Have you ever had such an experience in your life?
Always embarrassed to refuse and others, reluctantly wronging themselves again and again, fulfilling others?
Especially concerned about their own image in the eyes of others, and constantly change and adjust themselves according to the expectations of others?
Sometimes I know that the other party is bullying me and taking advantage of myself, but I still choose to swallow my anger?
In the hit drama "Female Psychologist", Xiao Mo is such a person, and his encounter has resonated with many people, who have left messages "In his body, I see my own shadow!" ”
Xiao Mo is a person who is particularly bad at rejecting others, and he responds to everyone's requests.
Go to the barbershop, face the chattering barber, knowing that he is giving himself a set, tricking himself into a membership card, but he can never say "no", and willingly pulls out his wallet.
In the company, he never refuses others to force his work, others go clubbing and singing after work, but after work, he works hard to help colleagues work overtime to do PPT;
I was drenched in soup chicken, just walked into the office building to receive a colleague asking to buy a drink text message, obviously can refuse, but choose to turn around and rush into the rain to buy hot drinks for colleagues.
However, such a person who thinks of others at every turn is the most inconspicuous existence in the department.
There was no him at the dinner, no him in the clubbing, he was left out of all the team-building activities, and his colleagues thought he was a "stupid" person.
Xiao Mo couldn't understand, "What the hell am I doing wrong to make them hate me so much?" ”
When confronted with the psychologist, Xiao Mo admitted frankly, "I am afraid, I am afraid that he will be angry, will isolate me, reject me, and will feel that I am a bad person." "Therefore, the little Molai does not refuse, works hard and complains, and would rather wronged himself than fulfill others."
This is the typical flattering personality!
The flattering personality tends to have a high tolerance for others, no principles, no bottom line; every time a problem occurs, they will be the first to attribute the problem to themselves and leave the relationship for others; their self-esteem is very low, and whatever they do is mainly based on the happiness of others.
The personality of almost unprincipled flattery to others and complete disregard of one's own feelings is distorted.
The flattering personality is not formed at once, but will be revealed in the child's every move from an early age, if your child has such behavior, parents should be vigilant
1, rarely reject others
When playing with friends, the tolerance is extremely high, and many things are obviously unwilling and willing to do. He will even become the one in charge of running errands in the companion party, who can direct him, and no matter how unreasonable the request, he can try to complete it.
2. Rarely express your opinions
Eat and order, like to say "casual"; choose the place to play, like to say "all right".
Regardless of what he says or does, he rarely has his own point of view and likes to go with the flow. He never had his own preferences, all with everyone's tastes, he never had his own ideas, it was always "you guys say it".
Such people seem to have a good personality, but in fact, they are all flattering personalities, they dare not put forward their own ideas, afraid of bringing trouble to others, worried that others are unhappy, and have opinions about themselves, so they have become an old good person.
3. Overly concerned about the emotions of others
Especially at social events, he was always very nervous, observing the colors of speech, constantly observing the emotions, reactions and language of others. As soon as someone else is a little unhappy, he immediately compromises, or feels nervous and panicked.
It can be said that others are their own emotional leaders, and their own happiness depends entirely on the emotions of others.
The flattering personality has been wronging himself all his life and fulfilling others, and the saddest thing is his efforts, which others often can't see!
Others will not ask for his opinion, because they know that he will definitely agree;
Others will arbitrarily push the work to him, because they know that he will not refuse;
It didn't matter if the party didn't take him, he would never get angry; anything good that didn't take his turn was okay, he would never care.
Pleasing personality, seemingly responsive, docile personality, easy to talk, such a person, often in the team is the most easily overlooked person, become a shadow-like person.
So how is the flattering personality formed?
The famous psychotherapist Hellinger once said: "The emergence of flattering behavior patterns comes from childhood trauma." ”
The flattering personality was not formed in a day, but his experience slowly cultivated this personality.
When Xiao Mo was in school, he experienced school violence, but when he asked his parents for help, his parents always attributed the reason to him, and said without pain, "Some things have passed without being patient, you are not obedient, how are people willing to be friends with you."
This kind of education has made Xiao Mo have the wrong cognition: "Others are not good to me, it is my problem." So, in order to please people, he had to let go of all his self-esteem and please others.
Psychologist Susan Newman points out that the flatterer lives in the expectations of others, constantly chasing the approval of others, and they are willing to do anything for this purpose.
He craves love, he craves attention, but he uses the wrong approach. He hopes that through his own compromises and grievances, everyone will identify with himself, see himself, and care about himself, but he mistakenly pushes himself to the edge of being ignored.
Psychologist Harriet Braiker mentions in his book "Flattery is a Disease":
"There is a big misconception about flattery, many people will feel that it is a benign psychological state, after all, it seems that it is always good to be treated as a good person, but the actual situation is that many people are no longer simply pleasing others, but uncontrollably pleasing others, subconsciously sacrificing themselves, and even addicted to the appreciation and approval from others." 」
The more you pursue love, the less you get it!
The more attention is pursued, the more invisible it is!
Montessori said: Many mental illnesses, traced back to their roots, are related to the trauma they have suffered in childhood. If you want to refuse to please the personality, parents should pay attention to the parenting of their children
Love for children should be unconditional
"If you don't behave, I won't love you."
"If you can't do well, don't come back."
"Such a little score, I say it's humiliating."
Maybe parents think that such words can motivate children to grow and become better, in fact, such words are to create a "flattering personality" of children.
Children will think that their parents love themselves in exchange for conditions. In order to make parents happy and let them pay more attention to themselves, the child will do his best to please the parents, and slowly this kind of flattery will become a fixed behavior pattern and thinking mode of the child.
Psychologists believe that a child's self-confidence is an affirmation of his own value as a person, and fundamentally comes from the unconditional love of his parents.
If you want your child to have self-esteem, to have self-confidence, the first step, the love for your child, must not come with any conditions!
Allow your child to say "no"
In many families, parents are the absolute authority, and children are absolutely not allowed to say "no"! Otherwise, this child will not be obedient, disobedient, and do not understand things, and will become a "bad child".
When the child finds that his "no" is useless, the child becomes passive and obedient, and he will no longer raise any of his own opinions, because he knows that it is useless to say it.
And this mode of thinking will affect the child's social, work and life, making him a submissive person.
Parents must return the right to say "no" to their children, only if the child dares to say "no" and dares to refuse, he can become a person with opinions, ideas, self-esteem, and self-confidence.
Help your child build a baseline
The biggest problem with flattering personalities is that there is no bottom line. Parents must help their children establish bottom lines and principles from an early age.
Let your child understand that I can help you, but not without a bottom line; I can tolerate you, but not a bottomless and repeated concession.
When a child has a sense of the bottom line, he can better protect himself and make himself live more freely and confidently.
Don't pay too much attention to other people's eyes
Psychologist Adler said: In interpersonal relationships, how others evaluate you, that is someone else's subject, you simply can not control.
Children who live in the eyes of others always take other people's standards as their own standards of life, and they live carefully and tremblingly.
To help children unload the psychological burden, do not care too much about the eyes of others, and sometimes, even learn to be selfish, pay more attention to their emotions and feelings.
Children with pleasing personalities, they live in the eyes and evaluations of others all their lives, carry the weight forward, sooner or later will be crushed.
People live in this world, not to please others, but to please themselves, to let themselves live happily, live freely, live confidently and sunny.
And to become a person who pleases others, or a person who pleases himself, the creator is the education of parents!