Many parents come to Xingzhi because of their children's education problems, and when they hear that they need to learn, they will ask such a question: "Is it the child who has a problem, why am I learning?" Are you mistaken? ”
I think many parents who are reading this article will also have such questions, and Xiaoling did the same when she first joined Xingzhi.
Xiaoling's 15-year-old child is bored with school, drops out of school, rebellious, early in love, does not communicate with adults, and the relationship between husband and wife is also very tense, so she finds Xingzhi.
At that time, Xiaoling was very uncomfortable, "I have to cook and do housework every day after work, I am tired and tired every day, and the result is that the child does not obey the grades, the husband does not do anything every day, and complains that I will not teach the child, is the child me alone?" ”
Hearing Xiaoling's description, I could feel that she was very aggrieved and devoted herself to her family, but in the end she was thankless.
"Is there any way to make a difference for kids and husbands?" This is Xiaoling to find the help we want to seek, when she heard that we need to learn and grow on our own, Xiaoling was very surprised, "Is there a problem with them?" Why is it me who changed? ”
01 "Why am I the one who changed?"
The traditional model of the Chinese family is that the male protagonist is outside the female protagonist, and the man thinks that as long as he earns more money, the woman only needs to run the family well, but many times forget that the operation of the family is not good by relying on each other to pay more, but requires two people to have a common goal to move forward.
"Change is for their own good, so it should be them to learn to change, why is it me who changed?" This is the idea of parents.
When you think like this, you enter a misunderstanding. It's what you expect your children and husband to be, it's what you expect your family to be.
For example, the child does not tidy up the room, things are thrown around, parents are very uncomfortable every day, follow behind to help the child tidy up, and also said a bunch of the benefits of tidying up. For the child, he feels that things are messy, but they are very comfortable, and things can be found. These behaviors are not problematic in the eyes of the child.
So who thinks there's a problem? It's you. If you still want to make your life happy through the other person's changes, I am afraid that you will be disappointed, and your relationship and family will only get worse and worse.
You have to understand: such a home is what you want, not them. What kind of environment do you want, what kind of marriage you want, what kind of children do you want, so who do you think needs to adjust?
When Xiaoling heard me say this, she seemed to understand and said, "I understand these truths, what kind of family I want to have, I need to adjust myself." ”
02 I believe
Although Xiaoling said this on her lips, she still had some unacceptable feelings in her heart, especially after she studied the knowledge of family education for a period of time, she felt that she had changed a lot, but when she returned home, she saw that her husband and children still had no changes, and her heart was very uncomfortable.
"I will now encourage the child, see the child's progress, and express it, but the child still does not talk to me."
"I've changed myself a lot and rarely complain about life, but my husband still has a lot of dissatisfaction with me."
I could feel Xiaoling's pain and powerlessness, and she felt that she was powerless to change the status quo.
Her focus is not on the results of her own creation, but on her children and husband, she just controls others in a different way. The previous set of ways was more rude and couldn't make you listen to me, but now I've changed a gentle way, and now you should always listen to me, right?
A person who always wants others to listen to him is not to believe in his own performance.
When we believe in ourselves enough, we don't think about controlling others or worrying about something, and we are not afraid of any accidents, because we believe that we can handle everything.
You can handle everything that happens, and your sense of fun, pride, and accomplishment all comes out.
A lot of times we are thinking about what we do to make others change, or change ourselves is painful, when you have felt that your changes affect others, you will feel very happy, affecting others is a kind of fun and ability.
Alan Gandhi, founder and chairman of Mahatma Gandhi Nonviolent Communication, once said: "I believe that our dreams cannot be realized unless we start with me." Unfortunately, we always want others to start changing first. ”
03 Love yourself
Xiaoling slowly understood that all changes need to start from herself, and she only wanted to change others, and she began to attack herself for "I am too selfish" and "I always put the responsibility on others".
We often attack ourselves with such evaluations, which is very detrimental to our learning.
Loving yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
When we learn to love ourselves and let our lives live out our own brilliance, it is undoubtedly a good example in front of children, and we are using factual examples to tell children that there are countless possibilities in life and can be achieved through their own efforts.
The embodiment of loving life must be to do something fun, and if the way you choose to live is out of fear, guilt, obligation, duty, shame, your life must be boring.
If we are committed to meeting the needs of others and ourselves for healthy growth, then even hard work is not short of fun.
When we are in a low mood, we may complain. If we treat people with a harsh attitude towards ourselves, our mood will not be much better. When we learn to make ourselves at peace, see the needs of ourselves and others, and take positive action, we will regain our enthusiasm for life.
Now that Xiaoling is about to graduate, she loves herself, her family, and life during this time period, "What Xingzhi is doing is a thing that affects life, and I am glad to meet Xingzhi and find myself and become myself here." ”
It is precisely because Xiaoling has lived out her own style in life, living happily every day, affecting her children and husbands, "Now what children do has their own goals and directions, and will share many things with me." My husband will also take the initiative to take on housework and will discuss everything with me. I just knew that life can still live so happily. ”