Source| Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio
ID:zqfxlgz
01
Falling in love, giving up narcissism
For a long time, in the feelings of the two sexes, people seemed to have enshrined "whoever moves the heart first and dies first" as the guideline.
This stems from the experience of some people in the relationship who feel that they have given a lot and returned little; then others use this as a lesson for the past, remain cautious and passive in their interactions, and are not willing to go easily.
Teacher Li Yinhe said: As long as you are emotional, you become a slave; love is surrender, surrender, inner belonging, and imprisonment.
The experience of "down to the dust" has happened at least in the early days of everyone's relationship.
The reason why we are humble in love is that we bet a large amount of our original libido on the object; that is, the person who is in love is equivalent to losing a part of his narcissism to the other party.
To put it bluntly, it is rare to see one's own goodness and self-denial; the other person's face is full of flowers, or the pattern is good to the other half.
Then the question arises: the part of narcissism that we give up is preferably replaced in equal amounts, that is, loved.
If not, there is a sense of "death first". The antidote to humility can only be loved, not to be loved, to be imprisoned in love.
So people have a long memory, whether it is the next love, or quarrel with the other half, many people will be angry: "Why doesn't TA take the initiative, I take the initiative"?
By virtue of this, no one wants to hurt their self-esteem.
02
Sources of self-esteem
In Freud's theoretical construction, a person's self-esteem contains three aspects:
Remnants of narcissism in infancy;
Empirically proven omnipotent state (realization of self-ideals);
The satisfaction of being physically more physically active (being loved by another person).
The reason why he always encourages us to love and work is because these two things can constantly improve our self-esteem; in addition, they can help us gradually get rid of primitive narcissism and develop ourselves in a realistic environment.
For example, a little boy believes that he is the most powerful, the first handsome man in the universe, which is the original all-powerful narcissism; as he works and gets married, everything he has and realizes confirms the traces of the "handsome" of childhood, and his self-esteem grows day by day.
Tang Jing in "The First Half of My Life", in terms of work and feelings, has He Han guarding the side, and the two have maintained a relationship of mentoring and friends, working partners and lovers for ten years, which can be described as a winner in life.
Such a high self-esteem, after watching He Han empathize with Luo Zijun, did not decadence or travel to heal her wounds, but immediately went on a business trip to pounce on customers.
As we often say, the scene is frustrated, the workplace is proud; when one source of self-esteem is lost, it is bound to save another.
From this point of view, after falling out of love, it becomes a workaholic, and it is a self-healing reaction and way out of the body, not a pretentious and numb.
If there are such people around you, understand them and give a little care in life.
03
Self-esteem in relationships
In intimate relationships, being loved raises self-esteem, and not being loved lowers self-esteem; this is an indisputable fact.
When a person feels that they are very attached to each other, but at the same time they are not loved by each other, this is indeed a deeply lonely thing.
In order not to experience the pain of this one-man show anymore, the person may become less active in the relationship.
A netizen's words are very heartfelt: if the feelings are not two-way rushing, then there must be "death" of a person.
Remember a story. Once upon a time there was a kingdom of Ullus, and a soldier in the army who did not know the height of the sky fell in love with the beautiful daughter of the king.
Once the princess was alone in the flowers, and the soldiers took the opportunity to confess, and the princess was surprised and delighted, because no inferior person had ever sincerely confessed to her.
The princess, amused, agreed to the soldier on the condition that she wait under her balcony for 100 days and nights, and if the soldier could hold out, she would marry him.
The soldiers were happy, and insisted on waiting, regardless of the mosquito bites, wind and rain, until they were almost dying. The princess saw everything in her eyes, but never came down. On the 99th day, the soldiers walked away with difficulty.
It was only a day away, why didn't she say yes?
Because from the source of self-esteem, the identity of the princess is destined to stay more in the primitive narcissistic stage, before the royal family magnate loved me, now there are poor boys who love me, the best people in the world love me, 100 days of waiting for the setting, the sense of omnipotent atmosphere is full.
This is also the reason why Meng Fei once could not understand the female guests who had harsh requirements for male guests on the stage of "Do Not Disturb".
