Self-supportive parenting is a little-known but very effective method that can help children become proactive and successful.
Almost all parents want their children to succeed academically, but many of them don't know how to do it or where to start. They often try to intervene directly by offering rewards or imposing punishments to control children's behavior. These traditional parenting strategies are not only ineffective, they can also have a negative impact on outcomes, children's daily well-being, and mental health.
What is self-supportive parenting
Autonomy is a feeling of control over one's own behavior, as well as the ability to determine one's own behavior. Supporting autonomous parents to stand in their child's shoes, let them take the initiative and involve them in decision-making rather than control them.
Studies have shown a consistent positive correlation between supportive parenting styles and children's intrinsic motivation, performance, learning, well-being, social development, and psychosocial adaptation.
Increase the intrinsic motivation for academic success
Studies have shown that intrinsic motivation, self-efficacy, attitudes toward learning, attention, and perseverance are among the behavioral factors that affect academic success.
According to self-determination theory (SDT), humans have three basic psychological needs—autonomy, ability, and relevance. The environment in which children live can promote or hinder their intrinsic motivation, depending on whether it contains these elements.
Supportive parenting styles provide children with the autonomy they need to develop intrinsic motivation and give them a sense of control over their actions. It signals to them that they are competent enough to make their own decisions.
In addition, parents who do not have psychological control over their children are better able to connect with them. Improving the parent-child relationship is another important factor in promoting intrinsic motivation.
By meeting all three of a child's psychological needs, these factors help them approach success in a positive way.
Increases extrinsic motivation for academic success
The sense of control can improve not only intrinsic motivation, but also extrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivation is the desire to do something because we like it. Extrinsic motivation is the motivation to perform an activity for separable results or external causes.
Not every child can enjoy learning, and not every subject can inspire fun. Therefore, many children's learning motivation is mainly extrinsic.
Providing children with personal autonomy can also increase their extrinsic motivation.
The positive impact of autonomy
The role of autonomy in child development is crucial. Autonomy support provides the following beneficial effects and improvements.
Intrinsic motivation
Executive function and academic performance
Perceive confidence
Prosocial behavior
Self-regulation
Social-emotional development
Mental health
Children's well-being and life satisfaction
How to become a supportive parent
Giving up parental control over their children triggers intense fear among many parents.
Support for autonomy is not laissez-faire. This does not mean that children are allowed to do whatever they want. Parents who support their child's autonomy also provide guidance, reasons, and an environment conducive to learning.
However, to do this well, you first need to be able to tolerate some of your child's failures. If you never let go, they will never learn to take responsibility for their own education.
Research shows that the following steps are essential to provide autonomous support for your child's academic success.
Let your child decide
Return the responsibility for learning to them. If you're nagging or punishing your child for your child's homework every day, it's time to stop. This means that your child may stop doing homework or learning altogether, but it won't stay that way if you also follow the steps below.
Help them internalize the rationale for learning
Helping your child internalize the reasons they should learn and learn is the most important aspect of autonomy support.
Not all types of causes are valid. In order to internalize learning, reason needs to be a meaningful reason. For example, learning more and growing up as a person is a meaningful reason for children, but not getting better grades or getting into a more prestigious college. These latter reasons may be more important to parents than to children.
Acknowledge feelings and show empathy
If your child doesn't like learning, acknowledge and accept your child's negative emotions. Respecting your child's feelings is an important part of helping them internalize their emotions. You can say, "I know learning can be hard and not fun at times. ”。
Use a tone that conveys autonomy
How you come up with reasons to learn and how you acknowledge their feelings is important. If the tone of the message is controlling, such as using "should," "must," or "must," the child will not feel autonomous.
Instead, communicate autonomy support and let them choose.
Help them find the best challenge
Help your child find exercises or activities that challenge or intrigue them. These tasks should be challenging enough to challenge your child to improve or learn new skills, but not too difficult for them to complete.
Give positive, constructive feedback
Give your child positive, constructive feedback and suggestions that focus on learning issues, their efforts, or their processes, rather than their abilities or people.
Again, the tone of the feedback is very important. Your improvement points should be presented as recommendations rather than commands.
Strengthen relationships
Create an emotionally supportive environment for your child. When parents are enthusiastic, positive and responsive, children are comfortable expressing their feelings, doubts, and questions. Intimate family relationships help to stimulate a child's intrinsic motivation.