tell:
Sister Tao, I got married around the National Day this year, before marriage, my husband cared for me meticulously when he was in love, and even took me to see a doctor during the years when I was sick, I was once very touched and decided to marry him.
The two of us got married this year, and during the marriage, there was a contradiction because of the huge gap between the customs and bride price of the two places, and there was only 10,000 dowries on his side, 168,000 on my side, and finally 100,000.
But then I found out that this bride price was a pit that his parents cut for me, just a 100,000 deposit slip of his father's name mortgaged to me, after marriage I found that although my husband is more careful, but everything likes to be calculated, especially the bride price, and my mother also gave this deposit slip to us when he got married, but he resented not giving it to his parents but giving it to us.
I do my best to do what a wife should do, try to do a good job every day, such as food, work, and study, and I want to run this small family well.
But two months ago we had a conflict and he demanded that I return the bride price certificate to his parents or divorce me.
He was four years older than me, and both parents were people's teachers. And sometimes some of his words may be angry but really hurtful, he said that he did not want to have children with me in his life, he felt that I brought him too much burden, I was only 23 years old, just graduated from college and married him.
We had a good relationship when we were in love, and he later got more and more excessive, saying that I spent money indiscriminately or something. In fact, I am really a relatively frugal person, and I still earn my own money to support myself and my family.
He even slapped me because I stepped on the threshold of what car, and then his parents came, I said that I wanted to change this bride price list to my name, their whole family did not agree, at that time they all advised me to go home, a few days ago the unit holiday I took things back to my mother's house, I wanted to divorce, but I was afraid of losing this person.
I feel like I've been with him for a long time, he's subtly puncturing me, saying that I'm ugly, no one likes this kind of demeaning remarks, and I'm really curious about how someone who had hoped to have me for the next life can now be so ruthless and unrighteous.
His personality is a person who does not like to talk, but at that time he had nothing to say to me, he was a pure master of engineering, but he used to be gentle with me, and now I am so heartbroken.
I am also equivalent to a distant marriage. I know the price of divorce now, and I'm most likely going to have to get out of the house, but I don't want my life to end like this.
Sister Tao, I hope you can help me in a busy time, I complain that I was sick at the time, I only think he took me to see the illness for a thousand good, but jumped into such a fire pit.
His sister had insulted me in this conflict between us, but he felt that his sister had done the right thing. I am Po, Sister Tao, I once wanted to maintain our husband and wife relationship, and tried to do a lot, but he is a person who insists that no matter how I do, if this dowry list is not given to his parents, he will not be able to live well with me. His family all felt that when he was in love, he loved me without hesitation, and I admit that I also had some problems, but I would try my best to correct them, but he refused to accept his problems, and watching a movie could feel that it was all the problem of the heroine.
Many people advised me that I was still young, but his current conditions were better than mine, before marriage, his parents bought a house in our local provincial city, his parents and he were all in the system, I have been working hard to prepare for the exam, want to enter the system, I want to always try to run a good life, but he is not satisfied, always feel that I spend money indiscriminately, saying that the price of marrying me is too high, and I want his parents' lives.
He was so cold now that I felt like my tears were going to dry up, but he ignored it and thought it was all my fault.
Although the people around me have given me a lot of opinions, I still believe in you.
Seeing that the Year is over, I may have to stay at my mother's house for the New Year, and I feel sad to think about it...
He was sure in his mind that there should be no such thing as a bride price, or that it should only be based on their local 10,000.
Our small place is also cloudy, the two have just married, their family side is also the wedding is almost well known, after the marriage we live in other cities, parents on both sides do not interfere with us much, he has always felt that the cost of marrying me is too high. He calculated that the things I bought for fifty cents were spent indiscriminately, and the mineral water was not allowed to drink.
I know that I should be strong now, continue to study hard, make myself strong, when I got married, everyone thought that my fate was good, but I didn't know that the gifts of fate were secretly marked with a price...
Sister Tao's words:
It's almost the New Year, and seeing such a confession, my heart is really blocked.
Although I don't have big data, in all the consultations I have received and the cases I have seen, the partners who are deadlocked at the brimstone mark are mostly not doing well after marriage.
Because to eliminate mustard and fill the gaps, it requires the common sincerity of both sides and a lot of wisdom. This is a very difficult thing for most people.
The bride price is something that has no hard and fast rules and requires consultation and mutual acceptance by both parties. But it is precisely such a thing that can best reveal the true values of a family.
Your family wants 16.8, his family comes up with 1, and finally both sides give in, and the compromise is achieved with 10.
But the strange thing is that this 100,000-piece bride price is not even a white strip.
A certificate of deposit with your father-in-law's name written on it and placed it on your behalf as collateral. What's the mortgage? Do you think this is a policy loan or a private loan?
This certificate of deposit has nothing to do with you, and you can't withdraw a penny. Your family will not be unaware of this common sense.
But in the end, it is equivalent to a point of compromise, is it considering that you have reached this step, you want to marry, you don't want to make a big deal out of it? Or does your family just want a formal attitude, just to mean it?
In any case, unfortunately, you obviously did not get a bride price, and the beams with your husband and in-laws were tied at this time.
Your husband changed his face after marriage, sentenced two people, cold and indifferent to you, and hated you to the bone.
Because you touched his parents' hard-earned money.
I originally thought that I could get married for ten thousand dollars, but now I have to take out one hundred thousand.
Originally, I thought of using this deposit slip to go through the motions, and when you got married, your parents returned it to his family, but now your mother has handed it over to you.
In his eyes, how could this be?
You don't understand why he is like this, obviously before marriage, he took care of you in every way, and when you were sick, he asked for warmth.
But in fact, although he was born in a family of knowledge, he was raised according to the cultivation method of the phoenix man, and the narrowness in his bones was deeply rooted, just a "city phoenix man".
