Hello, I am Zhu Shujian, in this issue we explore whether children's emotionalization is related to improper education of mothers.
Little S's mother always wonders, in addition to his autistic characteristics, is it related to his mother's improper education?
I remember that when Little S was in the lower grades of elementary school, adults talked as if he couldn't hear them, so his mother always spoke to him in a guiding language and command-like tone. After his mother finished speaking, his movements were always half a beat slower. He also spoke, talked to himself, and didn't know what he was talking about. So mom rarely listened to him.
I remember once, my mother was in a hurry to go out, and may have misunderstood Little S. At that time, Little S said, Mom, you listen to my explanation, Mom can't listen to it at all, started to reprimand the child, and then left. There may be many similar things, and my mother feels that Xiao S can't understand the words and can't understand them, so his heart voice mother can't hear at all. Later, the child may not explain anything, but will only make trouble. Any thoughts and demands are not expressed normally, and can only be presented in the form of anxiety. Maybe he felt that expression was useless, and his mother would not listen, and only if he cried, his mother would ignore him.
Mothers reprimand their children and do not communicate with them
Mom still remembers when Little S was in elementary school, at the sports meeting, he and his classmates cooperated in a sports project, 1 when he was running, it may be that his classmates touched him, and he cried. At this time, Ban Ren found his mother, and after his mother passed, Xiao S made a more serious fuss, crying and beating his mother, and all his anger was vented on his mother. At that time, all the teachers and students of the school saw this scene.
Later, his mother found that no matter what happened, even if he didn't get it right, he would come to complain about his mother, it was all his mother's fault, and it had nothing to do with himself.
Now that Xiao S is older and a freshman in high school, he can pay attention to some natural clues, such as he can pay attention to some events that happened on the car when he was "sitting on the bus", and come back to discuss with his mother. In this regard, my mother still feels that Little S has improved, but most of the things are still presented in an emotional way.
It was close to the final exam, my mother was a little anxious, and she made some suggestions to Little S, and the result was a problem again. In the past, Xiao S spent a lot of time on "sitting on the bus" and "getting a mobile phone", and her mother thought of letting Xiao S use more time to learn.
One day he came back in the bus and played with his phone for a while, and his mother said, "Don't look at it, give your phone to your mother, I will help you charge it." Little S reluctantly gave her mother a mobile phone, and then went to her own house to study. As soon as I sat down to get a book to read, I said that I couldn't learn it, and I was upset. Because for him, the solution to the trouble is to "play with the mobile phone" or "take the bus". As a result, his mother ignored him and did not promise to let him play with his mobile phone. At this time, he began to drop the "stool", full of hostility towards his mother, who still did not agree to give him the mobile phone. He was so angry that he fantasized about him biting his mother like a "zombie". Mom was also angry and hit his outstretched mouth, but he pounced on mom and tried to bite mom, but mom was angry and hit him again.
After this incident, my mother was both relieved and disappointed. The comfort is that Little S is still jealous in the process of "physical contact" with his mother. His anger was so extremely bluffing. Disappointment is that Xiao S is mostly unable to communicate well with his mother, but in an emotional way to fight, is this related to his mother's improper education when he was a child?
If you encounter confusing things when you are a child to ask your mother for help, your mother can pay attention to it, and then teach him how to solve it, teach him how to deal with some things, does he learn to interact with his mother, learn to communicate? Because his mother not only ignored him, but also reprimanded him, he would be very depressed in his heart, and then accumulate a lot of anger? When he vented his anger, his mother paid great attention to it and cared about it. Does this emphasis, in turn, reinforce his negative behavior, so the way he communicates with his mother is to communicate with negative emotions?
The child communicates with the mother with negative emotions
You must say, can you teach now? Yes, but hard. When he has no emotion, he has to draw his attention to what his mother is going to say, and he has the desire to hear. If he can listen to it, if he can realize it, it is a big step forward. The next step is that he can do it, can change it, and it's very difficult. For autistic children in adolescence, it is even more difficult. Because some of their habits have been formed, they don't have the fortitude to change them. In addition, their attention is narrow, such as Xiao S, who focuses on "sitting in the bus" and "playing with mobile phones", other things are secondary, even in the face of intense review before the exam, his attention is difficult to divert.
People say that just finished cement, when not solidified, you can shape various shapes. Once the time is long, solidified, and then molded, the cement will be destroyed, so it can only be fine-tuned, and the space for shaping is much smaller. Little S mother feels that the shaping of this person is also similar to this cement, when the child is small, according to the child's psychological development law to influence, shape, little by little to guide, the child's psychological problems may not be so much, the degree of mental health may be better. There are many successful cases of interventions.
Exchange and discussion
Little S is a typical example of not intervening or training as a child. When he has a normal desire to communicate, his mother does not have a good guidance, does not strengthen his desire to actively communicate, but unconsciously strengthens his problem behavior when things happen. So that Little S will not communicate and solve things, but present it in an emotional way. As a result, his social function is not strong. It's hard to intervene now.
So is it not okay to intervene now? Little S mother feels that "fine-tuning" is also effective, about "fine-tuning", we will continue to explore in the next issue.
Thank you for your interest and we'll see you in the next issue.