The author | Feibai figure | ins
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Coco Sister Introduction:
Parents who love their children all over the world must not push their children farther and farther because they use the wrong method of love.
Wang Lihong finally apologized on Weibo. At this point, his and Li Lianglei's Weibo shouting also ended here.
But this matter has left us with too much to think about.
Regarding the causes and consequences of this earth-shattering melon, I believe that everyone has understood it very thoroughly, and I will not repeat it here.
For this farce between the two, I am not a party and will not comment. But Wang Lihong apologized, indicating that he had indeed done something wrong.
Wrong is wrong, and no excuse can be a reason for him to make a mistake.
This article does not help Wang Lihong whitewash, nor is it empathy for him, and public opinion should be evaluated as it should be. I just want to write about the reflection of an ordinary person through this matter.
The reason why Wang Lihong is called the so-called "high-quality idol" by the public, in addition to his painstakingly managed image, is not unrelated to his perfect resume:
Enrolled in Williams College with an undergraduate degree and was admitted to the Berkeley Conservatory of Music with honors after graduation;
Proficient in 7 Chinese words;
Learned violin at the age of 6;
Learned piano at the age of 8;
Wrote his first song at the age of 13, talented...
And such a resume is the weakest in his family:
Such a family lineage is destined to have a pair of strict parents.
When he was young, his brothers and brothers were all school bullies, but Wang Lihong was very fascinated by music.
His father, Wang Dazhong, thought that he was not doing his job, and in order to force him to give up music, he also let go of harsh words: If you make music, I will break off the father-son relationship with you!
The sentence that her mother Li Mingshu said the most to Wang Lihong was also: "I love you, you have to listen to me."
Wang Lihong once said in the show that when he was a child practicing the piano and others were addicted to it, his mother, who was extremely talented in music, would interrupt his performance and sharply point out his problems.
Later, Wang Lihong became a big star, and his mother became Wang Lihong's housekeeper, agent, and accountant, controlling Wang Lihong's career and property.
For the control of his parents, Wang Lihong was powerless to resist.
For a while, his mother took over various matters forcefully, recordings, dramas, and variety shows, and he felt deeply depressed, as Li Lianglei said in her article, "Wang Lihong was so depressed that he lay on the ground unable to move because he lost control of his career." ”
At one point, he also took advantage of his wife's sympathy and love in order to get out of control.
It was his parents who single-handedly supported Wang Lihong's career, and it was his parents who came forward for the first time after the East Window incident.
Li Lianglei directly pointed out on Weibo that Wang Lihong was cowardly, a 45-year-old person, and an 80-year-old father to come out to solve the problem.
However, this may not really be able to simply blame Wang Lihong for being cowardly.
Wang Lihong's reaction reminds me of a case in the hit drama "Female Psychologist":
Jiang Jing, played by Li Meng, is like Wang Lihong, a "two-faced person" who is alive and free.
In front of her mother, she is well-behaved and obedient, 30 years old and obedient to her mother, loves to play the piano, wears a white dress, cuts her bangs, combs a ponytail, and goes out to report to her mother.
After leaving her mother's sight, she immediately became the other side of the rebellion, wearing a tank top shorts and going to the bar to play her mother's most hated drum.
Later, Jiang Jing suffered from anorexia nervosa, always overeating uncontrollably, eating too much and being afraid of being fat, and began to vomit.
The female psychologist played by Yang Zi found in the consultation that Jiang Jing's overeating and vomiting were all due to the depression caused by her mother's high-pressure control.
Since Jiang Jing was 5 years old, she was asked by her mother to practice for 10 hours a day, without weekends and holidays, and once she played wrong, her mother would scold her while beating her, and ask her to "start over" over and over again.
After Jiang Jing collapsed, her mother said that she was all for her own good and hoped that she would have a future appearance.
According to her mother's request, Jiang Jing eventually grew into a child who made her mother proud, but left a heart full of holes.
During an argument, Jiang Jing's mobile phone was confiscated by her mother, who locked her in the room.
After Jiang Jing, who wanted to live lightly, was rescued by Horton, she finally plucked up the courage to shout out her heart words to her mother:
"I don't want to win any first prize at all, I don't like to play the piano at all. I'm Chinese New Year's Eve today, and I never want to live like you want me to be. ”
But Jiang Jing, who has long been controlled by her mother, also expressed her confusion and predicament:
"I don't know what kind of life I want, I don't have goals, I don't have dreams, I don't know what I like, I think I like to perm my hair and wear a suspender, but I just want to be free..."
Extremely controlling parents, ostensibly creating a perfect life for their children, are actually depriving their children of the right to choose.
And once they are deprived of this right, they will lose their ability to survive, unable to cope with the vagaries of the outside world, and unable to deal with complex interpersonal or intimate relationships.
