I know that there is a popular question that more than 18,000 people answered, 25,000 people followed, and more than 20 million views. This question was raised by the dad of a fifth-grader.
The child's grades are stable in the class at about ten, and the parents are not satisfied with the child's grades. The child himself proposed that if the final exam could enter the top three of the class, the father would charge 588 yuan for his favorite game.
Mom and Dad wanted to encourage their children to improve, so they agreed. The child did take the third place at the end of the term, and the parents were very happy, but they regretted it when they thought of recharging the games they played. They feel that they should not easily agree to the child's request, and recharging the child's game is harmful to him.
Most of the more than 10,000 answers are condemning Dad for not believing what he says, not promising it if he doesn't want to, and if he agrees, he will do it. There is nothing wrong with parents not keeping their promises, but in the simple description of the problem, I see more problems.
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Problem 1: Parents take their children's rank too seriously
The child usually ranks about 10th in the score, and with the stimulation of recharging the game, he is admitted to the 3rd place, and the attitude of parents and parents also changes from "dissatisfied" to "satisfied".
Does the ranking matter? For understanding the competitiveness of children, ranking can play a reference role, but don't forget that ranking is relative and cannot show absolute strength.
Rankings are relative, and there are many uncontrollable factors
If parents attach too much importance to rankings, and children also take rankings as goals, when the surrounding environment changes and causes large fluctuations in rankings, it is difficult for children to bear. My cousin is a stark example.
My cousin was once a school bully, ranking in the top three of the school from primary school to junior high school. The middle school entrance examination was directly selected by one of the top high schools in the city. The high school recruited the top students from each district and county to form two experimental classes.
Her cousin, who has always been one of the top two in the school, was confused in the first unified examination of the first year of high school, and she tasted the taste of being in the middle and lower reaches for the first time.
In other classes, my cousin's grades can also be ranked in the top few. But when she was a "phoenix tail" in the experimental class of hidden dragon Crouching Tiger, she could not accept it. The learning state has not been adjusted, the mood is not good, often sick, and finally the college entrance examination only took the ordinary undergraduate.
Only by grasping the essence of learning can we cultivate a positive "academic self"
American psychologist Darlene Sweetland proposed the concept of the "academic self". Academic self is a person's division of what kind of students he belongs to, such as good students and bad students, the top few or the bottom few, good at mathematics or Chinese, and so on. To stimulate children's interest in learning, it is necessary to help them develop a positive academic self-concept.
As parents, we must guide children to understand the essence of learning, form a positive academic self-concept, and do not simply take academic performance as an evaluation criterion, but pay attention to comprehensive achievement.
Knowledge is mastered, all the learners are learned, and grades and rankings are like appendages, and when they are learned, they are there.
Before guiding children, parents should first look at grades and rankings rationally. What is the purpose of the child's learning? Is it to be the first, or to learn knowledge and skills? There are too many factors in the ranking that we can't control, and being too attached to the uncontrollable factors will make life chaotic.
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Question 2: The child plays the game and the parents are not satisfied
When it comes to games, parents hate it, and the dad who asks questions is no exception.
He did not say it explicitly, but the meaning revealed between the lines was that the child's grades did not reach the level that satisfied them because the child played games. There are even many people who call for game manufacturers to turn off games during school hours to prevent learning time from playing games.
Games are not the source of all evil
Some people have become problem children, problem teenagers, problem youth and even problem elderly people because they are addicted to games, and many game manufacturers use various temptations to make money to let people recharge and brush time, and they have not set up a juvenile anti-addiction system as required, resulting in many children delaying learning because they are addicted to games.
But games are not useless, and you can gain a lot through games.
I didn't use a computer before I went to college, but I was able to type quickly and blindly, thanks to the little bully game console I played in middle and high school. There's a letter shooter in it, and I learned to play blindly by playing it.
Now many learning apps also have small games and small animations, which can stimulate children's interest in learning and allow children to learn certain knowledge.
Therefore, for children, the real drawback of playing games is not brought about by the game itself, but the game without moderation and without choice.
Guide your child to play games rationally
As parents, we should establish the concept that playing games is not the source of all evil, we have not given children good guidance, and we have not helped children correctly handle the relationship between games and learning.
When it comes to children playing games, I've always held the view that it's okay to play, but in moderation. Play the game at the right time, at the right time.
For example, no more than 30 minutes at a time, this is to protect the eyes, prevent children from playing games for a long time, and confuse games with reality. After doing homework and then playing, or games and work interspersed, so that children can choose for themselves, parents do a good job of total and time interval control.
The game is not a flood beast, it is a game of play without moderation.
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The third problem is the lack of confidence in the child
In the father's description, when the child proposed the idea of recharging the game after reaching the top three, the parents agreed without any thought.
