A father does not consume a father's history of parenting blood and tears, and raising a child should be the same as raising a pig

On the issue of parenting, Chen Zhiwen once felt self-blame and unease, "I have made many mistakes, such as paying too much attention to children, such as making up for children's shortcomings, and I even feel that I am not a qualified father!" ”

As the child grew older, he found that these educational shortcomings happened to be outlined as the mountains that needed to be climbed in the child's life.

"In fact, all of our parents have never been parents before, and we have grown up in exploration and practice." Chen Zhiwen admitted, "I think we just did our best. ”

From this point of view, he recognized his good intentions as a new father.

Chen Zhiwen has been deeply engaged in the field of education for decades, and in terms of the achievements in these education fields, he believes that there are many detours on the road to parenting. On the occasion of Father's Day, Tencent Parenting interviewed Chen Zhiwen exclusively, and from the parenting experience of this education practitioner, he saw a father's dedication and reflection on the road to raising children.

Chen Zhiwen and son

01

Yan Mother and Loving Father

Chen Zhiwen feels that there are many fathers at two extremes, one is not caring much about their children and lacks their children's growth, that is, "widowed parenting", and the other is overly concerned about their children and even "pampered" children.

And when he himself was raising children, he was a little too careful and careful. "I myself review being an overly focused father on his children."

When the child was born, in order to monitor the child's living environment in real time, he placed a thermometer at the head of the bed and a bed in the cradle. However, the distance from the head of the bed to the end of the bed is less than one meter, and there will be no temperature difference at all, which has long become the laughing stock of the family.

This short one-meter distance reflects that he cannot be at ease with the situation.

Perhaps because the birth of the child was an accident, he felt more nervous and anxious than ever. "Many of my friends around me are like this, and the first child is raised by books. In the second and third children, this anxiety will slowly be released. ”

"If I were to raise a child again now, I firmly believe that I would let go a lot!" However, for Chen Zhiwen, such repetition is an unattainable luxury.

Chen Zhiwen believes that the ancient saying "strict father and loving mother" has its own truth, "The father should not pay excessive attention, but should appear at the critical and principled time; Motherhood is a more everyday role, and nagging is normal. ”

Chen Zhiwen's family is also a typical strict father and loving mother on the surface, and he has strict basic requirements for children. But this strict father, "too understanding of children, considerate of children, but also a little "loving father", more divided. ”

In his impression, his wife was more measured and wiser than himself in educating his children. "She shows up when she should show up, and doesn't show up when she shouldn't."

02

Face father-son conflict

Since his wife has been studying abroad for many years, Chen Zhiwen has devoted more time and energy to the process of raising children. At the same time, it also means that when there is a conflict between father and son, there is no buffer for the role of the mother.

The child has completed part of the primary school course abroad, after which he returns to China to complete the subsequent junior high school and high school.

What Chen Zhiwen did not expect was that with the task of taking care of the child came together, there was also the child's unsuspecting adolescence.

A single father with an adolescent son is enough to make up all the material for a disaster movie.

"I obviously paid too much attention to his psycho-emotional changes, forming a kind of psychological pampering, which I only realized later." Chen Zhiwen often reflected on himself like this, "which made him lose some opportunities to sharpen." ”

Human growth is a process of constantly falling and hurting, and constantly repairing and becoming stronger. However, the father's overprotection is likely to deprive the child of the opportunity for self-healing and nirvana. Just like a bird learns to fly, parents cannot carry their children to fly all the time, children must learn how to fly by themselves. Parents can provide nutritional supplements, bird's nest protection, but learning how to fly is the child's own business.

It is not until children become adults that their way of communicating gradually becomes harmonious.

"Around puberty he thought I didn't understand anything, and now he asks me for advice when I have problems. If his mother worked overtime at night, he would make several phone calls to ask if she needed to pick up and if she had dinner. This is where I feel happiest and most satisfied right now. ”

In this regard, Chen Zhiwen concluded that the best education for parents for their children should be strict management and good rules when they are young, and pay attention to grasping the big and letting go of the small, rather than grasping the eyebrows and beards.

When the child reaches adolescence, even if the parents are reluctant, they must let go, it is best to shut up and let the child try and wander on his own.

