I want to say to my mothers: Please be selfish

Mother's Day, this year suddenly wanted to write such a tweet, to write to moms.

In the following content, there is no discussion of the worldview, or the truth of the outlook on life, or the praise of values.

Yes, just some words from the heart.

To state in advance, my current identity is simply a daughter, and the identity of "mother" is at least several years away from me, and even, if there is no accident, I will probably have no connection with the identity of "mother" in this life.

So, moms can see me as a "selfish daughter."

Isn't there already a hint of luck that I'm not your daughter? But I think you should also be curious about what a selfish daughter like me thinks of her mother.

"Please Answer 1988"

When I was growing up, I actually felt disillusioned more than once, that is, I found that the "ideal mother" and the "actual mother" were very different.

Break the news of a bit of a careful machine, now look back I think I can make up a talk show paragraph.

When I was in elementary school, because I liked to watch cartoons, one of the plots was like this: Christmas Eve hanging Christmas stockings at the bedside, and the next day I would receive gifts. I did the same, and the next day I didn't receive anything.

But in fact, who doesn't know that in the cartoon, parents play the role of Santa Claus and secretly put gifts into Christmas stockings? We all know in the first grade of elementary school that we just want to receive gifts from our parents.

However, what I didn't know at that time was that mothers were also divided into mothers who understood romance and mothers who did not understand romance. And my mom happens to be a mom who doesn't understand romance. So my Christmas stockings hanging from my bed were empty, and my table mates received gifts from "Santa Claus."

Don't be surprised, it's not just parents who see "other people's children" in their eyes. In the eyes of children, there are also "other people's mothers". It's just that the definition of "other people's home" is different for everyone.

Some people feel that a "good mother" should be a mother, to be strong, to be kind, to be understanding, to put the family first, to have their own career... Failure to meet such expectations creates disappointment.

All of this, I think, is more like a fantasy. If we look at the concept of Jungian psychology, this is a collective subconscious.

However, have you ever thought about how much of what we ask of a "good mother" comes from social stereotypes and how much comes from a mother's true personality?

When we say every day to "be ourselves" and ask society to see us as "independent individuals" and not to impose stereotypes on ourselves, how many reasonable or unreasonable expectations do we place on our parents at the same time?

The first thing I want to say to my moms is: Please keep being yourself.

Although the relationship between parents and children is a blessing in this life, it cannot be chosen or changed. However, it does not mean that they should be tied to each other deadly.

I remember a few years ago, Teacher Fei shared his relationship with his daughter at a sharing meeting. The most impressive sentence, Teacher Fei said that he felt that he had the responsibility to raise his daughter, because he brought her to this world, but her daughter did not have the responsibility to support him later.

The sharing session that day gave me a lot of inspiration. In particular, my relationship with my mother is very good, but there are also intricate "love-hate feelings" in the good.

I reflected on myself, from childhood to adulthood, in fact, invisibly I inherited some of my mother's advantages and disadvantages, such as her attitude when she encountered problems, the sophistication of people when treating others, and even some expectations for life.

In the past, when I was rebellious, I felt that my relationship with my mother was to restrain and bind each other. But now, I feel that my relationship with my mother is actually learning from each other and achieving each other.

Therefore, whether it is a mother or a daughter, in fact, it should be an independent individual first, and then a mother or daughter.

"Please Answer 1988"

The second heartfelt word I want to say to my mothers is: Please love yourself first, and then love us.

It is difficult to deny that we are subject to social and cultural constraints from the moment we are born and establish a relationship with our parents. We all know the world directly through the language of our parents, and their language does not originate from themselves, but from the language of socialization and the countless knowledge laid down in the world.

It can be seen that even if we do not deliberately do it, there are already various fantasies and ideals in our consciousness.

Not only do we have fantasies about our mothers, but from another perspective, I think mothers also have fantasies about themselves.

This fantasy may be based on the need for a sense of presence or value, the belief that the child cannot live without the mother, and that he must make some aspect of self-sacrifice.

In a Korean drama I like very much, "Please Answer 1988", there is an episode that tells that the leopard lady will go back to her mother's house for a few days, and when she leaves, she repeatedly explains to her husband and two sons: confirm the gas, the toilet in the bathroom must be pressed hard, the small dishes in the refrigerator must be eaten today, and when it rains, remember to collect clothes...

Before leaving, he took three steps and turned his head, lest the moment he turned his back, the three grandfathers would die because they would not take care of themselves.

"Please Answer 1988"

Two days later, Ms. Leopard came home and found that the house was clean and tidy, and her husband and son were living well, simply impeccable.

The husband said: "Wife, we are doing well, you are not here, we are not inconvenient at all, rest assured, don't worry." The leopard lady looked bitter and sullenly went back to the bedroom.

The younger son asked his friend doubtfully, "Why is she not happy?" The cleaning, dish washing, laundry was perfect, the briquettes were changed, and the dishes that my mother told us to eat were finished. Mom didn't even have to move her fingers. ”

Friends said that it was not because you were tidying up, but because you were so neat that your mother felt that even without her, the whole family could live well.

Subsequently, the younger son went home and pushed down the honeycomb coal in the house, deliberately scalded his brother's hand, turned the room into a mess, and then shouted to his mother for help.

While cleaning up the road, my mother thought in pieces: "Oh, it's really a wrongdoer, how can you live without me, you can't do anything well." "But apparently, that cheerful mother is back.

This episode, I really laughed at it, because it was so real, and the same plot seemed to have happened to my mother.

Being needed and dependent is probably the fantasy of mothers about the identity of "mother".

It seems to be paying everything to clean up the "mess", but in essence, it is to make up for their emotional lack by satisfying their families, thus finding a sense of existence and value.

"Please Answer 1988"

It is precisely because we have illusions about each other that we, as children, seem to have become accustomed to using double standards to demand of our mothers.

Perhaps the culture is always singing the praises of a kind of selfless dedication of maternal love, or perhaps subconsciously the mother should give her entire life for her children.

We always complain that when we are hungry for freedom, we complain that our mother is left and right, and there are too many constraints. And always when I need to take care of it, I hope that my mother will be like a shadow, right around.

But mother is really just your identity in this world. The focus of everyone's life is still themselves, isn't it?

The first half of my life has been bound by various responsibilities, and now it is time to relax and enjoy life well. Who lives without something they really want to do?

When we sing the praises of maternal love, we are also deepening our expectations of maternal love. Sometimes I really hope that every mother can not be burdened by the identity of a mother.

You don't have to be selfless and great, I think you have your own life, be a simple and happy little woman.

And, I've always believed that a mother who loves herself enough is likely to have a son/daughter who loves herself enough.

"Please Answer 1988"

- till next time -

Do you have any words？

Don't you dare to tell your mother in person?

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Write it down in today's [Message Area].

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"Su Dongpo's Healingism"

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