I believe that there are few old fathers and mothers who have not been rejected by the baby:
"It's not high here, can you try it?" - "I don't! ”
"You've done it all before, do you want to do it again?" - "I don't! ”
"You played the piano so well before, do you want to practice more?" - "I don't! ”
Every time the baby strongly rejected me, I would rivet enough to encourage the child to try again. At the same time, I will also wonder: I think such a fun thing, why is the baby unwilling to do it or dare not do it? Why didn't my encouragement work at all?
Today, Guo Ren Ma invited claire, the second sister of her old friend of the Children's School, to sum up some experiences with the two children in the family for more than 6 years. Let's talk today: when your child strongly refuses to do something, how to encourage your child to try more?
The four quadrants distinguish between things that children don't want to do
If you want to really encourage your child, you must first distinguish what kind of thing you want your child to do. Although things seem to be "things that the baby does not want to do", the tasks behind these "do not want" also need to be distinguished, because the way of coping is completely different.
Starting from the two dimensions of "like" and "necessary", we can divide the different tasks into four categories:
First, like and must, but do not want to do
The most direct representation of this type of task is: practicing the piano (or drawing, or it may be an interest class based on the child's own interests).
The parents of the piano children probably have a deep feeling about this, at the beginning it was obvious that you said that you liked it to let you learn, but as soon as you shouted to practice the piano, you would grind and rub and drag; this side shouted to pop up the master level, and there was no practice!
Maybe Eva also regrets it: you didn't say that playing good music should be practiced so hard!
In this case, we have to make it clear to the child at the beginning that if we want to achieve a result that we are satisfied with and like, it is necessary to pay. But if you can't go back, you can use the "split" way to help your children: if you are too tired to practice for an hour at a time, then change it to a small number of times; if you think the song is too difficult, then split the task one by one, break it one by one...
In short, with the strong internal motivation of "like" as the backing, it is still relatively easy to encourage.
Second, like but do not have to do
Sometimes, children show interest in a thing, but do not dare to try, at this time adults to help children to cover up the reasons why they dare not try.
For example, if the child is interested in a certain sport, but asks him to try it and he refuses, you can ask the child some detailed questions: Are you afraid that you can't do it? Or are you afraid that the process of practicing is too hard? Are you afraid of losing to someone else when you're in a game? Or is there too many people making him feel stressed?
You ask these questions, and even if the child doesn't say it, you will guess the reason from their expressions and actions. If you give your child point-to-point encouragement for a specific problem (I will give you a method later), or even give some demonstrations, but he is still unwilling to try, then my advice is: respect the child's choice, don't try, it is not a necessary thing to do anyway.
While trying it out may give children a completely different experience, it's always our adult perspective, isn't it? Maybe his interest is not enough to urge him to overcome his fear, so let's talk about it later. Don't force the child to try, but may encourage the child to lose this little interest.
Third, do not like but must do
Such questions are almost useless as pure encouragement, and are not in the category of "trying". But since everyone is very upset, let's talk about it.
Things like eating vegetables or writing homework are important for growth, but Keva is not interested or even a little annoying, and we can consider helping him find motivation through external incentives, competition, or cooperation. The specific operation method will be discussed in the practical part later.
Fourth, do not like and do not have to
This situation is actually the most common, and it is also something that we will encourage with great efforts.
Sometimes it's just adults who think: People this is very good, let me try it! Start crazy to "encourage" children, from showing benefits to explaining the harvest, drawing a pie for the boss, and encouraging children to try in all directions. But have you ever asked whether your baby is what you think you don't dare to do, or is it simply what you say you don't want to do?
My brother is a super introverted child, in the years of kindergarten, even in the face of a room of familiar good friends, he always had to hide in the corner alone and silently observe for half an hour to complete the psychological warm-up.
In order to alleviate his social anxiety, when I was 4 years old, I specially enrolled him in a parent-child music class, trying to use the power of music to weaken his social barriers, and the result was completely useless.
Every time he sang with him, he did not open his mouth, I tried my best to give him a "psychological massage", changed the pattern to encourage him, and as a result, several times he turned his head and sat next to me, directly quit the singing team...
Later, I learned that people don't like to sing at all, everything is just my wishful thinking...
This mistake I myself despised myself... Obviously, I care so much about my children's interests, and I am also planted on the matter of "encouragement".
The end result is definitely to give up directly!
In this case, in fact, the problem to be solved is ourselves. As long as parents let go of this inexplicable obsession, all troubles will disappear.
"Encourage" hands-on guides
After figuring out what the problem is, you can take a seat next. Before starting to implement the "Encouragement Dafa," there is a key link, that is, to understand your children. Don't be naïve enough to think that if you give birth to a baby, you must know him!
You have to really understand his interests and strengths, observe his personality traits and behavior habits, and most importantly, communicate with him, and listen to his true thoughts—yes, the point that I once overlooked.
Strategy 1: Replace simple encouragement with removing obstacles
For those things that children are already interested in (first and second categories) and only encounter a little obstacle in the process of implementation, our strategy is to help children eliminate the obstacles.
