The article is reproduced from Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio (ID: zqfxlgzs) and Tan Lucia
Some parents often say, "My child makes a mistake, and I have scolded him fiercely." In their eyes, scolding is education, and it seems that the task has been completed.
However, they will also be confused: why is it scolded, but it is still useless?
This raises a very important question – does stimulating and humiliating a child with hard language really make him remember sex for a long time?
Jiujiu's parents walked into the consultation room with confusion: "In the past month, children have always forgotten to bring things with them when they go to school, either forgetting to bring books, forgetting to turn in homework, or forgetting to write homework. We severely criticized and punished him, but why didn't we remember him for a long time? Is it because the scolding is not fierce enough, the punishment is not heavy enough, and it does not stimulate the child? ”
They recounted many moments of interaction with their children, such as: Nine-Nine class speech, did not finish homework, the teacher asked parents, parents felt very humiliated. Dad came home and scolded, "bad student", "thick-skinned", "dog memory"...
Mom's reaction was also strong: "What books did you read?" Don't read at all, and blame yourself for not having a job in the future. Next time, don't come back, we don't have such children in our family. ”
Ninety-nine parents feel that their logic is very simple:
Stimulate the child – to make him feel ashamed – to stop such behavior.
I thought, if the child feels uncomfortable and humiliated, he will not do it again next time.
Trying to make shame a motivator for change.
It may seem simple and straightforward, but the result may not be as they expected.
First of all, parents, thinking that they are criticizing education, but because of the surge of personal emotions, they have changed their taste, or their words are too heavy, adding oil and vinegar, going on the line, or chattering, and even out of control behavior.
For example, I often hear: this question is very simple, but you have not read the question carefully, nor have you used your brain to think.
Do you have a brain? Is it brainless? Or a long pig brain? (Over-rhetoric)
You are picking up bad learning, why don't you learn our good places? (Add oil and vinegar)
You are perfunctory to learning now, how will you perfunctory your life in the future? (On the line)
Similar content loop repeats... (Chatter)
Then there are the children, and the humiliation received in this link is greater than the education. Strong emotions mixed with humiliating language are no less than corporal punishment, and the child has actually received psychological punishment. Children are very resistant, and the content of the response is often not according to the routine predicted by the parents.
It seems that humiliating a child with ugly words cannot make him remember sex for a long time.
This is just looking like educating children, but it has failed to achieve the goals of education and failed to solve the problem. It can be said that it is a fake action of parents to deceive themselves.
After many humiliations, Jiujiu still repeatedly made mistakes in one thing, reminding Jiujiu's parents of a famous saying - rotten wood cannot be carved, and the wall of dung and soil cannot be carved. But at this time, even if the labels of "decaying wood" and "dung" are attached to Jiujiu's body, it will not solve the problem.
If you want to solve the problem, you have to see how the child has become an ignorant and unconscious rotten wood and dung.
We try to feel each other's hearts.
Every parent has a perfect portrait of a child in their hearts. When a child makes a mistake, his parents only need to gently remind him, and he will immediately correct it. You can also learn from each other and never make similar mistakes again. Parents themselves can also confirm excellent relationships and see their perfect father/mother through their children's reactions.
Obviously, this perfect expectation of nine-nine parents has failed, and even binds themselves to the mistakes made by their children, no matter the size of their children's mistakes, they feel that they are very failed. This triggered strong emotions in them and habitually vented them with their mouths.
Children, after all, are not machines, they all have emotions.
When every child is criticized and punished, he will have a series of emotions such as sadness, disappointment, regret, guilt, and fear. Especially those who are ugly, but also make the child have a strong sense of shame.
In reality, however, when a person encounters strong emotions, out of protection, a psychological defense mechanism is activated, excluding these strong emotions from the scope of consciousness.
For example, when parents' mouths are chattering and busy, they don't have to feel the disappointment, regret and sadness of the perfect expectation.
Children will also initiate psychological defense mechanisms such as denial, isolation, projection, suppression, rationalization, and inhibition, and different children will use different defenses.
