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1, raise children to leave blank
Psychological counseling often mentions blank spaces in interactions, and the same is true for real relationships.
Blank space is to leave space for another person's mental actions, and to promote the other person's introspective actions and mental processes.
It's like there's a blank chessboard in a silent space where everyone can drop a drop, and everyone's drop should be related to the other person's last drop.
There follows a special rule that is invisible but clearly felt, and the rhythm of the two falls is the degree of harmony of the interaction between the two people.
However, the degree of blank space varies from person to person.
For people with poor self-regulation, excessive blank space can destroy coordination in interaction.
This otherwise safe space will become an uneasy place without echoes, overwhelmed, or forced to keep dropping to fill the space.
This is also why some visitors have something to say every time, and suddenly they don't come when they talk.
Because he actually wants to be "interrupted" and invited in another way, the counselor mistakenly thinks that the other party is happy to settle down.
Another negative is the lack of white space, when the other party can produce action, because of the lack of that little bit of space redundancy and can not be made.
For example, give an explanation before hearing the other party's answer, and make a conclusion before the inquiry.
In this way, the subject of the other party is not invited, he is just a peripheral viewer, a silent audience under the stage, a patch or plug-in.
This is also why in parent-child parenting, when the will of the parents is absolutely dominant, the subjectivity of the child will be deprived of instrumentality.
This is equivalent to mass production of "good children" who always put the subjectivity of others at the core of the space.
When the interaction takes place, there is a shared mental space between the two people, where each person can fill in some movements or just stay there and do nothing.
Once something goes wrong with this space, whether it is expression or silence, it may be conveying the brokenness itself.
And when it's safe there, whatever you do or don't do, you can live in peace.
It's like when two people can stay together without deliberately saying anything, but they can say anything.
In reality, in most parent-child relationships, the blank space is insufficient.
Parents are eager to reason, make suggestions, and instill experience in their children in the hope that their children will grow up as quickly as possible.
However, with such a blank and insufficient parenting, the main body of the child is deprived and autonomy cannot be developed.
This is a roadblock on the road to children's growth, and it is also one of the sources of a series of problems in children.
2, the essence of interpersonal relationships is projection and identification
If you respect yourself and love yourself very much, you will also teach others to do this to you.
If you're used to courting others, you'll lead them to treat you like a second-class citizen.
Conversely, when you see a person with self-esteem and self-confidence, you unconsciously give the other person more respect.
If this person will only please you, you may also look down on him more and more.
3) Spoiling is essentially a compliment to others
Many people do not coddle, and coddling is essentially a kind of praise for others.
When you are spoiled, the subtext is that the other person is strong, which will stimulate the other party to feel good.
Whether it is verbal "you are good or bad" or physical touch, the other party is pinched in the air of laughter.
4. After the children go to primary school, the mothers learn to shut up
After your child goes to elementary school, moms close your mouths as much as possible and become the heroes behind the scenes.
You only use it in the family and maintain a good mood because you are the needle of the family.
Your emotions are the best gift for him.
5) Don't be a killer who destroys your child's self-esteem
Early in life, many people's self-esteem and confidence are not adequately nourished, which leads them to live like the walking dead throughout their lives.
The root cause of this tragedy may lie in the fact that in their infancy, well-meaning adults did not realize the importance of allowing children to discover self-worth, and nipped the bud of self-esteem in the cradle.
Such people often lack self-esteem and don't know how to motivate others because they themselves don't know what motivation is.
They don't see their right to change their lives through choices.
They are driven by the outside, believing that they are powerless to control life and can only passively resign themselves to the arrangements of fate.
They see themselves as victims of powerless resistance, most likely caused by the authoritarian upbringing of their parents.
They believe that when a door is closed to them, the whole life loses its possibility;
They didn't know that another door might be quietly opening for them.
How much pain a person with low self-esteem will experience in their lifetime, and low self-esteem can be passed on to the next generation.
How does she give her child something she doesn't even have?
The most important decision we can make about ourselves is to believe that we deserve happiness.
In many families, self-esteem killers are passed down from generation to generation.
When I mentioned this in my lectures, I heard many examples of very creative and devastating self-esteem killers.
One woman said that every time she and her sister brought back a single photo taken from school as a child, her father would always say this: "If you put your photos face down under the mattress, you will definitely scare the rats half to death." ”
Another person heard a father say to his son, "Nathan, you're going to be the kid in this year's birth control poster." ”
Another said, "If you don't like living here, live somewhere else." ”
When a child is surrounded by such a self-esteem killer in the process of growing up, he will naturally become the self-esteem killer of others in the subtle.
They may not be aware of this destructive quality of themselves at all.
We all need to be vigilant about this and avoid passing it on to the next generation.
In essence, self-esteem killers are a form of destruction of the happiness of others and therefore an act of abuse.
——Excerpt from "Two-Way Parenting"