The number of words is about 7238 words
Reading time: approx. 9 minutes
Sections of this article:
01. Junior high school girls are always entangled in interpersonal relationships
02, there are no good friends, the problem is actually herself
03. Her parents made 2 mistakes in home education
Wei Jie is very young, only in the second year of junior high school, and she and her mother came to the clinic by high-speed train from Hunan Province.
High school, college or graduate students make up the majority of our patient population, and relatively few children in junior high school. Because although many children have certain mental and psychological problems in primary school and junior high school, the situation is not serious, and they can still study and live relatively normally, and parents do not attach great importance to it.
In high school and college, children's mental and psychological symptoms are getting more and more serious, and even unable to go to school, parents have the consciousness to take them to see a psychiatric department. They went to many hospitals, saw many doctors and experts, and thought that the effect was not good, so they could come to us for treatment.
Therefore, there are not many junior high school children who come to see us for consultation, and Wei Jie is one of them.
Moreover, after 2 hours of interview, I found that from the perspective of mainstream psychiatry, Wei Jie actually did not meet the diagnostic criteria for common mental and psychological disorders such as depression and anxiety.
It is true that she was not diagnosed as a mental disorder by other psychiatrists, but because she always had stomachaches for a while, she was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome by the gastroenterology.
Since there is no mental and psychological disorder, why did she and her mother come to the consultation?
01. Junior high school girls are always entangled in interpersonal relationships
Wei Jie was born in a third-tier city, and not long after she was born, she was left in her hometown to be raised by her grandmother. It wasn't until she was 6 and a half years old that her parents took her to live with her.
Wei Jie's parents are highly educated, and her father is busy with work and is not good at communicating with his daughter, basically focusing on her mother to bring up and educate her children.
Her mother said that in her impression, her daughter was relatively free-range before the fifth grade of primary school, and the family did not give her too much pressure to study, but she did not consciously guide her daughter to develop good study habits.
In the fifth grade, facing the junior high school, her mother began to increase the learning tasks for Wei Jie. Wei Jie's study pressure suddenly increased, and her mood became irritable and easy to get angry. During those two years, she often had stomach pains, especially at night when she had heavy study tasks, and she was more anxious at school.
"At that time, I was too anxious, her study habits were not developed, and I pressurized, which caused her to have some difficulty in learning later, she couldn't learn, and she was very irritable," Wei Jie's mother said. She realized that something was wrong and began to decompress her daughter's studies, and Wei Jie's stomachache slowly eased. So in junior high school, Wei Jie was not so easy to get angry, and she was not too anxious in her studies, but she was very entangled in interpersonal relationships.
For example, if someone else accidentally said a word, she kept thinking, very anxious, maybe that day she will have a stomachache. It took a while for her to calm down. And she has relatively high requirements for others, it is difficult to make friends with deep feelings, and she always feels that she can't make girlfriends."
"I'm also reflecting that this may have something to do with us being parents. My personality is different from hers, she is very particular about whether she is interested in doing something, while I am more real, and I must do it well. The interpersonal communication of our family is also very simple, not very lively. My communication skills have been relatively weak since I was a child, and I had a few friends when I was a child, but not many. But I won't be as bothered by other people's unintentional words as she is. ”
"And her father, dad attaches great importance to work, the environment has not been very good in recent years, dad encounters some pressure at work, sometimes he will take it home. Dad usually doesn't pay much attention to her, and when she pays attention to learning, she must be dissatisfied with her father. ”
"And one more, I don't know if she'll have smile-type depression. Because she usually does not seem to have a feeling of depression, nor does she self-harm, but anxiety is obvious, she is very anxious about other people's unintentional words, how to make confidant friends, sometimes look at things a little extremely."
