I saw a piece of news not long ago, and I can't forget it for a long time.
A mother died of cancer 26 years after looking for her son. Shortly after her death, the police found her son through DNA comparison, and unexpectedly, the son turned out to be her WeChat friend...
Looking back at the story of the mother and son's yin and yang, it is helpless to the point of only a sigh.
In the summer of 1991, Yang Suhui and his wife took their 4-year-old son Xu Jianfeng from Zhejiang to Guangzhou to work.
On that day, Xu's father and son were resting on the second floor of the South Building, and two strange men handed him a cigarette, and the three of them talked and laughed. But it didn't take long for Father Xu to pass out.
By the time he woke up, his son had already been abducted by human traffickers.
The young Xu Jianfeng has always been very clever. Traffickers took him to many homes, and he was often asked to perform jumping, laughing, and sometimes even having to strip naked and go around in circles.
Sensing that something was wrong, he planned to escape.
The first time he escaped, he wanted to find his mother after the trafficker was asleep, but he didn't know where his mother was, so he could only walk aimlessly, walked all night, so hungry that he squatted on the side of the road and couldn't stand up, and was found by the trafficker who chased him.
The second time he escaped, he was well prepared and secretly took 300 yuan out of the trafficker's pocket. Desperately trying to escape during the day, finding a corner to sleep in at night, and going to the trash can when hungry to pick up food. He lost both of his shoes and blistered on his feet.
Eventually, he was picked up by his adoptive parents in a small fishing village in Huizhou. They promised that when he grew up, they would help him find his parents together.
Growing up, he often wondered, was his mother looking for him?
Yes, Mother Yang Suhui, is looking for him all the time.
She quit her stable job and made ends meet on odd jobs that could leave at any time. Over the years, she has set up stalls and worked as a dishwasher.
When she couldn't sleep at night, she disassembled the bed and disassembled it...
In 2016, Xu Jianfeng saw news reports about Yang Suhui, and he felt that the photos provided by Yang Suhui resembled those of his childhood, so he contacted her.
Yang Suhui said that she and her husband are not tall, her son should not be tall, and her son has a birthmark on his ass.
Xu Jianfeng said that he was 183cm tall, and when he was a child, his ass was scalded with boiling water, leaving a mark, and it was not clear whether there was a birthmark.
Because the characteristics did not match, the two did not perform the next step of blood collection identification.
Just a year later, Yang Suhui died of cancer, and her daughter posted an obituary for her mother in the circle of friends, and Xu Jianfeng left a message: "Aunt Yang, all the way." ”
It wasn't until March that the police used the technology to determine their kinship. But they can't see each other again.
A small detail, a small misunderstanding, let the mother and son who have been looking for each other for 26 years, just like this, regret for life.
God is a good screenwriter, and He fills the world with dramatic conflicts and tragedies. Many things are obviously only a line difference, and in the end, for various reasons, they have not been completed.
However, their stories are only one of the thousands of stories in the world. No one can predict that a small decision made at this moment will not affect their lives and those of their families.
Only by grasping the happiness of the moment can we live up to the future.
The biggest regret between parents and children is that "I could have." Those precious parent-child times, once missed, can not be repeated.
I often see a saying: "When the parents are free, the children grow up." ”
In this extremely stressful society, I understand that sometimes my parents are really overwhelmed.
When going to work, you have to work hard physically and mentally, look at the leader's eyes, and often have to work overtime for a long time. In order to support the family, we can only grievance the children.
I go home from work at 7 o'clock and go to bed at 12 o'clock. In just five hours, we eat, wash dishes, wash clothes, and supervise children's learning. For a short period of fragmentation, most parents just want to lie on the couch and play with their phones and relax their brains.
Parents have their own grievances, but children who are still inexperienced cannot understand. In their eyes, in the rare parent-child time every night, mom and dad would rather play with their mobile phones than pay attention to themselves.
Not long ago, I saw a piece of news.
The 11-year-old boy Xiao Jie ran away from home, and his father was in a hurry. But after the police found Xiao Jie, he refused to communicate with his father.
After the police patiently communicated, Xiao Jie said sullenly: "I don't want to see him!" Play games every day, and don't care about my homework. This kind of behavior of my father, I really can't watch it, it's so angry! ”
Imagine how it feels when a child comes home after school and wants to share the fun of the day with his parents, only to get perfunctory answers and noisy short videos on his mobile phone.
