Why is it that the more you like each other, the more you have to blame each other?

In my consulting career of more than ten years, people often ask this question, why is it that the more you like each other, the more you have to blame each other? But this is actually a false proposition. There is no direct relationship between "harshness" and "like". The other party harshly rebukes you because he hopes that you will change and become the ideal in his mind.

You may ask, if I did, would he like me more? The answer is: not necessarily. Because different types of people blame their partners for different reasons. But one thing is certain, the purpose of these harsh accusations is not to make you better, but to make himself feel more comfortable in this close relationship.

Hearing this, you may be a little frustrated. But it doesn't matter. Because today, what I want to teach you is precisely how to adjust and transform the other party's "harsh responsibility" for you into a deeper "like".

Before that, let's take a look at the psychological reasons for the emergence of "harshness":

In fact, constantly harshly criticize your partner, hoping that they will make changes. From a psychological point of view, it is he who is pursuing an ideal partner, gradually becoming in line with his own mind, the perfect look, to meet his own needs.

So how did this ideal partner model in his mind come about?

In the first 18 months of life, babies think they are one with the world.

As they grow older, they will be able to distinguish between me and the world outside of me.

In the process, we all go through an imperfect process of nurturing, such as when I was hungry, my mother didn't feed me in time, she didn't come to hold me, so I experienced rejection.

But when I was young, I would automatically filter out this unpleasant experience and build an ideal mother in my heart, which can also be said to be an ideal object. The object refers to someone other than me, and the first object of the baby is the mother, who is also the most important nurturer.

The existence of this ideal object is, to a certain extent, useful to help us accomplish things that we cannot do on our own.

For example, the reason why fans like and worship idols is because idols do things that fans can't do, such as showing their skills on stage, such as some qualities in idols. Some people will feel that this is an upward motivation and will try to align themselves with their idols.

But sometimes, this over-idealized object will also detach itself from reality and become a fantasy, which cannot be realized in a specific person at all, and become unrealistic.

In the same example, fans will worship an idol. Spend money and energy to vote for him, consciously and voluntarily maintain his personal image. If someone destroys this kind of persona, they will be very angry. Sometimes even the idol himself has done things that break his own personal design, such as announcing that he is in love, getting married, and the fans will be very angry, and even turn black.

At this time, what they like is not the idol itself, but what they like is the perfect appearance that they think is imagined.

I've told you from a relationship psychology perspective where that perfect look comes from, what kind of "idealization" is acceptable, and what degree of idealization becomes a fantasy. Next, I will teach you how to adjust your relationship and turn the "harshness" from the 4 animal types into his "like" for you:

Let's look at the ostrich type, ostrich type people need psychological advantages when interacting with people, so they will constantly say that the other party is "stupid" and "wrong" in intimate relationships. This is the way to gain a relative psychological advantage.

So, no matter how much you make and how much progress you make, ostrich-type people will still say that you haven't worked hard enough to have that sense of superiority, and your approach is still stupid. Such behavior, from the eyes of the other party, there is no doubt that it has become a harsh rebuke.

Well, in the face of harsh accusations from ostrich partners, all we can do is accept them very modestly and pretend to be trying to change, so that he will be satisfied. For example, my assistant's former boss is a typical ostrich, and no matter how hard the assistant tries to revise the plan, the ostrich boss will say, you write stupidly, and then write it again. Later, after she rewrote it 5 times, by the time of the 6th time, the assistant really couldn't think of anything to improve, so she had to send the first time. As a result, the boss said, well, this looks much better, you have to work harder in the future.

So, as can be seen from this case, ostrich-type people don't really need the other person to change. All he needs is to point out your shortcomings and make himself feel more comfortable.

As another example, during World War II, every time Stalin held a military conference, he had to scold all the generals and deny all their opinions. Everyone was scared, felt overwhelmed, and did not dare to speak. Only Marshal Zhukov, at every meeting, takes the lead in giving a correct insight into the problem. After that, he began to talk nonsense and talk about many unreliable things, at which point Stalin would stand up and criticize Zhukov's unreliable opinions to no end. Finally, Zhukov said his improved solution. And this solution is often the same opinion that Zhukov said at the beginning.

