Yesterday, I brushed a short video, saw a video, and instantly burst into tears - a three- or four-year-old boy, looking at the whole family around his sister, tears swirling in his eyes.
The eyes are full of puzzlement - why did your parents and grandparents ignore me, it wasn't like this before, why did you only pay attention to your sister and not to me.....
Also full of longing - look at me, you love me....
Finally, I finally couldn't help but cry out, and I really hurt this child!
Many second-child families around Guo Ren's mother have this problem - I feel that after having a second treasure, I often can't take care of the big treasure. Obviously, it is already very difficult to put a bowl of water flat, and Dabao will often feel that his parents are "eccentric".
Indeed, when there is a child, just consider taking good care of this one, although it is a little tired, but overall things are still relatively controllable, but once you want two babies or even more babies, the situation is much more complicated.
Guo Ren Mama's article today will come to talk about, the family has two treasures, how to do as much as possible to make children not aggrieved, parents are not anxious. There are still surprises at the end of today's article!
Hello everyone, I am Big.D, is a second baby dad, daughter 8 years old, son 2 and a half years old, today to share with you, how to flatten a bowl of water, to achieve a general fair experience. Due to the limited situation in my family, this experience is likely not suitable for twin families or families with a small age gap between Dabao and Erbao, for reference only.
To sum up, I think that fairness here is not physical fairness, but the general balance of the care felt by Dabao and Erbao.
I think it is not so much about focusing on fairness as about building a sense of stability and security, so that both older children and smaller babies can feel love and accept this rule without feeling wronged, which is the ultimate goal.
Also, I think the focus is always on the boss to make the kids feel fair. On the one hand, the boss belongs to the stage of understanding something, but he cannot control his emotions well; on the other hand, compared with the second treasure, the boss will directly feel that the care of his parents has been "transferred" and is more likely to be uncomfortable.
So, what should we pay attention to?
1, preheating in place, half the effort
First of all, even if parents attach importance to fairness, Erbao will occupy a lot of energy from his family, especially his mother, for a long time after he is born, and Dabao will definitely feel aggrieved.
So if you want to make Dabao feel fair, you have to start intervening as soon as possible, let her know that the baby will definitely come, and everyone will definitely be busy for a while, but love her as always.
Like when our family was discussing the second treasure, when the eldest girl said that she wanted a little sister, I said what if it was a boy?
She said: "It's good to have a brother";
Me: "... That really can't come, you can only have a little brother..."
Daughter: "Little brother, I'll beat him to death." ”
Me: "..."
However, when she slowly took Dabao to read the picture book later, she saw the plot of her sister playing with her younger siblings, and she seemed to be vaguely expectant.
So we kept telling her that although we had a baby, mom and dad would spend less time with her, but they still loved her the same way. And after having a little brother and little sister, she can be the head of the big sister, and the little brother and little sister have to listen to her.
In addition, during the pregnancy process, the mother's belly is getting bigger and bigger, and we often bring Dabao together to listen to the fetal heart, feel the fetal movement, let her experience that there is a small life growing day by day, and there is a little expectation.
Of course, in addition to psychological construction, it is necessary to be a little practical - take Dabao to Disney and surrounding museums...
There is another place that I think is doing a good job, that is, on the night of the birth of the second treasure, I took the time to go home. Then hug Dabao, saying that Erbao has been born, is a little brother, looks healthy, let's love him together, okay? Mom and Dad will love you as much as they used to, and then obviously feel that the boss is a lot more relaxed.
2, cooperation is also a kind of companionship
A few months after the baby is born, the family often circles around the baby, and Dabao can easily feel left out.
At this time, we must let the boss participate in the work of taking care of the second eldest. Because for adults, taking care of small babies is a heavy job, but for the curious Dabao, this may be closer to a kind of "play", and with adults to take care of the second treasure, she is not easy to feel left out.
For example, when changing diapers, take a handle, help wipe it when feeding, play with erbao, and when her parents are doing things next to her, ask the boss to help her see a small meeting of erbao, which will help her cultivate the feeling of being a sister.