This is not only the only way for children to grow, but also a long practice for parents.

03

Never chicken dolls

"He jumped up and down all the time," Chen says of his child's school experience. From kindergarten to university, what kind of school children should go to and how they should complete their studies has never been the focus of their attention, nor has it been systematically planned. 

The criteria for choosing kindergartens and primary schools are proximity to home; Temporarily studying abroad is also because my mother wants to study abroad. Later, the child's Chinese was reversed, so he took the child back to China to study, to keep the "Chinese core". Learning Olympiad, it is also the child himself who remembers to sharpen the gun in battle. 

In the eyes of many chicken parents, such a lack of planned education can almost be said to be irresponsible.

But Chen Zhiwen doesn't think so, "To some extent, I don't care about his academic problems, I care more about his growth, or maybe because his studies have always been good and have never let us worry about it." ”

In Chen's view, teaching children to take responsibility for themselves and become self-disciplined learners is more important than grades and scores.

My son has loved cycling since he was a child

Even the "climbing vine" of the chicken baby ceiling in the hearts of many parents is not the result of their deliberate planning. "His mother and I never thought that he had to go to a prestigious university, and that was his own business."

They never study chicken dolls, do not choose the best kindergarten and primary school for their children, and the only time they choose a school is also the child's own requirements and planning, they only play a supporting role. When the child proposes to enroll in extracurricular tutoring classes, he often bargains with the child or even refuses, in the hope of cultivating the child's learning ability, rather than relying on the outside stick.

Their concerns are often outside of learning, such as goodness, responsibility, and health. 

04

Deliberate kneading and quenching

As an educator, Chen Zhiwen has found in long-term observation and research that successful parenting experiences are often not replicable, but failed parenting experiences are worth reflecting on and helping parents avoid some pitfalls.

Because of this, he summed up his sporadic insights on educating children from the detours he has taken.

"First of all, in the requirements for children, we must grasp the big and let go of the small." Among them, "big" refers to establishing correct values, and "small" refers to how everything should be done.

For example, many boys are reluctant to do housework when they are young, but Chen Zhiwen will ask children to participate in family work, cultivate children's sense of responsibility, make children accustomed to doing small things, and tell him "how to sweep the world if you don't sweep the house".

Secondly, Chen Zhiwen feels that raising children is like raising pigs, rougher, let go and let the children grow up in "experience". Whether it is a boy or a girl, parents should not pay too much attention, once overly concerned, often overly involved, so that children lose the opportunity to grow.

"The growth of a child is a process of constantly falling and even being hurt, and it is also a process of constantly repairing itself and becoming strong in this process." If parents can't guarantee that their child's life will be smooth, then don't stop the child from coping with complex situations and let the child grow up in kneading and tempering.

Chen Zhiwen also reminded that "making up for shortcomings" is often a mistake that many parents love to make, and parents unconsciously make up for their children's shortcomings. In fact, the core of life is "to grow, if a child is best at learning, be a nerd, what is wrong with engaging in scientific research?" ”

People are different, not all children are very comprehensive, parents must know how to tap their children's strengths, help children maximize their advantages, rather than blindly asking children to make up for their weaknesses, and turn quality education into another level of score-only theory.

If there is anything that Chen Zhiwen feels is worthy of affirmation, it is that he and his wife do things and set the best example for their children with practical actions, and the old people in the family also give their children the best example.

Chen Zhiwen never asked his child to take the first exam. "People are different, just do your best." Chen Zhiwen repeatedly emphasized, "Instead of the learning of chicken children, it is better for chicken children to grow." ”

End

"Dad also has a lot of shortcomings in the way he disciplines you, and it also makes you dislike it very much, or don't fit in, but Dad wants to tell you that Dad has tried his best, and Dad is a qualified dad!"

In the third year of his child's return to China, Chen Zhiwen wrote in his New Year's message to his child.

Be a person and do things, just do your best, don't force others, and don't embarrass yourself. This is Chen Zhiwen's earnest motto for educating his children, and it is also what he demands of himself, the role of a father.

Let go and let children experience what they should experience, give children free space to grow, even if it is bumpy and blocked, wind and rain, do not overprotect, pampered and indulgent.

Being a parent is a journey through the landscape, watching your children drift away and walk towards their own world.