Zhukov went one step further than my assistant, and he offered an ostrich-type person a chance to gain a psychological advantage. Ostensibly, it was he himself who had been harshly reprimanded by the ostrich. In fact, in the process, ostriches will be happy and will be very fond of the person who gives him the opportunity to be harsh on himself. In the long run, it will even become a dependence and become inseparable from this person. This method can also be used in intimate relationships to establish a strong intimate relationship with your ostrich mate.

If we look at kangaroo-type people, their harsh characteristics are also very obvious. Will always be nagging at you about his contribution to the relationship. As for what you do, he will deny their value, causing you to feel frustrated and fearful of the outside world, so that you can accept their care with peace of mind. So you'll find that, as in the case of the ostrich, he accuses you of not doing a good job enough, just trying to thwart you and make you afraid to do it yourself. So even if you do what he says, he'll still be "harsh" on you.

So, if you have a kangaroo-type partner, you have to see the part of the relationship between the two sides that they can't do with each other, and acknowledge the existence of this part. If you enjoy the care of the kangaroo, you can appropriately share the affairs between you with this kangaroo partner. For example, at the airport, your kangaroo girlfriend wants to help you get your boarding pass, and if you want to pick up your luggage, you let her do it, let her pick it up. Don't argue with her about masculine and feminine values. She may be more harsh on her mouth to scold you, "You see, you can't even manage my luggage when you leave me", of course, provided that you can bear the "harsh blame" from the kangaroo, which is actually a nagging. If you feel that this kind of harshness is a burden, then you can try to communicate with them in peace, the responsibility and division of labor for something, and work together to complete a thing.

Therefore, in the face of the harsh rebuke of kangaroo-type people, there are two very important points:

One is not to argue with your kangaroo partner, "I can do these things myself," or "You're not as good as me." Originally, he harshly rebuked you in the hope that you would feel frustrated, but as a result, you worked so hard and did better than before. This will make the kangaroo partner fall deeper into the uneasiness, wondering in his heart, will he slowly grow up to the point where he doesn't need me to take care of him. As a result, he has become more and more harsh on you and frustrated you. In short, what he can do between you, you don't rush to do; what he can't do, you just do it silently.

The second is to carefully observe the little things you do, pay attention to his contribution to the relationship, and express his gratitude in time, give praise and affirmation to the details of your observations, emphasize that you see every effort, and hope to be taken care of by him for a long time. For example, you can tell him that this sweet and sour pork ribs you made today seem to be more delicious than yesterday! He might tell you, yeah, I got up early this morning and went to the market to buy fresher ingredients. He will be happy because he sees that under his care, your quality of life is improving, and you need to be taken care of by him.

If you can do the above two, then, maybe you are not the ideal partner that the kangaroo type expects, but you are also adjusting your relationship model to make your relationship more harmonious and harmonious.

Compared with the above two animal types of lovers, snail type and spotted dove type, they all hope that you really make changes and constantly get closer to their ideal appearance.

In this regard, the dove type of person is very simple, he asks you to change, is to get more benefits from you, if you can not provide more benefits, then his most severe rebuke, is to turn away from you. Go find someone else who is more in line with his partner's expectations and can give him greater benefits. Spotted doves are like this, and the interests are more important. Then many people will ask, teacher, is there no way to get along with the dove? No. If you really want to develop with the dove, in fact, the first thing is to develop yourself, because only by developing yourself, you have more resources, and you will have a long-term attraction to the dove type.

We finally talk about snail-type people, unlike the spotted dove, snails want you to make changes in order to make them more comfortable on their own. Even if you don't change for a while, he won't leave you. But, he will use his own way, take longer, slowly, to turn you into the way he wants you to be.

Snail-type people mostly have parents with strong control. So they developed a mode of control and dependence. For example, snail-type people will want to make the other party say to themselves, "I am fully responsible for you", "I raise you". The person who seems to do this is likely to be an ostrich, or a kangaroo. But most likely it won't be another snail. So if one snail scolds another snail like this, expecting him to become the ideal partner, it will become a wish that cannot be fulfilled.

The purpose of snail harshly criticizing the partner is to hope that the other party can fully burden themselves and make themselves more comfortable to rely on. Therefore, every time you take on more responsibility, it will make the snail happier. Sometimes it's even just an in-depth communication with the snail once a week in advance, telling the snail what you have done at work this week and who you want to meet with. Your snail companion will feel greatly satisfied, which is enough for the snail.

This article is reproduced from the public account: Zhihao Psychology, which has been authorized.

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