| CC Mom and Dad
ID：CC-bama
This is not close to the root of the year, back to the hometown of the hometown, go to the relatives of the relatives.
Although the atmosphere of gathering with the elderly is good, there is a thing that makes people catch horses. The baby who was supposed to obey the rules before, after a few days of staying with her grandparents\ grandparents, became a bear baby who did not obey discipline and was never satisfied.
After all, the generation-skipping relatives are the top, and any request, as long as the child dares to mention it, they dare to do it. Not to mention the New Year's Festival, a happy holiday for the whole family, the elders always have a sentence "Big New Year's Day, just give him it~"
And the child is also very "eye-catching" spare no effort to see the needle, "yes, everyone else has it."
At that point, you'll find that it can take months to develop a habit, but it may only take a day to learn a bad habit.
In the end, you are the only one left in the family to adhere to the principles and rules.
The family understands well, if the family does not understand, openly and secretly help the child to cover up and do something against the rules.
Obviously for his own good, he has become a "bad person" in the eyes of children.
Too wronged, there is no.
But the spit is complaining, and what should be solved must be solved.
In the face of the repeated sugar-coated shells of relatives and the elderly on all sides of the New Year, and in the face of the various unreasonable demands of children, how should we refuse so as not to become "bad" mothers?
First, why is it so difficult to reject children?
Did you find that? Most of us have a hard time saying no with a straight face.
Every time I reject my child, I feel very guilty in my heart, feel sorry for him, worry about "offending" my child, and make my child feel that I am a "bad" mother.
- It's about to eat, the child wants to open a bag of potato chips to eat, you refuse;
- You are going to work, but the child asks you to continue playing with him, and you refuse.
Although you are doing what you think is right, you will still feel guilty inside.
Of course, this may be caused by our growing environment, but it is precisely because of your guilt after this rejection that the child will receive "it is a bad thing for you to reject me.".
Since rejection is not good, or even wrong, then of course it is wrong, it is not good for you to reject me.
Therefore, the child will behave more rationally when you refuse, and will also behave more hurt after you refuse.
Our sense of guilt is growing, and although you reject the child, the pressure inside you is greater than anyone.
I am struggling with entanglement and pain, and it is becoming more and more difficult to reject my children.
As a result, it is impossible to dry The crisp refusal of The Mud and water is dragged to find a reason, so that the rejection becomes a tug-of-war.
For example, if the child wants to eat a popsicle, you want to refuse, afraid that the child will cry, and may say that eating a popsicle hurts.
The child may continue to roll around "no pain, no pain", or bargain "Is it okay to eat half a root?" ”
What was originally a simple question of whether to be right or not, because we did not respond positively, it evolved into a more complex issue of rights struggle and parent-child tug-of-war.
Shirk responsibility in order to cover up guilt, preemptively pick the child's fault before refusing:
- "How can you do so many things, so ignorant."
- "It's all junk food, there's no nutrition at all."
We throw the guilt of rejection at the child by criticizing, "he is ignorant \ his request is unreasonable" I reject him, not because I am a "bad person".
But such an approach is more harmful to the child than to reject itself.
It is too unjust for children to be criticized and accused just because they put forward their inner thoughts.
What's worse is to let the child equate the need to not understand things, so that when the child really needs help, he will not say it.
So, please formally refuse it yourself.
There's nothing wrong with rejecting some of your child's requests, and your child won't get hurt by our occasional rejection.
When every child makes a reasonable or unreasonable request to you, his heart is prepared to be accepted or rejected.
Although they cry when rejected, they really don't have any psychological harm or shadow because of it, and their hearts are stronger than we think.
They can accept loss, disappointment and learn to deal with emotions after rejection, which is also an important lesson in the child's growth process.
Only if you take reasonable rejection for granted will your child not think that rejection is a miserable thing.
Of course, the premise is that your rejection is reasonable and does not carry a negative.
Second, what does that right rejection look like?
Most Chinese are not very good at rejecting others, especially when faced with a baby who is not satisfied, and there are elders next to them to help support them.
If you are not careful, it is easy to immediately admit surrender: "Good, listen to you" or can't help but roar at the Hedong lion to fight violence with violence: "If you say no, you can't do it."
In fact, the real difficulty is not to say "no", but how to refuse correctly and efficiently, minimize the harm, and do not bear the "bad" reputation.
01When you refuse, please give a reasonable reason
Don't think, "What do kids know?" ", anyone who is rejected needs a reasonable reason.
Many people reject their children, all of which are dry "no\no\no\no", so that children do not make trouble.
