1. My frontier with the book
Probably at the beginning of last year, I have been thinking about some obsession or the reason for my original family or other factors that I don't know yet, I have always felt unconfident, I have no sense of control over anything, and I am always unclear about the future, full of anxiety.
Yet the reason for everything, I think, is self-perceived incompetence. And the root of this incompetence I boil down to my family of origin, to my parents, and especially to my father's inappropriate approach to my education, like most traditional parents — percussion education. And this kind of percussion education did not serve my father's original purpose, to become more and more courageous or, as my father said, to arouse my fighting spirit.
In fact, this is not entirely true. In the very beginning, it still had some effect, and it really aroused my fighting spirit, at least I want to prove that I can, not as my father said!
However, I did not meet my father's expectations in the end, which made my father even more disappointed, and he shouted in the sky: "I really regret that I always let you study!" Get you to college! ”
That year, I had just graduated, and I don't know why my father sighed so much! Maybe life had weighed on him for too long, and I was his last straw, but he finally found out that I was just waste wood. However, what he didn't know was that this sentence was like a thousand arrows piercing through the heart, shattering the last pride and pride!
I depressively chose to leave, I didn't believe I was just a waste of firewood. However, in the dead of night, this sentence has been echoing in my ears, like a spell, making me start to doubt myself.
If I had to paint a picture of those days, I would have liked it to be black.
Later, I met my husband, and I thought he would be my salvation, he would give me strength, and his love might light a light on my dark starry sky. But I found that my husband was only drinking and quenching his thirst, and he was also the one waiting for redemption, no better than me.
To be sure, I just jumped from one pit to another, but our pits were different.
But I never gave up on self-redemption, I longed for self-confidence, longed for sunshine, longed to be loved, longed for everything beautiful that can give strength!
Perhaps in the darkness, there is a force that guides me to find the light, and I stumble upon an article called "Why Do You Have to Get Parental Approval", which mentions the book "The Courage to Be Hated" written by a Japanese scholar who has studied and accomplished Adler's psychology.
Without hesitation, I immediately placed an order from the Internet, the book was received, and I was not very excited, maybe because of the Japanese!
I only read the first two nights of the book and set aside. Until later, when I was unemployed at home, I read the book intermittently while taking the children.
I wanted to write a book review, but I was always afraid that I wouldn't be able to write it well, to be precise, I didn't know how to write a book review.
It dragged on and on, until I had the urge to pick up a pen and write an article, and then I remembered the book I had read.
I once abandoned the pen and did not write because of money, re-picked up the pen or because of money, once I misunderstood money, now I have a bloodthirsty desire for money, because Lu Xun once said that money can not only solve 99% of people's troubles, but also improve people's emotional intelligence and IQ.
I agree with that!
2. Reading this book is like a roller coaster thrill and excitement
First of all, reading this book requires full psychological preparation, because this book will frequently impact your original cognition, have an urge to argue with it, and even scold, what is the logic.
The dialogue between the youth and the philosopher in the book on the first night can easily make people fall into the misunderstanding of the "victim guilt theory", and after calming down and thinking about it, it seems that there is some truth, otherwise the problem will be unsolvable.
In short, it always feels uncomfortable to read, but it is ecstatic to subvert cognition!
For example, in the first night of the conversation of the young man to the philosopher, the young man and the philosopher debated the theory of cause and the theory of consequence. Young people use the example of their friends who can't go out of the house to refute the philosopher's so-called teleology. But philosophers still believe that it is caused by teleology, that the young man's friends first have the purpose of not wanting to go out, and then deliberately create palpitations and trembling hands and feet when they go out.
The philosopher's ideas are indeed incomprehensible, and will even be considered by people who do not understand the argument of victim guilt.
For Adler's teleology is not to condemn anyone, but to focus on the future, i.e., whatever happened in previous lives has no impact on how life will be spent in the future.
If you think about it this way, you may no longer complain so much, but actively find the reason from yourself, which is more conducive to solving the problem, although it is really difficult for ordinary people to do this.
3. My relationship with my parents
I have said before that I want to be recognized by the people around me, especially my parents, and this is not in Adler's view to seek the approval of others, that freedom is to no longer seek approval! This is very heavy, and it is difficult for many people to do it, if you can really understand its connotation and do it, then 90% of your troubles will be solved.
For example, we parents always hope that our children will become dragons and our daughters will become phoenixes, so parents often worry about their children's learning. This is why there is no separation of subjects. In layman's terms, it is necessary to distinguish whose business it is and not to interfere with topics that do not belong to you. I haven't been able to fully understand this, and frankly I can't fully avoid interfering with other people's problems, especially my own children.
For example, about the problem of children writing homework, writing homework is a child's subject, and parents do not need to interfere or pay too much attention. Just tell your child to come to me whenever they are confused and I will always be there to help if you need it. In this way, the child perceives the change in his parents and has to think about how to do this in the future. He may ask for help, he may find his own way.
Most parents will think that their children are their own lives, regard their children's problems as their own problems, always only consider their children, and when they realize this, they have lost themselves.
In fact, it is simple to separate the subjects, that is, who is the direct executor of this matter, and who bears the final result, then this matter is whose subject it is.
Take the relationship between parents and children as an example, parents and children often can't distinguish whose subject it is, mostly because of blood relations, if there is no blood relationship, then parents will naturally no longer interfere with the child's problem, and the child will not interfere with the parent's problem.
Would someone say that children interfere with their parents' problems? This problem is very common in China. Friends who often watch martial arts movies will find that the male protagonist will most likely inherit his father's will and complete an unfinished ambition for his father, and lose the ambition to pursue himself.
For example, in my experience, before reading this book, I often felt anxious because of the miserable life of my parents and wanted them to live a good life. This is not wrong, it is also very good, in line with the traditional Chinese virtues, but if it becomes my spiritual shackles, I am often anxious, sleep badly, and even guilty and self-blame. That's not a good thing. I'm afraid that my body collapsed prematurely before I could let my parents live a good life. Isn't that counterproductive?
After I understood the separation of subjects, I knew that my parents' lives were my parents' problems, and my life was my subject, and if I wanted to be free, I should not interfere with my life other than myself. Some people may ask whether this is too cold-blooded and too unfilial. At the beginning, I would also have such a question, but when I saw that the philosopher's childhood was also a bad relationship with his father, it did not affect his father's care for his father in his later years, and the relationship with his father eased, and his father also expressed his gratitude to the philosopher before his death.
Therefore, the separation of topics here is actually more spiritual, just like parents tutoring their children with homework, giving children full autonomy and providing assistance when children need it. Then it is the same when facing parents, the various affairs of parents' lives need to be faced by parents alone, we can't face them for them, we can't do it, we can only help our parents at any time when they need us.
The above is my understanding of this book, may be biased, welcome to leave a message to exchange and give advice.
Thank you so much!
Conclusion: I am a beginner in writing book reviews, and I feel a little overwhelmed, and I write a bit like A sense of reading. As the saying goes, a thousand people have a thousand Hamlets, and in short, this book is very helpful for people who want to heal themselves, whether you want to find the confusion of your relationship with your parents or your confusion in your interpersonal interactions at work, there will be direct and indirect help.
Finally, I am nagging mom, if my text is useful to you, even if it is a little inspiration and help, I will feel very honored, please bother you, leave a message, comment, like, retweet, follow.