Knowledge makes dreams, interprets the wisdom of life, hello everyone, welcome to inspiring thinking.
What we're going to talk about today is this book "Raising Boys" that many people may be curious to say; is it really necessary to distinguish children into boys and girls? I used to think it wasn't necessary. But when I finished reading the book, I realized that it was so urgent to write a book dedicated to raising boys.
Why? Because boys and girls are some fundamentally different. What's the difference? The most obvious is "testosterone", which will determine the most fundamental difference between men and women. Testosterone is not simply a male hormone, but the most important component of male hormones, accounting for more than 80% of male hormones.
A child's hormone level depends on the mother's state during pregnancy, and if the mother is under very high pressure during pregnancy, then the child's secretion of testosterone in the womb will decrease. Of course, there may be homosexuality, or physical development mutations and other issues, so a mother to maintain a good mood during pregnancy is really important for the child.
Because testosterone is different, the growth process of boys and girls will be completely different. Because this book is about boys, let's study boys today. The author of the book is Steve Bidalf, who is a famous doctor and a psychologist.
Steve Bidart believes that the physiological basis is a very important thing, and he divides the growth of boys into three stages according to the degree of testosterone secretion.
The first stage is: from birth to 6 years old.
The second stage is: from the age of 6 to 13 years old.
The third stage is: from the age of 13 all the way to adulthood.
The performance of boys in these three stages is completely different, called the gentle period from 0 to 6 years old, in the author's words: gentle years. In this gentle period, boys and girls are not much different, and the only difference may be that boys' separation anxieties will be more sensitive than girls.
So the author does not recommend sending boys to kindergarten or nursery earlier, because boys need a safer environment and he needs to be cared for by adults. Another difference is that boys don't like to be touched as much as girls, but it doesn't hurt if you touch him occasionally.
Boys' symptoms of separation anxiety will be much more severe than those of girls, that is, when you first send him to kindergarten, his situation of clinging to him, crying, and dragging you will definitely consume longer than girls. So what should we do at this time? All we have to do is find a caregiver for him. It is possible that many parents will run out of time, which is a very common situation in China.
Therefore, this caregiver is particularly important, and some people in the family will use the elderly in the family, such as grandparents or grandparents, and some will ask for a nanny. But whether it is an old man or a nanny, there is one thing that everyone must remember, that is, to have love for this child. Because if the child is severely reprimanded at this time, or when it is abused, it will make the child immediately lack self-confidence.
The most important thing is that when the child's inner sense of security is destroyed, it will directly affect the child's brain development. When a child's brain development is affected, he reduces his chances of collaborating and communicating with others. I have seen that many elderly people with children will have a common phenomenon, that is, polarization is very serious.
What is polarization? That is, when the old man is good to the child, he will pluck out his heart and lungs to be good to him, and that kind of love can even be described as coddling. But once the child is disobedient or the child is naughty to climb up and down, the old man's reaction will be excessive, and it will be particularly fierce.
I used to see the old man catch the child and scold all the time, I saw a little child climbing the mound in my hometown before, and then her grandmother kept scolding the boy; how do you always say that you don't listen? Left ear in and right ear out, you are just like that person, dirty all day, if you do this again Grandma will not want you.
From an educational point of view, as long as that thing does not cause any harm to the body, you should let the child climb and let him experience nature happily, right? But because the vast majority of grandparents are generally not educated with children, they will be very fierce as long as they see their children disobedient, and then they will inexplicably scold their children.
When you keep scolding this child, the final result, from the surface of the situation, this child will be immune to your insults, that is, he will not listen to it at all. You just scold no matter how much you scold, he should play how he should play, this is a result.
This is a kind of self-protection for the child, that is, the child does not want to face you and scold him for his state, so the child will pretend to ignore you. Of course, at this time, parents, or grandparents will feel more angry, and then they will be more fierce to their children.
