Text/Themi Mama (original article, welcome to share and forward personally)
Hello everyone, I'm Themi's mother~
We often say: raising children, like upgrading monsters, all the way to thunder and lightning, it is inevitable to encounter various problems, many of which make us cry and laugh, and we are in tears.
I believe that many parents have encountered this situation, a second ago by the child tossed out of the flood force, a criticism and scolding of the child, but when we criticized the child, we found that the child not only did not remember revenge, but also wiped tears and cried and hugged.
Seeing this scene, the mothers were overwhelmed and particularly remorseful.
So, why is it that the child is obviously bullied by us, and still cries and begs for a hug? Is it true that children have no heart and no lungs?
In fact, the truth may not be what we think.
01. The "attachment relationship" behind the hug
In fact, the fundamental reason why the child is still stalking for a hug after being yelled at is related to the development of the baby's physiological needs.
According to Erikson's theory of personality development, the key period for children to build a basic sense of trust is from birth to age 2.
Therefore, children crying and hugging, not because they have no heart and no lungs, but for them, maintaining a stable attachment relationship is more important than remembering revenge and getting angry with their parents.
In the famous "cold face experiment", we can also see that for small babies, they are more able to quickly detect the mother's emotional changes, and will produce a variety of emotions according to this emotional change.
And all the children's behavior and emotions are displayed, to put it simply, in order to maintain a stable attachment relationship with the mother. As long as this balance is not upset, they are willing to do whatever they want.
Speaking of which, do you feel very remorseful and distressed?
In fact, often when we criticize and scold children, some of the psychological dynamics generated by children under the catalysis of "attachment relationship" are also worth understanding, because only in this way can we often make the right choice when raising children.
02. The real psychological dynamics behind the child being yelled at and scolded, crying and begging for a hug
For some parents, when we feel angry because of some of the children's behavior, we often take some more severe measures against the children, and once we encounter the children's "stalking and hugging", the anger level will often increase.
However, we must understand the psychological motivation of the child's behavior, only in this way, perhaps we will not only not be angry again, but also feel sorry for the child.
The search for a sense of security
For small babies, all their needs come from their parents, and the establishment of a sense of security is slowly formed under the satisfaction of needs.
That is to say, when we treat children with harsh means, their original sense of security order will be broken, so that in the case of extreme insecurity, they will try to re-establish contact with their mothers and fathers through some means.
So crying for a hug is, in a way, a fear of a lack of security.
The child is admitting mistakes and currying favor
The more poignant truth is that when the mother behaves harshly and the emotions are out of control, the child's stalking and hugging is actually more like a gesture of admitting mistakes and pleasing.
In psychological terms: after the child is yelled at, she will not stop loving her mother, but she will stop loving herself.
This tells us that in fact, in the process of emotional confrontation between parents and children, children themselves forget the scolding and malice they have suffered, on the contrary, because they perceive the emotions of their parents, they will admit their mistakes to their parents through their own behavior, so as to make their parents happy.
From this point of view, in fact, the children after being scolded are not begging for forgiveness, but "coaxing you to be happy"
Generate fear of abandonment
After being yelled at, children often use crying emotions to express, and at this time, many parents may not be able to grasp the heat, and use the language of "crying again and don't want you" to hit the child.
And the more this is the case, the more insecure the child's heart will fall into a "fear" that may be abandoned.
At this time, the child will really be afraid of being lost by the mother, so through a series of behaviors and emotional expressions, try to let the mother hug himself, only in this way, the child will feel at ease.
03. Themi Mother Parenting Class:
In fact, in the process of raising children, some parents will inevitably be unable to control their emotions, so what should we do to reduce the probability of yelling at children?
Take myself for example, I usually record some funny and warm moments of my child, and then use these photos as my mobile phone screensaver, every time I can't control my emotions, I will take a look, and then the anger that just ignited will slowly disappear.
As a mother, it is actually easy to be touched by some warmth, what we need to do is to stop at the critical point before the emotional outburst, and then effectively communicate and emotionally counsel according to the child's situation.
Then, for some of the child's wrong behavior, we can convert the language pattern of "discipline" into a way of encouraging.
For example, change "Why are you like this again" and "You're doing this wrong" to "If you do that, maybe your mother will be happier."
In this way, the effect may be better.
Raising children is a relatively complicated thing, because each child's situation is different, but we must try to avoid some wrong ways to solve the problem, and use a softer way to not only let the child grow up healthily, but also pay attention to the child's psychological development.
With two prongs, children can have a beautiful and happy tomorrow psychologically and physically.