Many people say, "Self-discipline is freedom." ”
At that time, I didn't know what it meant, after all, "self-discipline" and "freedom" are two words that seem to have completely opposite meanings.
So, I went online to find the answer, and I seemed to find the answer in front of a netizen.
Netizens say that "self-discipline is freedom" means that if people can self-discipline (refers to their own behavior without supervision) - especially, if they can resist temptation, overcome inertia, self-motivation, and pursue self-motivation - and finally get good results, they can have more choices (that is, they can choose freely).
In other words, "self-discipline is freedom" is actually "self-discipline brings freedom."
For example, there are more options for studying hard and getting good grades in school and employment;
Hard work to get a higher salary, climb to a higher platform High salary gives us more choices in life, and high platform allows us to have more choices in our careers.
After reading it, I thought it made a lot of sense, but looking back at my children, I immediately rethought this sentence.
I brought this little life into this world, and I was full of expectations for the future of this little life.
I began to rethink, how should people spend their lives? Is the life that most of us live now a life worthy of my love for this little life?
In the process of thinking about these philosophies of life, my original value system was broken and reorganized, and a new value system was born in my life.
I discovered the meaning of "freedom" to life, and I began to believe in "freedom." I believe that all people, all lives, deserve freedom, and freedom is a natural right.
This belief is the foundation of my parenting philosophy and is implemented in my parenting practice.
My kids basically grew up in an atmosphere of "love and freedom."
Later, I began to shape my parenting philosophy.
Intimate parenting – establish a good parent-child relationship
Natural Parenting – Nurturing returns to authenticity and nature
Love and Freedom – Remove restrictions to support children
So, today I'm going to talk about this so-called "freedom" in light of my experience on the parenting path.
Some parents ask me: Is it because the child is given full freedom that the child will develop better, so we have to give the child freedom?
I understand this this way: I don't think so. Giving children freedom does have many benefits.
But any parenting style will get some benefits. And the reason why we want to give our children freedom is because freedom belongs to every life and everyone.
Lions should gallop freely in the steppe, birds should fly freely in the sky, and fish should swim freely in the water. And children should grow up freely in a free environment, which is the right of children.
But these parents are still confused, so they sincerely discuss with me: Can we really give our children freedom? After giving the child freedom, will the child fall?
You know that adults are also inert and can't resist temptation, and children can't control themselves when they are young. I think it's up to parents to help their children establish good habits first. When the habit is formed and can be self-disciplined, it is not too late to give freedom.
So I began to rethink the relationship between "self-discipline" and "freedom."
I decided to go back to the roots, who said the phrase "self-discipline is freedom"?
All online sources point the author of this sentence to a German philosopher, Kant.
I found the original German text of this sentence: Freiheit als Autonomie.
There is a German document to support this. The "KANT" in the title below is Kant's German name, and "Freiheit als Autonomie" is the original German text of "self-discipline is freedom".
For a total of three words, I looked up the German dictionary one by one:
(1) Freiheit, without a doubt, means "freedom."
But I think that Kant's "freedom" in the phrase "Freiheit als Autonomie" does not mean "a wider range of choices and more choices" in the phrase "self-discipline is freedom".
Rather, it means "man can be self-controlling, unfettered, and unrestricted."
(2) Als, without a doubt, means "to act".
(3) The point is: what does Autonomie mean? Is that what we mean by "self-discipline"?
We understand "self-discipline" to mean: restraining one's own behavior without supervision, especially resisting temptation, overcoming inertia, self-motivation, and pursuing self-motivated behavior.
The antonym of "self-discipline" here means "indulge yourself" and "relax yourself."
And what does the phrase "Freiheit als Autonomie" mean in the German dictionary?
After reading Autonomie's explanation of the words, I think that the Autonomie in the phrase "Freiheit als Autonomie" should not be understood as what we mean by "self-discipline"—"resist temptation, overcome inertia, self-motivate, and pursue self-motivation" without supervision.