The deeper harm is that the child's inner sense of security is destroyed, and this long-term insult will make the child feel that no matter what he does, someone will scold him, so the child will not dare to explore the world.
Therefore, when the child is 0 to 6 years old, the most important thing is to give the child enough care and care. Then combined with the "You are the best toy for the child" that we talked about before, to help him understand the world, to help him learn a lot of emotional vocabulary, these are some of the things that can be done at the age of 0 to 6.
The next step is 6 to 13 years old, and the title of this paragraph is called "Trying to Be a Man" At this time, fathers will play a big role, because at this time fathers have to provide a role model and idol for their children.
After a lot of psychological research, it has been proved that if the father is not the idol of the child, the child will have a lot of problems when he grows up. The first is that self-discipline will be relatively poor, he needs to be urged by others to do anything, needs others to ask, and then he comes to meet the urging and requirements of others, so the work will be very passive.
Another problem is the addictive personality, which is actually caused by poor self-discipline. The manifestation of an addictive personality is the love of playing games, smoking, drinking and addictive to the point of not being able to stop, which are all conditions that arise after the lack of the right idol.
Therefore, during the period from 6 to 13 years old, fathers should fully become the idols of their children and play the right object for their children to learn at home. So how should this father become an idol of his child? We'll talk about this later.
One might ask what if it was a single-parent family, or if the father was not at home all day. At this time, the mother should find a male idol for the child, such as an uncle, a grandfather or a grandfather, or an uncle.
The purpose is to be able to have a mentor-type person, and then to take the child together to play with some things that only men can play with, which can help children to establish a sound understanding of men. Otherwise, a 6- to 13-year-old child, if he spends all day with women, then he will not know how a man should grow.
There are many families who will send their children to learn taekwondo, or martial arts or the like, but the biggest benefit is not to make him a martial arts master. Instead, he can have more of the same sex around him, and he can have some such men's things.
Because the process of children's growth is a process of imitation learning, so these 6 to 13-year-old stages should find an idol for children and let children touch some things that boys should touch.
Then after the age of 13, with the continuous secretion of testosterone, it is time to march on men. There will be unfortunate news at this time, because at this stage the child will subvert his idol. After a child enters puberty, he will gradually question his father.
It is that the child will feel that my father does not seem to be as powerful as he thinks, my father seems to make mistakes, my father does not do the right thing, and he will gradually start to pick his father's faults. But this is an inevitable process, so I hope that all fathers can accept this happening.
When your child reaches this stage, he will definitely challenge your position, just like a monkey grows up. If the monkey wants to become the monkey king, then he must challenge the monkey king to become a real monkey king.
So when this kind of conflict occurs, the most important thing for the father to do is to show the child how to resolve the conflict and teach the child how to communicate. At this time, the mother will also play an important role, that is, to be a conciliator to help the child and the father to establish a good communication, which we will talk about later.
Throughout the process of growing up, one of the most important roles here is testosterone. Why is testosterone the most important role in growing up? Let's look at it and we'll see. Why are boys so active? Why do you like to fight right? Why do you like gangs? This is actually all a hormonal effect, and boys especially need tissue. We often see that many boys like to engage in that kind of worship, brotherhood, one hundred and eight generals and the like, because having an organization will make men feel safe, which is also the role of hormones.
From this point of view, in fact, there is not much difference from monkeys, and there will be a strict sense of order. When there is a lack of order in this organization, they will become chaotic, they will fight, and then they will always rely on their fists to punch out a sense of order.
Another difference between boys and girls is that they are significantly later than girls in terms of intelligence and language development, so the author emphasizes in the book that boys should go to school a year later. For example, if a girl goes to school at the age of six and a half, then the boy should go to school at the age of seven and a half, because then the boy will not feel frustrated and will not feel that he has been bullied all day.
