A must-read book for love – obsession: how to love and be loved normally

Why didn't she answer my call? Does he not love me anymore? Are these words familiar? Ask what the world's situation is, and teach life and death to agree. Love is beautiful, but many people do not know how to love; love is no big or small, loving someone also requires methods and skills; many people are deeply hurt and confused by each other's "love or not love me?" "In this age-old problem, in fact, I don't understand the essence of love. I am also a diet man and woman, last year's time trapped by love, tortured, simply do not know the taste, can not sleep at night, full of thoughts: what is wrong with this love, why is the other party so to me? It's really uncomfortable.

Until I accidentally saw a book - one of the masterpieces of the famous American psychologist Susan Foward, "Obsession: How to Love and Be Loved Normally", I suddenly realized and suddenly became enlightened, it turned out that loving a person is not as simple as just liking, love is a kind of ability, it needs to be learned and needed to be refined. The act of love and hate, because of love and pain, seems to be caused by too much love, but in fact it is an obsession with love. In this book, we talk about how this suffocating obsession hurts others and hurts ourselves.

The first thing to learn is how to judge if you are stuck in an obsession. Based on her more than twenty years of experience, Dr. Susan has summarized four characteristics: 1. Her mind is full of her lover, or the person she wants to get; 2, she has an insatiable desire for the object of attachment; 3, she has been explicitly rejected by the other party, or she can't get it; 4, after being rejected or not getting, her behavior begins to be abnormal.

The obsessive's heart seems to have a huge black hole, endlessly demanding the nutrients it needs. When this black hole is not filled, the act of attachment can never be stopped. Childhood attachment relationships are the root of attachment. Children who cannot complete separation normally have deep fears buried deep in their hearts and a fervent desire for happiness attachment. As adults, they can easily become obsessive because they are desperate to regain the happiest attachment relationship. At this time, the object of their acquisition is no longer the parents, but the lovers, who have become "symbolic parents" at this time.

When a person does not have the strength to get the love of his parents when he is a child, he hopes to get the love of his lover through all his efforts as an adult. And once rejected by the lover, the addict will feel hopeless and helpless. Deep fear, childhood pain, despair struck again. The more you desire, the more you are rejected, the more you are rejected, the more eager you want love, so there are life-killing serial calls, TEXT bombing, driving tracking and other obsessive behaviors.

Therefore, the obsessive tries to use the experience of adulthood to heal the pain of childhood, but unfortunately, when it is impossible to see the truth behind this, this is tantamount to drinking and quenching thirst. So how do you get out of attachment? What is the solution to attachment? How can an obsessive person wake up and build a truly healthy intimacy? Dr. Susan gives a proven solution in her book.

The first is to divert attention and make a bill for your obsession. The purpose of recording every record related to the lover, including the date, time, thoughts, feelings, results, etc., is to see clearly the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of one's own attachment, to know that one has committed an attachment and to see all this clearly in the form of a log. This helps visualize these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and is more conducive to the next step of their work. The second is to give yourself a vacation of feelings and turn off the attachment system. For at least two weeks, there is no contact with the lover and all kinds of obsessive behaviors are stopped.

The third ends or starts over, correctly assessing the relationship. On the last day of the relationship leave, it is possible to make a proper assessment of the existing relationship. For many people, the relationship has long ended, and for some people, it is still necessary to choose whether the relationship will continue. If there is no possibility of the relationship continuing, then it is necessary to accept this fact, and the first inevitable is to face the sadness. The end of a relationship is also a kind of death, and sadness is inevitable, writing a eulogy for the feelings of their loss is a good choice, using such a sense of ritual to express the sadness of the heart, which has a very big impact on the subconscious.

The fourth face of the rejected childhood will be obsessed with cutting the grass and roots. When we finish dealing with the attachments of the moment, we need to go back to childhood and remove the attachments. Confronting a rejected childhood and finding a trained psychotherapist to deal with childhood trauma can help us effectively. For example, writing to your parents can stop suppressing your own pain, write down your childhood feelings and pains one by one, express your feelings at that time, and not necessarily send the letter to your parents. You can read the letter over and over again yourself or to a psychotherapist. When expressed in this way, the suffering disappears and does not continue to act on our lives.

Finally establish a real intimate relationship, get out of the obsession to establish a real intimate relationship. We need to constantly consolidate these previous shifts and ensure that they are on a healthy track when new relationships emerge. To find other happy things besides love, so that our lives can be more and more exciting, and love can be more and more relaxed. And you will also find that when we can easily enjoy a relationship, the more we can experience the deep happiness in the intimate relationship and harvest a truly healthy intimate relationship.

Go read this book, I believe you will find that after getting away from attachment, love is a very wonderful thing.