How many children have "you awesome" hurt?

People's Sauce says:

Some parents want their children to be more confident and praise their children excessively. But in the long run, it is easy for children to become conceited and narcissistic. Praise needs to be moderate, so how to grasp this scale?

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Text | Ai Lamb

Source | I am Ai Xiaoyang (qingchangaixiaoyang)

1

Linda, who works in preschool education in Singapore, returned home for a vacation and discussed parenting with me.

"I find that Chinese parents now have a particularly bad habit of liking tout their children. I went to the mall the day before yesterday, and a three- or four-year-old child ate a small bowl of rice by himself, and her parents and grandparents were like seeing the light of the earth, and they were around and saying, 'You're awesome.'" Isn't it his duty for such a big child to eat by himself? ”

This question has reached my heart.

I especially understand my parents' feelings.

As a generation that grew up in an environment of attack and demeaning education, we understand too well the importance of affirming education, and we desperately hope that our children will be confident and brave and not suffer the same as us.

But as Linda said, it's not that you can't praise, it's just that if you casually praise a child, it doesn't make them build up self-confidence, but on the contrary, it makes the child lose self-judgment, become sensitive, vulnerable, narcissistic, and can only listen to good words, not be criticized.

Image source: TV series "Miracle"

2

A parent complained to me about her daughter.

The daughter grew up in praise education, not only in the family praise, the kindergarten also has a special activity, let the children like each other.

Which child is in class to answer questions, or help the teacher to do the duty, the other children applaud together, saying "Hey hey you're awesome."

She slowly realized that something was wrong, and the child seemed to be doing everything just to get compliments.

Image source: TV series "Miracle"

After attending elementary school, the situation became worse because she could not hear "You are awesome" very often, and she became disliked the teacher, with a strong sense of frustration and rebelliousness.

This child's problem is almost a problem that families that believe in "praising your son" will encounter sooner or later.

First, too much praise makes children lose their sense of rules.

They don't know what their duties and responsibilities are, and they easily lose motivation to progress because it's too easy to get praise.

If the child is compared to a dolphin, the dolphin swimming, will not get the reward, it top the ball, the snoring, there is a small dried fish;

But too many of our parents, too early to give their praise, let the little dolphins feel that as long as they can swim, they are the best children in the world, too lazy to spend time and energy to learn to top the ball and snare.

Secondly, too hasty praise makes parents and children lose the ability to think.

I've seen parents who swipe their phones and say to their kids you're awesome.

I couldn't help but ask him, where do you think the child's stick is, he looked up at me blankly, and said that he read his own books, did not bother me, it was great.

And his children, tearing up the pages of the children's book corner of the bookstore, are playing and have no time to bother their father.

Image source: TV series "Miracle"

Third, praise without distinction and analysis can easily lead to a child's flattering personality.

If praise is an education, its purpose is to make the child grow, look inward, and have great energy and good character that challenges the future;

And those parents who casually and praise their children all the time are just to temporarily reassure their children and make them quiet, obedient and sensible.

The child is small and big, and soon understands what to do and how to do it, which will make mom and dad happy.

In order to receive more praise, they may lose the judgment of their own preferences and become clever children, one set in front of their faces, one set behind their backs, smiling and giggling on their faces, and mmp in their hearts.

3

Every parent wants to say 100 of you a day and you're awesome and you'll get a perfect confidence baby.

Tell you what, it's impossible!

Angela Duckworth, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, concluded after analyzing thousands of samples that the decision to determine whether a child can succeed in the future is not beautiful appearance, social intelligence, and high IQ, but tenacious character, tenacious perseverance, and resistance to stress and setbacks.

Image source: TV series "Miracle"

The casual praise of parents makes children lose the most precious character of "tenacity".

Often, those who like to praise their children casually are the same kind of parents who like to casually hit their children.

Their biggest characteristics are that they are brainless, simple and rude, lazy to observe, and unable to communicate with children in the depths of their souls.

There is a mother in our community, the child jumped a little higher when she was a child, she said: "Hello is great";

Run a little faster, she said, "You're so smart. ”

When the child went to elementary school, she was often seen scolding the child on the road, saying, "How can you be so stupid." ”

Too casual praise, sometimes a kind of brainwashing, let parents slowly believe that their children are different, once the child is not enough, parents are first defeated by frustration.

Parents can not correctly understand the difficulties of life, how to cultivate children's tenacious character?

4

In fact, on the road to growth of everyone, the most important thing is not to be praised when doing well, but to be encouraged when doing badly.

A reader had always felt that fathers were particularly serious.

At the beginning of the school, she went to the best school in the city, and in the first semester, she took the fifth place in the class, which was the end of the world for her "other people's children".

But her father smiled and said to her: "There is a day outside the sky, there are people outside the people, the next time the exam is the 10th to the bottom, I will buy a new mobile phone for you." ”

Image source: TV series "Miracle"

For the final exams, she had reached the middle of the class. In her second year of junior high school, she returned to the top ten.

She is now studying in the UK, and every time she encounters difficulties, she will think of her father's calmness and humor.

She said that no matter how beautiful the praise, it is not as calm as the parents when the sky is falling.

Her father made her understand that life is a long-distance run, and it is not necessary to fight for the day, and the process of overcoming difficulties is more important than ranking and honor.

5

Positive affirmation education is never a simple "you are awesome", but a big project that tests parents' care, patience and wisdom. Here, to give you a few suggestions.

To say "you're awesome" is better to tell the child what's so good this time.

Eating well, doing your homework, going to bed on time, and cleaning up your room are all part of your child's business.

It's not what he did that, but the effort he put into it, the process of overcoming himself.

Image source: TV series "Miracle"

When a child overcomes difficulties to accomplish one thing, in addition to saying that you are awesome, please ask more about how you did it.

Let the child conduct self-analysis, understand how he has improved, and the next time, when he encounters difficulties, he will not give up casually, which is very important for cultivating the child's tenacious character.

When the child succeeds, give him a hug, and when he fails, give him affirmation.

The meaning of failure is not to make us cry, but to get up and go from another road to success.

The attitude of parents determines whether children can overcome failure and turn their lives into long-distance running.

Casual praise is the poison of a child's growth, sweet and useless.

As a parent, you must feel the difficulties and struggles on the road of children's growth, not when you are good, I am sure you praise you;

But no matter how you are, I accept you to help you, which is the best compliment.