If we think about it a little, we will find that the best grades in the class as a child are almost all girls, right? Therefore, many of the class leaders, study committee members, and discipline committee members are almost all women. When a boy is always managed by girls in the class, the boy's self-confidence will gradually lose.
The most important thing is that he will not be interested in learning, because the child will feel that I can't learn well enough for them. So the author suggests that boys should actually go to school a little later than girls. But it is not difficult to find that our domestic parents hope that the sooner they learn, the better.
Some parents even concentrate on having a caesarean section at the end of August in order to get their children to school early. Be sure to be born before September 1st to ensure that your child is not a year later than others, but in fact it may be better to go to school a year later.
The book talks about the question, that is, why are all the best American football players born in September, October, or October? Why? After a lot of statistical research, it was found that it was not the problem of the constellation, but the children born at that time, who went to school a little later than others.
When you choose a body among your peers, they will be better than others, they will always have an advantage, they will always have a sense of superiority. Therefore, they can be selected in the step-by-step screening, and then after step-by-step training, they finally become professional players.
So if you think about it, if you rush to get your child into school too early, is there a possibility that he will always be one size younger than the people in the class? Never stronger than anyone else? And then one wrong step at a time? So don't worry about being a year and a half earlier, and a little later has the benefit of being a little later.
Then boys are also much less talented than girls in language, and girls' ability to learn language is really much faster than boys, so sometimes boys appear to be left-mouthed and stupid.
So what roles should dad and mom play throughout the boy's upbringing? First of all, one of the things that a dad should do most is "let the child feel the presence of the father", that is, you have to play with the child. Some parents may say, I don't have time, I often travel at home, what should I do? It doesn't matter, as long as you can play with your children when you get home, you can play with some things that only men can play.
So what is something that only men can play? Let's say you fight with him, that's one. Some fathers may be afraid of hurting their children, but in fact, it is a learning process that really hurts. Because in the process of wrestling with others, a boy can learn far more than you think.
For example, after you hurt him, he will notice others when he fights with others in the future, and he will know that others will also hurt. At the same time, you can also make rules to avoid harm as much as possible, and you can have fun, which is learning the rules.
Sometimes the child may play and cry, and when the child cries, you have to teach him how to comfort and how to let the other party return to normal, which can be learned through a lot of fighting. You can also take your kids with you to climb mountains, climb rocks, catch fish, pile up mounds and so on.
Many mothers will be particularly nervous when they see their children dirty, and then quickly wipe their children clean. In fact, this does not help to increase their own resistance, and it is actually a good thing for children to touch the dirt in the land. So the first thing is to take more time to spend with the child, take the child to play some things that men play, and let the child feel the existence of the role of the father.
So what else can Dad do besides that? Fathers should tell their children more about themselves. Boys are born with a curiosity, that is, they especially want to know about their father's childhood, and children especially want to know about their father's work. But many parents are particularly mysterious in front of their children, and there are many things that children do not know, which is actually a pity.
In fact, you should take advantage of the fact that the child is still willing to listen to him to tell more stories and experiences, the child is basically willing to listen until the age of thirteen. But after the age of thirteen he began to go in the direction of men, and when you go to talk to the child again, he may say to you, you tell me this again, I have too much to listen to, I have no time.
But if you had laid such a foundation before, he would have been more than happy to hear you. So you should find an opportunity to tell him more stories like this. To let him know more about you, this is also a way to enhance the relationship between father and son.
Another is to let him know what men should do, such as: repair bicycles, change light bulbs, change gas cans, maintain cars, etc., these are all things that men should do. Of course, in modern society these things will become less and less, but you have to let the child know that this is our responsibility.
You can even do some small things together, spell lego or build some models or something, which is also a good way. This can make the child feel that a man should learn these skills.
In reality, we should all see the kind of boy who is a bit feminine, that is, the kind that is a bit feminine. This kind of girly boy is actually not caused by hormones. The most fundamental reason is because when he was a child, almost all of them were women, his father did not care about him, he only had his mother or sister at home. He was surrounded by women, so he simply didn't have a chance to learn from men what a man should do.
