The author of this article | Rustling
This article has been edited | Miss Dong
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Today's Guide
Today's Yuyou story comes from a 36-year-old woman, the mother of a 6-year-old girl.
Once, she was an excellent and capable working woman, and as soon as she graduated from graduate school, she entered the top 500 foreign companies. After about four years of work, she gradually began to feel tired of work, so she decided to quit her job and prepare for pregnancy. Unexpectedly, three months after giving birth, immersed in the joy of new motherhood, she was hit by depression.
After receiving medication and recovering slightly, she was anxious to return to the workplace, and returned to work after a year, only to find that depression made a comeback.....
Through continuous drug adjustment and cognitive upgrading, now that she is on the road to recovery, she has begun to accept her failures, accept her current appearance, live as a life in reality, and break away from fantasy. Fighting depression twice, she wants to tell everyone through her own story: depression is not a terminal disease, depression has medicine to cure, please try to live to the day when good things happen.
It's April day on earth again, spring is warm and blossoming, and spring makes the world so beautiful and full of life. As a depressed patient with a second recurrence, I wrote down this experience today, hoping to bring a little warmth and hope to patients who see the text, and also hope that healthy friends can give depression patients a little more tolerance and understanding.
Feeling burned out at work, I decided to quit my job and try to conceive
I am 36 years old and now the mom of a 6 year old girl. My first depression outbreak was in 2016, the third month after giving birth, but the origin of depression should have been earlier.
As soon as I graduated from graduate school, I entered the top 500 foreign companies, and my work ability was also recognized, but for various reasons, when I worked for about four years, I gradually began to feel tired of work, and at that time, I also encountered some bottlenecks in my work, and I was in a very bad mood every day, and sometimes I would jokingly say to my husband: "I think I am going to get depression." "But at the time, I didn't know much about depression and didn't really think about actually going to the hospital.
After getting married, my husband went to Beijing to study for a doctorate, and I lived alone, living monotonously and boringly every day at the company and home. At that time, I was nearly 30 years old, I had not yet given birth, and I had nowhere to put the pressure of work.
On the first working day of 2015, after being reprimanded by the leader for an hour, I made a decision that I would resign, and I would first complete the life event of pregnancy and childbirth, and then think about work later. After the Spring Festival of 2015, I almost did not go to work, and the leader asked me to receive the year-end award in April before leaving.
After I quit my job, I was very happy, writing, painting, reading, doing what I liked every day, I calculated a good day to go to Beijing, and soon I was pregnant.
In fact, when I was pregnant, a friend reminded me about postpartum depression. However, when I gave birth and looked at the cute appearance of the child, I never expected that I would suffer from postpartum depression.
When I first became a mother, I lived happily and fully, sharing cute photos and videos of my children every day to my husband and friends and relatives who were studying for a doctorate in Beijing.
In the third month after giving birth, depression came to me for the first time
However, in the third month after giving birth, I found that there was still a placenta left in the uterus and needed surgery to remove it. After returning from the hospital to tell my parents about the situation, I cried as soon as my nose was sore. Because at this time, my father had just been treated for a finger injury at work, and I also had to go to the hospital for surgery as soon as possible. Fortunately, the Dragon Boat Festival in June is approaching, and the child's father can just come back from Beijing to accompany me to the operation.
On the first day of hospitalization, I sent a circle of friends, "The first time I left the baby, I already thought about crying." After the operation, he was discharged home, the child also happened to have a hundred-day birthday, and after inviting relatives and friends to eat a 100-day feast, the husband returned to Beijing. And I was at home, and it was starting to go wrong.
Because during the hospitalization, the child has been eating formula. I use the breast pump to maintain the secretion of breast milk every day in the hospital, but because of the infusion, the breast milk can only be discarded in vain, and I feel very sorry and sad. After discharge, doctors also recommend breastfeeding in another five to seven days. In this way, I did not feed the baby for almost two weeks, and I had less and less milk. At this time, my body also experienced unspeakable discomfort, and I slept poorly due to breastfeeding at night.
