"The Courage to Be Hated" (3) confronts life's problems and solves the troubles in human relationships

Today, we continue to talk about The Courage to Be Hated. Before we start today's content, let's take a look back at the key points of yesterday's talk.

Yesterday we studied the first night of discussion between philosophers and youth in this book, and through the study of the first night, we understood that all the misfortunes of life are chosen by ourselves, and that any unfortunate experience or tragic event is not the cause of misfortune.

We are free to give new meaning to past experiences, and life is not given by others, but by choosing how to live it ourselves.

Life has potential, and the only way to be happy is to make a change. Life can go to happiness at any time, and only by taking the courage to change the present, changing cognition or lifestyle can we go to happiness.

Today we continue to follow the dialogue between the philosophers and the second night of the youth to learn that "all troubles come from relationships"

Through learning, you will understand why "all troubles come from relationships" and how we can correctly face the "three major issues" of life to solve troubles and misfortunes.

The problem starts with the young man who feels that he hates himself and dislikes himself, and he uses "teleology" to explain this behavior, how can he not explain it.

Philosophers explain why with the story of a girl with "blushing phobia."

A girl can't cure blushing phobia to ask for help from the philosopher, who believes that the reason why the girl always has blushing phobia is because she is afraid of confessing to the beloved boy that she is rejected, and she "needs" the symptom of "blushing".

Girls who do not have a blushing phobia will confess to boys, and they may be rejected by boys, which will bring blows or self-denial.

On the contrary, as long as there is blushing phobia, she can comfort herself, and the reason why she can't interact with boys is because she has blushing phobia, so blushing phobia becomes the "need" of girls here. The funny thing is that after the girl was accidentally confessed by the boy, the girl's blushing phobia was cured.

Just like the girl's "blushing phobia", the philosopher believes that the young man is rejected or despised by others in order to avoid being hurt in interpersonal relationships, so he chooses to see only his own shortcomings and shortcomings, so that he does not have to "associate" with anyone and will not be hurt in his heart.

And how can a person who only sees his own shortcomings and shortcomings like himself?

Here, "keeping oneself full of shortcomings" is good for young people, and the advantage is that they can think self-righteously that "as long as I don't have these shortcomings, I will be liked by others", even if I am rejected by others, I can comfort myself with my shortcomings.

So is the youth right? Are there relationships that won't hurt? Philosophers believe that as long as they are involved in interpersonal relationships, they will be hurt more or less, and they will also hurt others, and interpersonal relationships are the source of all troubles.

Envious eyes when you see others better than yourself, jealousy when you see others living happier than yourself, seeing others' high education, good careers... If you are inferior to others, you will have an "inferiority complex"...

Philosophers remind that the term "inferiority complex" was the first used by Adler and is equivalent to the meaning of "inferiority", that is, the feeling of "less value".

The author, who is only 155 centimeters tall (Adler is said to be about the same height), has been struggling with his height in his youth, and when he tells his thoughts to his friends, his friends think that this idea is particularly boring.

Friends think that if you look at height alone, being tall and strong will bring a sense of deterrence, while being short will make people let down their guard, so it seems that short stature has become an advantage.

Moreover, although he is short in stature, the author has the ability to make people relaxed and happy, and should not just stare at his height and say things.

The so-called height is also relative to others, with the comparison to produce the conclusion of insufficient height, so for their own height and inferiority is also a subjective feeling, if not compared, there will be no "inferiority" subjective feelings.

"Inferiority complex" is also a word about self-value judgments, all values are based on social significance, if there is only one person in the world, then there is no comparison and contrast, the value of all things is determined by ourselves.

We are free to define the value of a dollar note, which can be used as toilet paper, or put into a fireplace, and when there is only one person in the world, naturally there is no worry about height, so the value problem can eventually be traced back to interpersonal relationships.

Adler thought that people are born to pursue a better self, when they cannot achieve their ideal goals, when they are inferior to others, they will have an inferiority complex, but the feeling of inferiority is not a pathology, but a catalyst for promoting healthy and normal efforts and growth.

Xiao Li who entered the university came from the countryside of a small county, the family's economic conditions were relatively poor, watching the classmates generous themselves but even the basic living expenses were saved from the teeth by their parents, he felt embarrassed, dwarfed, especially inferior, but he understood that the starting point of his parents could not determine his own end, he believed that his hard work and study could definitely change this situation, so he studied harder, hard, after four years of perseverance and hard work, he successfully admitted to the graduate school of the university, and the students looked at him with disdain. In the end, he joined a Fortune 500 company, and the economic conditions also rose, completely out of misfortune and inferiority.

On the contrary, the "inferiority complex" is a complex and abnormal psychological state, which has no half-cent relationship with the "inferiority complex".

