Author | Fan Deng Reading · Wild fall
Anchor | Fan Deng Reading · Yifan
In the variety show "Only Three Days Visible", Yang Di admitted that because he was afraid of being forgotten by the audience, he did not dare to stop for a moment now.
Aya, who was also born as a comedian, saw her former self in Yang Di:
I always want everyone to be happy, and in order to make everyone happy, I will hide my vulnerability.
The true affection of Yang Di and Aya has also triggered a discussion about "whether the flattering personality is tired of living".
In real life, many people are like them.
Fear of conflict, desire respect, and sacrifice one's own happiness to fulfill the happiness of others. Even if you are offended, you would rather hold it yourself than turn your face to someone.
Such people are very tired of life.
Because they did not dare to "turn their faces", they slowly lost control of their lives.
People are social animals, want to be valued, and hate to be left out in the cold.
As a result, some people slowly learn to put others first in interpersonal communication, always putting "casual" and "I can do it" on their lips.
Gradually, I lost myself in the process of seeking perfection again and again.
In the novel "Catching Fallen Leaves", the protagonist Eliot is such a person.
From a young age, he was sensitive and could always feel the emotions of his parents and their subtle eccentricity towards his brother.
Therefore, in order to get more love from his parents, he chose to please his brother.
At the age of 9, Elliot and his brother competed to catch fallen leaves.
The clever man had the upper hand in the game, but in order to please his brother, Elliot deliberately lost the game.
It was also from this moment that pleasing others became the norm in his life.
Like observing falling leaves, he pays attention to the expectations of everyone around him.
Let your brother go everywhere in life; listen to your parents, find a stable job; treat your lovers with thoughtfulness...
He tried to cater to and please everyone, ignoring his own heart and compromising with the world.
But what about after compromise?
The people around him didn't give him more respect. Brother exclusion, girlfriend cheating, parental misunderstanding... In one disappointment after another, Elliot's expectations for life were taken away little by little.
Eventually, he headed for depression.
People who are accustomed to pleasing are not enjoying giving, but longing to get.
They naively think that they can be recognized by being the way people expect, and even if they are wronged, they dare not turn their faces.
However, this kind of self-sacrificial flattery will only make people more and more tired and more humble.
In the long run, the heart is sick, and people will not be good.
Don't dare to turn your face, after all, it is yourself who is hurt.
There is a topic on Zhihu: "What kind of relationship is most worth cherishing?" ”
At the bottom, a netizen replied: "I am not afraid of the feelings of turning my face." ”
Those relationships that need to be carefully maintained and do not dare to turn their faces are superficially harmonious and harmonious, but there is a long distance between the heart and the heart.
On the contrary, those who dare to turn their faces and lose their temper with you are those who are willing to be honest with you.
The American drama "Friends" explains this "dare to turn the face" relationship.
In the play, the six "old friends" have been noisy for ten years, but the feelings have not been separated.
Monica and Rachel are the most quarrelsome couples. The two often ridicule each other because of trivial matters, and even fight with each other.
Once, Rachel found monica and the "little three" who robbed her boyfriend to go out to dinner and go shopping, turned her face on the spot, and the two had a fight for several days.
But because she knew each other too well, Monica soon realized that she was not doing things well and took the initiative to apologize to Rachel.
Under her "stalking", Rachel finally opened her heart.
It turned out that Rachel's unhappiness and sadness were due to the fear that after losing love, even her best friend would be robbed.
In the end, they let go of their previous suspicions, and their feelings were stronger than before.
In fact, the best relationship should be so. You can confide in your heart, and you can also withstand "turning your face".
The interaction between people is a process of continuous running-in, during which there will inevitably be contradictions.
In the face of disagreements, it is better to say bluntly than to hide and tuck; to be offended, it is appropriate to "turn the other cheek" to cool off the internal friction of the self.
People who really care about you, are willing to solve problems with you, and will respect your bottom line.
Whether it is friendship or love, only by being honest with each other, the relationship will last.
Osamu Dazai writes in The Human Disqualification:
"My misfortune lies precisely in my lack of ability to refuse.
