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In the past two days, the community of interesting coaches suddenly exploded, caused by a video connection between 3 married female doctors of Peking University and teacher Chizuko Ueno.
They said that after seeing the chest tightness and shortness of breath, they were obviously rushing to "live as long as they are free and free", to see how women can live more freely like Ueno-sensei.
Instead, the result is:
"Is it about falling in love or not?"
"You don't marry because you're hurt by a man?"
"Are you unable to get married because the conditions are not allowed?"
......
Although the dialogue in this video can be called "disaster level", it can't help but make people think that women's choices and plans in life, such as workplace, marriage, and love, seem to be within a certain dogmatic framework.
This "framework" is so strong that women can't help but gaze with themselves when discussing their "freedom"—am I not perfect, am I "both want and want".
The so-called "both want and want" is: want to have an excellent career, but also want to have sweet love, model marriage, excellent children.
Instead of living more freely, there are more and more shackles on the body.
The more I think about it, the more I feel that women's freedom seems to be just an ideal, and there is no hope of realizing it.
But after I interviewed three working women from the 00s, 90s, and 80s in the interesting coaching community, I rekindled hope.
They told me that women's freedom is not blindly lowering your bottom line and compromising downward, freedom can be selfish, as long as you have clear goals and plans.
Today, I want to share this hope with you.
01
It's better to be friends with him than to fall in love with him
@骅芊芊 | Shanghai/Fashion/Post-80s
I felt lucky to have enlightened parents, many friends, and never felt lonely before my relationship first opened.
I think I'll always be so lucky that I will meet people I like and like at the same time, and then get married and have children.
At that time, one of my favorite dramas was "Friends", and my favorite character was Joey in it.
He was the dumbest, dumbest, and naïve of the six, but the kindest, happiest, and most contenting one.
I think if I want to find a partner, I must look for him like this, stupid means that he is more simple, silly can also be very cute, naïve do not have to worry about being bored with him.
Luckily, I met my Joey in my sophomore year, who was a freshman and a year younger than me.
It was really good at the beginning, and he took me to do a lot of things that I now think is enough to die.
For example, on my birthday, he sang "Happy Birthday" to me in front of a large audience, and he also sang it as he walked, encouraging the whole restaurant to sing together, and I seriously suspected that the founder of Haidilao was in that group at that time.
But it all came to an abrupt end when I started my internship in my junior year.
Because I am a newcomer, I often work overtime, hoping to learn more, and neither my seniors nor leaders have left work, so it is not appropriate for me to leave when I get to the point.
He said he understood, he didn't blame me, and I praised him for being understanding. But I found that he cared less and less about me.
Several times I had a hard time finishing work just to be with him on the weekend, and he ended up making appointments with friends - friends gathering, friends' birthdays, friends getting a job...
Later, I finally couldn't bear it anymore, and all the grievances at work were vented to him, and I said:
"Am I more important than those fox friends of yours?
I have to die of exhaustion every day at work, you see how many times my fingers have been pricked with needles, and you don't even care. ”
I thought that my grievances would be exchanged for his care, but instead he said, "They are my friends, and you are already at work, so you can't let me wait for you in the dormitory without doing anything!" ”
I asked without hesitation, "No, I can only choose one with your friends." ”
I thought he would choose me, but that's just what I thought.
After the breakup, I concentrated on my work, and met my current husband at work, he is mature and steady, he has a plan, and although he is a straight man, I am at ease with him.
Because he will always choose me between other people and me.
Some time ago, I met "Joey" again, he was still the same, not qualified, not embarrassed to see me, and came up to say hello warmly.
I was also relieved that I should be friends with him rather than falling in love with him
02
For women, misogyny is an aversion to oneself
@钱多多 | Beijing/Live Broadcast Operation/Post-90s
It is better to marry a rich man than to be a rich person yourself.
Since my parents divorced, this phrase has been my life motto.
For me, perfect and long-lasting love, there are not many, and it is not something I can control;
But a career promotion and salary increase in the workplace is something I can see and touch, and it is a necessity for me to survive.
I never dreamed of a so-called prince to come to the rescue, relying on trees to fall, I just wanted to rely on myself.
So I never watch domestic workplace dramas, and I don't understand why I have to arrange some embarrassing, boring, noisy and unrealistic emotional lines???