The inferiority complex is a state of using my inferiority complex as some kind of excuse, for example, I can't succeed because of my low education, and so on, because there is A, so I can't do B, this is the typical inferiority complex, the subtext of these people is: as long as there is no A, I will also be a capable and valuable person, and in this situation the inferiority complex will evolve into a "superiority complex".

When there is no courage to change the status quo, and when you cannot accept the "incompetent self", you will act as if you are excellent, and then immerse yourself in a false sense of superiority.

Some people will falsely report their resumes, or over-pursue designer clothing, which is actually the pursuit of a false sense of superiority. There are also some people who deliberately "boast" of pride and arrogance, which actually stems from his sense of inferiority.

From this, it is concluded that although the inferiority complex and the superiority complex seem to be opposite in name, they are actually two different manifestations of inferiority, and some people exaggerate their own misfortunes and use the sympathy of others for the unfortunate situation to dominate others to show their superiority. Whether it is an inferiority complex or a false sense of superiority, the heart will not be peaceful, so how do we face the uneven situation of life?

Adler thought that life is not a competition with others, but a competition with oneself, as long as you keep yourself moving forward, you don't have to compare yourself with others, you only need to compare yourself with the "ideal self", at this level, all people are "different but equal", and the real value of people lies in constantly "surpassing themselves".

As long as there is "competition", people can never get rid of the troubles brought about by interpersonal relationships, nor can they get rid of misfortune.

When competition exists, there is always A superior to you, B education is much higher than you, C position is higher than you, then there will be an inferiority complex or superiority complex. These A, B, C and other people will become competitors in their hearts, become enemy-like beings, when surrounded by enemies, how can people be at ease? The world becomes a dangerous place, and nature will be reborn with troubles and no happiness at all.

It becomes very important for those who are born in society to deal with these social relations in the midst of various social relations, and to avoid the troubles and misfortunes brought about by interpersonal relations. Adler thought attaches great importance to interpersonal relations, but also good at facing the problems that must be faced in life, is a model of "individual psychology", specifically, he believes that people should correctly face the "three major issues" of life.

These three major topics are the topic of making friends, the topic of work, and the topic of love.

Here, "subject" can be understood as a simple interpersonal relationship, but the depth of interpersonal relationships is different, and when faced with interpersonal relationships that we have to face, we call it a life problem.

As people in society, our behavioral goals must be self-reliant and can also coexist in harmony with society, and to achieve these goals, we can solve them by facing the "problems of life" directly by Adler.

So how to correctly face the work problem?

No one can do any work independently, any work needs the cooperation of others, for example, writing a book manuscript, no one can replace it, it must be done by itself, but with the presence of editors and the assistance of bookbinders, printers and distributors or bookstore personnel, this matter can be fully implemented.

Relationships at work will turn back into other people's relationships after work or changing careers, but some people will hate work because they don't handle interpersonal relationships well at work. Its essence is not to hate work, but to hate relationships. At this time, we need to have the attitude that we regard others as small partners, and believe that we are capable, and the relationship between small partners is of course to help each other and cooperate with each other, so that we will not become hostile forces because of competition, and can coexist peacefully.

When dealing with the issue of dating, because there is no work relationship mandatory, dating will become more difficult to start and develop, at this time more need to make changes in themselves, can not wait for others to change, can not wait for the situation to change, but to bravely take the first step. You don't have to be afraid to deal with people, and you can't avoid life's problems because of your lack of courage.

The topic of love is the most difficult of the three major issues of life to unlock. When it comes to a romantic relationship, the distance is deeper but the constraint is more Adler's thought does not agree with the mutually restraining relationship.

He believes that bondage is the performance of wanting to dominate the other party, and it is also based on the idea of distrust, and there will be no good relationship between two people who do not trust.

Just like the couple we mentioned on the first day, the wife because of the distrust of her husband, installed a monitor on the car, mobile phone positioning, telephone check post, check mobile phone chat records, etc., the husband originally did not have deviant behavior, under this series of divine operations, it was not very annoying, miserable, and finally proposed divorce.

Adler believes that love can only be experienced when you feel unrestrained, and you can remain calm and natural.

No matter how difficult the relationship is, we can't choose to escape, we must face it bravely, even if the relationship will eventually break down, we can only face it. This principle applies to the three major topics of work, the topic of making friends, the topic of love, the desire to build harmonious relationships, and finally return to the problem of "courage". To discuss "courage", one has to mention "freedom". Tomorrow we will share "freedom".

Today, I mainly shared with you "Why all troubles come from interpersonal relationships" and "How to face the three major issues of life to resolve troubles and live happiness".

Tomorrow, we will explain to you how to exercise your freedom, separate yourself from other people's subjects, live not to meet the expectations of others, and have the "courage to be hated by others."

Well, today's sharing is over, see you tomorrow.