Instead, it should be understood as "autonomy"—"governing oneself and exercising power over one's own affairs".
unbelief? You say that this entry interpretation means "self-discipline"?
Yes, it is reasonable to speculate that it is precisely because of the definition of "self-discipline" that Autonomie has given rise to the translation of "self-discipline is freedom" in the world of Chinese.
What does The German Interpretation of Autonomie's "Self-Discipline" mean? We see that "self-discipline" is followed by a parenthesis with the phrase "as opposed to Heteronomie". So if we understand what Heteronomie means, it helps us understand what "self-discipline" means.
I think it can basically be confirmed that Heteronomie means "other rule, not autonomy", so the "self-discipline" relative to Heteronomie is actually the meaning of "autonomy". This is not what we mean by "self-discipline" as we understand it.
At this point, Kant's phrase "Freiheit als Autonomie" has a very clear meaning, it means "freedom is autonomy", "freedom, that is, self-governance, the exercise of power over one's own affairs".
This is a very smooth meaning. It's not as difficult to understand as "self-discipline is freedom"!
From "freedom is autonomy" to "self-discipline is freedom", there have been several layers of misunderstanding in the middle.
First, it misunderstands the "freedom" of "governing oneself" as the "freedom" of "having more choices."
Then, after seeing the word "self-discipline", one of the definitions of the term "Freiheit", it forgets to explore the true meaning of "self-discipline"—the same meaning as "autonomy"—and misunderstands it as the "self-discipline" that "resists temptation, overcomes inertia, self-motivation, and pursues self-improvement without supervision."
He then reversed the order of the words on his own initiative, reversing "freedom is self-discipline" to "self-discipline is freedom."
Finally, self-justification gives an explanation: if people can be self-disciplined, able to resist temptation, overcome inertia, self-motivation, and pursue self-motivation, it is possible to eventually get good results and have more choices - self-discipline is freedom.
In fact, here, I should have re-examined Kant's own "view of freedom" and discovered whether Kant's "Freiheit als Autonomie" meant "freedom is autonomy".
Immediately afterwards, I went to inquire into the "conception of liberty" in Kant's philosophy.
But I was dizzy by a whole bunch of philosophical words, exuberant interpretations, and roundabout argumentative relationships.
Not only did Kant himself struggle to read the first-hand accounts, but even the second-hand accounts relayed by other philosophers struggled to read them. Finally I gave up lazily.
According to the extremely limited understanding I have gained in the past two days, I think that the "freedom" in Kant's "concept of freedom" is that "freedom can be called freedom only when one makes a choice, entirely out of one's own will, and not by the constraints of others." ”
Therefore, I think that the "freedom" in Kant's "concept of freedom" is closer to the meaning of "governing oneself and exercising power over one's own affairs", which is the opposite meaning to "being constrained by others and unable to exercise absolute power over one's own affairs".
The "freedom" in Kant's "view of freedom" should have nothing to do with the "self-discipline" of "resisting temptation, overcoming inertia, self-motivation, and pursuing self-improvement."
If among my readers, there is a person who understands Kant's "concept of freedom", if you understand Kant's "concept of freedom" that contradicts the view that "freedom is autonomy", if I misunderstand it, please be sure to send me a private message in the chat window of the public account and tell me.
In short, I am now quite convinced that Kant is not saying "self-discipline is freedom", but "freedom is autonomy", and the difference between the two is very big.
Although Kant does not say that "self-discipline is freedom", the statement that "self-discipline brings freedom" is not necessarily unreasonable.
If "self-discipline brings freedom" is changed to a statement: "Self-motivation brings more choices", it will be better understood.
To be motivated is to have the possibility of getting better results and having more options.
The phrase "self-discipline is freedom" can be widely spread on the mainland, indicating that the pursuit of "self-motivation" and the pursuit of "having more choices" have a very deep popular foundation on the mainland.
People are eager for a class jump and a better life. One of the ways to make a class transition is to work hard and be angry and strong. In short, it's motivated.
