Parents: Don't grind and rub, hurry up and write homework!
Child: ... (I go my own way and ignore the urge)
Parents: Do you want a lego? Hurry up and finish your homework and buy it for you!
Child: Talk is counted!
Under the temptation of "carrots", the child hurriedly finished his homework, and the mistakes made the parents angry.
Parents: Did you write seriously? Still want to buy Lego? rewrite!
Child: If you don't buy it, don't buy it, it's not rare!
Does this scene feel familiar to you? While you are indignant that the little devil is too difficult to discipline, the "little angel" of other people's homes is extremely red-eyed.
Actor Haiqing's child egg girl, do not finish homework and do not sleep, high-speed rail, long-distance planes can not hinder him from completing the list in his heart, as a mother Haiqing is distressed, his words also reveal pride.
So, what makes the difference between children so great?
Between the "little angel" and the "little demon", the difference is actually the converter - the internal drive. If there is no awakening of the child's internal drive and allowing them to work spontaneously, no matter how much the parents do, they will be more than they can do. In addition to the indisputable sigh, parents should first clarify, how does the internal drive affect the growth and life development of children? Then reflect on whether you have given your child fertile ground for developing internal drive?
Motivation is the direct force that drives individual activities and is the source of motivation for individuals to achieve life goals and career goals. In the process of motivation dominating actions to achieve goals, individuals will build self-confidence and self-esteem.
In his book Intrinsic Motivation: The Surprising Truth About Human Motivators, Daniel Pinker argues that trying to motivate children with external reward or punishment threats is a mistake. The secret to a child's performance is to stimulate, maintain and develop their intrinsic motivation. Academically, intrinsic motivation refers to the individual engaging in an activity in order to obtain some intrinsic reward (such as curiosity, fun, self-confidence, sense of accomplishment, etc.), neither to obtain an external reward nor to avoid punishment, but simply to enjoy the pleasure of engaging in an activity, or to see an activity as an opportunity to explore the world, learn knowledge, and develop personal potential. Popular understanding is what people often call "internal driving force". Combining the views of most scholars, the internal drive is usually composed of the following three elements: a sense of autonomy, the desire to dominate the individual's life; a sense of belonging, which promotes harmonious, trusting, and cooperative interpersonal relationships, including parent-child relationships, teacher-student relationships, and peer relationships; and a sense of competence, and an individual's ability to do things well and have a certain positive impact on himself and the external world.
Parents want their children to take the initiative to learn, but often in daily teaching, there are behaviors that undermine children's enthusiasm and initiative, and they do not know it. The following common mistakes in the parenting process should be paid attention to by parents.
Mistake #1: Use power and high pressure to make children obey
Three of the most common ways in which parents incorrectly influence their children's behavior. First, the demand for power. Use threats such as punishment and revocation of privileges to make children submit. Second, withdraw care. Decide how you care for your child based on your child's behavior. Third, impose values. Cultivate and demand children with their own values, but do not explain the reasons. Children do not understand why parents value certain behaviors and are unable to internalize and act on these values.
In the case of house rules, for example, no one likes a sense of powerlessness or has no say in their own lives. If the child is not involved in the formulation of house rules, but is asked to comply with them, it will be very resistant. Even if complied with by powerful demands, withdrawal of care, etc., this kind of compliance is only a symptom of the presence of parents, and children will not maintain these rules for a long time. When another form is discussed and formulated by both parents and children, parents guide children to establish correct values, and children use their own recognized values to regulate personal behavior, they have the motivation to abide by the rules. Guided values as a parenting model that can have a lasting impact on children can make them more idealistic.
Mistake 2: Drive behavior through material rewards
Rewards and punishments may be effective in the short term, but do more harm than good in the long run. For example, in order to make a child achieve good results in the exam, parents promise a reward of 100 yuan. When trying this for the first time, parents will find that their children are really trying harder than before. But after a few weeks, the child's motivation to learn will begin to decline, and he will even complain that the value of the effort is far more than 100 yuan. Once the parent withdraws the reward, the child's motivation is gone. In addition, external rewards may also lead to "excessive rationalization effects", and the internal drive of children to do things will be weakened by the influence of external rewards, so that things done out of personal interest become "work".
Mistake 3: One-sided emphasis on the importance of grades
Emphasizing the importance of grades can motivate children to learn, but not make them lifelong learners. Learning is not only about getting good grades, it's also a process of enjoyment, and only by experiencing this can children have a lasting motivation to learn. Parents should convey to their children the idea that success in life is not defined by grades, but by whether they can master and use what they have learned to make themselves and others better. Children can be encouraged to participate in volunteer service activities, and by tutoring younger children to feel the sense of accomplishment brought about by using what they have learned and know to help others, so as to enhance the sense of learning mission and social responsibility, not only the current achievements, but constantly surpass themselves. Grades are not all about a child's growth, improving athleticism through physical activity, and improving social skills through games and gatherings are just as important to them. Parents should not think that hobbies and leisure activities are a waste of time and block them, otherwise they will destroy the parent-child relationship.
Mistake #4: Regulate everything
Arranging your child's life in great detail deprives you of your child's autonomous experience. When children lose the opportunity to make their own choices, they will focus on completing the goals set by their parents and will not have time to think about personal goals. Only by allowing children to plan their own personal activities and take responsibility for their own actions can they become mature. Children who are independent, organized, and able to take responsibility for themselves will be more confident. When cultivating independence, parents should let their children know that when they need support, parents are always there.
Mistake #5: Lack of a "learning" family culture
Children are observational learners, and the family culture atmosphere will have a subtle impact on them. In terms of learning, teaching by example is better than words. In the learning family culture atmosphere, it is seen that parents love to learn, and children will imitate their parents' behavior. When parents demonstrate the joy of lifelong learning, children also realize that the value of learning is not limited to achieving excellent results.
Mistake #6: Ignoring or denying your child's efforts
Many parents do not give timely affirmation and encouragement after their children achieve good results, but constantly tell their children that they should be more focused and work harder. This can make the child feel that he cannot be praised in any way, and then lose the motivation to act, and even think that he is incompetent. Children care a lot about their parents' opinions, so whether they have reached the predetermined goal or not, when parents see their children's progress and positive attitudes, they must recognize their efforts. In this way, the child will develop more lasting and stronger autonomy.
Mistake 7: Ignore the root cause of bad behavior
Parents usually focus only on their child's bad habits or bad behaviors themselves, but do not dig deep into the reasons behind these behaviors. Problem behavior usually occurs for two reasons. First, the child has repeatedly failed in academics, has a sense of learned helplessness, feels that he is useless, and breaks the jar and gives up his efforts. To this end, parents should pay more attention to their children's shining points and help them build confidence. Second, parents rarely communicate with their children, and only pay attention when they do something wrong, and the child deliberately does something wrong in order to get attention. In the face of such a situation, parents should communicate with their children with a peaceful and equal mentality, so that children are willing to share their successes and failures. Give children affirmation and encouragement in a timely manner, help them summarize successful experiences, reflect on the lessons of failure, find effective ways to solve problems, and continuously enhance their confidence and perseverance to overcome difficulties and cope with frustration.
Work pressure, busy life, parents will inevitably make mistakes in parenting methods, resulting in children losing motivation to learn. Parents feel deeply guilty and uneasy about this, so it is better to find out their mistakes, take remedial measures in a timely manner, and develop a remediation plan. In order for the program to be feasible and targeted, parents can focus on the following questions: How to start motivating their children? What can be done to achieve the best incentive effect? How to lead by example and be a role model for your child? Implementing remedial plans will improve parent-child relationships and parents will see a real transformation in their children.