I was afraid that rejecting someone else would leave a rift in each other's hearts that would never heal. ”
These words paint a picture of what many adults think.
In fact, you don't have to be afraid of conflict or please everyone, because rejection is your right.
In one episode of "Family with Children", Xia Donghai's family moved next door to a troublesome neighbor, always in love with their family to borrow things, and often borrowed and did not return.
Once, the neighbors visited xia's house and started the idea of blowing wind on their home appliances.
Although the husband and wife are unhappy, they are embarrassed to refuse because of the neighborhood relationship.
Then, the neighbor took a fancy to Xiaoxue's magazine and wanted to "borrow it" at the same time. Unexpectedly, Xiaoxue directly "turned his face" and rejected the neighbor in one bite.
The couple was surprised by Xiaoxue's refusal, and instead of criticizing her, she also asked for a method.
Xiao Xue's words made the two adults enlightened: "Saying 'no' doesn't need a reason, that's my right." ”
You see, in the eyes of children, it is perfectly normal to say "no" to things they don't like.
And adults are often hindered by their feelings, dare to be angry and dare not speak.
I am reminded of a line from The Godfather:
"Softness without boundaries will only allow the other party to gain inches; unprincipled benevolence will only let the other party do whatever it wants."
Learning to "turn the other cheek" is to have the ability to refuse.
The interaction between people requires a sense of boundaries, and in the face of unreasonable demands, turning the face is a kind of bottom line display.
Kindness has a ruler, and tolerance has a degree. Don't lose the bottom line for the sake of affection.
Learning to "turn the other cheek" is the practice of our whole life.
Adler, the father of individual psychology, said that all troubles come from relationships.
This is also the crux of many people who dare not "turn their faces".
Because of the desire for recognition, people are afraid of being hated, so they always cater to each other's ideas in the interaction, and they do not dare to "turn their faces" when they live a screw.
How to get out of this dilemma? Here are three points for your reference:
1. Accept your imperfections.
There are no perfect people in the world, and since you can't control other people's evaluations, it's better to accept the facts and put less pressure on yourself.
When something is not done well, accept the imperfect self.
Anyway, I can't get everyone's likes, how about being hated?
Rather than excessive entanglement and self-blame, summarizing experience from mistakes and constantly correcting is the real growth.
2. Separate topics and establish boundary awareness.
In interpersonal communication, first distinguish between yourself and other people's topics.
Think back to what you've done that you didn't like but didn't consciously help others do.
Think again about why you don't like it, and maybe you'll be clearer about your boundaries.
Focus on solving your own problems, don't interfere with others, and don't let others interfere with you. Like what:
I have my own plans, and if someone asks me to help too much time, I can refuse;
I have my own preferences, and if something that someone else asks me to help with makes me feel unhappy, I can refuse;
I have my own principles, and if something that someone else asks me to help offends my bottom line, I can turn my face;
...
3, find their own value, find courage.
One can gain courage only when one can feel worthy.
And when people feel that "I contribute to others", the sense of self-worth can be confirmed.
In order to avoid falling into the pathological mode of "self-sacrificing flattery", before doing something, think about "am I doing this from the bottom of my heart, and what can I bring to others with my abilities" before doing something.
The premise of everything is that the will and ability of "I" are the starting point.
There is no need to sacrifice or please, your existence is a value in itself.
The Hated Courage says:
"If you can't ignore the comments of others, if you can't help but be hated, and if you don't want to pay the price of not getting disapproval, you can't follow through on your lifestyle." 」
When a person truly learns to "turn the other cheek", it means that he will no longer be bound by the expectations of others and truly live himself.
So stop being humble and flattering, and stop compromising without a bottom line.
Your kindness should grow teeth, and your gentleness should be reserved for the right person.
In the second half of life, may you have the ability to "turn the other cheek" and the courage to be hated.
Click "Watching" and encourage your friends.
Author | Wild fall
Editor-in-Chief | A doctor
Typography | Zheng to the north
音乐 | Ever So Blue - At Dawn