I interrupted Wei Jie's mother slightly, "So how is her academic performance?" Do you sleep well at night? ”
Wei Jie's mother continued: "Her grades in primary school are okay, and at the upper part of the class, the teacher recognizes her and says that she thinks well. But in the senior year, because I was pressurized, she had conflicts with me, she was not in a good mood, so she was not particularly willing to learn. Now in junior high school, her grades are average, and her own goal is to get to the top of the class, but her main focus is on the interpersonal aspect. ”
"If she sleeps, she can also sleep, but she always dreams, and the quality of sleep is not very good. She can now go to school normally, the spirit of the class is okay, some classes can concentrate, and some classes say that it is very tired and boring to listen to. She is also more conscious of writing homework, and she can keep up with the progress of learning overall. So she doesn't seem to have any big problems on the surface, but in fact, her state is not very good, her learning methods and enthusiasm are poor, and her interpersonal relationships are easy to be sensitive and anxious. ”
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"I often look at your public account, and I worry that the problem is not big now, but it will accumulate more and more. We are in a third-tier city, there are relatively few good resources in psychiatry, and she is more resistant to psychologists and afraid of taking Western medicine, so she has not seen the psychiatric department of a traditional hospital, and finally decided to take her to you to see."
Wei Jie's mother said above that her daughter has higher requirements for others, and I asked her to tell her the details.
"For example, in elementary school, we would take her to play with other children, and she would like to. But while playing, just pick others here is not good, there is not good, does not meet their own requirements, it is more nitpicking. Sometimes she makes a good friend, but after a while, she feels that the person is not good enough, and she will magnify other people's problems. She was eager to find a confidant, but couldn't find it, and I was confused as to why she was like this. ”
I briefly said two possibilities, "Regarding this interpersonal problem, she may have a certain social anxiety, and she is a little uneasy and fearful when interacting with people." Another possibility is that her mental age is more mature than her peers, she feels that other people are more naïve, and it is difficult to make friends she recognizes among her peers."
Wei Jie's mother thought for a while, "I think she may be the second, more mature than others, or she thinks she is more mature than others." She read a lot of books when she was a child, and I didn't let her use her phone until the fifth grade of elementary school, and she often read books at home. So she feels that she can't talk to many children, other children talk about stars, TV series, movies, she doesn't understand, there is no common topic.
"So she was more introverted and well-behaved in elementary school, and now she has become a little extroverted in junior high school." She actually knows how to open a topic with strangers, but as she chats, she feels that there is something wrong with others. It may be related to her reading books since she was a child and forming some of her own opinions. So sometimes it's people who want to make friends with her, but she doesn't want to. But she couldn't make friends and was uncomfortable, and she put her mood in a bad mood. ”
I noticed the detail of "reading a lot when I was a child", and asked Wei Jie about the type of books she read. "It's basically a child's book, not a philosophical type," her mother replied.
"So what does her dad think about her interpersonal problem?" , I asked.
"Her father's thinking is relatively simple and very orthodox. He thinks that children just want to learn, other things are not things, what is there in mind why can't we tell our parents? We take her out on the weekend, isn't it good to have fun, why do we have to value friendship so much? He couldn't understand. ”
"She had a conflict with her dad last week. She has a male classmate who plays well, and her father thinks that she is not studying well, and thinks that she is in love, and the two have a conflict. ”
This is indeed a very common, very traditional father, who has difficulty understanding the inner world of his child. "Children just study hard, why do you think so much about other things!" "What does it matter what people say, you just ignore them!" Many adults will understand children's interpersonal problems from the perspective of adults, in short, that is, do not understand it.
"What about Wei Jie's own opinion? Did she come voluntarily for this consultation? I asked again.
"I started reading your public account around 2021, and I often sent some articles to her. She thought she was fine, but then she realized that something was wrong. So she was willing to come. She also knows that she is easy to think cranky, one thing, one word from others, she can come up with 100 possibilities, she can't control it! ”
02, there are no good friends, the problem is actually herself
I asked Wei Jie's mother to wait in the rest area first, and I communicated with Wei Jie alone.
The child had never been to a psychiatrist or a psychiatrist, and as soon as he spoke, he was curious: "I feel strange to come here, I never thought I would have problems with this."
I couldn't help but laugh. I briefed her about myself, our organization, and she was a little restrained, her eyes didn't look at me, but she listened carefully.
"I just heard my mother tell you about you, but that's just her observation and guess. I'd love to know your real confusion and thoughts, anything goes", I asked her.
Wei Jie thought for a while and said, "Even in school, if I make a good friend, after playing with them for 1 or 2 months, I will suddenly feel that they are disgusting and annoying."
