I am Xu Lang, who has been in prison for her first love, and my wife suddenly knows her recent situation

Original illustration: Meow Meow Xia, narrator: Xu Lang, male, 33 years old

01

My name is Xu Lang.

A person who was once a male protagonist on the small story platform.

For a love that began on a high school campus, I learned the look of Andy Lau in "Heavenly Love", smashed the glass of the wedding dress shop with a garbage can, just to get a wedding dress for Wu Qianlian.

Then, we didn't have lovers like the people in the play.

I was detained for six months.

When I came out, Bai Shan, the great heroine of my entire youth, had become someone else's bride.

At that moment, my ten years of love and youth died at the same time.

Looking back, it's another decade.

That day, I accidentally saw Bai Shan writing about me on the xiaonian story platform.

She said that if the wedding dress in the window could talk, it would definitely tell Xu Lang that loving a girl was not to let her go with other men, but to try not to miss her.

She said that Xu Lang did not understand her in the end.

Ten years later, I want to say to Bai Shan: At that time, how could I actually understand myself?

02

Perhaps, every boy will meet the girl he most wants to protect for the rest of his life when he is most incompetent.

Bai Shan was that girl.

Although for me, she used to be high, beautiful, excellent, and popular.

And I, a scumbag and aggressive, am the kind of boy who grew up in the critical eyes of his parents and teachers and was extremely confused about the future.

Therefore, it is always necessary to fall in love with something higher than yourself in order to make people look forward to a future in life.

Bai Shan is a girl in the high light of my life, dressed in a clear body.

I knew I wasn't worthy, but I still had the courage to walk with her for a while.

03

Adolescent love, the love that can be thought of is companionship.

Morning and evening self-study escorts; showing a desperate gesture when she was harassed by drunks.

In order to attract her attention for a long time, when he found that he was not the material for reading, he chose to practice guitar hard.

Knowing that girls like boys sweating like rain on the basketball court, I became a basketball kid who was in the limelight.

When I couldn't get into the same university as her, I chose to work in her city.

She is the center of my circle.

04

But I forgot that "together" is not the end, but only the beginning.

When Bai Shan was my whole world, she had another world that was bigger than the diameter of my life.

There, there are young talents, there are supplies of knowledge and insight, and there are people and things that are more interesting than the world of two people.

Eighteen or nineteen years old, I knew very well that I would slowly not be worthy of Bai Shan, but I was not willing.

So, I also tried to make some achievements for her.

However, reality easily allows me to see how many pounds I have.

With my high school education, the jobs I could find were either waiters or security guards.

Low income, not what I was most afraid of at that time, what I was most afraid of, was that when I was doing unskilled work every day, when I thought about the future, my eyes were dark.

05

During the four years I studied in a foreign country, as soon as I got my salary, I couldn't wait to buy gifts for Bai Shan and take her to dinner.

It's not that she needs it, it's that I'm going to wrap my self-esteem and show my sincere determination to love her.

In fact, it can be seen that every time she receives gifts and eats the so-called feast, Bai Shan is forcing her face to smile.

On her 20th birthday, I invited her and her roommates to eat the most luxurious buffet at that time, then went to the K song, and sang the theme song of the movie "Heavenly Love" for her on the guitar.

Then, amid the applause and screams of her roommates, she looked at her coolly: "Bai Shan, I love you." ”

Once upon a time, when I said this, my heart was full of happiness and hope.

And that day, the expression and tone were still firm, but the heart, unspeakably weak.

Because I know that no matter how open and generous the scene is at this time, this is not my real strength.

For such a scene, I asked my parents for help.

While singing the most literary songs, what I thought to myself was that I couldn't even pay for tomorrow's breakfast in my pocket.

A person who can't even afford his girlfriend's birthday, what to give her future?

06

At that time, although I was with Bai Shan every day, I knew in my heart that we would eventually drift apart.

The only thing you can do is to stretch the process.

After graduating from university, Bai Shan stayed in the city where the university was located and became a white-collar worker of a well-known foreign company.

To get her closer to work, we moved and doubled our rent.

In order to make more money, I quit my sparring job at the boxing gym, first delivering couriers and then delivering takeaways.

One day it was raining, and I was anxious to finish the last order to pick up Bai Shan from work.

As a result, there was a fall on the road, and the takeaway soup water was all spilled.

Not only was I complained about by customers, but I also lost money.

