My daughter was once a light in my life, illuminating my ordinary life and making me proud.
But the daughter under the light and shadow does not have the courage and opportunity to be herself.
Her growth, preferences, studies, diet, and routine are all under my control.
In the second semester of the second semester of junior high school, my daughter was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive + anxiety disorder, and it turned out that the "excellent girl" did not shine.
Pain, confusion, and fear enveloped me, and I had to grope, change, remove the shell of a strong mother in the past, and seriously "see" my child and feel her heart.
The road stumbled and stumbled, and finally we slowly found what we had lost.
01
I am a person who strives for perfection and competes.
This personality drove me to forge ahead, all the way from the town to a university, and finally successfully settled in a first-tier city.
Compared to my childhood playmates who stayed in small towns, my life was a "success."
Therefore, the value of studying well to change my destiny has been deeply rooted in my heart.
After becoming a mother, I was also a kind of strong, strict tiger mother.
Since I was a child, I have made many rules and made various demands for her.
Urge her daughter to study every day, not allow her daughter to be lazy, and constantly ask her to work hard and work harder.
Not allowed, not allowed, not praised, not affirmed.....
Always keep an eye on the child, and control the child if there is a mistake.
My daughter was afraid that I would be angry, so even if she was reluctant, she would obediently do it.
In those years, I always raised my children in the way I thought was right.
And my daughter did not fail to live up to my cultivation, smart and sensible, excellent grades, and polite.
Whenever other parents are full of envy and ask me for educational experience, I am humble on the surface, but proud in my heart.
Because the daughter is the object of praise and praise from relatives and friends, the so-called "children of other people's families".
It wasn't until my daughter was in her second year of junior high school that I gradually realized that something was wrong.
02
Since the first semester of the first semester, her daughter has changed the habit of completing homework carefully and obediently preparing for revision, but constantly procrastinates and resists learning.
I can't understand: this is the most critical stage, you still don't want to study hard, what do you think? The bigger it is, the more ignorant it is!
In the face of my rebuke, my daughter evaded my eyes and did not say a word.
But the situation did not improve, on the contrary, the daughter's boredom became more and more intense, and even a few times did not write homework.
I scolded my daughter, but she cried and complained to me:
Why do other people's children get praise from parents when they enter the top ten? And I'll just say it!
Waiting for me, there will always be endless volumes that cannot be written every day, and problems that cannot be completed!
"Other people's parents have low requirements, that's someone else's business." Why don't you compare with the good, but with the bad? ”
"I'm all for your own good, you work hard now, it doesn't matter if you suffer a little, when you grow up, you will know your mother's hard heart!" 」
I firmly believe that even if my daughter does not understand me now, she will definitely benefit from studying well in the future.
In the second semester of the second semester of junior high school, my daughter intermittently had symptoms of physical discomfort. She always said chest tightness and stomach upset.
I took her to the hospital for a full examination, but there was no organic problem, so I didn't take it seriously.
On that day, a sensational thing happened in the community.
A 16-year-old boy quarreled with his parents because of his studies, and in the end, out of control, he not only hit his father with his hands, but also jumped down from his home on the 3rd floor.
Fortunately, it was just a broken foot, nothing was too big a deal.
I said with emotion: How can today's children be so ignorant? Parents say a few words to you, hit you a few times, aren't they all for your own good? How can you still beat your own father and hurt yourself!
The daughter's face was calm: What's the fuss? Sometimes standing by the window, I also think about what will happen if I jump down? It's not fun to be alive.
The negative thoughts that the child suddenly revealed made my husband and I panic.
The next day, I took her to the hospital. Eventually, he was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder + anxiety disorder, and a certain tendency to depression.
The doctor prescribed medicine and told me to pay attention to my daughter's mental health and not to put so much pressure on the child.
I calmly took my daughter home, but I cried in front of my husband.
My husband couldn't help but complain to me: You just managed too strictly, and I said you wouldn't listen to me before. What I saw was not a mother who loved her children, but a supervisor staring at her children.
I tried to defend myself a few words, but I was speechless.
Those days, whenever I saw my daughter's loveless look, I felt a deep fear,
If I continue, my daughter has somewhat extreme behavior, how can I bear it!
03
My husband's words reminded me that my daughter's accusations against me in the past must have been something wrong, and the child would be sick.
I decided to change myself and look for professional help. In the process, I not only met experienced and empathetic teachers, but also met many mothers like me.
Through learning, reflecting, and adjusting, gradually, my anxious emotions were alleviated, and under the guidance of the teacher, I understood the causes and consequences of the problem.
All along, I have been in a strict and harsh education model, under the banner of "good for the children", using my mother's identity to constantly persecute and demand children.
Although my heart is indeed for the good of the child. But what the child feels is a mother who is only reasonable and lacks empathy!
My high demands, anxiety and unstable emotions have caused deep impact and harm to the child.
Even when my daughter was in pain and already had symptoms of depression and anxiety, she was still very concerned about my emotions, often suppressing herself, hoping to make me satisfied:
"Mom, are you angry again?"
"Mom, are you disappointed again, I'll cheer up."
Now that I think about it, it hurts that children understand things!
The teacher told me that all this I did, like many mothers of big chicken babies, came from deep fear and anxiety.
