After giving birth to an autistic child, why did you decide to have another child?
It wasn't the first time Zhao Qi had been asked this question.
The question might trap someone else, but it wouldn't trap her. She's always been like this, thinking, just doing, and when she's in trouble, she's going to run over it.
18 years ago, when his eldest son was almost three years old and could not speak, Zhao Qi took him to the hospital and finally determined that it was a typical autism.
After consulting with her husband, Zhao Qi resigned from the teaching position of the Central University of Finance and Economics and began to intervene in autism with her children. Later, she took her son into an integrated education kindergarten, which became her lifelong career, and she also became the "Zhao mother" of more mentally handicapped children.
When he was almost 40 years old, Zhao Qi still wanted to have another child and made all the preparations, there was no reason, just "I think".
This is a healthy boy who is now in junior high school.
When the boy was in the second grade, he asked his mother, after you are gone, what will my brother do?
Mom told him that my brother was brought into this world by us, and it was my responsibility and my father's responsibility, not yours.
In this story, I don't mean to write a beautiful sample of an autistic two-child family—it doesn't stand up from the ground and exist independently. Relying on it, it has never been just a friendly family, but also needs more support, from the social system, from institutions, from more ordinary people.
Sometimes, I feel a strong sense of separation, and every year, propaganda reports call for care for people with mental disabilities, but every year, the news of the eviction of autistic children and families is not uncommon, and the evictors are righteous, "to protect the children".
In this story, you may also see what another aspect of an ordinary child's life is like when a mentally handicapped person appears in his life.
The following is Zhao Qi's dictation:
I asked myself if the boss had no problem,
Will it be the second eldest?
For the matter of "whether to have a second child", everyone may have a different background in life and different ideas.
My husband and I are born in the 70s, and we have a family like this, each family has two or three children. We ourselves came from such an environment with siblings, so it was nothing special to want another child.
In fact, I thought about this problem after I had just given birth to my eldest, but at that time, my husband and I were both in public office, and at that time, there was no policy, so I might say whether to give up public office for the sake of my children.
Later, in 2004, the eldest was found to be autistic, and after that, I had only a little hesitation about whether to have a second child - if I wanted the second child, there would be no problem. Because I have encountered several pairs of such cases around me.
My parents and my husband thought about it a little more than I did, but in this matter, I took the initiative to do more. Because I have confirmed that our economy is not a problem.
And, will the boss be particularly draining of energy? This does not exist in my place.
I brought my eldest to kindergarten in 2006, when the eldest began to intervene early, the effect was obvious, he was a very good child, plus the daily working environment saw children, I naturally wanted to have another one, wanted children to have a companion with each other.
But that never meant that I wanted this child to take care of my brother instead of us. I have also told other parents that if you have this plan, even if it is too unfair to this child, why did he bear such a heavy life when he was just born?
My mentality at that time was that as long as this child was a little better than the boss, I was full of confidence. Because I have begun to engage in special education, many children who are weaker than our boss have improved a lot after systematic professional training.
The boss is doing housework Source: Zhao Qi
If there were some worries at the beginning, in the process of conceiving this child, the worries were a little less.
The feeling is different.
This child appeared fetal movement very early, about three months, I can't help but think back to our boss, are six or seven months old, go to the hospital for examination, do not move, the doctor how to knock on the door he does not move, the doctor will let me stay there, said in the morning do not go, noon after eating afternoon examination, maybe you children only get up in the afternoon.
After another day of waiting, the child moved.
When I was pregnant with the eldest, I kept throwing up until I was about to give birth, but the second elder only threw up a lot in the first two or three months, and it was very good to eat everything later.
Therefore, there was no worry later, and the stone in my heart completely landed after the birth of the second eldest.
The second is premature, when feeding, his eyeballs will look at you, there will be communication, but the boss does not, always close his eyes to find milk, never interact with people.
Later, we look at the second child against the child development manual, such as what will be done in one month and what will be done in two months. The second brother did not speak very early, and it was only obviously jumping out of the words at the age of one year, two or three months, but in the middle, there was no problem with the interaction with people.