Panicking and riding an electric car to Bai Shan's unit, she was walking out of the office building with her colleagues.

Someone else either took a taxi or someone drove to pick her up, but I, with a raincoat and helmet in my hand, acted like a thief, and ran to her until her colleagues were gone.

That day, along the way, we didn't speak.

Each other's hearts were heavier than the heavy rain.

07

That night, Bai Shan had a cold.

I went downstairs to buy her medicine and took the alcohol to physically cool her down.

At one o'clock in the morning, when I reconfirmed if she had a fever, I realized that she was not sleeping.

We didn't turn on the lights, and she asked me in the dark: "Xu Lang, when are we going to get married?" ”

At that time, how inferior I was, how vulnerable I was.

She asks when I get married when I have nothing, what's the difference between that and mentioning breaking up.

However, I was reluctant to break up, although I knew in my heart that the distance between us was getting bigger and bigger, but I still hoped to be with her.

So, I looked around at him and told her jokes with a smile.

Those jokes finally made her laugh at a very low point.

But, I was crying inside.

08

In the second year of Bai Shan's work, she was promoted and actually achieved the position of personnel supervisor.

Of course, that was the result of her efforts.

At that time, I think it was because she was incompetent, that's why she would fight so hard.

And I also know more and more that Bai Shan, who has academic qualifications, ability and motivation, will become more and more excellent.

And I, the result of desperate efforts is to work more every day, and earn more than a few dozen yuan of salary.

This kind of love must be thick-skinned before it can be persisted.

09

So, when Bai Shan tried to introduce me to a new job, I sneered: "Do you hate me for sending food to shame you?" ”

Later, I couldn't bear to see her hurt expression, and I also went to the interview with the attitude of trying it out.

However, academic qualifications, abilities, and psychological qualities are all hard injuries.

The process of interview and trial is undoubtedly the most thorough self-exposure.

I messed up the effort she made for me.

I know how disappointed she is.

Therefore, when Bai Shan asked me if I had ever thought about our future, whether I thought about having children in the future, how to settle the parents of both sides, and so on, I shed a ton of tears in my heart, but my mouth was cynical: "There will be a road before the car reaches the mountain, and you will tie the knot whenever you want, and we will listen to you whenever we want." ”

So humble!

Obviously know that "breaking up" is the inevitable ending, or use such a tone to give the end of this relationship a chance to postpone execution.

10

And in the face of this little time bought with self-esteem, the more I cherish it, the more overwhelmed I am.

Ming Ming said to himself in his heart, he should desperately be good to Bai Shan, so that when she remembers me in the future, it will be all small beauty.

However, the things she did and the words she said hurt her all the time.

Obviously, he went to the unit to pick her up every day after work, but in the end he did not appear in front of her, for fear of embarrassing her.

Obviously, when she was working overtime, she had cleaned up the house very neatly, but in the end she was messing up before she came back, and then, when she returned, the whole person swallowed the clouds and vomited fog while trapped in the sofa to play games.

I just want to see how long she can put up with me.

Yes, I used this childish way to force her to mention the breakup.

11

This day, finally, came.

When Bai Shan asked me what I planned to do to plan for the future because I refused to accept the job she introduced? I finally said, "I don't deserve you, I can't delay you, if there is a better man chasing you, you can go, I don't blame you." ”

Really, just by saying that, I could feel my self-esteem rubbing against the ground.

And Bai Shan's words were even more heartfelt: "Yes, there are indeed better men chasing me, there have always been, each one is stronger than you, you are satisfied!" ”

Even though I knew it was an angry remark, the tears of grievance and anger in her eyes illustrated it.

But I knew that I should accept it when I saw it was good, and I should leave.

For this unequal love, the last love is to let go of the hand.

12

Walking out the door, I realized I had nowhere to go.

The city is so big, but my world has always been able to hold only two people.

Loving her is a happiness that I can no longer provide for.

So, what do I do next?

That night, I stayed in a small hotel and bought a bottle of 10 yuan small burner.

The wine enters the intestines and turns into tears.

The next day, after waking up drunk, it was already three rods in the day.

Back at the rental house, I took everything that had to do with myself, as if I hadn't been in her life.

People always have to say goodbye to things they can't hold.

It was sad.

But at that time, I wanted to do the kind of thing that poured salt on the wound, and it hurt and felt good.

13

The world is so big, but it has lost the people who have used the whole youth to love, as if there is only one way to go home.