It's only a day away, why doesn't he insist?
Someone read the story and accurately concluded: 99 days is his love for her, and the last day is his respect for himself.
It sounds tragic and meaningful.
Substitute for the sexual experience, as the soldier invests in the princess day by day without responding, his self-esteem decreases, and he chooses to turn around when he is about to disappear.
On the one hand, he subconsciously knew that the princess could not agree to him, and turned around on the 99th day, so that he could keep that agreement in his heart forever, without having to face the pain of loss.
At this point, it is possible to understand that those who are in unrequited love and cannot stop, although they have not really entered the relationship, but they give love, and then the psychological reality of rejection has already occurred.
On the other hand, the soldier's actions were absolutely special in the princess's heart, and this only way remained in the princess's heart forever. Soldiers gained strong self-esteem on an imaginary level.
Of course, this story also has complex follow-up and interpretation, and it will not unfold one by one. What I want to say is that in reality, don't do it like this, it's too hard.
04
The evolution of self-esteem in relationships
A girl told me that I couldn't tell why, she usually never took the initiative to talk to someone after getting into an awkward relationship with someone, so she missed a lot of relationships that were actually very good, there was love, and there was friendship.
She really wanted to fix it.
Girls self-analysis this problem may be related to the mother. When she was a child, every time she had an awkward fight with her mother, she herself was still angry, and her mother turned her face and talked to her like no one else, asking her what she wanted to eat.
This caused her to take the initiative in the relationship, of course, and conclude that the other party would take the initiative to come and reconcile; if not, she would rather give up the relationship.
Looking around, the friends who stay around are all active, and they have no motivation to change.
In my opinion, the fact that a mother treats her daughter "like a normal person" may have promoted her daughter to be better at maintaining her self-esteem in a narcissistic way.
One link is missing in the middle, that is, before reconciling with the daughter, the mother must first communicate with the child's angry state, rather than directly omitting it.
With this step, the mother is helping the child to get out of the original narcissism and practice interacting with real people, which will lay a solid foundation for the child to love and work more smoothly in the future.
After work, the girl became good friends with another girl in the office. At one point they disagreed, and the girl was silent all day.
Later, the female colleague ran over and said, "If I am guilty, please let the law punish me, not ignore me."
While being laughed at, the girl deeply felt for the first time that something was wrong with her. Then, a familiar sense of guilt struck, as if she had seen the "okay" mother.
The girl's guilt is explained from the perspective of object relationship: when she is angry with her mother, she will fantasize about a lot of attacks on her mother, and she is also being attacked by a bad mother. In reality, the reconciling mother immediately becomes a good mother, and she has no time to withdraw her attack on the good mother, and then experience guilt.
This feeling is the same as what we often say, "You bully a good person, won't your conscience hurt?"
So, not actively repairing the relationship or not having it can save her from having to face this part of the guilt again. But this will obviously hinder the further development of the self, and only when it is realized can there be a chance to move forward.
05
The more active the person, the more mentally sound
Now we know that less primitive narcissism and more development of the ability to love and work will actually boost self-esteem. In turn, the improvement of self-esteem will make us more comfortable in love and work.
Psychologist Jacobson proposes that healthy self-esteem is the foundation of lasting love.
Going back to the story of the soldier and the princess, I am actually not curious about what the result will be if he persists until the end, I am more concerned about what makes the soldier able to accept these 100 days as a condition and a price.
This is a limited lack of freedom, which has to do with self-esteem.
Although he voluntarily quit in 99 days, he could have discussed other ways with the princess beforehand or reduced the number of days. In contrast, I prefer this healthier way of acquiring self-esteem.
Don't dare to take the initiative, the soldiers in the story are afraid of rejection, and we are afraid in life. But remember, rejection doesn't equal harm. Exploring the reasons for not being able to take the initiative, this bravery itself will boost self-esteem.
It should be believed that the active person in the relationship will not "die", but live forever.
Author: Xu Yahui, second-level psychological counselor, UM psychology writer; humanity observer and understanding.
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