Today, for the sake of 1,000 bad moms, I have to be fair

Different cities, the same frequency of you

Ending song title: Rensan - Listen to Mom

Source: Idle Flowers Bloom | Liu Na

ID：xsha369

Today is Mother's Day.

But I don't want to write hymns or sensational chicken soup.

Because, if the truth is nowhere to be found, praise will be meaningless. If suffering has nowhere to hide, sensationalism will only make people more embarrassed.

So, today, I, an emotional writer who has met at least 1,000 "bad moms" in my daily work, decided to untie every mom who sees this article from the perspective of psychological construction:

Mother's Day, we don't want to be blind and reasonable, we just want to find a comfortable position to be ourselves.

01

A lot of bad moms,

All good moms.

"I'm a bad mother, I'm anxious, broken, miserable, I lose my temper with my child at every turn, I regret it even more after each tantrum, but the next time I encounter the same situation, I repeat the same mistakes, I am really bad." 」

Whether it is in letters or consultations, I have seen more such mothers.

"No, you've done enough, you've done your best."

Every time, I would reply to them, "The reason why you are caught in the vicious cycle of bad emotions is that your anxiety and pain are not seen, and there are too few people around you who bear the burden of loosening your bondage for you." You're too tired. ”

Whenever I replied like this, the women who called themselves "bad mothers" started crying.

Were they touched by me?

No, no, no.

They just haven't been seen like this for a long time.

Not being seen is the source of despair again and again for the "bad mother" in the repeated dilemma.

Many bad mothers are actually good mothers.

Because they are so eager to get better, they are so harsh on themselves.

The experience of the original family and the relationship between the regenerative family have never provided them with a chance to breathe, nor have they been given a template for a "good mother" to learn from.

Only when they first accept themselves and give up the harsh punishment of themselves, will the "good" part of them grow stronger and stronger.

02

Not strong enough,

It's great too.

In the internet age, open the Internet, stories about women are almost always plastered with labels of "strong" and "excellent":

Independent, domineering, walking with the wind, annual salary of millions, a person raised 3 children and lived in a mansion, found that the scumbag cheated and immediately took the child to divorce, how to cultivate a single mother to be admitted to the Qingbei school bully...

All of this makes women who are not too independent, not too brave, unable to achieve an annual salary of millions, living in a rented apartment worrying about their homework children, and finding that their husbands are cheating and unable to divorce, ashamed and guilty.

"I know that all these problems I have encountered today are that I am too incompetent."

This is one of the most and painful words I have heard in my counseling.

It is this sentence that makes me think:

While our media exaggerates the excessive emphasis on independent women, is it also invisibly crushing the survival and psychological space of those who are not very independent?

Independence is good, but if you can't be independent, it must be evil?

Excellent is good, but if you can't be excellent, it must be bad?

An annual salary of one million is good, but an annual salary of thirty thousand, must it be a shame?

No.

People's luck, abilities and circumstances are very different.

Some are as rich and gorgeous as peonies, and some are as small and humble as Tess — but she has exhausted everything to bloom, just so as not to miss this spring.

A truly beautiful society, pay tribute to the woman who walks with the wind, but also be kind to the weak woman who can't help the wind.

Not everyone can be a queen, because the crown is one, and because the ordinary is the majority after all.

So, I often say to the ordinary women I meet:

"It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter if you don't have a second child.

Stay-at-home mom, it's okay.

We're not strong, it's okay.

We're not good, and it doesn't matter. ”

It doesn't matter, it's not a false comfort, but a psychological construction that limits survival, a self-release that accepts reality.

No matter how disturbed the outside world is, we first tell ourselves that "it's okay", and then we can build ourselves in a hurry.

03

True Self,

Better than false pretense.

I don't know if the mothers have found:

In real life, those mothers and children who fight and even hate each other do not remember overnight feuds, there are not too many things, and there are very few extreme tragedies.

On the contrary, those parent-child relationships that seem to have a good relationship and are polite, in the places where the crowd can't see, actually hide deeper and more intense problems.

After the wu xieyu murder of his mother, everyone around Wu Xieyu could not believe it.

Because the murdered teacher Xie Tianqin and the murderer Wu Xieyu always "looked good."

And from the depressed children I have come into contact with, many children are very obedient children.

I have shared this strange picture with many mothers and children who come to me crying, and throw them two questions:

"Do you think your mischievous child has ever been the real self?"