At that time, I thought back, it was true that he was born from the boss, and many of his performances that we saw had some problems, but at that time, we didn't know that it was a problem.
There are some things that the teacher can't do with intervention
For having a younger brother, the eldest does not understand, he only has language function at the age of five, and now he is 21 years old, and his ability to understand this part of logic and understanding may be similar to that of a three- or four-year-old child.
But we'll teach him something.
For example, after I became pregnant, my father would tell him that you can't pounce on your mother, who has a brother and a sister in her belly, and this child has a very good memory. Even after the second born, I think he has feelings for his brother, he will touch it gently, and he will never say cover his face or hit it.
Later, we also feel some surprises. For example, when we were holding our brother, the old assembly took the initiative to come up and want you to hold him. Because my brother was born prematurely, we paid attention to it and did some auxiliary training, such as shaking and shaking. At this time, the boss showed great desire, and we encouraged him to speak out.
It was really a pleasant surprise that he and his brother were seven years apart and had been interfering in training since they were more than two years old, but before that, because of the nature of autism, he was almost unable to express itself.
From that time on, I realized that many things cannot be done no matter how much training, and teachers cannot intervene. That's when he really realized from within himself, "I want Mom and Dad too."
The birth of the second oldest also has a good hint for our work. In our kindergarten, there are more than 200 children, and there may be 50 special children, interspersed in classes of different ages. Sometimes, when some children come, they may not even know how to use the plates, but he will observe how other children do it.
These all help to improve their skills.
We don't deprive the boss of his responsibilities as an older brother just because he's autistic. When our two children are very young, we consciously develop their ability to take care of themselves. Sometimes, when I do things on my hands, I will say to the boss, Shunshun, take something for your brother, or, here are two things, give your brother one.
In this process, he may just hear a command to send something away, and there will not be much change in thinking, but we are reinforcing this awareness. Up to now, he goes to the supermarket and buys two bottles of water, and he remembers what his brother loves to drink.
When the younger brother was born, he drooled, the brother is a more typical autism, can't stand the garbage or seven seven eighty-eight things, he will take the initiative to wipe the younger brother, at the beginning we also think, very good.
But later, when my brother grew up, we told him that you can't wipe it, your brother is not a child, of course, I'm afraid that if he goes out to see others, go up and wipe it for others, this is not good, right?
After my brother went to school, sometimes he was naughty, and my father and I would yell two sentences. My brother would come up and say, Mom don't say it, Dad don't say it, push us into the house.
It could be that he was sensitive to sound, and when we went to McDonald's before, he covered his ears and couldn't listen to the sound of music. On the other hand, he understood that it was a critical tone, so he meant, don't say brother.
Older brother and younger brother source: Zhao Qi
Recently, my brother is studying at home, I need to often look at the message sent by the teacher, my father left a mobile phone at home, because the screen is stretchable, my brother has not seen it, I feel fresh, but my brother is using it, he can't use it.
He waited for his brother to go to the toilet, quickly went in to help his brother collect the garbage, and when he took the garbage can out, he also took out the mobile phone. The aunt said that the younger brother had to use it in class, otherwise the teacher would have to train, and he would return it.
If it's something else, he's using this thing, and you say that about him, he's going to have emotions, but in this case, he's not emotional, he's very obedient to his brother.
Last year, my brother went to the hospital for the first time to extract his teeth, for him, the tooth extraction is impossible to cooperate, because there is a drill or something, it is very dangerous to move around, only general anesthesia.
We were very worried, and the first day, I told my brother, you talk to your brother. The younger brother said, Yang Wenshun, you have to have surgery tomorrow, you have to be obedient, you can't scream, you can't be in a hurry. Because the boss is not clear in expression, as soon as he loses his temper, he likes to bark, or he stomps his feet.
The younger brother said, if you do a good job, I will come back tomorrow and I will buy you a Coke. My brother liked Coke Sprite, but we rarely let him buy it.
The next day, sure enough, his brother came back from school and brought him a bottle of Coke.