Three or four months old babies are one a day, and at this moment in my mind there is a strange thought, the baby is too cute, I don't want her to grow so fast, afraid that when she grows up, she will not be so fun as when she was a child.
After another half a month, I had to adjust my life schedule and mental state slightly, and my father cut it again when he was cooking and cutting fish, and the injury was still a little serious.
From that night on, I lost complete insomnia, remembering in my mind the pain of the kitchen knife falling and cutting into his fingers, not being able to sleep at night, and not sleeping for two or three days in a row.
I ran to a small nearby hospital to find a doctor to prescribe two sleeping pills, and the hospital gave me a paper bag of medicine, and I forgot to ask the name of the medicine. But after taking two pills in a row that night, I still didn't fall asleep. I never expected that for more than twenty days, I would not fall asleep. My brain was like a wild horse running non-stop, I didn't know it was a depression attack, my parents didn't know it, and even my husband who studied medicine didn't know the seriousness of the matter.
My parents just thought I was in a bad mood and told me not to think too much. Finally I felt that I had to go to the big hospital to see, called my husband to fly back to accompany me to the provincial brain hospital, found a clinical psychology specialist, the doctor gave me a scale and related examinations, prescribed me mirtazapine, and told me to start eating from 1/4 tablet.
I asked the doctor, can this medicine put me to sleep? The doctor said yes. Sure enough, the medication worked so well that I fell asleep that night, probably only for an hour or two, but it was a lifesaver for me.
Because of insomnia and taking medicine, breast milk is gradually gone. I took the medicine for about ten days and my sleep was restored. But because of ignorance, and family concerns about drug side effects and addiction, plus I also wonder if I'm really depressed? Am I too entangled myself? Although I contacted the doctor online to ask if I could stop the drug, the doctor replied that it could not be stopped, but I still stopped the drug myself.
Sure enough, after a few days, the uncomfortable feeling came again, and I began to attack myself, breast milk is the best ration for children, why should I cut off breast milk? Why did I quit such a good job? When I went to the hospital for a review, I cried and told the doctor that "a good hand of cards was beaten by me", the doctor said: "In my opinion, you are a king fried with one hand and have not started to fight", and then added medicine to sertraline and ate it during the day.
After taking the medicine, the symptoms of depression, nausea and vomiting were controlled, but the work was always my heart knot. Fortunately, the old owner has a suitable position and needs to arrive in April next year, so that when the child turns one year old, I will return to work at the original company.
Returning to the workplace, depression recurred after stopping the drug
After returning to work, due to my previous work experience, I got started quickly and was recognized by my boss, and I was quickly promoted and paid. Soon a year passed, and although my work life was stressful, I was able to adjust quickly.
In early 2019, two years after taking my medication, I stopped taking it with my doctor's consent. After stopping the drug, my mood fluctuated somewhat, but it was generally controllable.
Fast forward to early 2020, when the COVID-19 pandemic broke out. Since my husband is a doctor, I inevitably have to worry a little more, and I am in charge of logistics at the company, so I have added a lot of new challenges and pressures to my work. Looking back now, it was probably at this time that depression slowly recured. But I always thought it was just a depressive mood, not yet severe enough to need to take medicine.
The time came to 2021, this year is my life year, I bought myself a transport bead, praying for this year to bring good luck. I never thought that two companies would throw olive branches at me and invite me to join. The generous treatment made my heart move, and I also wanted to challenge myself, so I took an offer from one of them, which is also an internationally renowned large company.
In August 2021, I came to work for a new company while my direct boss was based in Shanghai. At first, everything went well, but in the third month, things gradually became complicated, and my direct boss came to check on the work. During this time, because of more work and frequent overtime, I have begun to feel tired, unable to cope well with work and life, and I feel as if depression is about to recur.
One day, after the boss returned to Shanghai, when he talked to me on the phone, he severely reprimanded me, and I had an emotional breakdown at that time. I was wearing headphones, and I couldn't hear a word of what she said. After hanging up the phone, I had only one thought in my mind: I was going to quit my job, I didn't want the job to be paid more, and I would rather be unemployed than let depression recur.
