I grew up with my grandmother, who struggled to raise me with a crippled leg.
Author: Su Yan
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That year, I was fostered in a rural grandmother's house when I was born, and my grandmother struggled to raise me with a crippled leg.
Since I can remember, I have lived with my grandmother in a cramped old house in the countryside, and the old house is surrounded by abandoned old houses, and the old house is in the middle of this group of old houses, and it looks quite dilapidated.
My uncle's family built a new house in the early years, and my grandmother originally lived in a new house with my uncle's family, but somehow she took me back to this dilapidated old house, and let my uncle come to pick her up many times, and she refused to follow her back.
There is a jujube tree in front of the old house, which is said to have been planted in the year my grandmother picked me up, and now it has bloomed a small yellow flower, and my grandmother said that when the dates are ripe, my mother will come back to pick me up.
I waited, waited, waited until the jujube tree grew round leaves, waited until the dates were all white, and I stood under the jujube tree, expecting the dates to turn red as soon as possible, so that I could see my mother sooner.
I stayed under the jujube tree every day, afraid that other children would steal dates, and I was reluctant to eat them when I was hungry, thinking that my mother would definitely pick up big and sweet dates for me to eat when she came back, and I would be happy for many days.
When the dates were finally red and my mother returned, I pounced on her to hold her, only to see her holding her sister in her left hand and her brother with her right hand, my open arms hanging down, and my mother saw me and said lightly, "Nini has grown taller!" I looked up and watched my mother pluck a few red dates from the jujube tree, one into my sister's mouth, one into my brother's mouth, and I waited for the sweet dates to enter, but I saw my brother snatch the remaining dates from my mother's hand and run away at me.
My mother did not see the disappointment in my eyes, and went straight into my grandmother's old house and sat in Kangtou to talk to my grandmother. Sister Rui Rui sat in the crook of her mother's legs, and on her feet was a pair of beautiful pink leather shoes. I stared at the pink leather shoes on my sister's feet, and I tried to put the pair of fine-pinned tiger-toe shoes on my feet to the side, in order to break the shoes and let my mother buy me a new pair of leather shoes.
My mother's eyes froze on me for a moment and she scolded me, "What are you doing?" The movement on my feet stopped, so aggrieved that the tears couldn't help but fall.
"Don't scare your kids as soon as you come back!" Grandma glanced at her mother disapprovingly, turned around and took me into her arms and comforted, "Nini doesn't cry." ”
My mother returned to the city that day, she picked a lot of red dates to take back to my sister and brother to eat, but I never ate the dates that my mother personally picked for me, maybe she felt that the date tree was at the door of the house, and I could eat sweet dates at any time.
The remaining dates were picked by my mother and hung alone on the tree, and my grandmother knocked down a few dates with a stick, and I ran all over the ground to pick them up, wiped off the dust on them with my dirty hands and sent them to my mouth, the dates tasted very light, but there was no sweetness.
Early the next morning, my grandmother went to the market and came back with a pair of pink shoes. She saw that I was so excited in those leather shoes that she couldn't help but wipe her eyes.
In those years, my mother rarely came to see me, but every time she came over, it was almost a complaint. She always looked at me with a mournful look, as if I were a slug stuck to my grandmother's shoes, so I was always timid and did not dare to approach her.
Image source network, intrusion and deletion
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When I was seven years old, I went to elementary school in the village, and I was in the same class as my uncle's big fat, and the big fat always bullied me, calling me a wild child that no one wanted, he said that my mother had given me away, and his grandmother (that is, my grandmother) was stunned to bring me back from other people's homes to raise me, and his grandmother's time was spent taking care of me, and she couldn't take care of him.
I cried and went home to ask my grandmother, and my grandmother chased after my uncle's house and asked my aunt what she said to the child for a day, and my aunt unceremoniously scolded my grandmother: "It wasn't me who said you, when Swallow (my mother) sent the child out, you were stunned to run to someone's house and prostrate and make reparations to get the child back, what is the use of returning such a money-losing goods?" Your own grandson does not bring, run to take other people's unwanted granddaughter, are you not a slut? ”
"Swallow doesn't understand things, makes a fool of myself, but I'm not confused when I'm a mother, Nini he has parents, how can I let the child call others parents?" I was thinking of taking her with Big Fat, if you can't tolerate Nini, how can I move back to the old house? You bully me, you want to bully Nini, I don't agree! Grandma's tone was not weak at all.