Going back like this, it feels humiliating to think about.

So, on the last night of leaving Bai Shan's city, I was drunk again.

Then, I went to the wedding dress shop that we often passed.

Smashed the window with a hammer prepared in advance, and pulled out Bai Shan's favorite wedding dress...

Everyone thinks that I am too stupid, that I am poisoned by Hong Kong and Taiwan literary and art films, and that I am blinded by love.

Yes, but not exactly.

I certainly know the consequences of this action.

I also know that only in this way will I draw an earth-shattering end to my vigorous first love.

More importantly, only in this way can I be "picked up" home by my parents.

This is youth, a boy who thinks he is touched by the earth, but in fact, he is naïve to youth.

14

After the accident, I was quickly detained.

The first to receive the notice were, of course, my parents.

I clearly remember when they came to visit me, there was no blame, and there was only one sentence over and over again: "Half a year has passed quickly, and your parents are waiting for you to come home." ”

Only at that moment did I have the opportunity to take a good look at my parents.

Dad's white hair on his sideburns fell into my eyes, shocking.

I also realized for the first time that my parents would also be old, and I was no longer qualified to squander my time and exile myself for whom.

In this way, I used the most extreme way to say goodbye to my youth, my first love, and my little more.

I learned two things in my six months in detention center.

Bai Shan will eventually become my past; the best way for a person to protect his self-esteem is to cultivate a sense of responsibility, and the premise of loving a person is to first give himself the capital and ability to love.

15

Six months later, I returned home with my parents.

I started with a waiter and then opened my current restaurant.

Once upon a time, the ancient boy who could cause a war when he was stepped on by others slowly became the uncle who was pulled by the drunkard and smiled slightly.

When you know what kind of life you want, you can endure any kind of life, and that's me.

My wish now is extremely simple, relying on a hard-working share, so that parents can rest assured that they are old, so that their wives and children can live happily.

This thing in life, what you get, what you can't get, is not as good as peace of mind.

16

This National Day, several high school classmates came to the hotel for a small gathering.

One of the classmates who returned from the field was in the same city as Bai Shan.

She said that Bai Shan was married, had a daughter, had a good life, and found the story That Bai Shan told from her mobile phone.

Everyone read it, and everything was sighing.

A story of a middle-aged man who was drunk at a table.

Some people say that they envy such an exciting youth love song, and some people say that everything is the best arrangement.

Some people also asked: "Xu Lang, dreaming back in the middle of the night, is it regret or regret, or is there some resentment?" ”

Without dripping wine, I called my wife into the private room, wrapped my arms around her shoulders and said to everyone: "She knows these past events, who has not yet passed!" I now think that the best explanation for a relationship may be that she is very good, and I am not bad..."

I did live up to the time I had spent together, but I didn't insult each other's eyes.

17

That night, my classmates left, and I had a rare insomnia.

After reading the story that Bai Shan told over and over again, I suddenly felt as if I had something to say.

She said: "If the wedding dress in the window can talk, it will definitely tell Xu Lang that loving a girl is not to let her go with other men, but to try not to miss her." ”

However, what Xu Lang, who is middle-aged, wants to say is another thing: "The road for a boy to become a man is actually longer and bumpier than others think, even difficult." ”

Otherwise, there would be no such thing as a man dying as a teenager.

Our minds tend to lag behind our bodies and often regard loving someone as the whole meaning of life.

The boy's growth, many times is to hit the south wall, is to break the head and bleed so once.

That is the price of love and the only way to grow.

18

So, write this sequel to youth.

Not as a lover, nor with a nostalgic tone of youth.

Instead, as a person who came over, he told the boys who were in their youth: Whose youth is not confused? We're all the same.

However, I hope that my story can make you take fewer detours.

In that age when hormones are the most exuberant, it is not uncommon to meet and fall in love with anyone, but it is rare that we can understand earlier: youth is very beautiful, and youth is sometimes particularly cruel.

The premise of love is self-love, that your ambition is worthy of your ability, that it is equally possessed.

Love is not a simple collision of two hearts, but a sense of responsibility and action to protect each other.

Otherwise, no matter how good a person is, no matter how gorgeous the youth, no matter how beautiful the feelings, in the end, it can only end sloppily.

PS: The wine glass is too shallow, it can't come to Japan long, the alley is too short, and it can't walk white-haired. With this article, we would like to pay tribute to our lost youth.