The best time to educate children is hidden in the usual company. Companionship is valid, and when the child grows up, when the parents want to re-educate the child, they will only find that it is too late.
Children who lack companionship will always have scars on their hearts.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once told a case.
A business executive with a successful career is very nervous when speaking in public, always stumbling and sweating, afraid that others will not be interested in his words.
Under the guidance of Wu Zhihong, he realized that this was because when he was a child, whenever he talked to his mother, his mother always gave him an indifferent side face and never responded positively to his words.
Over time, he became sensitive and inferior, and even if his career was successful, he could not cross the inner barrier.
In fact, spending time with children does not conflict with being busy with work. For children, an hour of efficient companionship a day is more useful than a perfunctory companionship throughout the day.
Children are not unreasonable people, they can understand the pain of parents, provided that parents must respect the child's feelings.
If there is work that must be done, parents can patiently tell their children: "Mom/Dad has to complete a very important job, about an hour." When it's done, Mom and Dad will definitely play with you, okay? ”
After the work is over, parents should put down their mobile phones and accompany their children wholeheartedly, whether it is reading books together or playing games together, so that children can feel that they are being treated sincerely.
Children who are rich in heart and have a sense of security are all "accompanied" out.
The most important point of companionship is that parents can discover the advantages of their children in parent-child time, and encourage and affirm their children in time.
A parent who always plays with his mobile phone, even if his child completes his homework with high quality every night, they will not find out;
A highly engaged parent, even if the child exposes some small shortcomings, they can immediately guide the child correctly and strengthen the part of the child who is doing well.
A parent who always plays with mobile phones, in order to save trouble, will always unconsciously force his children to do things according to their own ideas;
A parent with a high degree of participation will respect the child's wishes, accompany the child to take a detour, find the right way, and enrich the child's life experience.
"Affirming education" is not only about affirming the good aspects of the child, parents should also learn to affirm the "bad" aspects of the child, allow the child to be angry and sad, and accept the child's feelings.
I once read a mother's self-report: after spending 14 years raising her child, I found out how deeply her denial of her child hurt her child.
When her son cried and begged her not to go to piano lessons, she screamed;
Her son accused her of being overbearing and authoritarian, but she felt that she deserved it.
Until she saw the diagnosis of her son's depression, she could not regret it.
She asked all the parents about their inner confusion:
"I don't understand, I just want to give my children the best, so that they can live a good life in the future, why can't children understand me and are depressed?" 」
Because, the parents give instructions, and the children want affirmations.
Every denial by parents that begins with "good for you" is a denial of the child's thoughts and feelings. Children who are deprived of feelings are destined to become more and more numb.
So, how should parents skillfully affirm their children?
First, parents should learn to "see" their children.
Just as parents don't scold their children for no reason, children don't lose their temper for no reason.
They may be "disobedient" because their parents have not taught them how to express their emotions. And every abnormal move they make is to express their own demands.
Therefore, parents must pay attention to every manifestation of their children and "see" the child's heart.
Second, parents should learn the correct way of expression.
In "How to Say Children Will Listen, How to Listen to Children Will Speak", the author points out three tips for parents to affirm their children:
Describe what you see; describe how you feel; summarize your child's admirable behavior into one word.
For example, when the child is patiently waiting for you to work, you can say: "Just now the mother handled the urgent task, you did not make a noise, obediently waiting for the mother, the mother feels very relieved, you can understand the mother." ”
Children who are so affirmed, the next time they encounter something unhappy, they will certainly be able to communicate with their parents in the same way, rather than playing with their temper and emotions.
The regret between Xu Jianfeng and Yang Suhui has actually existed in our lives in another way.
When parents heard their children say, "Mom and Dad accompany me," they didn't take it seriously and scrawled it off. When you want to accompany, the child no longer needs it;
When parents see their children sad and angry, they do not take it seriously and still constantly deny their children's feelings. By the time it was time to apologize, it was too late.
The lowest logic of educating children is to firmly seize every opportunity in the child's growth stage. Don't let the parents' flukes become the child's lifelong regrets.
Companionship and affirmation are the two most important forms of parent-child education.
May all parents and children be able to spend every moment fully and nourish their lives with childhood.