Elders often complain that today's children do not know how to tolerate it, because of the problem of only children, or the problem of "coddling". In fact, the root cause is that parents are involved in too many contradictions in their children. Unnecessary intervention, or local intervention, on the one hand, will amplify the contradictions between children, on the other hand, there is no opportunity for children to learn to solve interpersonal problems, the third disadvantage is that it is easy for children to encounter a little conflict and feel that it is a big deal, but it becomes calculating and narrow-minded.
When children play together, it is normal for them to have some small conflicts and small frictions with each other, and parents do not have to see this as a problem, do not have to intervene immediately, and do not have to be angry because of it.
In the case of not serious, pretend not to see, leave the contradiction to the children to solve themselves; when it is more serious, simply pull away, do not have to worry about their children suffer losses or take advantage. The reason can be briefly explained, not to talk about it, the key is to maintain a friendly and relaxed attitude. This may seem like inaction, but it is the most basic, simplest, and most effective way to cultivate healthy relationships in children.
I summarize this method as the "three no's principle": don't get angry, don't intervene, and don't fear losing money.
My daughter Yuanyuan's regular playmates before she was 4 years old were Tingting and Xiaozhe, both girls, born at about the same time, and living on the same floor. The three little ones always play together in the east and west. Tingting and Yuanyuan have more gentle personalities, xiaozhe is more impatient, often having the upper hand when grabbing things, and will bite each other fiercely when there is a conflict. I remember two times Yuanyuan went to Xiao Zhe's house to play, and suddenly ran back crying, saying that Xiao Zhe had bitten her and there were obvious tooth marks on her arm.
I always looked at her little arm and smiled at her and said, "Oh, there's a fight again." Then gently blow where she was bitten and ask her, "Doesn't it hurt?" "If she says it still hurts, I blow it again, or kiss it gently, and Mom's kiss is the best painkiller." If she says it doesn't hurt, I'll say happily, well, it doesn't hurt, then find Xiao Zhe to play again.
The influence of my attitude on Yuanyuan is very obvious, she is often tear stains are not dry, the mood is as good as ever, and immediately turned back to find Xiao Zhe again. Occasionally, he would show constant emotions, saying that he did not want to go to Xiao Zhe and wanted to play at home by himself. I also smiled and said, "Okay, let's play at home," as she pleases. She probably couldn't hold on for ten minutes, and then she wanted to find Xiao Zhe again, or Xiao Zhe ran over by herself, and the two of them quickly had a hot game again.
In fact, Tingting is often beaten by Xiao Zhe, or Yuanyuan and Tingting will sometimes rely on Xiao Zhe's height and strength, and in a hurry, they will push Xiao Zhe down and cause Xiao Zhe to cry. Several of us parents have a similar attitude, of course, we will tell children to have fun with children, do not fight, do not grab things, but also try to use guidance to resolve their contradictions. At the same time, we are all calm and peaceful about the fights and quarrels between children, and no one will be here to calculate whether their children have suffered losses, or complain about how other people's children are. So the three kids have been having a great time together.
This attitude of parents conveys a message to the child, that is, conflict is a very normal thing, do not care, the past has passed, it does not matter who is right and who is wrong, how to get along and how to get along - such a psychological establishment is very important, is the indispensable basis for children to develop interpersonal relationships normally, is open-minded, friendly growth soil.
In fact, children do learn to coordinate quickly, and the number of complaints is getting less and less. When Yuanyuan was 4 years old, we moved to Yantai, and Xiao Zheye and his parents then moved to Qingdao. Yantai and Qingdao are not far away, the two little guys have to meet each other every few months, in my impression, since then, no matter how many days they play together, they have never made a fuss again, they are always so happy and tacit, every time they cry tears, can't wait to see the next meeting. This friendship continues until now that they have grown up.
The "three noes" may seem negative, but its meaning is very positive, its main function is to avoid destructive adult participation, and it contains a belief that children have the ability to solve the problems on their own.
The establishment of this belief is necessary, it is an important part of the scientific view of the child, and it can be transferred to the solution of other problems. Without this belief, the "three no's principle" will lose its supporting power. Many parents will always be skeptical when they first come into contact with this principle, and once they try to verify it in life, the vast majority of people will reap unexpected results. There will also be a new appreciation for children's abilities.