I was a little surprised, "Did something happen before you hated them?" ”
"No, just without warning, it feels like it will be like that when the time comes, I don't want to pay attention to them anymore." They also feel inexplicable."
"So when did you start feeling this way?"
"Well, I should have had it since elementary school, probably fifth or sixth grade, but at that time I didn't play with a person for a long time like junior high school, so it was more obvious in junior high school. I thought it was strange myself, but I couldn't think of a reason."
I also think it's strange, "Is it possible, when you play with friends, sometimes some of their words and deeds make you not like it very much, but you didn't say it at the time, endure, and you can't accept it more and more later, and you feel disgusting to others?" ”
"Not exactly, because there was a girl before, I liked to play with her, her three views are compatible with me, there is nothing wrong, but I just don't want to pay attention to her later."
"That's a bit of a mystery. Although you don't like friends anymore, you can't find a confidant friend, and you don't feel good in your heart and you're lonely, are you? ”
"Yes," Wei Jie nodded, and she added: "Also, my attention is not very good in class. After listening for 20 to 30 minutes, I can't listen anymore, I can't concentrate. So the grades were a bit affected."
"Do you feel pressured if your grades are not satisfactory?" , I asked.
"Not really. Because I feel that I really work hard in terms of study, not perfunctory, and if I work harder, my grades can be raised again, so there is not much pressure. The main thing is that the matter of making friends annoys me. ”
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I asked Wei Jie to score again, "If the stress and troubles in your current life, such as from studying, making friends, and from your parents, is a total of 100 points, then what do you think are the proportion of these sources?" ”
She thought for a moment and said, "Learning accounts for 30%, interpersonal communication is 40%, and parents are 30%. If you divide the parents' one again, then the father accounts for 20 and the mother accounts for 10. ”
"My dad is mainly like this, I have some friends of the opposite sex who play well, sometimes go out together to chat and drink something, my dad thinks I'm in a relationship, which affects my grades. In fact, when I was growing up, he didn't care much about me, and when he did, he just let me study hard, not manage substantive things, and it was easy to compare me with others and make sense. ”
"Sometimes I can't stand it and I really want to talk to him seriously and solve the problem because I'm really angry. As a result, he jokingly dodged and ran away, and the problem was still there. Looking back, he also said that I didn't solve the problem! ”
"As for my mom, in fifth grade, my main pressure came from my mom, she forced me to study, but then she changed and I was much better. In fact, she is very good to me, but I don't know why, I have an invisible pressure when I am with her, but it is not particularly strong, and I can't tell clearly. ”
"Probably because she used to hit me all the time, like when I was a kid I liked stickers that little kids played with, sparkling and with some gems on them. Other people's mothers will say that this thing is very beautiful, and my mother will say that this thing is very inferior, and you will die ugly if you put it on it. And in kindergarten, other parents told their children that there was Santa Claus, and my mother said that Santa Claus was a lie. There are a lot of things like this that often hit me. ”
Wei Jie said about her mother, and I took her words, "Just now your mother told me that before the fifth grade of primary school, she was free-range for you? ”
"Nope!" Wei Jie immediately corrected, "She began to force me to endorse in the third grade, but I didn't want to, so she scolded me, and I was very sad and had to memorize." I hate endorsements, and I hate them now, I don't like history and politics, I hate memorizing historical significance, political significance, but I don't exclude reading articles by famous writers. ”
"Wasn't the first two years an epidemic? I spend a lot of time at home, so I read foreign masterpieces, "Gone with the Wind", "Jane Eyre", "Notre Dame de Paris" and those. Before I was in the fifth grade, I liked to read a set of books, a set of philosophical enlightenment books from 1 to 16 years old, which basically said what to do when we encounter something. ”
It seems that Wei Jie's mother does not know so much about the books her daughter reads, but Wei Jie still comes into contact with some books on philosophy. "Then do you now feel that most of your peers around you are naïve?"
"It's just that they like to play some games, King Glory or something, I find it difficult to understand, it's just that there is a sense of distance from them," Wei Jie said.
"So do you demand more from others when you are in interpersonal communication?" Will there even be some mental hygiene? I asked.
