Wen 丨 Forest Mommy
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said that there is only one kind of love, that is, "seeing", in addition, it is called goodwill.
Chinese parents always regard their children as their own everything and are willing to give everything for their children, and I do not believe that they do not love their children.
But many children feel that their parents don't love them at all.
Many parents continue to pay, pay, pay, pay to exhaustion, in exchange for only the child's rebellion and accusations, some parents even use "white-eyed wolf" to describe the child, what is going on?
Herein lies the problem: there is only one kind of love, which is "seeing," and all of them are called good intentions.
You think that taking care of the child's food, clothing, shelter, and transportation, giving the child the best material conditions, the best educational resources, this is love, but in fact, in intimate relationships, this is not called love, there is only one kind of love, that is, to see.
For example, when a child discovers a funny thing, he always has to pull his mother to see, it seems that only after the mother's gaze, this thing exists, and his happiness is meaningful.
And when you look through the eyes of what the child sees, he feels love, it's as simple as that.
Why is the process of "seeing" love?
Because when you and I see something together, the link is established between us. The relationship between people is formed by links, and the formation of a link requires three steps of departure, transmission and reception, and each step is wrong, and the link cannot be established.
Just as "for your own good" from a one-sided point of view, it is not necessarily possible to complete this link, because the adult's understanding of the meaning of some behaviors is inconsistent with the child, so usually after a long time, the child grows up, finally understands the meaning of the behavior of parents and mothers, and then feels love. But then we miss too much.
Therefore, if you want to let your child grow up in love from an early age, there is an action that cannot be ignored, that is, when the child shares with you, listen carefully to feel, so that the link between you is a little more, not only the parent-child relationship, but also any intimate relationship.
Whether parents can see the real needs of the child itself, no longer just look at the child's external performance, which directly determines whether the child can directly feel your love in his heart.
Now many parents also complain that their children can't open up to themselves, I said, maybe the child wanted to communicate with you at the beginning, but the initial opening was blocked by you?
Teacher Li Xue's book "When I Met a Person" gives an example when introducing the part of "Seeing, it is the beginning of the healing of the mother-child relationship".
A boy's hobby is playing basketball, and once he came home happy after playing basketball and said to his father, "Daddy, I'm so happy playing today"! Dad: "The hobby of playing basketball is very good, you can exercise your body, cultivate willpower, you have to stick to it." ”
When he was going to tell his father about the wonderful moments when he played basketball, what a handsome dunk and fun to play, his father talked about the sky to death, if you were this child, what would you think?
"It's really boring, I want to share my happiness with my father, I thought he would applaud me, at least my father was very happy to see you so happy, but he began to preach..."
Unfortunately, these words, a small child will not say, he will not even so clearly analyze his own psychology, but he will indeed feel that dad does not understand me, can not share happiness with me, will only teach with the mentality of parents, he will feel that this father is really not interesting, in the future encounter such things, will not open his mouth.
I also met a girl and her mother, who used to be very clingy to her mother and had a relatively close relationship with her mother until these things happened:
Once the girl had a headache and said she might not have slept well at night. Mom said: "It's you playing with your phone, telling you not to look at your phone every day..."
Another time the girl's stomach hurt, and her mother said: "You play with your mobile phone all day, the food is not good, the food is not healthy, tell you to drink more water and don't listen..."
The girl hit the ball and hurt her arm, mom my hand seemed to be strained, my mother said: "Can your arm not hurt when you hold the mobile phone all day..." The girl may play with the mobile phone is a bit excessive, but this can not be the reason why the mother can't see her pain.
From then on, even if the girl has a fever, she will only take some cold medicine herself, and when her mother asks again, she will only say, "It's okay."
These are all trivial matters in your daily life, will it really affect the parent-child relationship?
Yes, not seeing the real needs of the child, and always educating the child with the "good for you" mentality will only fall into the cycle of communication difficulties.
Further on, when your child was wronged in school and felt sad, but you still asked him to complete his homework seriously and on time, he who could not express his feelings very well, after being criticized by you, would he open his heart to tell you why he did not want to write homework?
When you have changed your baby's diaper, finished feeding, hugged and coaxed and finally collapsed on the couch and wanted to catch his breath, the wow pulled you back hard again; when your child didn't want to write homework and you patiently taught it over and over again, he still rubbed or cried directly to you...
It's maddening, but do you understand the real reason behind the child's crying or behind the so-called "disobedience"?
At this time, someone said, "Whatever the reason is, it is all a reason, he is lazy, he just doesn't want me to rest!" ”
Have you ever thought that the baby's crying is not hungry, the diaper is uncomfortable, it's just that you are too tired to hold him, he just wants to snuggle in your arms for a while, or be held by you to look up at the world from a different perspective, instead of looking at the ceiling alone?
But his thoughts will not be expressed, only crying, and when you feel: Can you stop crying, what he feels is your rejection, you silently reject his needs, although you do not know what his needs are.
Take playing basketball, children playing basketball can get a happy experience, which is also to make children experience the existence of life, children's cognition of the world continues to grow, he will share his feelings with you, you see only the functional value of this sport, not the child's rapid breathing, happy cheeks, satisfied expression, then you and the child are not in a space at all, you naturally can not see the real needs of the child.
"I'm all for your own good", many of our parents have said this many times unconsciously, it is not easy to be a parent, but in another way, it can also make getting along easier and make the parent-child relationship more intimate.
In the TV series "The World" starring Lei Jiayin, the quarrel scene between Zhou Bingkun's father and son made many people break their defenses. Just like this father, many parents do not understand why they have worked hard to raise a child, and finally got the child's resentment, why the child does not know how to thank his parents and becomes a "white-eyed wolf"?
In fact, it is not the child who has become a white-eyed wolf, we must respect that the child is an independent life individual, he also has his own ideas, his own small world, we must think more about what is the reason behind the child's "trouble" and "disobedience", rather than blindly blaming "why don't you do what I think".
Each child is a unique individual, participating in his world, seeing the world with him, seeing his heart, you can read your child, enter his world, and easily control the harmonious parent-child relationship!