Why would he be so willing to listen to his brother? We are not him, we cannot understand his world. Maybe it's a blood relationship, and it's deeply ingrained in the depths of autistic people.
It may also be that we get along day and night, and time together is very important.
From a very young age, my brother got tired with him, the two people got into trouble, what my brother did, what he did, my brother liked to jump, my brother jumped, and our mattresses were changed a lot.
For an average child,
What inclusive education means
My brother also attended our own Fusion Kindergarten.
When I was three or four years old, I remember he would come back and tell me, Mom, there is a little friend in our class, is it a child like my brother.
He didn't know what autism was at the time, but he would observe.
So after so many years of integrated education, we did a project, "What is the impact of integrated education on ordinary children?"
We feel that everyone is born equal and hopes that in a system of integrated education, every child can benefit. So we followed the children who graduated from our kindergarten to elementary and secondary schools.
Many of them, working as cadres in schools, studied very well, and some were even admitted to the Central Conservatory of Music. When they think back, they will remember, "When I was a child, there were some special children around me, which was very good, and we didn't think there was anything different."
In inclusive education, it is to let ordinary children understand the diversity of life, and their empathy and understanding of the world will be richer.
Just as there are different kinds of fruits in the world, they will also understand that there will be different types of people in the world, some with poor vision and some with poor hearing. They never felt that there should be no such people in my world, but that this is how the world should be.
My brother went to junior high school and went to a new school and came back to tell me what kind of children we might have at school. I said, then you see that you need help more. He said, that's still what you say.
In his life, he felt that this was a very ordinary thing, and he would not carry much of a mission just because he said, I have an autistic brother. He was relaxed and at ease.
The source of the handmade picture made by the boss: Zhao Qi
It also has to do with his surroundings and society.
The environment in which my two sons grew up, in our community, no one ever looked at my brother differently, the uncle of the communication room, the security guard, and I cared for my brother.
Including our requirements for the second eldest, there is nothing special. For me and dad, having a healthy child is the best gift. His father said that in the future, we hope that our brother will be an upright person, a law-abiding person, and be able to support himself.
The second brother himself is also a very independent person, you see, we treat our brother and ask for life to take care of themselves. Since the younger brother started in kindergarten, he didn't need others to help bathe, he cleaned up his own room, from the second grade, if he and his brother were at home and his aunt rested, he and his brother took turns cooking.
Sometimes, we proposed to go out to eat, my brother said no, I did, took 200 pieces to buy things back, made a table dish, fried and fried.
My brother asked us in the second grade, what will my brother do after you are gone?
We said, you see, my brother can do a lot of things independently in life, he can also travel independently, he is still growing, we will also arrange the future of my brother in the future, you can see your brother regularly.
For his brother, he will grow up, he has his own social circle, and his life is not tied to his brother.
After he went to elementary school, every time we asked him, my brother has an autistic child activity over there, do you want to participate?
Sometimes he said, I'm not going. Then why don't you take him?
When we talk about respect, it is a kind of subtle, and every living individual must respect it.
We have also seen that in some families, brothers and sisters will stay away from the obstacles, some people may later realize that they will regret it, and some have always carried a kind of hatred, and I think parents have an unshirkable responsibility in it.
Expecting one child to take on the life of another is too much of a pressure. Now, each of us has an easy life on our own, right?
Recently, we wanted to set up a hand-footed heart-warming group to let the brothers and sisters of these mentally handicapped people come together to communicate and provide them with support and guidance earlier.
What will my brother do in the future?
My brother is 20 years old and currently has the ability to take care of himself. For example, my aunt recently rested, and during the more than half a month of vacation, he washed his father and brother's socks, swept the floor, and so on.
Take the most recent incident, these two days, he was very attentive, I just sat on the couch when I came home, he went to make me a cup of coffee.
You see, you say it's not very good. But do you know the real purpose behind it?
I know. Because I liked coffee, I said to him in passing, went to the supermarket to buy me a box, he began to buy me a small box, five or six bags in it, and then observed, when I was almost finished drinking, needless to say, he went to buy it himself.