Parents' attitude towards their children is the basis of their children's self-confidence.
On the one hand, although they feel that this can stimulate children to study well, on the other hand, they feel from the bottom of their hearts that children cannot reach the top three.
Because they have no confidence in the child, they do not think about whether the child's conditions are reasonable, whether they are willing to agree. Maybe they will be glad, anyway, you can't pass the top three, I will promise you first, let you study well during this time, I have nothing to lose.
If the child does not pass the top three, the parents may also pretend to warmly comfort the child, "It doesn't matter if you can't pass the test this time, just continue to work hard."
If you follow this script, there is no such problem of high heat. If the parents can have confidence in the child, they will naturally consider whether the child's suggestion is reasonable or not, and there will be no follow-up.
American psychology doctor Marty Olsen Laney believes that children form a self-view based on the way their parents treat them, and this process is internalization. Children will incorporate or "merge" into the way they are treated, establishing a sense of "inner caregiver."
That is, the child will retain the feelings of the parents as some kind of emotional fortress, and when the child has a sufficiently satisfactory parent-child experience and establishes his "inner caregiver", he establishes a sense of "us", which is the basis of his self-confidence.
Parents should be people who affirm their children and believe in them
The influence of parents on children is huge, and it is difficult for children who live in denial from an early age to have a confident and positive appearance.
Parents should be the ones who affirm that the child believes in the child. When you are not satisfied with your child's grades, don't sneer at your child, don't nag in your child's ear every day, and learn not to play games and other slogans.
With your child, make learning goals and plans, and move forward step by step. Support the child with practical actions, encourage the child, and let the child know how to work hard. After working hard and seeing results, you will naturally strengthen your confidence.
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The fourth problem is the hidden disrespect in dishonesty
The father's biggest problem is not that he is not trustworthy, but that there is disrespect for his children hidden in his untrustworthiness. When the child talks about the conditions, he easily agrees, and when he should fulfill the promise, he regrets it, and this kind of thing is done to the child. Why? Because children are vulnerable.
"Body-teaching" lying teaching is not a good sign
One of Zhihu's 18,000 answers was a high praise answer, to the effect that the boss told you that this single business had become a reward of 1 million yuan.
You worked hard to negotiate the business, and the boss said, I think sending you 1 million will have a bad impact on you. I'm either worried about money or I'm afraid you'll go astray. What would you think?
Can you sense the boss's good intentions? You just feel like your boss is playing you and not taking you seriously. The child thinks the same thing, I treat you as a father, do you play me like a monkey?
Many parents will easily promise to give some bait in order to trick their children into temporarily changing their behavior. The child's learning ability is the strongest, he will learn the essence from the teaching of lying that his parents have personally demonstrated, and he will use lying and deception to the extreme, which is not a good sign.
For example, if the child does not eat, the mother will say, "Eat quickly, and give you a popsicle after eating." When the child finishes eating, the mother will say, "The popsicle is gone, let's eat the fruit."
Children are not stupid, they have learned to be deceived a lot, you deceive me, I lie to you, anyway, no one can be trusted, and slowly become a rebel who is difficult to communicate and lies.
Lying is untrustworthy, and what is hidden behind it is disrespect
Respect the child, will not make random promises, will take the "transaction" with the child seriously. This is not a joke, it is two independent individuals making a "contract"; respecting the child, you will not want to repent after agreeing, making a promise, crying and doing it.
We always say that we must respect children and respect children, how can we be considered respectful? Treat the child as an independent individual, not a piece of flesh that falls from the parents, and you have to obey you when I give birth to you and raise you.
Children have their own thoughts, have their own preferences, what we have to do is not to shape the child into the way we expect it to be, but to respect the child's personality characteristics, to create better conditions for the child, so that he can be a better self.
As written in The Line for the Child, give the child freedom, allow him to make choices, and then deal with the consequences according to that choice. This freedom is freedom within the limits of safety, freedom within the child's ability to act.
For example, we can't let a 6-year-old choose not to go to school, because going to school is his unshirkable obligation and he must fulfill it. But we can let the 6-year-old choose what to wear to go to school, which he has the ability to control.
Many of the children's problems, it seems that the child is not performing well, can actually find the reason from the parents.
Dr. Henry Claude, an occupational psychologist in the United States, said that problem children do not appear out of thin air, and every problem child generally comes out of a problematic living environment. Children who are constrained by health will not have problems out of nothing.
In the process of raising children, we do not have to become experts, do not need to be proficient in eighteen weapons, only need to have the core concept, that is, respect for children, we can solve many problems in the educational process.
If every parent can do it, the hot search on various platforms will be much less hot in the field of parenting education.