Our family Dabao once paid great attention to Erbao's diapers, and often called us: "My brother is pulling The rice again!" ”
Of course, feeding with a bottle and feeding complementary food, although Dabao especially wants to try, but considering the potential risks, we still politely refuse her help.
3. Do you still not fight back when you are beaten?
As the second eldest grows larger, motor, cognitive, and language skills become stronger and stronger, self-awareness also develops. This situation will bring more conflict, and the real challenge to "fairness" will come.
What should I do if the two babies fight?
Think about when we were young, we were often educated in this way - "If you are big, you have to let the small, people are little brothers who don't understand things, hitting people is not painful, what is wrong with you letting him point out?" blblblbl”。 But now that you think about it, will it feel fair?
I told Dabao that if the little brother deliberately hit you, you have the right to fight back, the strength is well controlled, and you can not hurt him.
However, in the beginning, there was a little bit of chaos.
Because Erbao sometimes owes a little bit of money, and then he grows old to provoke his sister. Then our family treasure is also a master who does not suffer losses, as soon as the little brother touches her, she really slaps down the beaten hand, and the beating is quite heavy.
So later we educated Dabao, saying that you can choose to fight back, you can also choose to reason with him, he really doesn't know as much as you now, you tell him a few more times before he understands. But in short, you don't have to aggrieved yourself, you are unhappy when you are beaten, you have to express it, I don't ask you to let him, just let you know that he really doesn't understand things now, you need to talk to him more reasonable.
So come and go a few times, the situation has really eased, the second brother knows that it is wrong to hit people, the sister also knows that the little brother sometimes does not mean it, and he can understand the reasoning.
But are you fair in this case? It is not easy to say, because it is a fairness to return after being beaten, and it is also a fairness for the big to let the small.
Speaking of which, I think it is quite important that children's views on a thing are often based on the performance of their parents. For example, the younger brother beat the sister, the sister fought back, we scolded the sister, let her let the younger brother, then the younger brother will learn that I am privileged.
But from the perspective of adults, it is also in a good heart, think that the small is so cute, so fine skin and tender flesh, the big hit does not hurt, the small is not much strength, the fight is beaten, eat a little loss does not matter, but in fact, did not think, this damage to the big treasure is actually huge.
In short, Dabao does not necessarily have to really fight back, the most important thing is whether she has the choice to fight back. When she could understand that her parents treated him and his little brother equally, she was less anxious to fight back. In addition, like grabbing a toy, competing to see whose animation or something, we often parents do not do too much intervention, is to let them toss themselves.
Then the boss may take some measures to gain an advantage at the beginning, but when the younger one grows up, he knows that he has suffered a loss, and he will fight back. This belongs to a reasonable small competition and tempering between children, which is good for each other's development, as long as it is not beyond the scope of children's playfulness, parents do not have to worry, and rush to intervene.
4, parents themselves do not worry
The so-called poor parents in the world, one child is enough to worry about, two children are even more upset.
In this case, parents must put their mentality at ease, many times we may pursue a fairness in the eyes of adults, such as trying to give two children exactly the same thing, but there is no absolute fairness.
Not to mention, when the eldest and the second are born, our age and energy, as well as the economic level of accommodation conditions may be different, the time spent with the child is good, it is also difficult to do the same. Even if we buy the same thing for both children every time, the child does not necessarily feel that we are fair, because the fairness that the child wants is not the same as the fairness of the adult.
Also, talk to your child about fairness. For example, I will frankly tell Dabao that although mom and dad love you and your little brother as much as possible, they can never be exactly the same, because you were born 6 years early and enjoy the love of your parents for 6 years, and your little brother will never have this opportunity. In turn, although the younger brother was born late, he had an extra sister who loved him.
Therefore, instead of being absolutely fair, it is better to build a stable and peaceful rule, so that children feel comfortable in it, feel that there are rules, have a sense of security, and do not feel wronged.
Did you feel that your parents were eccentric when you were a child?
Did the child ever say that you were eccentric?
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Editor 丨 Lin Yiyi, also octopus mother, the mother of a 3-year-old boy
Image 丨 from UnSplash