01
A few days ago, I saw an interview with Yang Lele about the marriage relationship.
Married to Wang Han for 15 years, the low-key couple has always been a model couple in the entertainment industry.
In recent years, Yang Lele has completely retired in order to take care of his children, and basically rarely appears in public.
But at first, Yang Lele wanted to juggle her career and family, and she was a strong character, so she eagerly returned to work just two months after giving birth.
Even if she had to run between Changsha and Shanghai and milk her children on the car on the way, she did not want to give up.
But once, while she was recording a program, she suddenly received a call from the nanny, saying that her son was bleeding.
Yang Lele was in a hurry and wanted to fly back to the child immediately, but she couldn't open her body before the work was completed. She could only consult the doctor while asking friends and relatives to take the child to the hospital.
Yang Lele lamented the difficulty of raising children, "When anyone can retreat, I can't retreat." In the most difficult times, you have only yourself. ”
Since then, for many years, Yang Lele's focus has been on the child, and the order of life has become: the child - his own business - Wang Han.
Perhaps feeling "neglected", one day, Wang Han said to Yang Lele:
"You're a very good mom, but probably not a very good wife."
"I didn't do well enough", this is Yang Lele's biggest feeling after listening to it.
Because of many years of married life, Yang Lele knows that Wang Han is the party who has paid more tolerance, and he has been within the scope of his ability to support himself.
Yang Lele thanked her husband for his tolerance and honesty, and hoped that he could give himself a little more understanding.
In fact, Wang Han's "accusation" is not only a small problem in their marriage, but also pokes at the hidden pain of many couples in real life.
I've seen a survey like this:
An institution specifically targets married men and women and asks questions: Parents, spouses and children, who is most important in your heart?
The results showed that 70% chose "children", 20% chose "parents", and only 10% chose "spouse".
How many couples, after having children, the parent-child relationship overrides the husband and wife relationship, and the whole family revolves around the child.
But as Wu Zhihong said in the book "Why Home Hurts People":
If the relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family and has the first say, then the family will be rock solid.
On the contrary, if the parent-child relationship overrides the relationship between husband and wife, two problems will arise: one is a bad mother-in-law relationship, and the other is a serious love complex.
A truly happy and happy family is usually a husband and wife relationship greater than a parent-child relationship.
02
In this age of temptation, 3 pieces of advice for you who want to seriously run your marriage:
(1) Restrain the desire to control and quit excessive dependence
In an interview with Yang Lele, the reporter asked her how to keep the marriage fresh?
Yang Lele mentioned a point of view, marriage life should always be vigilant against possessiveness and control, although the other party is a lover, but the other party is an independent individual, must respect each other, each other to complete.
In favor of this view, there are not a few marriages in reality that have problems due to excessive dependence on one party.
There is a Hong Kong movie "Twelve Nights", which is about the love trajectory of a young man and woman:
From the beginning of the affection, anxiously looking forward to each date, to the later choice to separate without words, after the breakup of emotions and desires, divided and combined, entangled to the end.
The heroine who has a stubborn desire for love confirms to her boyfriend over and over again in the film that "you love me or not", and her life after love has been revolving around each other, and the other party is anxious without a second to reply to the message.
In order to maintain the relationship, from a proud goddess to a humble and flattering little girl; even tracked the whereabouts of her boyfriend, and prepared new underwear for him to send overnight before he traveled on a business trip.
However, she looked confused about love, but in exchange for a sentence of "I don't need you to do this."
Such an almost suffocating relationship is like the love of many people:
I love you, so I can't live without you, I want your company all the time; as long as I can keep you, I'm willing to do anything.
But the reality is that no matter how intimate the relationship, it must follow the principle of moderate dependence, and each party must have its own personal boundaries.
Learn to restrain your desire to control and establish appropriate, clear, and firm boundaries, so that it is easier to establish and maintain good intimate relationships.
03
(2) Let go of mannerisms and communicate frankly
Yang Lele also revealed a detail in the interview that since they have been married for more than ten years, the husband and wife have often communicated in depth.
The frank communication between the two sides allows them to discover each other's real needs in time, and then adjust the relationship according to their needs.