When the child initiates denial and projection, he will justify the wrong behavior and blame the mistake on others, "It was the same table that spoke first, he always asked me questions, so I didn't finish my homework." ”
When they initiate isolation and suppression, they forget the feelings of the event, and even forget other information about the event, or the whole event.
Jiujiu belongs to the latter, "My mother criticized me, but I forgot what she said." He forgot because the subconscious mind couldn't remind him of the feeling of being humiliated after doing something wrong, and that feeling had been excluded from consciousness so that he could live comfortably.
At the same time, the truths, suggestions, homework assigned by the teacher, and the requirements that appeared with the ugly words spoken by the parents were also forgotten.
Turning off memory and learning to forget is the defense mechanism of nine-nine, and it is a way for children to protect themselves.
In short, behind the behavior there are emotions dominating.
If the parent strengthens the firepower to humiliate the child, the stronger the sense of shame the child experiences, and the more primitive the defense mechanism is activated, the more he cannot remember.
This creates a strange and common situation: making mistakes – being humiliated – apologizing – and not changing.
In the long run, the child's mistakes are not corrected, and self-confidence and self-esteem become lower. If the ugly words are long, it only makes the child remember the bad self in the relationship.
The next time a child makes a mistake, don't be in a hurry to punish the child with your own mouth, and don't focus on "how to punish next time", you can think about what to do next.
Parents need to learn to focus on the "wrong points" and develop solutions.
In fact, a word can clearly explain the meaning - as it is.
However, in the parent-child relationship, it is difficult to do it, and if you are not careful, you will become a person who talks about things.
The difference between the two is whether the parent is involved in the child's wrong behavior.
Learn to separate events from people
Distinguish between wrong behaviors, rather than associating with people. Such as the wrong children, the wrong parents, or the failed education and so on.
Separating people from things, parents will not be detached from reality. Only then can we understand that "this is a child's wrong behavior" without exaggerating, and those behaviors that are on the line and over-verbal can naturally be curbed.
At the same time, the child will not deny that he is a bad person. Under the guidance of parents, focus on wrong behaviors and correct them. "I didn't do a good job this time, I should do it next time" The child instead overcomes the difficulties and gains more confidence.
Face your emotions
As mentioned earlier, when the mouth is chattering and busy, people do not have to feel the disappointment, regret and sad inner feelings after the perfect expectation has failed.
Therefore, if you really stop talking and recall the strong sense of shame that you have been humiliated, you can really empathize with the child's sadness, disappointment, regret, guilt, shame and a series of emotions, and you can really stop the out-of-control behavior you have done to the child.
Spotlight on "what to do"
If your child is like Jiujiu, he will always make mistakes repeatedly after your "cleaning up" and teach them repeatedly. Then you should see if each "tidying up" of him creates a new conflict and completely avoids the problem itself.
When parents start humiliating their children, they have actually shifted the focus and focused the children on their conflicts. Children's thinking has shifted from "wrong behavior" to "how to end this war." This is also the reason why the children apologize positively, but they do not change, and he has learned to use the way of admitting mistakes and apologizing to avoid more scolding. He learned from another "point of error" that had nothing to do with what was first wrong.
Emphasize "what should be done" and develop effective solutions to the mistakes themselves.
For example, in response to the problem of Jiujiu, we finally focused on the solution of "what kind of way can help children complete their homework". Jiujiu discussed with his parents and finally formulated a series of schedules of work and rest habits, as well as specific and operable plans: set a reminder alarm clock; record the daily homework content with a small book; let parents help check the omissions after completion; reward and punishment system after completion; and so on.
After all, no parent just wants to scold or punish their child, they are still more willing to solve the problem, just momentarily caught up in their own logic and ignore the method.
Every child's identification with others begins with the initial imitation.
If it is humiliating, it can make people remember sex for a long time. You must have remembered the person you most wanted to identify with again.
-END-
Article reprinted from Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio (ID:zqfxlgzs)
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