All the words, ideas, and practices that he presented were the result of his family system upbringing.
His hatred for you is also the hatred of his whole family for you. Because they all feel that it is a loss to marry you.
But why marry? When your family asked for a bride price, he didn't accept that he could choose not to tie the knot.
But he didn't. Because the previous care of you, taking you to the doctor, booing cold and warm, are all costs to pay. If it is not concluded, then these will become the sunk costs that cannot be recovered, and they are not willing.
He married this marriage with the mentality of "suffering a big loss", and his heart was difficult to express, depressed and difficult to understand, and he naturally wanted to take revenge after marriage.
Blood debt blood repayment, money debt money repayment.
He is cold, calculating, harsh, and mean to you.
5 cents are suspected of your careless expenses, and 2 yuan of mineral water is not allowed to drink. He used every means to release the resentment in his heart.
Can you see the "Phoenix Man" of other people' Gerry?
Even if you don't have the ownership and withdrawal rights of this 100,000-piece dowry deposit certificate, he still feels that he has lost.
In his perception, you should not ask for a bride price at all, and you should not let his parents take this certificate of deposit. But you want it, you take it, and the moment you do it, you are nailed to the pillar of shame.
He decided that it was all because of you that he betrayed his parents, hurt his family of origin, and forced them to come up with their hard-earned money.
He originally had a kind of "virgin" expectation of you. You should not be contaminated with material desires, you should not make demands, you should have no desires and no demands, even in the face of the bride price of the hometown custom 16.8, you should also stand up, the posture is high, out of the mud and not stained, not pennant.
And you didn't. Not only did you ask for it, but you also proposed to change the certificate of deposit to your own name. He instantly felt greatly hurt and insulted—"You even have a face to say?" You deserve it too! ”
His hatred eventually evolved into hot violence + cold storm + PUA.
- Stepping on the threshold of the car, he will give you a slap when he changes hands;
- You weep dry tears and he looks at the air as if he does not care;
- Brainwash you, say you're bad, say you're bad, thrown on the road and no one wants it.
You can't consume, you can't enjoy, you've been a slave for the rest of your life, you've been a slave to your bones, and you can't get rid of the anger in his heart.
When a giant baby cannot take responsibility for his own choices or balance his inner conflicts, torturing the closest and weakest people around him becomes their first choice.
The worse he is to you, the more he can show his loyalty to his original family.
The harsher he is to you, the less guilt he has in his heart for his parents.
I have written before that the cultivation of the phoenix man/phoenix woman is not a problem of the TA individual, but the product of the whole family and family behind the TA.
In fact, he didn't even realize that he was just a gun for the whole family, firing at you for everyone.
Every bit of indifference and abuse he has for you is the hope and support of the family behind him.
Otherwise, who do you think it was whose idea was it to mortgage the certificate of deposit in his dad's name?
Otherwise, why do you think his sister dared to insult you?
Otherwise, why do you think that after your husband and wife have a conflict, why will their whole family unanimously persuade you to return to your mother's house?
Because they agree on you – you were never a family member, just an intruder and had "blackmailed" them in the name of a bride price.
They share the same hatred and want only two results -
Or you'll walk away and you'll be out.
Or you bow down and be a cow and a horse from now on.
Let's talk about you.
I don't know what kind of illness you had, but his care moved you to the point of being willing.
In illness, emotions are particularly fragile, which is the common sentiment of people. He walked into your heart in this way and grabbed your Yuan God.
But to say pure emotion? I don't think so.
You are more interested in his conditions.
Civil servants, houses, parents are in the system.
When you are a potential stock, you have a vision for him: what if he has a good career in the future? Maybe in the future, you can help their family?
You are caught up in such entanglements, and you cannot see the real answer in your heart.
At the end of the day, you're as weak as he is.
At the beginning, his family was dissatisfied with the bride price, and if you didn't talk about it, you were only 23 years old, what was the hurry?
If you believe in the bride price and firmly stand on the side of customs, then insist that 100,000 will not relax, and there will be no rabbits and no eagles.
I don't understand what made you end up half pushing and half finishing like this. Are you afraid that there is no shop in this village? Or are you afraid of repeatedly grabbing the sell-off of the disease?
Your description of yourself is "I admit I have some problems too, but I will try to correct them".
When people talk about themselves, it is instinctive to avoid the heavy and light.
But your own problems, I think, should be more than just an understatement.
I don't want to speculate, but at least one thing is lucky: you realize that you are being PUA, and you realize that you don't want to be so sloppy for the rest of your life.
This motivation is your treasure.
What you have to do now is not to meditate around the man. It's about really calming down, seeing yourself clearly, and thinking about what kind of life you want to live.
23 years old, what a beautiful age, don't be bound by marriage early and become a prisoner bird.
This Spring Festival, there is nothing wrong with spending at my mother's house.
If you are afraid of being talked about in your hometown, then go out on a tour, find a place without epidemic for a few days, and see the scenery. Most importantly, take a good moment to think about what you really want.
A man's house, a bride price from your in-laws' house, is never your guarantee.
What truly protects you from stability and well-being is your sobriety, wisdom and strength.
Finally I want to say it again: girls, it's really not suitable to enter marriage too early. Because I have seen too little of the world, because I don't think enough about life. The more important thing for girls at this stage is not to have children for life, but to improve their minds and add value to themselves.
When you complete this step first, the probability of dog blood in your life will be reduced by more than half.
When someone takes a certificate of deposit with someone else's name written on it and asks you to "mortgage", you draw a marriage certificate for him.
Anyway, it's all false, tell him:
"I'm mouth-on, the next time you draw a pie, remember to sprinkle me with some sesame seeds."