There is another thing that needs to be paid great attention to, and that is your relationship with your wife. Because when the child is a child, his knowledge of the opposite sex is all learned from the interaction between you and your wife, and the child will learn how to interact with the opposite sex through the relationship between the two of you. Therefore, as an enlightenment teacher, you must not argue with your wife or even shout in front of your children.
When you have an argument with your wife, try to avoid it as much as possible, and two people solve the problem behind closed doors. Because when you two argue in front of him, the child will do self-attribution, and he will think that it is all caused by him.
When you two make a big fuss in front of him, he will think that only by shouting, only by slapping the table, only by dropping things, the other party can hear. When he reaches puberty, he will show you all the way you were before, because the child has been imitating you. So your relationship with your wife is also a very important example for your children.
The last thing to pay attention to is how to deal with your emotions, and how you deal with your emotions will have a great impact on your child. For example, what should you do as a man when you are stressed, or when you are unhappy? The child has you off, what should you do about it at this time? This is all about setting an example for children.
I believe this is a big problem for a very father, so let's see what the author has specific suggestions.
The first piece of advice is: for a man, you should pay more attention to your family. In the unit, even if you are a leader, in the eyes of the boss, you will always be just a small flower and grass. But even if you are doing the most humble and simple work in the unit, as soon as you come home, you will be towering.
As long as the tree in this house falls, then this house will fall down with it. So I believe you should be able to weigh whether work is important or home is more important. In the work, you can always be replaced, as long as you don't do it, someone will immediately replace you, even if you are the boss can be replaced, because the company may be sold by you. So you have to make a good trade-off, you should put more love and energy into more important places.
The second suggestion is to play with children more things that only men can play.
The third piece of advice is to learn to respect women. Not only your wife, but also other women, learn to respect the weak.
The fourth piece of advice is: Don't argue in front of your children. There can be differences of opinion between husband and wife, and it is normal for couples to have differences between them.
But when you two have a disagreement, tell the child; I have a disagreement with your mother on some point of view, and now we need to talk about it and then solve the problem through dialogue.
The fifth piece of advice is: don't force your child. Just don't have to force your child to grow up the way you think. We must have seen a lot of such tragedies in our lives, that is, this child was arranged by his parents from childhood to adulthood.
For example, for work, or even in love to find a partner, he does not have his own will and choice. His mouth was always the same: whatever you want. Because he has completely given up his choice of himself, everything he does is forced by others.
Parents are too strong is not a wise choice, many parents feel that they know everything, but in fact your imagination space is not as big as children. We must accept the fact that human beings are constantly evolving. We really don't have to be as smart as children, and the world he touches is not the world you know at all.
If you blindly ask your child according to the world you know, let him do this and that, and even not allow the child to jump ship. To have children become civil servants, to make children work in what you think is ideal, is actually to push the child on the road to mediocrity, and it may not be safe.
The sixth piece of advice is: Don't leave your child's circle of life because the family is broken. Not every couple can grow old in vain, so if you have the misfortune to divorce your wife, please don't leave the circle of children's lives.
Many parents will think that if I don't show up, I may be able to get their children back to normal a little faster, but this is completely wrong. In fact, after the parent's party suddenly disappears, the harm caused to the child is the greatest, because he will feel loneliness and fear like never before.
So if you're really unlucky enough to get a divorce, tell your children that although Dad and Mommy are separated, we and you will never be separated. Mom and Dad will always love you, and our love has never diminished.
Then visit the child regularly, and don't be afraid to evoke the child's sadness and choose to disappear. Because once you disappear, the child will feel that mom and dad really don't want me anymore. So these suggestions are really important to a father.
Next, let's talk about the mother, in fact, as a woman, when raising a boy, she will often seem helpless, why is this? Because the mother knows how a girl grows up, the mother will be particularly experienced in raising girls. Even she knew exactly what the child needed to wear, how to dress up, how to talk to her.