To be self-motivated, to resist temptation, to overcome inertia, and to be self-motivated.
Mainland families have been cultivating their children's self-discipline since their childhood.
The method used is that parents first make some rules to help children develop good habits. After the habit is formed, parents gradually remove the external constraints and let the child's self-discipline play out.
But I would like to say that if this method of cultivating self-discipline is effective, there will not be so many parents complaining: my children can't control themselves at all, they have to be managed by me, can't relax, and once they relax, they get out of control.
Because these parents have never given their children the opportunity to develop true self-discipline.
Because true self-discipline can only be born in the soil of true freedom.
Only the soil of true freedom can give birth to true self-discipline. If it is a good habit that is constrained by the external force of others, it is not self-discipline, but other discipline. Once the external force is removed, good habits may cease to exist.
Many parents are very worried: children are still young, how can they give freedom? At least the children must develop self-discipline before they can slowly give them freedom. If children are given freedom at the beginning, depravity will inevitably follow, they will eat lazily, eat sea plugs, stay up late to indulge, indulge in entertainment. Children are scrapped when they are very young, and it is difficult to correct them when they grow up.
But is this really the case?
My children can be said to have enjoyed freedom from birth (not to say 100%, 90% still have).
Eating, resting, playing, learning, basically all of which are up to her, he is the leader, we are the supporters. (There is only dressing and cleaning, because there is a kind of cold called Grandma afraid of cold, and there is a kind of clean called Grandma who loves to be clean, you know.) ）
But my child is very subjective, no matter how much my grandmother follows the rules, she firmly refuses when she does not want to do it) Now that she is three and a half years old, has she become depraved?
The answer is no.
I saw very clearly from my child that life naturally has the power to upward and good, naturally pursues things that bring him good feelings, and naturally avoids things that give her bad feelings.
He loves delicious food, but eating hysteresis will definitely make the body uncomfortable, and he doesn't have to let himself eat it. In fact, every time he said that he was full, he was determined not to eat another bite.
He likes the feeling of being clear-headed and energetic, and sleeping too little can make her dizzy and listless, which is not a good feeling.
So he must have slept enough before he got up.
He likes fresh, fun, interesting things, how can he eat lazily and do nothing every day?
Children can't stand boredom the most, he will arrange a day of life for himself, including learning and playing, he arranges it well.
He saw books and toys that interested him on the Internet and on TV, and he would ask me to buy them back and show them to him.
When I got it, I read it, or taught him to play, or played it myself.
He saw fun tech museum projects and games on my phone, and he would let me take him to play. He does enjoy watching cartoons, watching them for hours a day, but he also learned a lot in cartoons.
Isn't this the self-directed learning that parents are looking forward to?
From the example of my children, it can be seen that the freedom given from childhood has not brought about the frightening degeneration that parents imagined, but in some ways has bred self-discipline that parents are eagerly awaiting.
I'm trying to be more detailed.
My child has been snacking freely since he was one year old.
Our whole family has no prejudice against snacks, no fear. What children get is true snack freedom, not fake freedom.
What is false freedom, that is, "freedom" with qualifications.
For example, many parents stipulate that children can be allowed to eat a small piece of cake every weekend, as long as they do not eat before meals and do not affect eating meals, other aspects of children are "free".
Your child can decide whether to eat on Saturday or Sunday, strawberry or chocolate, once or in several parts. This kind of "freedom" with qualifications, I call it "false freedom.".
What is true freedom? In my family, in the matter of eating snacks, it is my children who decide whether to eat or not to eat, what to eat, how much to eat, how to eat, and when to eat.
Adults do a good job of snack supply, do not set the rules, do not give constraints, do not make evaluations, do not say two words. These points are very well done in my house.
So is my child completely out of control and addicted to snacking? Not really!
And I feel that the kind of "self-discipline" that many parents are particularly looking forward to has sprouted in children!
Let's just say that yesterday, let's go buy his new favorite snack pot.
Because the shop that sells pots and pans is an internet celebrity snack shop, we waited in line for 20 minutes to wait.
I said: It's not easy to line up once, since you like to eat, I'll buy you two bags of pots, right?
But my kids insisted on buying only one bag. I asked: Why? The child told me: No, let's buy it after eating. Then I asked her: Do you have anything else you want to eat, and I bought it for you.
I pointed to several things for children to choose from. He said: No, just pot.
This kind of behavior of my child can already be called "self-discipline".
I think he's free and disciplined. It was the soil of freedom that gave birth to his self-discipline.
Why does the soil of true freedom breed true self-discipline?
It's like, if you're particularly fond of seafood and suddenly get a chance to eat a seafood buffet that you can only eat once a year, you're probably going to eat a lot, and the wall will go in and out.
And if someone promises you that every day from now on, if you want to eat, you can go there and eat a free seafood buffet.
Then under normal circumstances, just the first few times, you will still eat a lot, and after that, you will never eat yourself every day like this.
From now on, you will only eat seafood when you really want to eat it, and it will be appropriate to eat it.
When a person is convinced that he can eat at any time, as long as he wants to eat, he will not be greedy to eat more, but only when there is a real need, and only eat the kinds needed, only the amount needed.
Because it is human nature to pursue good feelings, there is no need to make yourself uncomfortable. Only when people are not free will they go against their nature and make themselves uncomfortable.
This is true self-discipline.
It is the soil of true freedom that gives birth to this true self-discipline.
Although true freedom almost inevitably gives birth to true self-discipline, the nodes of self-discipline are sooner rather than later.
My child has achieved "snack self-discipline" very early, but "electronic product self-discipline", he can't do it yet.
Because those cartoons are really good to watch, he feels happy from watching cartoons.
The kind of "self-discipline" that parents expect to only look at electronic products for 20 minutes a day, not to mention that children can't do it spontaneously, and we adults can't do it.
We adults hold our mobile phones every day, and we panic without looking at them for half an hour. If we measure ourselves by the standards we ask of our children, our self-discipline is actually very, very poor.
But from another point of view, does looking at the phone delay our work? Not really!
Since there is no delay in work, why should we stipulate that we only look at mobile phones for 20 minutes a day?
So I think it's necessary for us to adjust the standard of "electronic product self-discipline".
In my opinion, "electronic product self-discipline" is not just watching for 20 minutes a day. However, as long as you look at the matter of electronic products, it does not affect the child's learning and the work of adults, which can be counted as "electronic product self-discipline".
For example, my child will go to school in the future, although she usually plays electronic products, but it does not affect the class and homework. For a while before the exam, he could even put down his electronics for a while and set aside time for revision.
And especially before those exams that had a big impact on his life, he was able to do his best to shelve his love for electronics. I think it can be counted as "electronic product self-discipline".
Electronics are not a flood beast, and we should not be too repulsive.
Modern social life is inseparable from electronic products, children can not only learn a lot of knowledge from electronic products now, the future work may also be located in this industry.
Whether it is a child or an adult, it is difficult to resist the temptation of electronic products.
Instead of strictly disciplined children, I think it is better for us to first remove the fear of electronic products and change our understanding of electronic products.
Although my child is not able to "self-discipline in electronic products" now, I have no intention of disciplined him in this regard (I only occasionally remind him to pay attention to the distance between his eyes and to take a proper rest after watching for a period of time).
Because I firmly believe that if you want to build true self-discipline, you must first give true freedom.
A person in a free environment is very likely to be confused for a while.
For example, many students only get real freedom after going to college, and their college years are likely to have a period of extreme indulgence, depravity, and chaos.
After this time, if they succeed in establishing self-discipline, it is basically true self-discipline.
So I want to remind you that if you read my article, you intend to give your child real freedom. Well, when you suddenly let go, your child is likely to fall into a long period of confusion.
He may also be careful to test you first to see if you are really determined to give him freedom. If he confirms, then he will indulge with confidence.