But in recent years, I began to be urged to marry by my mother, 93 years old I am 30 this year, this age is not married, in my mother's eyes is already a "big disobedience", three days and two heads of urging marriage.
In fact, I have not been in love, and I just talked for less than half a year last year, and I unilaterally announced my breakup on the grounds that "I am too strong".
This makes me think that there may really be no boy suitable for me, I know that I am very persistent in some things, but I just don't want to change, why can boys have machismo, girls can't?
Chizuko Ueno also said in "Misogyny": "Men's misogyny is discrimination and insult to others. Because men do not have to worry about becoming women, they can safely alienate and discriminate against women. ”
But when I re-read and looked up Ueno-sensei's books and texts in the past few days, I found that I had deliberately ignored some things before, such as the sentence after the previous paragraph:
"But what about women? For women, misogyny is an aversion to oneself. ”
I just found out that I was living the way I hated the most. My choices and dilemmas have nothing to do with age or gender.
What I should really be thinking about is: What is my worth living?
Men? Money? Marriage? Maybe neither, I don't know the answer yet, it's something I'm going to explore for the rest of my life.
But I have stopped rejecting occasional signs of weakness, and I have also begun to experiment with long hair and start watching some sweet love urban dramas.
03
Couples in different places, must it be a girl compromise?
@要相信光 | Hangzhou / screenwriter / 00s
In the eyes of many people, the graduation season is the breakup season, after all, the future direction is undecided, and there are too many uncertainties.
But I don't think so, and I'm confident about our future.
I studied screenwriting, my boyfriend studied directing, and our ideal is for me to write a book and he directs it into a movie.
And before graduation, we have received an offer from the same company and interned together for nearly half a year.
I feel like we've taken the first step toward our ideal – the 2 skits I wrote are already online, the numbers are good, and the director is my boyfriend.
I thought everything was going perfectly, but there was a problem between us.
My boyfriend didn't want to make short videos, short dramas, wanted to be a film director, and wanted me to jump to a film and television company in Beijing with him.
And I already have some achievements in this company and have my own debut works.
The workplace is on the rise, and leaving me is equivalent to starting all over again.
When I wrote the script, I really liked to write about such a dilemma, and I didn't think that one day it would happen to me.
Looking at my boyfriend's expectant eyes, I thought about agreeing to him, but I don't know why it said, "No, I want to stay." ”
We haven't spoken for a week, I don't know how to express it, I don't think it's a scorer in a different place, but I don't dare to be so absolute.
This kind of psychology makes me absolutely betray our relationship, let alone how to say it.
Or my boyfriend took the initiative to come over and said, "This time is my problem, I shouldn't force you to leave with me." I've been observing you these days, and it's really better for you to choose to stay. ”
I'm really afraid that his next sentence will be "For the sake of your career, let's break up", fortunately, he didn't say, he said:
"But I don't believe our four-year relationship is so fragile that we still have to achieve our ideals." We work hard together to overcome overcome, what do you think?! ”
Hearing him say this, I knew that I was not looking at the wrong person, and I didn't care if it was a company, I threw myself into his arms excitedly, and nodded fiercely.
Now we have been away from home for half a year, and everything is fine, although sometimes we miss each other's calls because we are busy with work, and we forget to make video calls at night because of overtime.
But we have always maintained communication, said everything directly, and warned ourselves not to "do not open your mouth in case of an accident, chase your wife (husband) crematorium" like in the script.
- Write at the end -
I once saw Mr. Ueno's speech at the opening ceremony of the University of Tokyo in 2019, and I was shocked to hear the beginning of this bold speech.
Originally just knowing her, watching this talk I began to understand her and her books and documentaries in depth.
At first, I just felt that there were too many golden sentences, and it was too cool to watch, and it came to my heart.
But to be honest, the more I read, the more discomfort I felt, because she was researching and writing about a reality that I didn't want to face but had to face, and Ueno-sensei just told the truth.
I hope that one day I can also be like Ueno-sensei who gently but firmly said, "I just don't want to get married, not that I'm not interested in men." ”
Written by Chloe Dong Interesting Coach Editor-in-Chief
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"I am able to say with conceit,
It was we who changed society. ”
- Ueno-sensei
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