Because that's how he grew up, she had experienced the growth of a girl, but she had not experienced the growth of a boy. Therefore, the mother will look particularly anxious at this time, and she does not know how to communicate with her child.
In fact, at this time, we don't have to worry too much, why? First of all, the role of the mother is different from that of the father, because you don't need to show the child how to become a man.
All a mother has to do is give her child enough love, including bathing her child, touching her child, chatting with her child, etc... It's all about the intimacy between mothers and children. It is normal for a boy to have a close relationship with his mother when he is a child.
When this child gradually grows up, that is, after the adolescence we are talking about, he will gradually return to the father's camp. Because at this time he will identify with his identity as a man, so at this stage he will slowly begin to alienate himself from his mother.
In this process, the mother does not have to deliberately alienate the child, needless to say; you have more contact with your father, you play with your father more, you don't have to do this. Moms are also involved in this area, because the most important thing for moms is to help their children build self-confidence.
But in real life, we see that many mothers are doing things that are hitting their children's self-confidence. They often say to their children: don't think that you can be arrogant after you take this test, it is much better than your grades, and you don't feel that you are very strong all day.
I tell you, no one like you will be willing to marry you in the future, and you may not even find a job. I'm sure a lot of moms have said things like that, and they're trying to make their kids better by hitting them, which is completely wrong.
The right thing to do is to help your child build self-confidence, and you can verbally exaggerate your child's strengths, such as: My son is really handsome, and your hairstyle today is really good. Child, you really have a sense of humor, child, you are now more and more responsible.
Because boys have a lot of anxiety during puberty, hormone secretion will change quickly. There will be a lot of pimples on his face, and he doesn't know how to interact with girls, so he will have anxiety and a lot of times when he is not confident. At this time, as a member of the opposite sex, his mother first wants to praise and affirm him to help him build self-confidence.
In addition to giving the child enough praise and affirmation, the mother also needs to help the child to understand women. You can talk to him about girls or help him analyze the girl's mind. When your girlfriend or sister visits the house, you can also let your child participate in your discussion, give him a chance to contact the circle of women, and help him understand the way women think and live.
Another problem is that many mothers will often help their children contract everything except learning under the pressure of their children's learning. Even many mothers will tell their children that as long as you are responsible for doing your homework, you can leave everything else alone. Then the child did not even have the opportunity to wash the dishes, and all let the mother give the package, which is actually not conducive to building an intimate relationship with the child.
The right thing to do is that the mother should take more time with the child to do the housework. When a mother is willing to share the housework with her child, the child's intimate relationship with the mother will be more solid and will create more opportunities for communication. The most important thing is that this process allows children to find a sense of responsibility, so don't neglect the fun of doing housework with your child.
Then when it's time to hold your child accountable, you need to take responsibility for your child. The core is: gentle but there are boundaries, which means that our love and tenderness for children have boundaries. I'll love you, I'll talk to you, but I'm sorry, there are some things you can't do that you can't do. When a child is in adolescence, he will definitely do a lot of rebellious things, or wrong things, and at this time you must allow him to bear the consequences.
For example, if a child is criticized by the teacher for not doing homework, you don't need to worry about him at this time, you don't have to chase after his ass and force him to finish his homework, you don't need to do this. If he did such a thing himself, he would have to bear the corresponding consequences, which is what a boy should do.
And then here's a very important thing for moms to do, which is to avoid yelling. Because women in the process of communicating with children, compared with men will be more likely to lose control. So remind all mothers not to yell or nag in front of their children.
Because this way of nagging and shouting will seriously damage the child's self-confidence and sense of security, and the child's self-evaluation will be particularly low, so the mother should learn to have love, and the father should learn to be enthusiastic. A loving mother coupled with a warm and cheerful father, the child's growth will be more healthy and sunny.