Psychological counselor Barry said in the book "Children are the homework of parents' lives":
Ultimately, controlling parents are likely to reap the greatest disorders – either the child's personal will is killed by their desire to control, or the child rebels and becomes a "bad child" they fear.
Jiang Jing and Wang Lihong seem to correspond to these two results.
The book "Children are the Homework of Parents' Lives" mentions that the reason why parents are extremely controlled is because of their own imperfections, allowing children to become an extension of themselves, thereby repairing their own personality insufficiency and inferiority.
As a result, they tend to control their children in several ways:
1. Monitoring. Always want to understand the child's movements and think that this behavior is taken for granted. Not only behavior should be monitored, but the best thoughts should also be monitored.
2. Mandatory. When the child's words and deeds are inconsistent with his own wishes, he will not respect the child's opinions, but will force the child to do what he thinks, and will not hesitate to use violence, threats and other means to do so.
3. Belittling and ignoring. Belittling the child's shortcomings and making him self-doubting, while when the child encounters difficulties, he sits idly by and allows the child to be hurt.
Over time, the child will form a kind of psychology: "I am very poor, so I have to listen to my parents." "I'm so bad, only my parents love me." This makes it easier for parents to control their children.
4. Repression. When the child is out of control, once the child has unexpected autonomous behavior, whether right or wrong, the parent's first reaction is to oppose and suppress.
5. Moral kidnapping. "All the money in the family is for you to go to school, all the good food is for you to eat, and it is worth it for your parents to give up their lives for you - can you still disobey?" 」 Something like this would be moral kidnapping.
If the child does this, it is only pandering to the parents, or perfecting the parents, but not perfecting the child himself.
In this process, children not only have no opportunity to grow up on their own, but also may fall into different degrees of "common diseases": inferiority, self-denial; sensitivity, poor ability to resist pressure; rebellion, emotional irritability; difficulty in developing normal interpersonal relationships...
As psychological expert Xu Chuan said on Weibo:
Their superficial personalities are often submissive and easy to talk to, just like Wang Lihong's external performance.
They are the perfect partners in the eyes of others, and they have achieved a lot in their careers, but it is difficult to enter into a sincere and honest emotional relationship with others, because their own emotional needs have been suppressed since childhood.
Repressed emotional needs, feedback in marriage, is the inability to empathize, and the possibility of infidelity, chaos in the relationship between men and women.
Excessive control is the worst education and a very dangerous thing.
Because you never know what the child will eventually look like under your control.
Remember Wang Meng, a Peking University student who sent a long text of 10,000 words to count his parents, blocked his parents for 6 years, and did not return home for 12 years?
He excelled in both primary studies and excellent grades, was admitted to the biology major of Peking University in the college entrance examination, and became one of the top 50 university graduate students in the United States after graduating from undergraduate...
However, all this could not make up for the psychological problems caused by his long-term repression.
He blamed the problem on the "excessive care" of his parents from an early age:
In order to protect him, his mother did not let him go to kindergarten, and during primary school, he was often locked up at home by his mother, not allowed to go out, and did everything.
The school engaged in activities, the teacher asked to wear shorts, but his mother preferred to let him wear long pants, afraid of the cold, the result made the teacher dissatisfied, let the classmates laugh.
When I asked my parents for help because the seat transfer in high school affected the learning environment, I was scolded by my father: "What is the impact of the same table?" "The most despicable dog wants to be fair" "Why do you ask the school to give you preferential treatment, just because you study well?" ”
Wang Meng said: "If the purpose of education is to control children, then my parents are really outstanding models, and all they pay is just to control." ”
Between the words, there is hatred for parents.
Hard work to pull the child up, but the last thing to give back is the child's hatred, I think, this must not be what parents are willing to see.
If you don't want to go this far in your relationship with your child, parents should control their desire for control.
To do this, the most important thing is to establish a "sense of boundaries", learn to "break away" from family affection, and respect the differences between individual families.
If you realize that your desire to control may have hurt your child, you may want to apologize frankly to your child.
A few days ago, there was such a topic on the hot search: After watching the female psychologist, my mother apologized.
A netizen posted that he had good grades since he was a child, and he began to live in junior high school, and he also lived in high school, but he didn't want to say anything to his parents.
One day at lunch, his mother suddenly apologized to him, saying that he should not be so young to send him to boarding.
Mom said that after watching the female psychologist, she felt that she had done a lot wrong and couldn't stand him.
Although he told his mother that he did not care, he silently cried during his nap.
It turned out that he had been waiting for an apology from his parents.
Parents are also the first time to be parents, and it is inevitable that they will make clumsy mistakes and hurt their children.
But if you dare to let go of authority and say "I'm sorry" to your child frankly, it is both a manifestation of love and a warm wisdom.
May parents and children always have love, and the more they love, the more they love, the closer they are.
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