Because in the subconscious when we reject the child, we do not regard the child as an equal and independent individual at all.
The child does not feel respect from you, cold rejection, no emotional acceptance and appeasement, the child either continues to make trouble, or closes his heart because he does not get an effective response.
And when you explain to your child the specific reason why you reject him, this in itself can dissolve some of the child's negative emotions. As soon as the child starts listening to your explanations, then his rational brain begins to work, and he can rationally look at your rejection.
Someone may say, if the child does not buy it, from the time he hears you say no, he will start crying?
That is also normal, the smaller the child's emotional control, the lower the ability to control emotions, and if they are unhappy, they will vent through crying.
If the child is crying directly, he will not listen to your explanation.
Well, just let him cry, and crying is not a bad thing.
It is normal for a child to vent his emotions by crying when he is unhappy.
What we need to do is accept the child's emotions, affirm his emotions, and wait until he is finished venting.
Maybe after crying, he himself had long forgotten what he had just asked.
If you are still not dead-hearted, then explain the reason and offer some alternatives.
02 In different situations, there are also different rejection methods
(1) If it must be rejected, there is no delay
- Issues involving principles, such as violating morality or disturbing others.
- Things that break existing rules, such as not obeying public order, taking things from others, etc.
These situations, as soon as they occur, should be rejected immediately.
Don't hesitate or procrastinate because your child is crying.
Because of your procrastination, hesitation and even compromise, you will directly tell your child that "the original rules have room for turning, and even can be broken."
(2) If you can't do it due to adult reasons, please sincerely apologize
"Why are you like this, you obviously promised me!" CC did not finish this sentence, and the tears fell.
Before, C Dad promised CC to go camping on the first weekend of winter vacation, but because the hospital temporarily did not go to the hospital, CC picked on the spot and did not do it.
No matter how C Dad explained, it was not easy to make, and finally he did not hold back to blame CC, "How do you not know how to understand adults?" Adults don't mean it, can they understand something? ”
In fact, it is not CC that is difficult to engage, it is C Dad who makes the wrong direction. How much CC looks forward to it, how disappointed it is now, and how wronged it is in its heart.
At this time, her grievances and disappointments are greater than the matter itself.
Therefore, even though she understood the reason for the adult, her heart was still uncomfortable.
What she really needs is your apology to appease her grievances, and what she needs is affirmation and comfort to ease her inner sadness.
So, I hugged her and cried for a long time, and when she calmed down, I seriously apologized to her: "I'm sorry, but this plan was ruined because of my father." Mom knows you're really, really looking forward to this camping trip, and it's hard for you not to go, but can you be considerate of us? ”
(3) For refusal caused by objective reasons, it is enough to inform the real reason
Although we have no intention of refusing, there are many things that we cannot control.
For example, travel plans that cannot be fulfilled due to the epidemic;
For example, outdoor activities that cannot be achieved due to weather conditions;
For example, there is no mine at home, and many students can do it, and we can't do it.
In this case, you only need to tell the child the real reason, the child should know that not everything can be achieved, and you must accept it if you are sad.
Teaching children to face up to regret is also an important life topic!
(4) Harmless, you can turn a blind eye
Although it is okay to refuse, it can be seen on a case-by-case basis for some situations that do not involve security and principle issues.
Especially on the special day of the Spring Festival, families gather together, and many things can turn a blind eye.
For example, it is stipulated to eat 2 pieces of sugar every day, go to bed before 9 o'clock, etc., the child will sleep again if he is happy to play, or eat more sugar, etc., these innocuous things do not have to be too entangled.
The French thinker Rousseau mentioned in "On Education": "Do you understand what can make your children miserable? That is, let him have what he wants."
Sometimes, it's not that the more they are satisfied, the happier the child becomes. Because the more you get, the more you want, and one day your child will be unsatisfied.
Therefore, rejection is not harm, rough rejection is, pampering, unconditional satisfaction is even more so.
Learn to reject children and say no to children, although it seems a little cruel and impersonal now, but it can avoid many unnecessary pits for children in the future.
CC Parents: Promoter of the "Chinese Parents Learning Program", C Dad - Master of China Medical University, Doctor of the Top 3 Hospitals; C Mom - Editor-in-Chief of Parenting of Newspaper, Author of "Parents Have a Good Temper and a Good Education".
Raise CC &DD two sisters and brothers, lead more parents to join the scientific parenting team, take fewer detours together, and be "Good Parents of China"! Original public account "CC Parents" (ID: cc-bama)