These are all very important things that are covered in the book Raising Boys, and there are many other suggestions in the book, but I personally think there will be some differences between the East and the West here. For example, on the issue of sex, there is also a large chapter of discussion here, I will not go into too much detail here, if parents are interested, you can refer to it yourself.
One thing I find very interesting here is that when a boy becomes an adult, he should be given a coming-of-age ceremony. After this coming-of-age ceremony, you have to discuss with him once, what does it mean to grow up? What does this sex represent, and then how people should be responsible for sex.
After data research, it was found that if the child lacks parental love, the child will be more likely to have sex with others earlier, or there will be some addictive manifestations, so the parental care is really a very important thing for the child.
There is also a very professional discussion here, and we have discussed before in China whether it is necessary for boys and girls to run schools separately. That is, there are special schools for boys and special schools for girls. This was done in ancient times, but many people in modern times think that this will be particularly harmful to children, so education is now mixed together.
However, after research, it was found that the children in the simple boys' school and the children in the simple girls' schools had much better grades than the mixed education schools, and the mood would be much happier. Why? The reason is that they reduce a lot of the pressure from the opposite sex. Therefore, the author suggests in the book that if you want your child to be promoted in all aspects, then going to a single-sex school is a wise choice.
Then the authors also have some suggestions for schools, that is, to allow boys to enroll a year later. Then it is necessary to add a large number of male teachers to the school, and to increase the proportion of male teachers in the school, which will help the growth of boys.
Finally, there is a topic that I think should be talked about with you, and that is about sports. Everyone knows that the benefits of exercise are very many, especially for boys. If a boy can exercise, then his testosterone secretion will become more vigorous and more powerful. At the same time, he will become more responsible, more motivated, more team-oriented, and the benefits are obvious.
But one thing that must be noted is that if the amount of exercise is too large and excessive, then it may lead to extreme behavior in children. There are many athletes who will have such a situation, for example, love to fight, alcoholism, rude behavior, etc., so sports is a double-edged sword,
So the author suggests in the book that of course people should engage in sports, but it is best not to take sports as the only direction of growth. If there is only movement in a person's life, then it may have some unpredictable problems in the future. So don't think of exercise as the only direction of growth, but as a way to assist growth.
These are the core essence of this book, and after reading this book, I also have some ideas. Whether it is raising a boy or a girl, although there will be some differences in the details, the core thing is unconditional love.
It is that you want your child to feel that you love him as a person, not his achievements or other behaviors. So no matter what happens, the first thing to emphasize to the child is the love of the parents for him. Even if you do not get a good score this time, your parents will still love you unconditionally, and you must first emphasize love.
With this unconditional love and communication and understanding as a foundation, the money you and your child have in the emotional account is enough. You know, there are emotional accounts between people. When you have enough money in the emotional account between you and your child, even if you quarrel after puberty, even if the child challenges the authority of the father, etc., it does not matter if there is a little conflict.
You don't have to worry, because that's just a little bit of money taken from your emotional account, because you already have enough money in your emotional account. But the scariest thing is that your emotional account didn't have enough money in the first place, and you're still overdrawing.
So I would like to remind parents that I hope that after you go back, you will have a generous deposit with your children in the emotional account. Only if your emotional savings are rich enough to support him to feel the love and intimacy from his parents all the time in his life.
Speaking of this, everyone has not found that in fact, good things are the same. Whether it is "You are the best toy for children" or "Rebellion is not the fault of children" or "How to cultivate children's social abilities" and including the "Raising Boys" that we talked about today, their core is to have unconditional love existence. In fact, in our ancient education, we also emphasized this point, although we may be able to talk about this matter with a straight face, but in fact, there is no difference between the establishment of a loving relationship with the child, so that the content of our issue is over.
If you find this useful to you, you are welcome to forward it to your family and friends so that they can learn more from it and make our time more valuable.