This principle does not only apply to the children in the neighborhood, but also works in twin or multi-child families, as well as in kindergartens or elementary schools, because children all over the world are the same.
There are twin brothers who often fight over grabbing things or other things. The mother's initial approach is to ask the reason for the fight, judge who is doing something wrong, hit whose hand, or close the small black room, and tell the child why he is punished. But the contradiction between the little brothers did not decrease, as they grew older, on the contrary, more and more, crying and shouting countless times a day to come to their mother for evaluation, which made her mother very mad and often lost her temper. And both little guys are increasingly pushing the buck, sometimes even lying in order to push the other person's fault.
The mother began to realize that there must be something wrong with her previous methods, but she did not know what to do for a while, so she came to me for consultation, and then returned with the "three no's principle" suspiciously.
A few months later, I received an email from her saying that she was cooking in the kitchen on the evening of the consultation, and heard two little ones arguing in the living room about why they were doing something, and then they came to the kitchen crying together to ask their mother for comment. At that time, when she was about to deal with it according to the custom, she suddenly thought of what I said about the "three no's principle", so she changed her mind, while cooking non-stop, she smiled and said to the two little guys with a relaxed smile, Ha, fight again, don't look for your mother in the future fight, solve your own business, your mother is busy, there is no time to take care of you.
The two little ones did not expect that their mother would have this attitude today, and they were stunned for a moment, and then they quarreled and wrestled in the kitchen, and cried, making a grievanced look, looking at their mother while fighting, waiting for their mother to stand up and evaluate. Mom stopped what she was doing, smiled and said to them in a gentle tone, "The kitchen is too small, you can't stretch your hands and feet in a fight, if you want to fight, go to the living room to fight." "After saying that, send the two little ones to the living room and go back to the kitchen to continue cooking." She had just returned to the kitchen and was still worried, don't really play the problem. Unexpectedly, the children's conflict seemed to follow them out of the living room, and the two little ones did not continue to quarrel, but soon heard their laughter, and the mother let go of the hanging heart.
In the following days, the mother always used this method to deal with the conflict between the two children, and what made her feel amazing was that the little brothers really got along better and better, learned to coordinate, and began to know how to be humble to each other, and now they basically stopped suing her. The problem that had caused her headaches for several years was solved so easily.
Parents often complain that today's children do not know how to tolerate it, attributed to the problem of only children, or the problem of "coddling". In fact, the root cause is that parents are involved in too many contradictions in their children. Many parents can't see their children arguing. As soon as something happens between the children, the parents immediately come forward, it seems that they have not fulfilled their responsibilities without coming forward, and they are worried that others will say that they are not good at disciplining their children. Unnecessary intervention, or local intervention, on the one hand, will amplify the contradictions between children, on the other hand, there is no opportunity for children to learn to solve interpersonal problems, the third disadvantage is that it is easy for children to encounter a little conflict and feel that it is a big deal, but it becomes calculating and narrow-minded.
There is a 5-year-old boy who goes to his grandmother's house with his mother on the weekend, and his uncle and aunt also bring their 3-year-old son over, and the two little ones are very happy after meeting. After playing for a while, the 5-year-old child suddenly picked up the 3-year-old brother and wanted to take a few steps, but because he was too weak, he fell down, and the brother's head fell on the sofa armrest, crying loudly, and the 5-year-old child was suddenly overwhelmed and looked at everyone in shame. When the aunt came to see, a small bag was knocked out of the child's head, and he cried out in shock. The mother of the 5-year-old child saw that her child was in trouble, very embarrassed, worried that the sister-in-law was not happy, and immediately sunk her face to criticize the child, asking the child to apologize to her brother and say sorry to her brother.
A 5-year-old child may be scared or feel aggrieved, just standing there stupidly, letting his mother say nothing, without squeaking. When Grandma saw this situation, she couldn't hold her breath and came over to reason with the child and asked him to apologize to her brother.
While comforting her child, the mother said in a suggestive tone that the little brother did not deliberately hit the younger brother, let the little brother apologize, and the baby would not cry. The 3-year-old child kept crying when he heard everyone say this, and seemed to be waiting for his little brother to apologize.