"What's the use of her parents giving birth to her and not raising her?" You're a dead old woman, how long can I see you can raise her? The aunt unceremoniously confronted the grandmother.
"I'll live to be raised when I'm going to live, and I'm going to live to see Nini get married!" Grandma left her uncle's house with a limp.
Unbeknownst to my grandmother, I overheard all of them while hiding outside the door, and then ran home. Leaning against the date tree in the doorway, shivering, and when Grandma came back with a lame foot, I had been shaking for a long time, and My grandmother pulled me into the house and covered me with a quilt, but I was still shaking and falling asleep, and I slept very restlessly that night, and in my dreams I was running after my mother.
When it was about to dawn, I heard my mother's voice, but I did not dare to open my eyes, and I felt my mother's hand touch my forehead and say, "It's not so hot." ”
Then I heard my mother say in a low voice, "I gave Nini away, and you brought the child back, you see how hard you have suffered for so many years!" ”
"Because you can say that giving away your own daughter is also something you can do as a mother?" Grandma's voice suddenly raised a degree.
"Isn't there no way? Bin Zi (my father) is often not at home, how do you let me live alone with three children? Rui Rui (my sister) was born with congenital heart disease, she can't run or jump, can't live like a normal child, I live every day in the pain of losing her, taking care of her is tired enough, thinking of having another child, you can take care of Rui Rui, who knows that later gave birth to two children, Yang Yang (my twin brother) is a boy, Bin Zi definitely does not promise to give people, the palms of his hands and the backs of his hands are flesh, cutting everything hurts, what do you let me do? ”
My mother's low crying sounded in my ears, but I didn't dare to open my eyes to look at her, and my mind was full of thoughts that my mother didn't want me, and she wanted to give me away.
After a long time, I heard my grandmother say: "I was thrown by my biological parents because of this lame leg, but fortunately I was finally picked up by your current grandparents and loved as my own child, but in this life, I always felt that I had no one to want, and I was said to lose it, and I couldn't get over this hurdle in my heart." Later, my biological parents wanted to recognize me, but I refused, I know that they have guilty about me in this life, but I have to be responsible for the people who raised me, and I don't want you to be like them in the future! ”
Then I heard my mother's low sobs, and my mother rubbed my head, and tears fell into my neck socket. It was the first time my mother had been so close to me, but only after I learned that I had been sent by my mother.
Early the next morning, my fever subsided, and my mother returned to the city, where she had to rush back to take care of her sister and brother. I watched my mother leave indifferently, and there was no expectation or retention in my heart.
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The years of living with my grandmother were the most peaceful years of my life, and I no longer had any extravagant expectations for my mother, but only wanted to live with my grandmother for the rest of my life.
When I was 9 years old, my father was transferred to the local work, my mother came to pick me up and take me back to the city, I took my grandmother's hand and refused to leave, but my grandmother broke my hand and said, "Your mother came to pick you up, you followed her back!" ”
"I don't want to go back, I'm afraid she'll lose me." While crying, I tugged at the hem of my grandmother's clothes and refused to let go.
Grandma changed her face and yelled at me so loudly for the first time: "I brought you back to raise you, not so that you remember hating your mother!" ”
My mother vigorously pulled away my hand that was tugging at the hem of my grandmother's clothes and dragged me to the car. Grandma's shoulders slowly grew smaller in my line of sight, and that was the first time I felt that Grandma was old, so old that she had shrunk into a small dot and then disappeared.
In the end, I was taken back to the city by my mother, but because I missed my grandmother, I cried night and wet the pillow towel. My parents were very kind to me, they bought me beautiful clothes, tied me as beautiful pigtails as my sister, let me go to the same school as my sister and brother, but I was out of place with everything here, my classmates laughed at my lame dialect, teased me with a simulated snake, my sister and brother squeezed me, my parents always reminded me not to eat, not to get my clothes dirty when playing.
