Confirming that I lost my mother a month after pregnancy, I went from prenatal depression to postpartum

After giving birth, many moms experience a dark time. Will be tired to the point of not wanting to talk, will not be able to help but lose their temper, will secretly cry, will be uncontrollably sad, even do not like children, want to hurt themselves...

Postpartum depression, which occurs frequently but is also the most easily overlooked. Have you ever experienced postpartum depression? How did you survive it?

Bao Mama @ Yuanzai Mama from the lilac mom app "pregnancy depression" planet shared her postpartum depression journey with everyone.

I knew that there was a difference in life, and I had imagined the parting scene, but I didn't expect it to come so quickly, so suddenly, so unacceptably!

The baby is coming, the mother is gone

On September 8, 2019, I told my mother as soon as I measured two bars on the pregnancy test stick. She said, "Finally, you and I have upgraded!"

Yeah, we've all upgraded, but you didn't wait for the day you were grandma.

A month later, on the evening of October 11, I received a call from my brother saying, "Sister, mom is hospitalized, come back." Subsequently, my other relatives, my circle of friends, and my intuition told me that things were not going well. And just like that, I stayed up all night.

When I rushed to her the next day, she was in a deep coma, her head covered in gauze and her body full of tubes, and I couldn't even recognize her in the ICU ward. Two days later, the doctor told us that her head was as hard as a stone, that her skull was full of fluid, that she was close to brain death, that she didn't even have a chance to be a vegetative person, that once she was evacuated from the ventilator, all her vital signs could not be maintained, and that we were ready to take her out of the hospital.

Coming out of the doctor's office, I lost control and cried in the hallway of the hospital with my brother. Everyone advised me, "You have to take care of yourself, your mother must not want to see you so sad." I had to suppress my emotions and didn't dare to cry for too long, because I still had a baby in my belly, because my mother must not want to see me in such pain.

God, it was fair to me to the extreme, preparing to make me a mother, and at the same time letting me lose my own mother.

During pregnancy, I smiled but was not happy

After sending my mother, I returned to Guangzhou the next day. I didn't dare to spend even another day in my hometown, because I was afraid of touching the scene and hurting the situation. After a day off, I went to work. I wanted to keep myself busy and not think about it.

I tried to make myself look like a normal person, and I didn't even cry when I mentioned it to my colleagues. In front of people, including my teammates, I try to hide all my emotions and try to make myself look happy. I was afraid that I would expose a little bit of bad emotions, and I was afraid that they would comfort me, because as soon as they opened their mouths, my tears would burst, and I didn't want that!

But I'm really not happy! I think about her every day, all the time, especially in the solitude moments of bathing and sleeping at night. I was often in a trance, and there were two "little people" talking in my head, one telling me "Your mother is still here, it's just a dream, the next time you come home, she will stand at the door of the house waiting for you and make you food", and the other telling me "Cry, your mother will leave you forever, you will never see her again". I even felt a little split in personality.

Postpartum, short-lived happiness

After giving birth, my emotions had a brief calm. It was the great joy of a new life, and it struck me with great pain in losing my mother, but I rejoiced in my regret. Coupled with the fact that the baby was hospitalized because of premature birth, my teammates and mother-in-law took care of me at the same time, which made me feel more satisfied than ever. There wasn't much discomfort after giving birth, and apart from the occasional milk swell and the pain of uterine contractions, I didn't look much like a mother.

My mother-in-law didn't interfere with anything I did, I was able to wash my hair normally, take a bath, eat, play with my phone, and even because I was worried that it would be inconvenient for me to get out of bed, she brought the meal to my bed every meal. I enjoyed the treatment of this "queen" and the joy of being a mother, and I felt happy and happy.

The "Darkest Hours" of the Moon

The "recovery" of emotions was soon shattered again.

After the baby was discharged from the hospital, the focus of the family shifted to the child, and I felt that I was "ignored" and even looked like an outsider. The depressed mood was accumulated little by little, and every little thing that seemed insignificant was the "culprit" that led to my final emotional explosion.

For example, the baby could not latch on because of premature birth, I was anxious and anxious, unable to feed myself or hold the bottle to feed myself, which made me feel like a "milking machine without emotion".

For example, during the month, the family members of my teammates discussed that I would put the child back to my hometown after taking maternity leave, because my mother-in-law did not want to come to Guangzhou, and they were distressed by my mother-in-law, but they did not ask me what I meant, making me feel that I was "crossing the river and demolishing the bridge".

For example, the mother-in-law is chanting about the high price of goods in Guangzhou every day, the vegetables bought are not willing to eat, two or three pieces of pig's trotters can cook a pot of soup, and the two leftover mushrooms bought are not willing to put. Whenever I ate a plate of crucian carp tofu soup alone, she and her teammates pickled steamed buns, making me feel that I was the "burden" of my teammates.

Too much......

As a new mom, I was flustered and untaught, and I couldn't even make decisions about my baby, making me feel like I had completely lost my "family status".

However, no one ever cared about my emotions, and my teammates even thought I was "pretentious". I "shut myself up", didn't speak, didn't look good, and lay like a "walking dead" every day, often shedding tears alone, but I didn't dare to speak up. Every day I think, "If my mom were still here, she wouldn't let me happen like this, and she would take care of me." I began to think wildly, repeatedly chewing on the pain of my loss of my mother, and at the same time I was very dissatisfied with the current state, and fell into an extreme "what if my mother was here".

Finally one night, I couldn't stand it, and my emotions were completely out of control and collapsed. I just remember playing music while I was in the shower, and a certain sentence of the lyrics poked me in the middle of the song, and then at the moment when the water on my fluffy head fell on my head, I wrapped my hands around myself and cried.

At that time, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, there was no one behind me, and no one called me back. I let myself indulge, my teammates knocked desperately outside the door, and I ignored him and cried even harder. That night, if I hadn't lost a little courage, I'd have jumped down in the middle of the night.

After crying, after taking a shower, I continued to act like a "walking dead" and ignore anyone. I didn't respond to the questions and concerns of my teammates.

To get out of depression, you ultimately have to rely on yourself

Neither my teammates nor I mentioned it that night. As soon as I was born, my mother-in-law returned to her hometown, and part of the family's focus returned to me.

Without my mother-in-law, my teammates listened to me in terms of parenting, which made me regain my confidence as a mother, and I could cook the meals I liked to eat. I began to accept the care and help of my teammates, pushing the baby for a walk with him every day, and even occasionally mentioning my mother to him.

I readjusted my mood, signed up for a QQ to record my every day, and began to be happy to share the bits and pieces of parenting with friends and family. The baby is still an angel, watching him grow up day by day, and the happiness of being a mother is gradually increased. The hustle and bustle of taking care of my baby also allows me not to have as much leisure time to think about losing my mother.

I regretted it, but I began to accept the fact of losing my mother from the bottom of my heart. Slowly, it also came out of the shadow of depression.

My experience may be extreme, but postpartum depression is by no means unique. As a new mother, postpartum hormone disorders, new identity adaptations, shifts in the family's center of gravity, etc., may cause postpartum depression. This is not pretentiousness, but a normal emotion that many pregnant women experience.

In fact, just become a mother, happiness is unquestionable, we just want a little more understanding of the family, a little more support, a little more care, and so on. So, don't skimp on your little hug, and don't let a word of "temperament" hurt the heart of a new mother.

Planning and production

Planning: Long | Executive Producer: Rambling

Typography: Mengjie