"It's not to the point of mental cleanliness, but the requirements are higher." I would feel a little lonely at school, but I wouldn't feel that way when I was alone outside of school. Sometimes our teachers scold people and scold very strangely, and I will complain with my classmates. For example, when I eat in class, the class teacher said that I have problems with my three views and personality. ”
"Oh, of course it's wrong for us to eat in class, do you think the teacher can criticize you and stop you, but you can't rise to the level of three views and character because of this matter, right?"
"Yes, the teachers at school didn't make me feel awe-inspiring."
"Just now you said that you have a friend of the opposite sex who plays better, and Dad thinks that you are in a relationship, so did you explain it to your parents later? Will you get along with him for 1 or 2 months as you say, and then you won't pay attention to him? I asked.
"I belong to the kind of person who can talk to him, my mother can accept it, she thinks you can talk about it, but my father doesn't like it." He and I just sometimes complain about the teacher and say things that have common topics, because everyone looks at things from the same perspective, but not very often. The kind of good friends I just talked about are the kind that often play together, chat after class, and walk together after school, and I can't stand it in 1 or 2 months. ”
I also have a question, "Just now my mother said that when you encounter interpersonal things, you think more about it, what is the specific situation?" ”
"It's like, for example, I joined a club at school, but a girl targeted me behind my back. I felt very annoyed and wanted to quit the club, but I thought of many, many reasons and struggled with what kind of reason I should use to quit the club. ”
I talked with Wei Jie for a while and learned more details. After a short break, I brought her and her mother back to provide my initial analysis.
03. Her parents made 2 mistakes in home education
Wei Jie is one of the more special adolescent patients we treat, because her emotional problems are very mild, there is no obvious insomnia, and there is no obvious impairment of social functions such as learning, life, and social interaction. Although she had physical symptoms of stomachache in the fifth grade of primary school because of high study pressure, it disappeared when the pressure was less, and now she only occasionally appears because of anxiety due to interpersonal relationships.
According to the diagnostic criteria of mainstream psychiatry, she could not be diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorders could not be reached, and there were no characteristics of smile-type depression. If you have to follow mainstream psychiatry to make the next diagnosis, you may have the next "anxiety state".
If we look at the multidisciplinary diagnosis and treatment model (MDT) that combines psychiatry, scientific psychology and education, it belongs to the etiological diagnosis we propose - post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSRD). She has suffered a certain amount of superimposed psychological trauma, but the degree is less and the number is small, so the symptoms she shows are also mild, and they do not reach the level of mental and psychological disorders.
However, I think the consciousness that Wei Jie's mother attaches great importance to is very rare.
Although Wei Jie's problem is not serious now, strictly speaking, she is not a mental disorder patient, but if you do not pay attention to solving the root problem, psychological trauma is easy to accumulate. At a certain level, she is likely to suffer from mental and psychological disorders, which is a process of quantitative change to qualitative change, and many parents just ignore this.
In addition, it is relatively certain that Wei Jie has obvious learning disabilities and low learning efficiency, especially for liberal arts subjects with more memorization content, and the attention time in class does not meet her personal expectations.
She also has a bit of a sensitive and suspicious paranoid personality, and a bit of a compulsive personality that pursues perfection, but neither is serious and does not reach the level of personality change.
She has a bit of social anxiety when it comes to relationships, but not the kind of anxiety that is afraid to deal with people. Instead, she is worried that she cannot find a long-term, stable girlfriend, so she will feel lonely in school.
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So how did Wei Jie's problem come about? We generally analyze from the three main lines of family, school and society. However, Wei Jie is a junior high school student and has relatively little social impact, so it is mainly home and school, as well as some information she has been exposed to.
In the family she grew up in, her parents were highly educated, and although there were not many quarrels between parents, there were not many warm and harmonious exchanges. Before the age of 6 and a half, Wei Jie mainly lived with her grandmother and was far away from her parents. Although she returned to her parents after entering elementary school, the parent-child gap certainly still exists.
Moreover, when Wei Jie was in her lower grades, although her parents did not put pressure on her and were more "Buddhist", they did not pay attention to having in-depth and spiritual communication with their daughters. Dad is busy with work, either ignore her, or just talk about the big reason and let her study hard; The mother's personality is more real, lack of liveliness, and some things are easy to hit the childlike heart of the daughter. The gap between parents and children has not been well repaired.