In fact, this is probably what many happy married couples have in common.
After a long marriage, it is easy for both spouses to have the illusion of transparency, that is, they always think that the other party can realize their thoughts and emotions.
But this is precisely the taboo of marriage. Many times, the other person does not really care about your feelings, and it is more likely that the other party has not interpreted your needs correctly.
Just like a girl often complains that her boyfriend doesn't understand her, for example, she wants to eat ice cream, but the other party gives her milk tea.
Someone asked, "Why don't you just tell him you're going to eat ice cream?" ”
She said naturally: "This is what he should know, what I like to eat, what I hate to eat, he should remember it clearly, and use me to say." ”
Intimate parties, in many places, there will be tacit understanding, which is an important feature of intimate relationships. But the problem is that even the most intimate person can't fully know what you're thinking; even if you do, you may not be able to react to it all the time.
Therefore, in the relationship, especially in the relationship between husband and wife, everyone should learn to express themselves, that is, voluntarily in front of others, to truly express their inner feelings and information.
Counselors have found that some couples in the counseling room argue fiercely at first, but when one person finally says that they still love each other, the other person's expression will change and they will have a look.
The reason is that it is not easy to admit that you need each other and say "love". Because expressing that you need the other party is equivalent to showing your own weakness, it also gives the other party the right to hurt themselves, creates uncertainty, and breeds fear.
Therefore, when a person can do the opposite, bravely face fear, put down the Mask of Mannerism, and properly express themselves, the emotional connection between the two sides will be closer.
For example, if you want a birthday gift, more time to spend time with you, etc., it is more appropriate to express your needs directly.
Many times, a valid indicator of how close two people are is the extent to which they share each other's vulnerabilities.
04
(3) Reduce misunderstandings and look at problems from a relationship perspective
I've seen such a story.
A couple whose husband lends money to a friend for short-term turnover does not speak to his wife in advance. After a month, the friend repaid the money as scheduled before the husband told his wife.
The wife was very angry when she heard this, and said, "How do you always lend our family's money to others?" ”
The husband defended: "What are you angry about, this friend you know, and don't you already pay it back?" ”
The wife asked, "Then why didn't you tell me?" ”
The husband said, "Didn't I tell you that?" ”
The wife stopped talking and sulked; the husband was also depressed and felt that his wife was stingy.
What is the problem with this couple?
On the surface, the couple is talking about things, but in fact it reflects the relationship problem.
The wife is angry, not that she should not lend the money to others on the surface, but that the husband did not consult with her in advance before borrowing the money.
Before borrowing money, the business is not negotiable, and the meaning of the relationship is not the same. If it is discussed, it indicates that the major decision should be discussed with the wife and the decision is made jointly; if it is not discussed, it indicates that the wife's consent is not required for the major decision.
And the husband feels that the wife is stingy, that is, he does not see the essence of anger.
If the couple wants to resolve the conflict, both parties must communicate from the relationship level.
What is a relational perspective? Relational perspective refers to the use of relational perspectives to observe problems, phenomena, and the world.
For example, a husband can say, "Wife, it's not like this, and I'd love to tell you, but I'm just worried that if you dismiss me, I'll lose face in front of my friends."
I didn't discuss it with you in advance, I wasn't right. I don't want to hide it from you, as soon as my friend pays you back, I told you that I don't want you to feel that I don't deserve to be trusted. ”
There is no isolated self in this world, and people always live in some kind of relationship.
Many times, discussing things on the basis of facts and not talking about relationships will cause a lot of misunderstandings, and the darker and darker they are, the more harmful they will be to each other.
Therefore, to create a healthy relationship that is conducive to the growth and improvement of all parties involved in the relationship, mutual benefit and win-win results, we may wish to start by improving the quality of the relationship.
Yang Lan once said:
In addition to love, there is also the righteousness of treating each other with liver and gallbladder, the tacit understanding of not abandoning and the growth of common nurturing, as well as the unforgettable kindness.
Deeply.
Marriages are complicated, there are not so many perfect marriages in the world, and all good intimate relationships need to be managed with care.