The 5-year-old child, under the pressure of a group of people, finally could not resist and whispered "I'm sorry". Grandma felt that the child's voice was too low, said that she did not hear clearly, and encouraged the child to "say it louder, say it again, and the good child must be brave enough to admit his mistake!" The child didn't say much, and everyone encouraged him to say it out loud again. The child finally raised his voice and said "I'm sorry." As soon as the words fell and everyone was about to breathe a sigh of relief, the child cried "wow" and began to lose his temper, kicking and beating his mother randomly, and pulling his mother to leave his grandmother's house.
Let's get a feel for a 5-year-old. He and his brother had a good time, and he couldn't help but pick up his brother, must be out of a good wish, or expressed his love for his brother, or maybe he wanted to show the strength of being an older brother, or even want to get some kind of appreciation from everyone, but the result was a disaster, you can imagine how embarrassed the child was, how faceless, and how worried. If at this time, the family can change the way to deal with it, give the child a step down, the effect must be different.
For example, the attitude is relaxed and says to the younger brother: "The little brother wants to see if he can hold you, and accidentally fell down." It's okay, let my mother blow it, and it won't hurt for a while. Or deliberately divert the younger brother's attention and say to the crying brother: "The little brother may have just failed to hug well and fell down." Or let the little brother hug you again, this time be careful, and see if you can hold you. "I believe that after the parents say this, the little brother will quickly forget his pain, stop crying, and be happy to cooperate." At this time, the little brother must also be willing to hug his brother more carefully so as not to fall. At this time, you can tell the little brother by the way, if you want to hold your brother in the future, stay away from hard objects such as the coffee table table, so that even if you fall, you will not be injured.
Of course, there is also this possibility, at this time the little brother is not willing to let the little brother hold it again, or the little brother does not want to hold the little brother again, everyone can also understandably say, "Well, the baby really understands things, is worried about falling down again." You are really too small now, you may not be able to hold it, in a few years, hold it again, and for three years, it is estimated that the brother can hold the younger brother, and maybe the younger brother can also hold the younger brother. "I believe that the parents' words speak of this, the whole family feels very relaxed, and the child has no possibility of calculating."
Some people worry that if the 5-year-old child is not asked to apologize at that time, will he become an uncultured person in the future, and he will not know how to feel guilty about doing wrong things?
This fear is completely unnecessary, and this again involves the problem of belief that the child has the ability to solve the problems on his own — as long as they grow up with kindness and respect, as long as they witness decent courtesy and cultivation. On the contrary, if adults cannot show compassion for the child's inadvertent fault, make a fuss, go online, and force the child to say "sorry", which will damage the child's love.
Imagine that after the child reluctantly said the three words "sorry" under the coercion of everyone, his heart was more kind or mean? Has his liking for his brother been strengthened or weakened? Has he become more rational or more emotional since then? Such a way of dealing with it hurts two children. Although the 3-year-old child received an apology, was there some unforgiving thoughts buried deep inside?
In the process of dealing with this matter, parents can of course suggest that 5-year-old children apologize to their brothers, in a relaxed atmosphere, children are mostly willing to apologize, if not, parents apologize on behalf of their children and give a demonstration to their children. Then tell the two children "Okay, it's all right, you two go play again". This matter ends here, so not only the 5-year-old child saves face, gets a lesson from this incident and a sense of proportion in doing things, but also learns tolerance and optimism, and 3-year-old children can also learn these things.
The world of children is very simple, and many so-called problems are actually imposed by adults, among which the more typical is to see the conflict relationship between children as "making mistakes", especially as the relationship between bullying and being bullied. Now many parents will say to their children: We do not bully others, but we will never let others bully. Or tell your child directly: you don't take the initiative to hit others, if others hit you, you must fight back. Even some parents, in order to strengthen their children's self-protection, will say to their children: If you are beaten outside and do not fight back, I will beat you when you go home.
Such a teaching may allow children to learn not to suffer losses, but life is very long, is "not suffering losses" a talisman, or a hidden danger? The countless facts that occur in the adult world have shown us that those who never suffer losses or those who are vengeful live in danger of ambush on all sides.
I am a creator of happy pregnancy, quality parenting, family education instructor, loving and thoughtful parenting and education master. Welcome to follow, like and comment, more parenting knowledge and education issues can communicate with me, make parenting easier, make education more effective!