In "The Rest of Your Life, Please Give More Advice", the perfect love between Gu Wei and Lin Zhixue makes people envious and yearned for.
One side has a misunderstanding, the other side still insists on defending the other, and their love is a two-way rush.
In reality, there are very few people who can have such perfect feelings, and another couple in the play: Yin Xi and Jin Shi, is the epitome of many realistic feelings.
The seal is beautiful, jinshi is handsome, the two people are college classmates, both are young and vigorous, they both hope that the other party will consider themselves more, and the friction is continuous.
At first, Jin shi compromised, and finally he was overwhelmed and lied to Yin Xi that he wanted to discuss the paper with his supervisor.
In fact, he went to dinner with his classmates, and was bumped by Yin xi, and under the big quarrel, Yin Xi proposed to break up, and Jin Shi agreed.
Through this conflict, the seemingly sweet couple exposed the long-standing contradictions.
01
Conflict over the domination of personal space
Yin Xi is a person who is insecure and has a strong desire to control, and she hopes that her boyfriend will prove the feelings of the two people by sending a circle of friends to show affection and wearing a couple's outfit.
But in Jinshi's view, he was completely bound, deprived of his freedom, and had no face in front of his friends.
The girlfriend always checks the post, and always knows what he is doing.
On a phone call, no matter where Jinshi is, he must appear in front of his girlfriend, which also affects Jinshi's daily dating.
From the perspective of The Seal, she wants to be together all the time because of love, and isn't love just to be tired of being together?
One strong pressure, one endured, the feelings will sooner or later go wrong.
02
Poor communication
The meaning of love is not only to tell each other romantically, but also to run into personality and living habits, and the process of communication and coordination.
A natural couple is a minority in the crowd, two people interact, want to go on for a long time, need to learn to get along with each other's shortcomings.
Emotional intelligence will play an important role in this process, and the party with high emotional intelligence will observe the color and know how to accept itself while rejecting the other party's uncomfortable requests.
Like Jin Shi in the early stage, he endured not to say anything, and endured dissatisfaction with the social seal, and the seal would not be happy.
He sent a circle of friends in groups to show affection is a kind of silent resistance, he hates the seal to restrict his freedom, he has a grudge, and not to say, and finally a big outbreak.
And Yinxi is also overconfident in his charm, thinking that boys should naturally coax themselves, saying that after breaking up, they are not willing to take it back.
Jinshi has remorse, saying that both people have problems and want to correct each other, she also refused, feeling that she was not wrong, and firmly let Jinshi admit her mistake.
03
Hurt your feelings with face
Men and women quarrel, at first it may be because of things quarreling.
As the quarrel escalates, girls will begin to pick at the boy's tone, attitude, and even turn over old accounts, resulting in the more serious the fight.
Yin Xi was angry at first that Jinshi had deceived himself, and if Jinshi was afraid that she would be angry, and then explain and apologize, there was no need to escalate to such a serious breakup.
But in front of a table of "audience", Jinshi's self-esteem made it impossible for him to apologize in public, he gritted his teeth, divided, not only broke up, but also when everyone accused Yinxi of how excessive.
In front of so many people and not giving face to his girlfriend, it is no wonder that Yinxi is not willing to reunite.
Jin shi forgot, counted his girlfriends in front of everyone, and he had no face.
Yin Xi obviously thought of the golden stone in his heart, but he was not willing to give the golden stone steps behind him.
The girlfriend took her to the bar to relax, and she was not happy, while looking at the phone and chanting: "I am here to vent, and I am not really looking for a man." ”
Yin Xi did not want to break up, but said to break up, he could not go down the steps, and did not want to take the steps of Jinshi, the finale said that Jinshi went to work in the field, Yinxi did not express his position.
When feelings are lit up at a red light, if girls communicate with negative emotions, they will sharply escalate the contradictions and make the feelings worse.
If the intention is to break up, get together and disperse, there is no regret.
But if you originally like each other, but you want to break up without saying anything, it is you who are embarrassed.
Smart girls are soft-spoken, have a clear bottom line, and have a firm attitude.
Girls who are too strong to ask for face will say everything harshly, want face without inside, and finally grievance a person to carry.
So how to do a good job of conflict management?
1. Don't break up easily, and don't step on the bottom line
Girls mention breaking up, often want to let boys change, want emotional value, and boys mention breakup may really want to break up.
Emotional red lights often appear in girls to raise points, boys no longer coax, and break up by default.
When deciding to terminate a relationship, it is necessary to think carefully, saying that breaking up and regretting it is saved, and it will only step on the bottom line.
One of my visitors, Xiao Ai, said that her love path was always not smooth.