These obstacles may come from within: fear of annoyance, fear of tiredness, fear of injury, fear of many people; or they may stem from the external environment: the teacher's aura is too strong, and the place of activity is not eye-catching...
When the resistance comes from within, in addition to the previously mentioned method of "splitting tasks" led by parents, we can also teach children some specific methods that they can lead. Especially for young children, they may need a tutorial.
My brother is a Lego control, when he first came into contact with small particles of Lego, he especially liked it, but he didn't fight it himself. The reason is particularly simple: the baby is too small, the instruction manual, completely do not understand.
You said I told him at this time: just try it, it's a good fight. Even show him how to spell, how useful can it be?
So I taught him some tips for looking at drawings and finding parts. With the trick, he can face the instruction manual by himself, and at this time he starts to try wildly! I won't cry and cry for my mother's help - but who would ask for help with that skill!
The situation may be more complicated if the resistance comes from the external environment. Many times, changing the environment is not easy, but the good news is that we can choose the environment (to some extent).
When my brother first started kindergarten, although he said that he liked to go to kindergarten, he would cry every morning when he was sent to the classroom and refused to enter the house with the teacher. By chance, I found out that what he rejected was not kindergarten, but the teacher who stood at the door every day to greet him.
I could only explain to the teacher with a cheeky face, and the garden was very understanding to arrange for his closest teacher to pick him up at the door, and sure enough, the baby saw the familiar teacher, and immediately left her mother's head and did not go back.
Strategy 2: Let go and wait for the flowers to bloom
It is not something that must be done, and you can choose not to try.
Sometimes adults don't understand, such a fun (simple / other people are doing) thing, why don't you listen to me? Children don't understand, don't like is not like (can't do is not possible), why do I have to listen to you?
This confrontation has become a strange power struggle between adults and children, adults only want children to obey, children only want to resist, whether the matter itself is meaningful, but it becomes unimportant.
For parents, what is more difficult for us to overcome is not the resistance of the child, but the unwillingness of our own:
Why can other children but not my children?
Why can I do it when I was a kid but not my kids?
Why does the parenting book say yes, but my child can't?
When we drill the tip of the bull's horn, we often overlook one thing: children are always growing, and with the accumulation of ability and the change of the environment, their interests are also changing at any time.
The things that the child does not want to touch now may be because it seems to be beyond his control; the things that the child does not like now may one day fascinate him...
As parents, if we can make concessions first and wait for the flowers to bloom, we are more likely to harvest surprises in the future, even if the flowers do not bloom in the future, we can at least get the current calm.
Strategy 3: Enhance motivation
Finally, let's talk about what the baby doesn't like and what she has to do. Such a task, encouragement is useless, and the words of encouragement are too much, it is easy for the baby to feel that this is a thing that can choose to do or not to do, which is even more tricky. In the face of such a task, what we have to do is to give more power - from the inside out, multi-pronged.
For example, in terms of enhancing intrinsic motivation, we can give children a sense of accomplishment through appropriate praise and affirmation - even if the child never loves the matter itself, they will gain confidence and satisfaction because they have received positive feedback on the matter, and they will be willing to try it next time.
You can also let your child do it with your favorite friends and let them know that "I am not alone". At the same time, parents should not control too much, everywhere to let the child do it in accordance with the prescribed way, but should let the child give full play to their subjective initiative, in order to be more able to find the fun.
More often, of course, rules and regulations are unavoidable, leaving us with little room for development pleasure – in which case we may need a little "foreign aid".
When my brother first started learning to read, he was in pain. After trying a variety of Chinese textbooks and encountering strong resistance, I decided to read at different levels and let him learn new words in the process of reading stories.
However, although he likes to read books, he does not like to read words, although he likes to listen to stories, he does not like to read stories, because it is too tiring to remember so many new words... Helpless, I had to sacrifice the last magic weapon: to complete the daily literacy task to change to an episode of cartoons.
Under such external encouragement, the baby also quickly accumulated a few hundred words of literacy, and developed the habit of reading and reading at a fixed time every night. Most importantly, after a certain amount of accumulation, he found that he could understand a lot of content, and he was no longer illiterate with two eyes and one black eye! Tasting the sweetness, he no longer resisted the matter of literacy, not only no longer relying on cartoon rewards, but also took the initiative to pull me to teach him to recognize!
However, external incentives cannot be used all the time, and attention should be paid to exiting at the right time. What needs to be noted is that the external incentive uses more internal driving force to crush the baby. Use external incentives only when the child is not interested or in pain. In this process, be sure to remember to help your child develop good habits, or let your child gain a sense of accomplishment in the process of the task and internalize motivation!
Regarding the question of "how to stimulate the internal drive of children", the Fruit Shell Children's School has a special "internal drive column" to explain in detail! Pay attention to the public number of [Fruit Shell Children's Academy], and send the keyword [Internal Drive Force] after paying attention to it, you can get the specific method!
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In short, when encouraging the baby to do things that he does not want to do, or dare not try, it is most important to distinguish the importance of this thing. When you really make the difference between these, you will find that most things are not so urgent and necessary.
Relax and believe that your child has his own rhythm.
Editor 丨 Antelope, human cub observer