Be your own mind catcher

Wen | Week week

The first time K first came to me for counseling was a year ago, her face was gray, her eyes were melancholy, her eye sockets were sunken, and she said that she was 27 years old, but she looked like 35 years old. Many people think that being a counselor is a process of accepting emotional venting and carrying mental pain, and this understanding is correct, but not all right. My understanding is that psychological counseling is more of a process that accompanies the client from darkness to light. There is a word called "teaching and learning", from the little K, you can see a person's unlimited potential and self-healing ability.

The first time I consulted, Little K opened the conversation box and said in one breath for half an hour: she was doing audit work, so she was particularly sensitive to time and numbers. I heard several emotional keywords from her gushing words: angry, scared, helpless. I asked her: Which emotion are you willing to face first? She said: Angry. I was so angry with my husband, he didn't pay much, he had a lot of debts, and he left early and didn't care about his children every day. It is precisely because the husband is so irresponsible that the child is timid and fragile, cries a hundred times a day, has a short temper, and cannot sleep peacefully at night...

"So what is your ideal husband's state?" I asked. She said: I want him to change, but he won't do counseling or spend time with his children, so my children are like they don't have a father.

Usually, people are immersed in pain not because they have the ability to get out of it, but because they lack purpose. So together we look for Little K's goal. She has three goals: to maintain marriage, to provide quality companionship to her children, and to take care of herself 100 percent.

In the following year, we all revolved around these three goals, and the process seemed extremely slow.

The first is Little K's attitude towards her husband. Her husband was busy and socializing all day, and she didn't believe it at first, and even despised it, but since it was useless, it was better to choose to believe. Doubt and belief are completely different energies, if you doubt the other half, you will inevitably search, will interrogate, the result is naturally to create contradictions, the distance between the two people is getting farther and farther. And believing is positive energy, and the other half is relaxed, confident, and comfortable. When the wife remains in such a state, the husband can certainly feel it for the first time.

After consulting for half a year, Xiao K found that he was still indignant: her husband did not come back until two o'clock last night, and her daughter could not see him every day. In the past, Little K would wake her husband up from bed and argue with reason, so that her daughter would witness her parents arguing and be frightened like a wounded bird. Slowly, she began to stop the loss in time, no longer arguing, maybe taking her daughter out for a good meal, or dealing with it cold. Don't underestimate this progress, it can make the daughter's sense of security slowly recover.

In the process of accompanying children, I focus on reminding Little K not to blindly listen to books, not to pull back the other half of the struggle in the front line, to accompany the children together, or to be flexible and changeable, when accompanying the children, go all out, do not pass on regrets and complaints to the children. I asked Little K, if you say to your child, "You have a very irresponsible father", is it happiness or pressure on the child? She said: It's pressure.

The child was left alone, and it wasn't her fault. If this person is "too much for the other half" in the process of accompanying the child, what kind of experience does this process give to the child? The experience was: I had neither a dad nor a mom. Because one of them was not at home, and the other's heart flew to that one, little K suddenly realized.

In fact, the third issue is more important, taking care of yourself 100%.

When we have emotions, such as anger, sadness, sadness, anxiety, etc., the most common reaction is: it is all someone else's fault. The fault of the partner, the fault of the leader, the fault of the friend, the fault of the child, the fault of society... It seems logical, but it is dangerous. Because when we attribute all our mistakes to others, it is equivalent to us thinking that our emotions are the responsibility of others, and I am a person who is incapable of taking responsibility for myself.

Little K deeply realized this, the leader performance evaluation gave a low score, she will be extremely angry, eager to scold him and then resign and go home. The mother-in-law said that the dishes she bought were not good, and she thought that the mother-in-law was unreasonable to pick and choose. The child is picky about eating, and she is very anxious... Every day she experienced dozens of emotions, until one day she passed out in the unit and was taken to the hospital for emergency treatment, and she began to think: What is wrong with all this.

I asked her: How have you taken care of yourself in the past twenty years or so? For example, diet, exercise, and more importantly, emotions. She said: "I don't care about eating, I rarely exercise, I have a lot of emotions every day.

It turned out that she didn't take good care of herself. This reflection allows something that is immersed in the subconscious to emerge, and each appearance is an integration and cleanup. Little K slowly paid attention to himself and really felt himself.

The day before yesterday was the day that Little K received counseling for a full year. I have been isolated at home for more than twenty days, and my state is not good enough, but as soon as I turn on the camera, I can see the radiant face of little K.

If there is a possibility of instant healing in this world, I admit that at that moment I was healed by Little K. She told her recent situation, not a little confusion: most of the family loans were repaid, her husband raised her salary, she basically stayed at home with her children on weekends, and went to the park together in good weather; the child became much more emotionally stable and closer to her; and the relationship with the leader became better, because she was no longer impulsive and willful, but worked harder, and the leader appreciated her more.

I asked Little K: How do you think these changes came about now? She said: It's because I've changed, my mindset has changed, my beliefs have changed, so everything around me has changed.

The old saying that a person has the ascension of a chicken dog to heaven, which seems to be a bit of a sarcastic meaning, in fact, from another point of view, if this "Tao" is understood as "love", when a person really has the ability to love, including self-love and the ability to love him, then the entire family system will also be upgraded and become truly harmonious and beautiful.