Because I am afraid of the detours on the road of children's growth, I am afraid that children have no good future, I am afraid that children will make mistakes, I dare not face uncertainty and change, I am afraid that I cannot control everything.
"Adolescent children are emotionally turbulent, highly sensitive inside, and the incomprehension and high pressure from their parents will make children unable to bear in the face of difficulties, and their inner drive will be destroyed." At the same time as losing himself, he also lost the enthusiasm and vitality that should have belonged to him at this age. ”
"There are always many concerns about inner confinement and doing things, and the needs at the bottom cannot be met, which eventually leads to a lack of motivation to learn, and symptoms of boredom, compulsion, and anxiety occur."
It turns out that the problems of children are actually the inevitable result of our high requirements, strong control and other unscientific education methods.
It's just that some children "onset the disease early" and are exposed to adolescence, which is manifested as school aversion, rebellion, and depression;
And some children may be affected by adulthood and need to spend a lifetime healing.
04
Under the guidance of the teacher, I constantly reflected, grew, and began the road of change and redemption.
1. Save yourself first, and then save your children
Before my daughter fell ill, I never thought that parents would have to study.
It was also in the process of learning from the teacher that I deeply realized how far-reaching harm and impact I had caused to my children in the past ten years.
As a mother, I have always been emotionally unstable, especially when faced with my daughter's studies.
The daughter is also fully controlled, the child from childhood to adulthood, whether it is learning or life is my arrangement,
If my daughter doesn't do what I want, I get angry and angry, so that the child submits to me and listens to me.
I remembered a sentence my daughter said to me, she said, "Mom, you are the overlord of our family." ”
Now, in the face of a child who was once so obedient and excellent, and now with pain and pain, I want to make a complete change.
The teacher told me that a positive mother can give her child strength.
I began to let go of my inner anxiety, stabilize my emotions, and make myself positive and positive.
I took back the time I had spent on kids and learning to revise my heart and keep growing.
Then use your own positive energy to influence and drive the transformation of children.
2. See the real needs of the child's heart and fully accept it
After the child was diagnosed with compulsion and anxiety, I let go of the control over her, and she completely let go of herself.
After taking a month's leave, her daughter's work and rest time was reversed in the morning, and she was accompanied by mobile phones and computers every day.
If it is in the past, seeing children play games and look at mobile phones every day, I can be anxious to the point of madness, and I will immediately reprimand my daughter.
It is also this kind of education method of compulsory control and soft requirements that hurts the daughter at the same time, but also destroys the parent-child relationship.
Now, through a period of study and reflection on the past problems, I truly understand the suffering of children from the heart.
All along, I have been using the "pick-and-error" education method to seriously hit my daughter's self-confidence;
My coercive control made it impossible for her to find herself;
And I have long ignored my daughter's psychological needs, leaving her emotions with no outlet and unhappiness.
I began to examine what the child really longed for in his heart, no longer anxious to control,
Instead, let go for the time being, and fully let the daughter adjust and repair it herself.
Only when he sees the child's real needs, can the child slowly recover his mental strength and find himself again.
In this way, in an environment without pressure and judgment, the daughter was fully satisfied and relaxed.
3, the mother first made changes, and then affected the child's good development
At first, the symptoms of anxiety and compulsion were more obvious, and she actually wanted to go back to school, but because of lack of energy, every struggle ended in failure.
I think that the key to whether my daughter can restore her confidence and improve her mental strength is still me.
Only when I make a complete and complete change can I have the ability to actively guide my child and be born to the sun!
I remind myself every day to work hard according to a few points taught by the teacher in class:
First of all, live in the present, do not worry about the future, full of positive expectations for the future, but also give the daughter a sense of hope;
Second, accept, accept, and accept your child from the bottom of your heart! Catch up with the ups and downs of her emotions, the changes in her psychology, accept her state and thoughts, accept her all.
At the same time, do not correct the child's thoughts and words and deeds, and focus on the child's strengths.
Do just three things a day: affirmation, encouragement, support!
Start small, guide your daughter to experience the feeling of success, and help your child reactivate motivation.
In the end, from a strong and all-powerful mother, to a weak mother who needs to ask for her daughter's advice and help.
Let the child have a sense of value at the same time, slowly generate energy in the heart.
As the days passed, I felt my daughter slowly regaining her strength.
From the original self-denial, restlessness, became starting to insist on their own views, began to complain, began to express their feelings...
She can be aware of some of her and mine's problems and take the initiative to think about how to solve them, such as the problem of resting at home, the problem of being used to being demanding of herself...
In the process of dialogue, I realized that in fact, the child has always been assertive, but I have been ruthlessly suppressed.
She is slowly recovering, slowly regaining herself..... I believe that my daughter will one day be rejuvenated and return to a good position!
Only this time, the daughter's excellence and hard work are motivated by the heart, not from the outside command.
Now, although the daughter has not fully recovered, she has returned to school, and everything is developing for the better.
And all of this happened after I took the initiative to change, grow, and accept.
As the teacher said: the speed at which parents change determines the speed at which children repair.
I think that I will not stop learning and growing in the future.
I hope that my experience can bring you some inspiration and thinking.
Finally, please pay attention to me, I will continue to share the educational stories and dry goods knowledge of adolescent children