The next day I wrote a resignation letter to the boss, I did not expect the boss to see it and called me for more than an hour, after the phone call I was very touched, decided to continue to work. But by this time my body had protested, and I began to feel more and more uncomfortable, tired and weak like a cold and not a cold.
On November 3rd, it was my 36th birthday, after lunch, I looked at the computer screen and my mind went blank, I felt that I needed to go to the hospital to prescribe medicine, so I took a leave of absence to go to the hospital in the afternoon.
On the way to the hospital, I received a WeChat message from the former company boss asking me how I was working in the new company and if I was used to it. I tearfully replied to WeChat to tell him about my situation.
The doctor who saw me five years ago didn't come out, so I hung up my number and told the doctor that I had a relapse. The doctor asked me how your financial condition was, and I said it was OK; she said let's use the most expensive drug, vultoxetine, with few side effects. I told her my previous medications were mirtazapine and sertraline. She said that mirtazapine ate fat, and I also deeply experienced this side effect. So I took a box of nearly 500 yuan a box of vodhioxetine (14 tablets) and couldn't wait to eat a slice.
Unfortunately, I lost sleep the night I took my medication. The next morning, with a headache, I sent a message to my boss saying that I was not in good health, that I was going to resign, and that I would go through the formalities in a few days. In the afternoon, I was awake again, my body was more relaxed, and I said to the boss again, I'm sorry, can I take back the morning words, I want to work hard.
But that night, I still didn't fall asleep, and the next day was Friday, and I went to the company and spent the day in a trance. At night I put lavender essential oil in the bathtub, soaked in the bath and went to bed, about four or five hours asleep.
The next Saturday, in the morning, I went to the temple to worship the bodhisattva, hoping to calm my mind; in the afternoon I went to the gym for an hour, hoping to exhaust my strength and get a good night's sleep.
Unexpectedly, at night, the nightmare began, and when I closed my eyes, my mind was like a marquee, and the scene of work kept popping up in front of me, and I couldn't rest quietly at all. (Later, I asked the psychology teacher if it was a panic attack, and the teacher said that the panic attack would have a feeling of near death.) I heard that before people die, their whole lives will be replayed like a movie, and I think I have experienced this feeling. I had to ask the boss for leave again, and the boss asked me to take a week off first.
After taking two days off, I felt that I could not take any more leave, after all, I was still in the probationary period. I went to work three days in a row from Wednesday to Friday, but these three days I was like a walking dead, dragging a sick body, and the soul had left the body. After work on Friday, I packed my personal belongings and I felt like I couldn't keep going. On Saturday, after another day of struggle, I sent a message to HR on Sunday afternoon asking for his help with the resignation process.
What happened later, I myself think it is a thing that only a neurotic can do. On Monday morning I regretted it again, and I cheekily told HR that I regretted it and asked if I could continue working. At this time, the boss and HR have already exhausted all patience, and the results can be imagined.
At this time, the previous leader was still concerned about my situation, saying: "I can't think straight, with your ability, you shouldn't be unable to do a new post." That's when I told him I had depression and now the depression is back. He said doubtfully, "You usually can't see it..."
Next, I was like a madman, grief-stricken at home, regretting why I quit my good job, why I didn't cherish my former boss, and why I was tempted by money.
Once again, I launched a fierce self-attack on myself, and all kinds of desperate thoughts surrounded me: you can do nothing; you are 36, no company will want you; even if you find a new job, you will not be able to do a good job, but you will not pass the probation period. How is life so much trouble, how is life so difficult, why did I come to this world? At this time, even my lovely daughter could not bring me comfort. It's just that I'm still sane and I don't have to go to the final extreme.
My husband was very busy working in the hospital, and I could only be accompanied by my parents. My parents are in their sixties and have to take care of my life in addition to helping me take care of my children. Looking at my pained look, they were naturally extremely heart-wrenching but powerless. At this time, many good friends also knew about my depression recurrence and often kept in touch with my WeChat phone.
A friend asked me if I was considering counseling, and I said, "Counseling is too expensive, I don't have a job now, I don't have an income, I'm reluctant to spend money." "After lying in bed for a month, I felt that I couldn't hold back anymore, so I contacted the counselor. The idea at that time was that whether it was useful or not, it could only be used as a living horse doctor. My mom accompanied me to see the counselor for the first time, and I cried for more than an hour in tears. Later, my father and my husband accompanied me to see the counseling teacher several times, and each time I couldn't cry.
New Year's Day 2022 is coming, under the action of vultioxetine, the physical symptoms of nausea and vomiting have been well controlled, but the unemployed heart disease has always been like a big stone pressing on my heart, unable to move away. During this period, I went to the hospital to find a doctor to get medicine once, and the doctor said that one pill was not enough to eat two pills, and if it was not enough, he would be hospitalized.
When I was in a bad state, I was wondering if I should go to the hospital. But vothoxetine is too expensive, and I am reluctant to take two. It's almost New Year's, and I don't want to go to the hospital alone, because at this time, my own life is a huge difficulty.
Adjusting the medication and cognition, I returned to the human world
On my fourth follow-up visit to the hospital, I made an important decision, and I asked the doctor to change the medication to mirtazapine and sertraline, which I had taken six years earlier. Unexpectedly, after taking these two drugs for more than a week, a miracle occurred. One Saturday afternoon, I suddenly felt refreshed, and I ran to the supermarket to buy a bunch of delicious food, as if I had suddenly regained the joy of life.
Over the next few months, although there will be some recurrences, each time it will be better than the last time. Now, I go to bed at eleven o'clock every night, get up at six or seven o'clock in the morning, get up and do a little exercise; write, draw, play the piano after breakfast, and live a colorful life.
Most importantly, I stopped dwelling on the fact that I had no job, no income, and I started buying and buying happily again. Recently, I have also received some interview invitations, hoping to meet the right job opportunities to return to society.
I told my counselor that I always felt that the effect of drugs was greater. But it is undeniable that depression is by no means cured by relying solely on drugs. During the treatment, I forced myself to go for a run, and I also bought the HOPE APP recommended by Tulip to learn mindfulness meditation, hoping to change my cognition through cognitive behavioral therapy. I didn't have the habit of exercising before, liked to stay up late and brush my phone, and had a black-and-white and perfect thinking mode, which are the reasons for the recurrence of depression.
During this time, I also read a number of psychology-related books, such as Wu Zhihong's "Thank you for your imperfections", "Out of the Personality Trap", "Why Home Hurts", and Zhang Defen's "Meet the Unknown Self" series of works.
There was also a copy that my aunt had given me to Louise, america's most prestigious psychotherapist. Hai's work "The Reconstruction of Life" touched me greatly, "Our life experience is entirely self-created" and "the most powerful thing is the present, not the past or the future".
From these books, I slowly began to understand, I began to accept my failures, accept my own present appearance, forgive everything, and give myself enough time to recover. When there is no vitality, start with the simplest things, simple cross stitch, digital oil painting, and writing are all good healing methods. I am also grateful that I started learning piano three years ago and helped restore coordination of attention, body and brain.
Doctors say that they must be able to return to social work and cope with normal stress in order to be able to recover. So now I dare not say that I have fully recovered, but I can feel that I have returned to the right time and space, a life is really alive, and when I am sick, I am living in my own fantasy. Maybe I will choose to take medicine for the rest of my life, compared with a healthy and happy life, what are the side effects of drugs and the prejudices of others.
Finally, I would like to thank all the people who have helped me, for the hard work and infinite tolerance of my emotions by my parents, for my husband's love and tolerance for me, for my daughter for loving me unconditionally after I scolded her for no reason, for the elders who cared about me, for never tiring to chat with me when I collapsed, for the company of friends around me and online friends, for the treatment of doctors and psychological teachers and the therapeutic drugs developed by scientists.
I never thought that I would fight depression twice in my life. But human sorrow and joy are not the same, and only those who have experienced it know the pain of being bitten by that black dog. Dear friends, depression is not a terminal illness, depression has medicine to cure, please try to live to the day when good things happen.
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