"Do you think your anxious mother has ever been the real self?"

Yes.

Well, congratulations, although your child/your mom makes people very unconscious, and even constantly attacks you, denigrates you, hurts you, but ta is at least the real self.

Your current problems are the problems of communication, the problems of understanding, the problems of methods, and these problems are not difficult to deal with.

Afraid to be afraid, those who look good, do not quarrel, do not attack the parent-child relationship, mother and child are living in the "false" good, but with the dark energy of low pressure, they have long "killed" each other.

Real conflicts, real quarrels, are far better than false happiness.

Relationships that can be quarreled are all relationships that are saved.

Good mother, not a fake mother in disguise, some temper should be sent.

Good boy, not an obedient puppet, some anger should be expressed.

Bad energy is released, and good energy is flowing.

The real us are the first step to getting better.

04

the impact of divorce on children,

Not as big as you think.

"I'm divorced, and what worries me the most is not myself. I was afraid of my children, so I had psychological problems. ”

This is the favorite thing every single mother who comes to me to talk to.

Unafraid.

The impact of divorce on children is not as great as you think.

What is most needed for the growth of children is a safe and stable energy field.

After the parents divorce, no matter who the child follows, as long as the custodian can provide a relatively peaceful magnetic field for the child and let the child have a sense of belonging in his heart, then the child will not have a big problem.

The most feared thing is that after the parents divorce, both parties do not want children.

Or one of them wants a child, but always abuses and beats, emotionally kidnaps the child, and makes the child live in physical and mental turmoil.

A woman, whether you are an unmarried mother, a single mother, or a remarried mother, does not have to blame herself for her marital status.

You just need to understand:

Even if I can't give my children good material conditions, I live as safely as a mountain, and my children will stand tall like a tree.

05

You don't have to live as a role model for your child,

But try to live your child's hometown.

Because of my work, I have also met many mothers who live at the bottom.

They have no culture, no education, rely on odd jobs to support their children, always worry that they can't provide a higher starting point for their children, and always feel sorry for their children.

I love telling these mothers the story of Peking University girl Zhong Fangrong.

Zhong Fangrong's mother is a migrant worker, and Zhong Fangrong is a left-behind child.

One of the words that Mother Zhong loves to say to her daughter is: "It doesn't matter, you've done a good job." ”

Because of the perennial separation, Zhong Fangrong is not too close to her mother, but she understands from the back of her parents' efforts to earn money: "My parents have given me the best." ”

Their relationship is the epitome of thousands of low-level parents and children:

Parents are not cultured and not terrible.

Knowing that their abilities are limited, and knowing that they do not do much, they are tolerant and accepting enough for their children.

Then, the child will blossom his own flowers.

Not every mother is Dong Mingzhu.

More mothers, are Zhong Fangrong's mothers:

Getting up early and greedy, crawling and rolling, it is inevitable to be negligent, and sometimes it is not done very well.

But they are expensive in hard work, expensive in hard work, expensive in simplicity, and expensive in kindness.

They may not be role models for children, but they have become the spiritual home of children.

06

Complaining can't save us,

But self-healing is OK.

The prosperity of the Internet and self-media has made many women who are emotional and unseen immersed in other people's stories and cool texts, chattering about men, complaining about their mother-in-law, and hating others.

With all due respect,

Complaining is an embarrassment of self-inferiority.

If complaining can solve the problem, Xiang Lin sister-in-law will not be reduced to such a tragedy.

The stories of others are just our references, and we have to follow our own signs and return to our own paths.

The most important mission of a sober and calm woman is to return to her own context, find herself, build herself, and heal herself.

We can not be good enough, we can not be good, we can divorce, we can be uncultured, we can not be strong enough.

But we cannot lose ourselves and our responsibilities in the process of complaining and winning sympathy.

Whether we are peasant women or white-collar workers, throughout our lives, we are returning to our own territory and kingdom and being a logical and self-consistent builder:

Cultivate your own land, plant your own dreams, sweat your own, reap your own fruits, heal your wounds, and shine your own light.

It's like lighting a fire of your own on a dark road.

Unconsciously, it also illuminates the hearts of those around you.

Happy Mother's Day.

— E N D —

She is the woman that Putin most admires...

(Struggling for half a lifetime to become the great Russian empress)