Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
A mother left a message in the background saying:
"Yesterday I couldn't help but get angry at the child again, shouting at him to be serious and write the words correctly, but when I checked the homework, I still looked horizontal and vertical, crooked and oblique, and suddenly I didn't get angry, and I counted the child down hard."
She said in frustration:
"I feel that it is so difficult to educate my children, I can't control my children, and I can't control my own emotions."
I understand this mother's feelings.
There are always countless crazy moments in the process of raising children:
When children are disobedient and talk back; when they grind and rub and don't do things well; when they are mischievous and make mistakes... The emotional fire of parents is easily ignited.
In fact, it is often not the event itself that affects our emotions, but our reaction to things — that is, how we perceive it.
Therefore, how parents view these problems in their children's growth is more important than the problems themselves.
When parents can correctly, scientifically and positively look at some performances and problems in the process of their children's growth, they will be more emotionally stable and their children can be more appropriately and effectively guided.
As the education community often says, "Raising children is also a practice for parents." ”
The first thing that needs to be cultivated is the mentality, and from the root of the mind, correctly look at some things.
The growth of a child takes time
Educating children, parents often fall into a misunderstanding, as if telling children a truth, he can immediately understand and remember;
Correct a mistake and he will not make it again the next time; teach the child the way to do things, and he will be able to do it quickly and skillfully in no time...
However, the fact is that some truths need to be repeatedly "instilled" in order for children to remember them;
Some mistakes need to be experienced several times, personally experience the consequences, and the child will learn a long lesson;
Some skills require repeated trials and training before children can master them.
In life, parents often feel that their children are slow and rubbing, and they can't help but be angry with their children.
This anger and impatience come from using adult thinking to look at children's problems, and even habitually using adult rhythms to ask children.
Just like parents urge their children to get up, saying many times that "it is too late to get up late, and they will be criticized by the teacher when they are late", but the children still lie in bed and rub.
Because for young children, mental development and behavior control are insufficient, the truth from reception, understanding to practice, it takes a certain amount of time, which is not urgent.
Understanding this, parents can calm their minds, look at the problem from the perspective of their children, and have more understanding and tolerance.
When the child spills water on the ground due to lack of ability, can't take things steadily, and always makes mistakes in doing problems, if you think that the child is causing trouble for himself and the child is stupid, it is easy to erupt into anger.
And if you can see the child who is trying to grow up through constant trial and error, you will feel that those problems are not mistakes and troubles, but opportunities for children to grow.
This reminds me of the story of Stephen Gray, a famous scientist in the field of medicine. In an interview, the reporter asked him why he is more creative than the average person, and what magic method can make him surpass ordinary people?
His answer was surprising:
"It has to do with my mother's handling of what happened to me when I was a child."
Once Gray tried to get a bottle of milk in the fridge himself, but the bottle was so slippery that he didn't grasp it and fell to the ground, spilling milk all over the floor.
The mother saw it and did not criticize and punish him, she just said:
"Wow! The trouble you've created is awesome! I've never seen such a big puddle of milk!
Anyway, the bottle has broken, would you like to play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up? ”
After that, his mother guided him to try various ways to take bottles, and finally together they found the most stable way, and asked him to choose a tool to clean the stains on the ground.
The peace and wisdom of his mother when he made mistakes made Stephen Gray develop a character trait of not being afraid of mistakes and failures from an early age, so that he could constantly try experiments, learn from various mistakes, and finally achieve a remarkable life.
Wise parents will not be angry at their children because of their mistakes or poor performance, but see it as an opportunity for children to learn and grow, let children experience, explore, and teach children the right way.
Instead of getting angry, listen to what the child has to say and learn more about his inner thoughts; or give specific demonstrations and guidance to teach the child how to do it.
In the picture book "Ah Hu Opened up", Ah Hu didn't know anything at first, couldn't speak, couldn't write, couldn't draw...
