5 States of Dealing with Relationship Contradictions. | conglomerates are not subordinate

The Happiness 365 marriage and love counseling team led by Teacher Ling Zi, an expert in marital and emotional feelings, specializes in mate selection, emotional redemption, couple cheating, divorce, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict, parent-child relationship counseling, training and guidance.

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1

Relationships are made up of interactions. When the other person does something that makes you uncomfortable, we say that you experience being attacked. At this point, you will automatically turn on the response. When a person responds to an attack in a relationship, there are usually 5 types:

Inclusion.

Hold.

boundary.

Attack others.

Self-attack.

The highest state is actually the implication. The implication is: You have done some unfriendly behaviors to me, I understand the pain behind your behavior, and help you digest the pain, and then feedback to you with a good, positive behavior, so that you feel that you are loved, not helpless.

For example, babies attack their mothers. The baby is dissatisfied with the mother, but the mother's strong heart can understand the baby's pain at this moment, so as to give targeted comfort. For example, if the client attacks the counselor, the counselor will not be hurt, but will better understand the client's inner suffering and accompany the client. For example, powerful public relations personnel, customer service personnel, high emotional intelligence employees, etc., can grasp their difficult to express pain through the other party's bad emotions and help them digest. For example, when you first fall in love, it is full of sweetness, and one person can put himself in the shoes of another person and help him digest and complete the containment.

In Hanrong, the relationship is win-win. I'm willing to help you get better because you're a part of me. Hello, I will be good too.

It's not a high-level skill. Each of us will have it at some point, for certain people. But not all the time, because Han Rong needs psychological energy.

When the energy is a little weaker, the state can reach holding. Holding is the mother's embrace of the baby, for adults is: you attack me, I will not be hurt, I am willing to coax you, comfort you, accompany you, hug you, take care of you. These pampering are comfortable, but in fact, they divert the topic and do not have a deep understanding of the pain of others at this moment.

Holding is to look at you here steadily and pamper you like a baby. Han Rong is, I understand the sadness and pain in your heart at this moment, and help you with respect. Tolerance is understanding, and holding is acceptance.

When the energy is a little weaker, all we can do is limits. Although you have aggressive behavior towards me, I have clear boundaries in my heart, I know this is your business, I can distinguish which ones are mine and which are yours, so I will not be hurt. You are responsible for your own injuries, and I am responsible for my own injuries.

Within boundaries, I can't control you and I don't want to control you. You can't control me because I can be myself.

When the energy is a little weaker, the person will be disturbed by the opponent's attack and enter the rebound. When a person cannot catch the other party's attack, he will attack with an attack, hoping to return the other party's attack and avoid being hurt. At this time, the subconscious felt: As long as I stop you from hurting me, you can't hurt me.

The benefits of attacking others are:

Maintain a sense of value, I feel that others have problems, the problem is not mine.

save labour. Let others change, I don't have to work hard to change.

But attacking others also requires psychological energy, and when a person does not have the energy and courage to attack others, they will direct the attack at themselves. I feel that it is all my own fault, all my own bad, all my own responsibility.

His subconscious felt: As long as I change to the right and good look, you will not hurt me.

This is really a kind of self-abuse, but it is also the lowest level of self-help when people are helpless. There is really no other way to change the status quo, only to ask yourself to change by hurting yourself, fantasizing about influencing others and even influencing the change of the environment through your own change.

2

Therefore, when dealing with attacks from others, the advanced level is ordered in order:

Keep boundaries.

Among them, the first three are mature coping methods; the last two are immature. Can you feel, in the relationship contradiction, what kind of state are you more in? When are you different?

If you're treating a relationship the way you're attacking someone, don't be frustrated. Fortunately, you didn't fall into self-attack, which is still good. If you want, you can think about going up and down and dealing with the relationship in a more mature way. If you're attacking yourself in a way that's not bad, you're making progress with every step you take.

Notice that the word I use is state, not method. State is a difficult choice through consciousness, and it is more of a natural result.

Mature coping methods come from sufficient psychological energy. Mental energy comes from love. How much love you have inside you, how much tension you can take on the relationship.

Many people learn a lot of concepts after studying psychology. It is all true that there should be empathy, that there should be holding, that there should be consistency, that there should be no blame, that there should be boundaries. But it is difficult to do this, because the love in the heart is scarce, and the technology cannot be used.

It's like a phone. Although it is good to have many functions, but the memory is crotched, most of the advanced functions can not run. Therefore, the real change comes from first restoring your own inner energy, first filling your heart with love, so that it is possible to better handle the relationship. That is to say, only if you do a good job of yourself first, you have the strength to engage in relationships.

Nor are these states opposites. Sometimes there are blurred boundaries, and in between, there are some. Sometimes people can force themselves to do something else through rational regulation. But that's not sustainable after all.

The healthiest way is actually to repair the lack of love in your heart and give yourself the energy to really love. Love yourself, love others, and love the world.

3

How do you replenish your energy?

It's about understanding yourself and then loving yourself first. include:

1. Stop the wasted effort. A lot of the effort you use in the relationship is in vain if you can't achieve your goals. It's like hitting the south wall with your head, the head is broken, but the wall is not moving. Therefore, identifying and stopping useless work is the first step in restoring energy.

2. Understand the source of scarcity and feel sorry for who you once were. We don't love ourselves because we don't believe in love. We don't believe in love because we're cursed by our original family and let our subconscious believe that I don't deserve to be loved. The original family hurts people, but in fact, what hurts people more than the original family is that people allow the original family model to continue. Find out how you lacked love in those years, and you can stop continuing to lack love in the same way.

3. Create love. There are two sources of love: being loved by others and loving yourself. Both are important and complement each other. But just by relying on the little love that flows naturally in life, it is obviously not enough. At this time, we need to guide others to give us more love, and we also give ourselves more love, so that love can be created.

When you start to have some energy, you can start learning to be inclusive. The attacks of others are just an expression of the fragility of his heart that cannot be digested. To understand, to empathize, to see, to hold, the other person's heart will be melted, and the love from you will be felt. And he will not only stop hurting, but also feed you more love.

When you can fully understand each other's vulnerability and helplessness, you can truly achieve a win-win relationship. You help me, I help you, it's a good relationship. When you have the ability to deeply understand each other, you have the ability to stabilize the relationship and the possibility of long-term cooperation.

At the very least, you have a choice about relationships.