Last week he went to the supermarket and there were no small boxes of coffee, only large boxes, and he could only buy this one.
But he was in a hurry, and he enjoyed going to the supermarket to buy something, so he kept waiting for when the big box would run out. So you find out that he makes me several cups a day, and that's it.
So, you see, he also has his own mind, and he is also observing. For me, I'm happy because he took one thing to heart.
The boss likes to go to the supermarket to shop Source: Zhao Qi
His physical and mental development is the same as that of ordinary children, who also experience infancy, childhood, adolescence and youth, but autism limits him, and he is obviously very weak in social skills.
We will start to train his language skills, but through these 18 years of training, he may not be as good as liso, a one-year-old child, but what is the effect?
He said he didn't understand and could type it out.
Because the boss has the advantage in vision. He can't speak, but he can read, and at a very young age, he can connect pictures and glyphs of bananas. Later, we asked some teachers to teach him sign language, and he played well with his hands.
In short, we have many other means to replace, rather than tangling with a measure.
Now the boss is one meter nine eight, weighs more than two hundred pounds, he is the height of an adult, but his intelligence may only be three or four years old children's level. But when we go out, we have to follow the requirements of an adult, if we still touch and touch like a child, touch and look for tactile stimuli, this is not OK, it violates social rules.
Last year, my brother graduated from vocational high school and went to the vocational health station of Anhua School. Go at eight o'clock every morning and come back at three o'clock in the afternoon. There are many social practice courses in the school. For example, cleaning the teaching building, arranging the environment, helping the kitchen in the kitchen, watering the green plants, and feeding the rabbits. He loves it and is very willing to go to school.
In the future, he stands out from occupational health, and I hope that he will develop some hobbies and hobbies, or go to social practices such as nursing homes, kindergartens, and schools.
I rented him a house in our community, turned it into a library, and opened it to the public for free. He would open the door and clean up during the holidays. He loves supermarkets and we can open one later, and I think he can take care of it.
Public welfare library opened in the community Source: Zhao Qi
Because we asked a third-party professional to make a professional assessment for my brother, his specialty is in the home life, community, so in the future, we can also let him do home economics.
What is the most important problem faced by many older people with mental disabilities, including their brothers? This group of people, who are between the ages of 20 and 50, have nowhere to go.
You see, the occupational health station can only stay for a period of time, the street has a warm home, but it is also an activity today, tomorrow the leaders come to visit, call you to come, but not sustainable, so that children have a longer-term development.
We now expect to promote 12 years of compulsory education in special education, covering vocational high schools. Because of the early intervention of this part, the state has introduced too many support policies, and there is no need to repeat it.
But after the children graduate from junior high school, ordinary children can still read, and we children have no land. Early rehabilitation interventions, which cost so much energy, go backwards as soon as our children get home.
I had seen a painting exhibition before, and I met a child who was very good at painting, but his mother said that there was no way now, I could only stay at home.
So we hope to be able to train these mentally handicapped people to have some ability to leave school when they are sixteen or seventeen years old, and by the time they are fifty, they can create the greatest value in their lives.
I have organized some elderly people with mental disorders to volunteer and participate in some teaching and auxiliary work, and they have done a good job and are very stable. Now some of the big supermarkets also have our elderly autistic children, and they are also very well groomed.
Now the government has welfare homes, this is a bottom project, when the parents are gone, the welfare homes take over, at least to solve the problem of food and clothing for these children. But what we want is a better quality of life.
Once, I took my son to Taiwan, where the mentally handicapped children did not stay at home, they had a lot of small workshops, welfare factories.
Boss in Taiwan welfare factory source: Zhao Qi
My son followed them around, labeling soaps. He likes to do it, and he does it very well. The person who taught him how to do it was a cerebral palsy, the other person's thinking was normal, but the limbs could not move, and the two people cooperated well.
Therefore, for our generation of parents, what we are doing is to effectively integrate these resources, not to add too much burden to others, and to make our children's lives more valuable.