Children lie. We know that.
When your child lies, you may question your parenting style.
While no parents like to see their children lie, understanding the reason children lie is key to stopping this behavior.
The development of lying
Lying is both a normal aspect of development and a problematic behavior.
It is considered normal because it is part of normal child development and is ubiquitous in different cultures. Children reach this milestone in the development of executive functions, such as inhibitory controls and plans, social development and interpretation of social norms
Lying behavior usually occurs in preschool and develops rapidly with age
It is carried out through three levels
Level 1 – The main lie
Usually between the ages of 2 and 3, children learn to deliberately make untrue statements for the first time. However, children at this age do not yet understand the moral concept of lying, so the motivations are often unclear. Lies can be word games, wish fulfillment, or real deception. In most cases, they involve breaking the rules and kids don't want to be caught.
Level 2 – Secondary Lies
Between the ages of 3 and 4, there was a major shift. Most kids over the age of 4 will lie to cover up their pranks, but they may not be able to keep the lie consistent.
Children at this age still can't distinguish between lies, guesses, and honest mistakes. They believe that any statement that is in fact incorrect is a lie, regardless of the motive or reason
Level 3 - Level 3 Lies
The third grade appears in elementary school students around the age of 7 or 8. These children are becoming more and more adept at lying and maintaining lies. Their subsequent statements would not contradict what they had previously said, making the lie difficult to discover. They have become effective scammers.
Around the age of 10, children's perceptions of the rules changed. House rules are no longer seen as moral absolutes; instead, adolescents begin to realize that rules can sometimes be challenged or violated for the benefit of individuals, and that judgments should not be based on results but on intentions.
They also use context-specific reasoning in social situations. For example, if parents restrict their activities, many teens think it is acceptable to cheat on their parents.
Why do children lie
Children lie for a variety of purposes. Here are some of the most common reasons and 7 types of lies children lie
Cover up lies
Cover up lies are told to avoid punishment.
Children's deliberate lying is influenced in part by how they perceive the negative consequences of revealing the truth versus the positive consequences of telling the truth
For children who expect corporal punishment, lying about misconduct is more likely
This type of lie is often the cause of children's concerns.
Exploratory lies
When children try to find out the other side of the truth, they tell exploratory lies. Kids may lie out of curiosity or fun.
Big lie
Big Lies are told to boast or exaggerate one's accomplishments in order to reach a higher status or to save one's self-esteem. For example, they may mistakenly claim to have won an award when in fact they are not.
Blatant lies
Blatant lies are lies designed to attract attention. When children tell blatant lies, they know they will be noticed because others know the truth.
Fantasy lies
Deliberate lying is when a child deliberately makes a false statement with the intention of creating a false belief in someone else. However, young children sometimes mistake fantasies for real life and lie unknowingly.
So when children lie, it's important to distinguish whether they're confused about fantasies or trying to keep secrets.
Fantasy Lies contains elements from fictional worlds. Often, they are used to taking responsibility or serving what the kids want to happen.
White lies
From the very beginning, children are taught not to lie. But in some social situations, they are also implicitly or explicitly taught that they should not be outspoken. White lies are common in situations where politeness is required.
For example, when children receive unwanted gifts, they will pretend to like adults and tell them white lies
Children as young as 3 years old are also able to tell white lies so as not to hurt the feelings of others. For example, if a child thinks that admitting a mistake will disappoint their parents with them, they may lie to hide the truth
Altruistic lies
Altruistic lies are told to protect others, usually peers or parents. They may or may not be explicitly asked to do so, but think they should do so to help.
How common are children lying
To study children's lies, the researchers created an experiment called the Temptation Resistance Paradigm Experiment.
In this experiment, the researchers explicitly instructed the children not to look at or play with toys while alone. Due to natural curiosity and difficulty resisting temptation, most children are unable to follow the instructions of researchers. When the researchers returned, they asked the child if they had seen or played with the toy.
Researchers have found that lying increases with age. In this experiment, about a third of 3-year-olds would lie, while more than half of children between the ages of 4 and 7 would. Older children are also able to keep lying when asked follow-up questions
How to deal with a child who lies
In society, we assume and expect others to be honest.
On the social side, lying is discouraged because it can have a negative impact on relationships. It can also erode the foundations of our children's moral character.
Cover-up lies can be one of the first signs of a child's future anti-social or criminal behavior.
While this is not something that happens overnight, parents can try the following methods to stop their children from continuing to lie.
Discern the type of lie
First, if you have a young child, see if they can tell the difference between reality and fantasy, or between truth and lies.
Kids may just be confused by their wishful thinking rather than what actually happened.
Admit it, make things right, but don't punish it
When you find a true lie, calmly tell your child that you know it.
Don't engage in power struggles. Avoid accusatory tones or language. When you use a disgusted tone, kids tend to ignore what you're saying.
If they do something wrong, ask them to correct it. It could be an apology, make-up lesson, or repair. Give them the opportunity to do the right thing.
You might be surprised by the "no punishment" part. After all, punishment is used to punish the whole world.
If you make a mistake, you will be punished. This seems logical.
However, has our legal system succeeded in deterring crime? (For those in question, the answer is "no")
Avoidance of punishment is an external incentive. The desire to do the right thing is an intrinsic motivation.
Extrinsic motivations cannot produce the same results as those that come from within.
In anti-temptation experiments, children from punitive environments lied more than children from non-punitive environments
No one in a healthy mind allows himself to be punished. If a child thinks they will be punished for telling the truth, of course they will lie. It is human nature to protect oneself.
So, if you don't want your kids to lie, and you want them to develop an intrinsic motivation to tell the truth, stop using punishment as a consequence.
That doesn't mean you should ignore their mistakes. As mentioned before, you have to fix it and give them a chance to correct it.
Teach ethical values
Children's moral evaluation of lies is related to their lying behavior.
Those who value the truth are less likely to lie. They have an intrinsic motivation to tell the truth.
Teach children the positive aspects of honest behavior. Even if you make a mistake, it feels good to be honest because you're doing the right thing. You are taking responsibility rather than concealing it.
Dishonest behavior, on the other hand, can make you feel bad because you're deceiving someone. It can cause problems or hurt others. Lying also leads to more lies later to cover up the first lie.
Be an honest role model
Studies have shown that most adults admit to lying to their children. They may lie to their children to control their behavior, get them to cooperate, or control their emotions. Sometimes they lie because it's easier than giving an accurate but difficult explanation
Imitation and imitation are two ways for children to learn. Children can acquire or reinforce lying behavior by observing their parents lying.
In the temptation resistance paradigm, school-age children who are deceived are more likely to lie and peek than children who are not deceived
Children learn from their parents what kind of behavior is acceptable. Set a good example for them and model them through your behavior.
Usually, it does take more time and effort to explain the truth. Children of families that accept adult lying will see that lying is normal behavior.
Teach the difference between antisocial lies and white lies
Not all lies are bad. Adults always tell white lies. Children may be confused as to why we teach them one thing and do another.
Anti-social lies are motivated by self-interest. Their purpose is to harm others, to gain personal gain or to escape punishment.
But white lies are a common lie that adults tell in their daily lives in order to maintain social relationships. These lies do not hurt others
We must teach children to distinguish so that they can lie in a way that is socially appropriate and effective.