In the third grade of elementary school, my mother began to grab her endorsement, and scolded her if she didn't memorize it. This condition certainly does not happen only once or twice, which is a very obvious superimposed psychological trauma. Her resistance to liberal arts and endorsement mainly comes from here.
In the fifth grade, her mother put more pressure on her, and Wei Jie felt more painful, frequently experiencing physical symptoms in the digestive tract. Fortunately, the mother was not ignorant and depressed her daughter in time, so she did not deteriorate at that time.
So in general, although Wei Jie's parents didn't beat her, they didn't scold much, and her mother was even more open-minded, neither parent could really enter the child's heart. She doesn't like her father, and she feels invisible pressure around her mother, and she can't open her heart and talk about everything with her parents, and have deep communication.
Children need understanding, attention, and emotional connection from others as they grow up, so what do they do when they don't get this emotional satisfaction at home? They tend to turn to the outside world, showing that they are particularly concerned about friendships with their peers and especially want to make friends who are inseparable from each other.
Therefore, Wei Jie's father said to his daughter from the perspective of an adult, "What is in his heart, why can't he tell his parents?" Do you have to take friendship so seriously? Such an understanding is putting the cart before the horse. Wei Jie couldn't tell her parents because she couldn't talk to her heart, and she couldn't understand her parents, so she took friendship so seriously.
However, when she turned her emotional appeal to the outside world, she encountered difficulties again.
It is likely that it is related to the set of philosophy books she read when she was a child, and she likes to read very much, and she reads famous books, and usually rarely touches online games, TV series and other popular entertainment. This caused her psychological age to be more mature than her peers, she did not know what her classmates liked, and was unwilling to understand, lacked common topics, and the scope of making friends was suddenly much narrower.
There were fewer people who could have met her dating requirements, and finally found a friend, with the same three views, like-minded, and played together for 1 or 2 months, she would suddenly feel that her friend was "very disgusting", unable to socialize, and became alone again.
As for why she suddenly felt "sick to her friends", this is currently a mystery. I think it's possible that she had frequent contact with friends as soon as she found them, chatted together after class, and carried her schoolbag with her bag after school. Two people who grow up in different families, even if the three views are the same, there will be some different concepts and behaviors.
It is possible that when Wei Jie was dating her friends, there were a few moments when she did not approve of some of her friends' words and deeds, but they were not serious, and she didn't think so much, and it passed at once. But when the disapproval accumulated to a certain extent, coupled with the fact that the two had been inseparable for 1 or 2 months, there might be some boredom, and Wei Jie suddenly didn't want to pay attention to her friends anymore.
Of course, this is just a guess from mine and is not necessarily accurate. But what is certain is that her problem is not born, but stems from superimposed psychological trauma. She doesn't remember the reason for this at the explicit memory level. To solve the case, she needs to use deep hypnosis pathological memory repair technology (TPMIH) to find the real cause in her implicit memory.
So, at least from the information obtained from the interview, I think Wei Jie's parents made two mistakes in family education.
First, the two failed to really enter the child's heart and establish a truly close and harmonious parent-child relationship with the child, especially the father, who did not know how to understand the child. Although Wei Jie is psychologically mature, no matter how mature people are, they also need to communicate emotionally with the outside world, so she especially wants to find a girlfriend.
Second, when Wei Jie was in elementary school, her parents inadvertently let her read a set of books on philosophical enlightenment. This point actually has pros and cons, the advantage is that she can see things more deeply than her peers, has her own independent thinking and ideas, and is not easy to follow others, which is a good thing.
But the disadvantage is that she is equivalent to a dimension higher than her peers, and even seems out of place when getting along with her peers, and she feels very lonely. Moreover, this set of philosophical enlightenment books may be difficult to explain the truth thoroughly, deeply and objectively, and she is negatively affected to a certain extent, so she is a little extreme and sensitive in looking at problems and other people's words and deeds, and a little nitpicking about others.
In short, her parents failed to be mentors to their daughters or guide them on how to make good friends in the outside world. Wei Jie is lonely, she wants to make friends very much, but she can't make stable good friends, which is her most confused point.
So for her situation, how to break the dilemma? I'll continue my analysis in tomorrow's article and provide some in-depth advice.