Xiao Ai recently had an awkward relationship with her boyfriend because her boyfriend told her parents about The existence of Xiao Ai, and her boyfriend's mother said that she did not want her son to have a girlfriend so early.
Xiao Ai was very angry about this, and the boyfriend said that he would try to convince his parents, but Xiao Ai still wanted to get angrier and directly mentioned the breakup.
What she wants is that her boyfriend's family takes her very seriously, and the boyfriend just says that he will try to convince his parents that there is no other commitment, and she is worried that the relationship will not bear fruit.
I asked her if she had raised her concerns with her boyfriend, because it was normal for a guy to have such a thought if the conditions were good if the boy was in good condition.
Next, you should look at the performance of the boy carefully, it is not suitable to divide again, there is no need to hear that the other party has resistance at home and give up immediately.
Xiao Ai said no confusedly, and she said that the breakup was an angry word.
After the breakup, she felt that she was indeed a bit arbitrary, so she went to redeem herself again, but the boyfriend did not have the enthusiasm he had before.
In this relationship, Xiao Ai originally had the upper hand, but because of his series of wrong operations, he stepped on the bottom line and let himself be passive.
2. Don't make decisions when you're being manipulated by emotions
There is a famous saying that says, "The best cure for anger is procrastination."
When anger comes up, people are extremely destructive, and the moment they are manipulated by emotions, emotional intelligence and IQ are all off the line.
Most of the decisions made at this time will be regretted afterwards.
When you are ready to vent, silently recite 10 numbers in your mind, adjust 5 deep breaths, and the probability of complaining will be much smaller.
If we can do it without being kidnapped by emotions, we can avoid most of the contradictions in life.
The angry blurted out that he listened to the coolest and most satisfying words, but in the eyes of the other party, the most lethal.
It's like nailing a nail in the wall, even if you regret it with hindsight, even if you pull it out, the wall will leave a mark.
When we can't help but lose our temper, we are often on guard, very insecure, feel that we are in danger, so we will use anger to defend the other party.
Then, at this time, it is very important to think about the starting point of things, and it is impossible to do it, but to ask for yourself.
It is cool to blame the other party, but if your own part of the responsibility is not taken up and not solved, the feelings that unilaterally require the other party to maintain must be fragile and easy to problem.
3. Deal with the sense of boundary between me and "us"
When two people have conflicts, in addition to the trust problem, there is also a kind of couple like the beginning, and the sense of boundaries is not handled well.
You know, even boyfriends, husbands, they are not obligated to keep you on call 24 hours a day.
Think about it in a nutshell, the boyfriend asked us to be available 24 hours a day, can we do it?
Some girls are accustomed to getting off the plane to let their boyfriend pick up, and when they are in a bad mood, they can call at any time, and their boyfriend must always be ready to comfort.
Maybe it's the middle of the night, maybe it's the time of day when the other person needs to work.
At these times, they ignore that the other half also has their own arrangements, and put down their own things to coax the small emotions that appear frequently, which is very costly.
Especially in the case where the partner is very enterprising, the work pressure is high and the intensity is high, and it is impossible to take good care of the girlfriend's every need.
This requires girls to choose, give boys the space to work, have their own circles, and have a sense of boundaries.
Like the seal in the play, the kind of circle of friends she wants is a boyfriend who shows love and loves non-stop, and everything is based on herself.
And she herself is the kind of girl who needs her boyfriend's unconditional cooperation and strong desire for control, and often needs boys with poor conditions to endure.
At that time, her trouble may be that the boys are not motivated, the family is all dependent on me, what to do.
Because only people who don't have time to be valuable will not do their own things all day long, all around their girlfriends.
If the boy has a successful career, and has never had negative energy, always around his girlfriend, coaxing you to be happy, then be careful whether you have encountered a liar.
If the partner a girl wants is inherently inhuman, then only a liar can do it.
In the "Secret History of Filial Piety", Nurhaci said to Dorgon: "If in this life, you are destined to fight many battles, many and difficult, then you remember my words, you must first subdue yourself before you can subdue the enemy." ”
It's the same with long-term relationships, the perfect lover just right doesn't exist.
We often meet partners who have tempers, personalities, and flaws.
Then the battle we want to fight is to stimulate the other side to be more good, to pay for the small family.
Learn to get along with each other's shortcomings, use appropriate communication methods, and balance your own and each other's interests.
Know how to dissolve their own resentment, appropriately give each other steps, read each other's needs, subdue their own hearts to "do whatever they want", and treat each other's feelings cautiously.
Do the above homework well, in order to subdue the negative energy in the feelings, have a beautiful and smooth love.
The author | Lu Meiran, doctor of psychology, marriage and family counselor, good at emotional management, emotional intelligence improvement, focus on female growth, accompany you to be the master of emotions, and become a better self.