"Nothing!" Ah Hu's mother said, "Ah Hu is just a little late. And advised Dad, "Be patient, you always stare at him, he won't be enlightened." ”
As time went on, one day, when the time came, Ah Hu could talk, write, eat clean, and gain real growth.
Yes, it takes time for children to learn the truth and exercise their abilities, and there are corresponding opportunities for physical and mental development and maturity.
Parents do what they should do, the rest just wait for the flowers to bloom, and when the time is ripe, they will naturally see the transformation of their children.
Education does not happen overnight
Sometimes, parents are prone to anger, which is due to excessive anxiety in their hearts and too hasty in everything.
Under the slogan of "not losing on the starting line", parents have been involved in educational competitions, "rushing to run" in advance, arranging various courses for their children from the age of 1, kindergarten learning the content of primary school in advance, primary school learning junior high school curriculum in advance, and various interest classes in unison...
When the child does not perform as well as they expect, the parent will have a huge sense of disappointment that the expectations have failed, and then anger the child.
As everyone knows, when a child is forced to accept so many things that do not fit his age, the pressure and difficulty are.
However, parents ignore reality, immerse themselves in their own imagination and wishful thinking "planning", and constantly spur their children and blame them.
"Guan Zi Quan Xiu" has a cloud: "Ten years of planning, like trees; lifelong plans, like tree people." ”
Mr. Ye Shengtao, a famous educator, once said: "Education is agriculture, not industry."
Education is not achieved overnight, all the way smoothly, but a gradual, tortuous and long process.
Educating a child is like nurturing a seed that takes root, sprouts, and grows in a suitable climate, environment, and soil.
Doing the right intervention at the right time can help the healthy growth of seeds; pulling seedlings to promote growth and ripening is harmful and unhelpful.
The same is true for children, in each age group, there is something he should do, different ages, the corresponding education methods are different.
In this seemingly "slow" process, children can fully feel and experience the world, think independently, and harvest their own experiences, whether it is personality, personality or mental development, they are more healthy and mature.
Blindly seeking speed, pursuing results, and not respecting the law of children's growth will only backfire.
Just like many children who have learned the content of primary school in kindergartens, they go to the first grade and lead the way for no more than 2 months, and in the later stage, they do not have the motivation to learn from other children, and gradually reveal the disadvantage of "rushing in advance".
Many children who compete for the first place and enter famous schools according to their parents' design, and only learn in life, often appear confused and empty in their hearts, unable to find the meaning of life, or their minds are still in the infant stage, unable to think independently and maturely.
Rousseau said:
"Nature wants children to be like children before they become adults. If we disrupt this order, we will cause some fruits to ripen prematurely, they will grow neither plump nor sweet, and will rot quickly. ”
Therefore, parents need to be more rational, less blind anxiety, comparison, understand the child's physical and mental development rules, and what time to do things.
Leave enough time for your child to play, play, explore, and empty freely, and do not use pressure and expectations that exceed your child's ability to bear a heavy mental burden.
Parents also need to be more patient, believe in their children, and enjoy the sweet and sour and bittersweet of accompanying their children in the process of growing up.
There are moments of joy and joy, there are also moments of mistakes and disobedience, watching the children's changes and progress, parents and children growing together, this whole process is the whole meaning of education.
Being a patient parent means being willing to understand and tolerate him from the perspective of the child, willing to wait for the child, and accompany him to grow up slowly.
When the child makes mistakes, know how to take the time to understand the child, listen to his heart, empathize with him, teach him how to solve problems and take responsibility, rather than rudely angering him;
When the child tries to do things independently, he is willing to give him time to slowly improve, rather than thinking that he is not doing well enough, or directly doing it for him;
When the child encounters difficulties in learning, find the problem with him and adjust the learning method, instead of calling him stupid and blindly forcing him...
Parents put their hearts at ease, the mood will be more stable, when the parents are more calm, the better the children will be raised.
Click [watching] and may we all be such parents.
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Author: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs), dedicated to providing parents with professional and practical parenting knowledge and concepts. Note: All images come from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact.