Many parents, when asked about parenting, are related to "how to do".
However, if the parents are not healthy, even if there is a book on "how to do", all do as the book says, or create a problem child.
Parents with healthy personalities do not need this book at all to raise a healthy child.
How does the relationship between parents and children affect the child's personality?
I have summarized 20 sentences so that you can remember that I will talk about 11 of them today.
01.
What kind of parents are is more important than how parents do it.
This sentence was said by the autologous psychoanalyst Kohut.
"Who are the parents" refers to the personality of the parents.
What kind of personality parents are good parents?
There are many sayings, such as fun people, healthy narcissists, careless and sunny people, and so on.
Let's say something new: refreshing people.
Such a person is characterized by:
Clear boundaries in the relationship, not sticky and slimy;
Be able to enjoy themselves and be less dependent on others;
Deal with things decisively, do not drag mud and water;
Also respect the boundaries of others, do not invade and do not destroy ...
If you ask, how to achieve the state of refreshing personality? For all these questions, I give a general answer.
There are only three ways of personality change:
One is to consciously train one's "awareness", including being aware of one's emotions, thoughts, desires, and actions, and to understand the meaning behind these states;
The second is to deal with various people and loosen the rigid part of their personality in the new interpersonal relationship;
The third is to find a psychoanalyst.
02.
Parents subconsciously tend to
Let the child taste the taste of all kinds of pain in his childhood,
Make your child the person who understands him best.
Those who have been abandoned will abandon their children;
Those who have been treated roughly will treat their children roughly.
Sadly, the motivation for doing so is love, because loving someone makes him like himself in some form.
But it's unhealthy, undifferentiated love.
Healthy, differentiated love is what frees the child from the fate of his parents and becomes himself.
03.
Parents with a tendency to over-control at the personality level,
May be creating a child with a mental disorder.
In order to avoid losing control of their children, overcontrolled parents will unconsciously suppress their children's various abilities.
For example, some parents casually formulate a rule: adults talk about children do not interject.
This may suppress a child's ability to:
Sensitivity to the environment and response accordingly;
Speak your mind before authority.
You know, the child's intuitive ability is higher than that of adults, and suppressing children as adults is equivalent to directly suppressing children's intuitive ability.
If you're going to discuss real adult things, find a place where the child isn't there.
Otherwise, he was invited to participate, but he was not allowed to participate, which put him in a double bondage situation.
Studies have proven that this is an environmental feature that produces severe mental illness.
There is a passage about double bondage:
One man had a dog and named it "Don't Move."
The man often said to the dog, "Don't move, come here," or "Come, don't move."
It is said that the dog went crazy later.
04.
Some "mistakes" for children,
Especially for frequently made "mistakes", it is best to delay the reaction.
Because your immediate reaction may make your child addicted to "mobilizing" your emotions and behaviors in this way.
We all have this experience: as soon as I provoke, the other party immediately responds, which is a cool thing.
05.
Family trauma is sometimes like an heirloom.
Patriarchy is a common family trauma at the cultural level.
In many clinical cases, the persecution of generations of women is appalling.
Many women's lives are ruined by this dehumanizing cultural tradition.
Sadly, in multi-child families, if there is a tradition of son preference, the end is often that women develop well and men are weak.
The psychoanalytic explanation for this is that valuing men creates an excessive concentration of relationships, which is equivalent to castrating men in effect, while neglected women have gained room for free development.
I believe women don't need such "inexplicable" so-called benefits.
A good family landscape should be: regardless of gender, you can have the conditions to be able to fully develop yourself, both financially and attitudinally.
The ideal cultural environment is that the interests and rights of boys and girls are not one or the other, but equal, and more desirablely, sufficient.
06.
Strict requirements for children,
May stem from disappointment in their own parents,
And disappointment in yourself.
Parents who are satisfied with themselves will not complain, nor will they ask their children's achievements to eliminate their grievances.
To put it bluntly, those who can defeat other adults in their own lives will not beat their children in family life to compensate for the lack of superiority.
Disappointment in others is essentially compensation for self-denial: I am disappointed in you, and I forget to be disappointed in myself.
07.
Impatience with children may be that the parents are not independent enough.
Tutoring children with homework is already a phenomenological social problem.
The child will not do it three times over and over again, which will activate the parents' fusion anxiety:
The time spent "together" with the child exceeds the threshold, the alarm goes off, and the parent leaves the child emotionally with "impatience."
The ability to be patient is almost equal to the degree of personality independence of a person, because a person with a sufficiently independent personality, how long he is with others, will not affect his emotions, he is still him, will not be so eager to push others away with impatience.
08.
The perfect parent will make a problem child.
The essence of perfectionism is that the personality is weak.
There is no room for imperfection, or a sense of humiliation that comes with some kind of imperfection, which is projected onto the child.
Parents with a score of 60 are the best environment for their children to grow up healthily.
The perfect mother also curbs her child's creativity.
The "shortcomings" of mothers are the source of creativity for children.
Creativity is the child's ability to make up for the mother's imperfection at the level of fantasy.
If the mother is "perfect," she doesn't need to create.
09.
Parents overemphasize something, and it often backfires.
So there is a joke that the doctor's child is prone to illness, and the teacher's child is prone to poor academic performance.
When parents overemphasize something, the child's subconscious mind will work in the opposite direction in order to protect his independent will and avoid the humiliation caused by submission to authority.
Also, the emphasis of parents itself may be reversed: as much encouragement as there is opposition.
For example, a mother who repeatedly tells her adolescent son to make more friends may be afraid that her child will abandon herself after making more friends;
What is more "ingenious" is that I said I want you to make friends, and if you really go, it is also I who take the initiative to ask you to go, and my feeling of being "abandoned" will weaken.
So your "encouragement" to make friends with him becomes his "staying with you" at home.
10.
Trust in children is a healthy adventure.
Trust is the best gift a parent can give to a child.
The basic belief of humanism is that all people have the need to automatically develop in the direction of conforming to the requirements of mainstream society.
For example, obeying the law, fulfilling obligations, loving human beings, etc., if someone does not do so, it is because his tendencies are disturbed.
Distrust of children is essentially a parent's distrust of themselves.
They also don't know why they stumbled to where they are now, their antisocial desires are not symbolized or conscious, so they are projected onto the child, and it becomes the idea that the child will become a criminal if he is not strictly disciplined.
Or, the motivation for parents to achieve fame comes from getting rid of the very bad environment in the early years, and they take it for granted that giving their children a bad environment can make them work hard.
They don't know that time has passed, and those trusted children will definitely have more lasting combat effectiveness and more ability to make themselves happy than the children of "snow shame".
11.
Treat children as psychological beings,
This is called mentalization.
The presence of biology means that they need water, food and air;
The existence of psychology means that they need love, trust, freedom, independence and a life where they can say the truth.
Lu Xun said: I have never been afraid to speculate with the worst malice Chinese.
We know that Lu Xun is a wise and deep patriot, and he said this to warn the people of his country.
This sentence is changed to become: I have never been afraid to speculate on my parents with the worst malice, and I say this in order to warn my parents.
The parents I am talking about here are not our parents, but us as parents.
The beautiful relationship between parents and children is the reason why there are many beautiful people in this world.
I have no intention of denouncing our parents, I just hope that ourselves in the role of parents can prevent the trauma of the family and even the nation and pass it on to our next generation.
The task of psychoanalysis is to make sure that all children come into this world without regret.
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