Many children and even adults open their mouths to say "I can't do it" and "I can't do it", this kind of person was jokingly called "salted fish" in 2017, and to this day, such people are accustomed to calling their behavior "lying flat". In fact, this kind of behavior has long been discovered by students in their hearts, and the name is "learned helplessness".
What is "learned helplessness"?
In 1967, the American psychologist Mr. Seligman first proposed the concept of "learned helplessness", which is about a puppy that seems to be tamed, but it is actually an experiment of "learned helplessness".
The protagonist of the experiment is it, a lively and active puppy. Professor Selimanger placed him in an iron cage with a buzzer, which was then wired.
The buzzer in the cage will start randomly, making a loud alarm sound, and the frightened puppy will initially hit the cage around and try to escape in the cage. However, the cage has an electric current in addition to the ground, so the puppy's behavior is greatly hindered, because every time the puppy touches the iron cage, it will be shocked.
After the experiment was repeated several times, the puppy no longer showed the idea of moving and fleeing.
The experiment entered the second phase, when Professor Seligman turned off the power on the iron cage and deliberately adjusted the decibel of the buzzer, but the "desperate" puppy was unmoved. Even if the buzzer's sound changes from noisy to small, the puppy still just lies on the ground and whines.
Unlike taming, puppies exhibit the same depressed emotions as humans, which are named "learned helplessness."
When a person repeats his failure in one thing, he will most likely choose to give up his efforts and give up with the label of I can't do it, I can't do it. Even if the environment changes significantly, it is taken for granted that it will fail and refuses to try again.
This psychological problem does not only appear in adults, in fact, regardless of age, "learned helplessness" will quietly sprout in people's minds. For example, a child refuses to take a math class because math is always wrong; a child gives up learning because he can't memorize the text, so he eventually starts to get bored with learning.
Lesser-known triggers
The causes of "habitual helplessness" in adults are easy to identify, while the triggers for "habitual helplessness" that occur in children are often overlooked.
(1) Excessive restrictions on family members
Children need to constantly explore in the process of establishing cognition with the outside world, and they need to learn to control and integrate into the environment. However, family members often for the purpose of protecting or hoping to form habits for children, they will not be able to do it, not allowed, and can not hang on their lips, which invisibly makes the child lose the right to explore, and over time the child will become afraid of hands and feet, afraid of trying and more afraid of being punished after trying.
(2) Family evaluation
Most of the child's behavior purpose comes from the evaluation of the family, and positive or negative evaluation will affect the child's self-perception. Children who are often evaluated by their families as introverted, shy, and stupid will take it for granted that they are such children, and over time they will bury in their hearts the impression that they are a "child who can't do anything", and when they really mess things up, they will have crazy self-doubt and self-denial, and let the children deny their own abilities and refuse to try.
(3) From its own negation
Children will encounter various problems and failures on the road to growth, and they will begin to doubt themselves and even show anxiety, impatience and other resistance due to the lack of correct analytical ability. This is like when the child learns to use chopsticks, after several attempts have failed, if you do not get positive encouragement, you will blame yourself for being a stupid child, so you give up trying and gradually begin to deny yourself, when the family persuades you to try again, the child may show more irritable autism in addition to not daring and unwilling.
How can the family guide the child correctly
In fact, in the above narrative, we can already find the answer, that is, to give the child enough affirmation and encouragement.
(1) Let the child have autonomy
The way to get the "learned helplessness" out of the quagmire is to give him the confidence that his family can try in their daily lives by letting their children start small. For example, if the child thinks that he will never learn chopsticks, then the parent should fully mobilize the child's interest through patient explanation, games, etc., and then practice with the child. Parents must not show impatient negative emotions during the process.
Guide children can also start by drawing a picture together, such children often do not know what to draw and bother, at this time parents can take the initiative to complete half, leave half to fill the child, through continuous interaction to let the child from a little touch to their own completion of a painting. Painting can not be limited to the form, you can try to use erasers, apples, fingers to stamp out a creative painting, release the inner pressure and then truly get out of the "learned helplessness" dilemma.
(2) Positive and objective evaluation
The parenting books seen are emphasizing the role of evaluation on children, but evaluation is a double-edged sword, and parents must not forget to start from this dimension of objectivity when evaluating children. Unreasonable evaluation will make children form an arrogant psychology, and arrogant psychology will not only encounter failure after leaving the family and fall more painfully, it is easier for children to no longer trust parents' evaluation.
Parents should follow when evaluating their children:
Negative evaluation also needs to pay attention to skills, too blunt is not conducive to children's physical and mental development.
Evaluation should not be results-oriented, and the efforts and persistence shown in the process are worthy of praise.
Pay attention to your child's emotions in the process, and use encouragement to guide your child to better efforts and persistence.
Evaluation should have a clear direction, so that children understand where the good is and where the mistake is
(3) Actively help children analyze problems
As mentioned earlier, children are more likely to encounter problems and their own distraction ability is insufficient, so parents should find and help their children analyze problems in time and find the right way to solve the problem together. This is like a child's writing is not good-looking, parents should help the child analyze the problem in addition to appeasing the child's sluggishness or impatience. Tell the child that in fact, the child's hand development is not yet mature, practicing words is an effective way to exercise themselves, this is not your flaw and it is not your problem, you have done a good job, in the attempt not to give up once can write a very good, very good looking word.
(4) Gaining a sense of accomplishment is better than all encouragement
I believe that many people still have doubts when they see this, because parents are usually very patient with their children and give a lot of praise, but why are there still no changes in their children?
In fact, praise and encouragement are only one of the ways to guide children, and all praises should have a corresponding sense of accomplishment to give children the confidence that they will not work hard to persevere. The sense of accomplishment happens all the time, from the first time parents give their children a thumbs up, to the teacher's "You are awesome!" after school. "It may be a fountain to water the child's dry heart."
Drawing with children goes from getting the approval of their families to participating in external competitions. From the first time you arrive at the competition venue and hear the praise of your family, to the first time you get the place on stage until you finally get the ideal place, you will face the challenge step by step to get a sense of accomplishment, and you will find that the child has really completely transformed into another person.
summary:
When a child opens his mouth and says, "I can't do it," it may not be that he really can't do it, but that he falls into a state of "learned helplessness" and cannot extricate himself. Parents and teachers should interpret the reasons behind children's behavior and help children regain confidence in a timely and targeted manner.
The psychological change from "I can't" to "I can" is actually very simple, he really only needs the most trusted and reliable family to help him!