There are parents who write to me privately, asking for help for their children being bullied at school, children are now very cowardly, not only dare not tell parents and teachers, but are forced to smile at bad children every day. He has educated his children, let the children face them bravely, and then be bullied by his mother to help him out, but he just does not dare.
I have to say that this mother is really very helpless, and the words in the private message can be described as extremely sad.
This situation is still relatively common, and I once encountered the same thing in a consultation, when the parent next to me said with a disdainful face, "Let your child fight back!" "I am very helpless, and the words of passers-by parents are actually very unconsidered.
Because, the original child was bullied and was wronged, if you force the child to fight a battle that has no chance of winning, if you are beaten again, it is even worse, how can you solve the problem?
In fact, in the face of such problems, parents should first establish "children should be educated to have blood, but do not educate children to fight back", to enhance children's courage and self-confidence and eventually become a bloody person. Most of the children who use irresponsible "fight back" only cope with the answer, but they still dare not face the problem squarely and solve the unhappy knot.
As the saying goes, "born in a bitter water, how to know the pool of water is bitter", if you do not find and guide the child's psychology in time, if the child slowly accepts this undeserved bullying. Then the child will slowly break down socializing, and begin to doubt himself, doubt life, and have a sense of disgust for everything and eventually sink here.
Forcing the child to face the problem, the parent is in a bystander position, the child cannot feel the warmth of the parents, then all that remains is the cold feeling of helplessness. Instead of forcing children to face fear, it is better to stand up and cultivate children to have the right blood.
1. "Family" provides unconditional support and listening for children
Parents should first take the brunt of fighting for the legitimate interests of their children is the most important thing to do, help children to win each other's apologies, and ask the other party to promise not to bully people again, which is the most able to feel the parents' warmth. Before this, there is also a thing that when you find a child different, you must have the patience to listen to the child's grievances.
In the process, do not accept the explanation of the other parent, and do not decide to calm down because of the other party's compensation, for the bully, only by apologizing and making a commitment can the other party give the other party a warning of his own wrong behavior. Don't be embarrassed to accept the other party's apology, only by clearly recognizing that you are a victim can you clearly recognize that you have been wronged, and you can really raise your head when you encounter the same thing in the future.
In addition, there are many kinds of grievances, such as: can not grab the favorite toys, criticized by the teacher may even be just because the noon did not eat enough school to finish the meal, this time should be given comfort and give the child a clear reason, you can promise to make up for the child with rewards.
But the grievances that appear in the pure bullying of interpersonal social interactions require the other party to formally apologize. Say "fight back next time" to the child to push the problem to the next time, then the endless next time will definitely become more and more frequent. Not letting it happen next time is the real solution!
This time the problem is not over, why wait until the next time? Therefore, asking the bully to truly apologize, get an apology and forgive the other party, is the basis of the right psychological construction. Being bullied and not running away, not recklessly reaching out and hitting back, but choosing to solve the problem in the right way, the so-called bloodiness is slowly cultivated.
2. "Resources" help children learn to organize and use resources
When I went to school, everyone envied that children with an older brother covered, or their own parents who were policemen, were particularly confident, and they were almost never bullied. This is that the child finds the right resources to protect himself early, and naturally treats everything with no fear.
However, not all children have brothers, sisters or resources available as police officers, so we might as well look back at the phrase "fight back next time", which is actually a kind of parental emphasis on the children's existing resources. Looking at this sentence aside, it can be understood as "you also have a fist, your fist is also very powerful, you are not worse than him, you can fight back".
But this kind of hidden meaning is generally incomprehensible to children, so parents need to be patient to help children sort out the available resources in addition to fists. For example, tell your child that you can find a teacher at school, you can find your parents when you go home, you can shout for help outside, etc., don't disdain these methods, but know how to use the resources around you to protect yourself.
Because, in addition to having the right values, a bloody person should understand that when there is a gap in strength, it is also a very important thing to dare to tell his own experience.
3. "Reason" uses the right language to help children resist
Now many children have a very "face" personality, and when they encounter bullying and cowardice, they dare not fight back, and they dare not squeak, or they are scared away, or they stand still in a stupid way, and even teachers and parents choose to be silent when they ask. Help such children build confidence and master some clever routines and words to really help children solve problems.
Borrowing the method of Chi Yukai psychology teacher of South China Normal University, grasping the other party's mistake and firmly yelling at the other party' method. That is, "You say that the other party is what you are" and shouting out the other party's mistake "Why do you bully people!" "The entanglement between children is actually very simple, and this kind of words that sound very reasonable are cursed, so they are very useful."
4. "Tips" in case of instructions after doing it
Although we have not advocated hands-on, it is difficult to predict that if the world really starts to move, then there is nothing to say about the positive response. In order to deal with the problems that may be encountered, A few suggestions are made.
First, give your child enough physical exercise. Most of the bullied children show thin external characteristics, and making children strong is some of the emergencies
advantageous
。
Second, children must be able to integrate into the group. Most of the bullied children show isolated characteristics, on the contrary, if the child can make a lot of friends, then naturally there will be less bullying.
Third, failure is not terrible to stand up before it matters. It is inevitable that you will suffer losses, as long as you do not occur frequently and do not give in to bullying, you can deal with it with confidence, because this is also a kind of growth.
[Finally, share a true story]
When I was in junior high school, I was just separated from a few friends on the way home, so I went to the roadside public toilet to get up, and I didn't want to just squat down and see the senior just getting up. I was unfamiliar with the bastard but knew that it was a child from the same school as me, and the bastard pulled his face toward me, and I instinctively pinched my pocket. There was the 15 yuan snack money I had saved up hard, and I was thinking about what I wanted to buy on the weekend to eat and drink.
Obviously the bastard saw my cramps, stretched out his slap and whispered to me, "Take it out, or a slap will slap you in the pit!" "When I was timid, I had to grit my teeth and give the money in my pocket to the bastard.
When I got home, I told my father with tears in my eyes, and my father first said that he had not been beaten, and then he interrogated me about what the bastard looked like, how tall, and what characteristics did he have? This remark made the original aggrieved heart particularly moved, thinking that the money must be returned to the original owner, full of "My father will definitely be able to help me cure him!" "Since then I have remembered that being bullied is not terrible, it is to remember that the other party wants revenge!"
The days passed quickly, a week or two passed, my father did not help me find the bastard, and my 15 yuan naturally had no news. Until I remembered it again and told my mother.
My mother directly twisted her eyebrows into a tic-tac-toe and asked me, "What did you do at that time?" ”
I instantly provoked a weak reply: "Lacang"
My mother suddenly stared at the ball and said sharply, "Then you call him with the rice ball!" ”