If your child is in school age, he suddenly indulges, plays mobile phones and games all day, stays up late at night, does not wake up in the morning, eats binge snacks, does not do homework, and his test scores plummet, and he does not even want to go to school. Many parents cannot bear this consequence.
They scratch their bones and scratch their hearts, and they are extremely tormented. In the end, they tightened the rope of freedom and returned to the original restraint mode.
If you're like that, I don't think you have to embarrass yourself too much. Anyway, most parents will completely let go of their children after they go to college, and it is a big deal that you will leave this opportunity for freedom to go to college, so that children can develop real self-discipline after going to college.
Before that, as long as you don't control too tightly, you have to manage as loosely as possible, give the child some free space, although the child is a little uncomfortable, it will not be particularly uncomfortable.
Of course, it's not that I advocate it, I just can't help it. Because you say you can't stand it, I can only say that it is okay, you can do as much as you want, don't force it, as long as you don't go too far, children generally can't die, and the most vitality is a little bit. That's what I mean.
What I have always advocated and only advocated is true freedom.
If you can grit your teeth through that long period of chaos, your child will surely develop true self-discipline in the soil of true freedom. But this period is really too difficult to survive.
So I suggest that true freedom is given when the child is younger, the better the effect, and the easier it is for parents to survive.
And the intimate parenting and natural parenting that I advocate are all advocating giving children true freedom from the birth of children. The chaos of the first year or two in a child's life is the easiest for parents to survive.
Intimate parenting says that what the child wants, you give, as long as what the child needs, it is good for the child. In fact, it is to give children freedom.
Natural parenting says that it is necessary to conform to the child's own growth rhythm, raise naturally in real life, and do not artificially add drama to the child. In fact, it is also to give children freedom.
Love and freedom are even more so, emphasizing freedom for children in itself.
So, my three parenting philosophies are consistent, supportive, mutually reinforcing, not contradictory.
Next, I would like to talk about my new understanding of "self-discipline".
As I said at the beginning of this article, before I had a baby, I was a self-disciplined and self-motivated person. I remember a few years of self-discipline to, heck, I not only planned for myself, but also evaluated myself.
I work 8 hours a day, sleep 8 hours, and of the remaining 8 hours, I have to be "self-motivated" for 6-7 hours. I also "self-motivated" for 10-12 hours a day on weekends.
This kind of "self-motivation" not only includes work, study, interest, sports, health, simply all-round.
Get up in the morning to run, read a book on the subway to work, learn English at noon, and learn English at night until 11:30. No one asked me, I was so disciplined, so self-motivated.
But after giving birth, because I personally brought a small life into this world, I began to rethink, how should people live their lives?
Now I don't emphasize self-discipline anymore, because I don't think self-discipline is a particularly good state.
Those years, did you say I enjoyed it? I also enjoyed it. For example, I often go to see some drama drama drama, dance drama, musical drama, and that's because I like it, so I am very enthusiastic to watch it.
For example, learning English, although my job does not require English, but because I like English, I also have a passion to learn.
But there are also some things that I drive purely by will. For example, running, I don't like running, but I still force myself to run. There are also some books that can improve their abilities, but out of a need, they must also read it.
There is also learning English, and if I learn English the way I watch American dramas, it doesn't need any will. But in addition to watching American dramas, I also forced myself to memorize words every day, and memorizing words depends on will.
So in those years, I needed to make a daily plan, motivate myself, and evaluate myself.
This kind of self-discipline guaranteed by the will is not a particularly good state of affairs now.
Because I found a state far better than this.
The best state of man is to follow his feelings, to meet those things that can bring good feelings to himself, and to avoid those things that bring bad feelings to himself.
Discover your own interests, passions, talents, and find the love of this life. When people find love and put it into it.
People no longer need self-discipline, but will spontaneously and spontaneously devote themselves wholeheartedly. People will create the beautiful works of this life, achieve true self internally, and create a new world externally.
All self-discipline must be established in the process of growing up and satisfying full freedom!