Growing freely in the mountains, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of being out of place, and I became particularly fond of crying, always repeating the phrase "I miss my grandmother, I want to go home." ”
My mother kept telling me that it was my home, but in my eyes it was not, without my grandmother's home, no matter how beautiful it was, it was not my home.
From beginning to end, I couldn't get close to my mother, that confused night, the conversations between my grandmother and my mother were like thorns in my heart, even breathing was painful when I thought about it, the hatred of crazy growth was rooted in the bottom of my heart, I hated my mother, so I always stabbed her with some heartfelt words, I thought I would be happy to see her hurt expression, but in the deepest part of my heart, it was always empty and uncomfortable.
After I left, my grandmother was taken care of by my uncle in the new house, and my mother often took me back to see my grandmother, and every time I went to see her, she always seemed extremely happy, and I took my grandmother's hand and nagged for hours, and my mother sat next to me and looked at us out of her mind.
In front of my mother, I deliberately provoked my mother, deliberately asked my grandmother how she kowtowed to the two people who adopted me and did not want me to come back, my grandmother tapped my head with her thin hand, and her expression became particularly serious: "If you dare to mention this matter again, I will really throw you away, I am good to you, just because you were born to my daughter, I can't watch my daughter do stupid things, so I want you back." But I, the mother, raised you for 9 years, not to raise you so that you hate her. ”
My mother suddenly cried, the first time I saw my mother crying, she grabbed my grandmother's hand and cried until her liver and intestines were broken, repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again, not knowing whether it was directed at me or at my grandmother.
For many days before, I had brazenly done in front of my mother what she did not allow me to do, and said things that hurt her wantonly, just because she owed me something, but my mother was as tolerant of me as ever, even if I did too much, she could not bear to scold me. Whenever I think back to what my grandmother said before, I wonder if I'm really overdoing it.
Grandma was still old after all, and on the day she died, she dragged my mother's hand together, and she couldn't say anything, just shed tears. The mother told grandma over and over again, "I will definitely take good care of Nini." Grandma closed her eyes, and my mother and I cried loudly.
After my grandmother left, I never had a childhood again.
Later, when I grew up and had my own daughter Sugar Candy, when my life was disturbed by children day and night, my mother came, and she skillfully took care of my children for me, taking good care of my life, just like my grandmother at that time, nagging and telling me how to take care of children, how to adjust my life and schedule, and try to let me sleep peacefully.
The relationship between mother and daughter between us has become much closer because of the arrival of this little person. That day, my mother hugged sugar candy and said, "Look how good you are, your sister doesn't have this life." ”
"But she has her parents around to take care of her all the time!" I said with a wry smile as I sorted out Sugar Sugar's clothes.
The mother suddenly cried, she said, your grandmother can't even give her a healthy body, she can't be angry, can't get married, can't have children... She could go at any moment, and Mom had to take care of her carefully... At that time, I was younger than you are now, a person to take three children, there is no mother-in-law around to take care of, your grandmother's legs and feet are not good, can not help, I thought, with three children can not live, then take one less, your sister is sick, which is willing to want? Your brother and your father will not send it, only you are healthy and healthy, send a good family, maybe better than following me. Later, your grandmother kept scolding me for this, scolding and cursing me to wake up, how could she be so confused at that time? How can you give up your own children? ”
My mother cried out of breath, the hand holding sugar sugar trembled, I held my mother's hand, across the sugar sugar, hugged her, and the tears finally couldn't help but flow.
I only then understood my mother's embarrassment, my father has been working in the field for many years, she alone, not only to take care of the sick sister, but also to take care of the younger brother, really can not take care of every child, when I was cruel to others to raise, but also hope that every child can be well taken care of...
But over the years, my mother did her best to be nice to me and make up for her psychological debt to me.
I finally understood that when my grandmother knelt down and begged others to return to me, who had been given back by my mother, she just didn't want my mother to live with a debt to me for a lifetime.
The person she has always loved is the mother, because she loves the mother, so she will love me and take care of me.
All the love between relatives is a kind of inheritance and continuation, and this love will live forever...