Consider an example of a case where, after school, Bob was invited by a friend to attend his birthday party. For this reason, Bob was very happy and decided to play for a night. However, Bob overlooked an important factor: Bob did not consult with his parents. Hence the following storyline. From 5 p.m. to 8 p.m.
Bob has been immersed in happy times. But on the other side is the anxiety of Xiaoming's parents. Because, according to the usual practice, Xiaoming has returned home. At this time, Xiaoming's parents contacted all possible contacts to get Xiao Ming's news, and mobilized the crowd to find Xiaoming. At 10 p.m., Xiaoming returned home, took out his mobile phone and looked at it, and found dozens of missed calls: from parents and teachers, as well as classmates. After that, Xiaoming contacted his parents and told him the reason for the incident.
The parents returned home angry at Xiaoming's approach and criticized Xiaoming, and Xiaoming's teacher also criticized Xiaoming. Xiaoming is very depressed about this and does not understand his parents' approach. But Bob didn't argue with his parents because he understood that their intentions were good.
Through this incident, we can find that from the parents' point of view, it is terrible that their children disappear without a message. But from Bob's point of view, he is already so old that something can happen. This is the result of the different ideas of the two generations, but this example is only a limited expression of the generation gap between the two generations that existed and the process we grew up. For different people, when this generation gap arises, the way we deal with it is often different, and taking an over-radical approach may have serious consequences. Taking care of it and not solving this problem can even lead to the brewing and fermentation of the problem. So how this generation gap arises, how we understand it, and how to try to overcome it is particularly important.
First, the formation of an emotional gap
1) The level of education of the parents
In many cities or villages, the level of education received by the parents' generation is generally not high, some have graduated from junior high school, and some have even graduated from primary school. (This is the consequence of the previous generation of parents, which will not be analyzed here) So the education they received was only at the level of literacy, and they did not succeed in school with regard to the qualities they were supposed to have. This limited perception, then, creates limitations in their views on future problems and limitations in their thinking. All they can do next is their parents' own education. This kind of education is often not explicit, but rather a potential, subtle effect. When you walk out of your own family, you are actually facing a social environment composed of a family similar to your own family. This kind of environment directly determines the early thinking and cognition of parents.
2) Psychological cognition is different
Usually when we encounter something, we all have a preliminary view of this matter, which is cognition, and after experiencing this thing, we will have a reflection on this matter, and the result of this reflection is thought. Then in the future, there will be such thoughts in the mind. Then different cognitions produce different thoughts, wrong cognition will cause wrong thought tendencies, one-sided cognition will cause one-sided thoughts.........
3) Deep-rooted ideas
Let's take a very simple example: the marriage of men and women in feudal times
Marriage is decided by the parents. It is possible that a person is born with the other half of his life. This idea was initially a kind of ideological guidance. This idea was generally accepted and then deeply rooted. Parents' concepts have the concept of inheriting the older generation, and they also have their own formation.
4) Thoughts determine actions
Action is the expression of inner thoughts, and before taking action we usually make a judgment on this, then the criterion of judgment is our own thoughts and cognitions. Imagine that your department is now assigning you a task. Then the first step in completing the task must be to write the plan and then implement it according to the plan. The "scheme" here is similar to the "idea". The truths are the same.
Second, the reason why we and our parents have different concepts
1) The speed at which thoughts change is different
In fact, the steps we go through in the formation of our ideological concepts and our parents' ideas and concepts are about the same, but why can we find ourselves directly in a generation gap with our parents in a sudden instant? The key point of this problem is that the time it takes to form is different. The primary education that we have experienced, higher education, is a process of processing of ideas. Such an educational time is far from the age of the parents. The shift in our thinking in these few short years may be equivalent to the shift in our parents' thinking for more than a decade. The most direct feeling for me is that my parents are "outdated".
2) There is a clear difference in the plasticity of ideas
We are more like a blank piece of paper, always waiting for new colors. Parents, on the other hand, are more like a picture scroll with rich colors. After an idea is formed, it is difficult for us to change it, or even to change it. After such problems accumulate, the opportunity for change is less and less, forming a low plasticity. For the children of their parents, it is highly malleable.
Third, the cognitive difference with parents
When we differ from our parents' perceptions, there are significant differences in the way we do things. This is the manifestation of the generation gap.
1) Intense type
This type is something that both parents and children may exhibit, and this type only appears a little more in the children. This manifestation is that when parents do not behave in the same way as themselves, they often think that their parents' practices are wrong, and show strong dissatisfaction, and even blame their parents.
2) Euphemism type
When we find that our parents' practices are different from our own, after careful consideration and realize that there is indeed something wrong with our parents' practices. At this time, the parents will be reminded in a euphemistic way and asked for corrections.
3) Compromise type
This type is to be ignored. There is no manifestation of the parental practice, but in fact, it is not very recognized. It's a stuffy gourd... But don't create resentment and create an accumulation and superposition effect on yourself. To ignore and not to ask is to dilute the parents' approach, not to point it out, not to complain, as in the past, but to maintain their own views. It does not blend in with the parents' approach.
Fourth, how to face the emotional divide
In fact, most of the time it is compromised, and a few times it is euphemistic. But for different people, the measures taken to deal with this kind of thing are different. When dealing with this matter, we should uphold the principle that understanding is the mainstay and respect is supreme. No fuss, no anger, harmonious resolution.
1) It is not easy to be considerate of parents
In any case, parents always think on our side, like the little story I mentioned at the beginning. We need to be clear that our parents never deliberately do anything to hurt us, and parents always satisfy us at the expense of themselves. Parents are not easy, and I think this is something we should have deeply understood as children. We often say: I am tired enough to study, and you want me to do this and that. In fact, this is a ridiculous statement, and what we now recognize is far less than one in ten thousand of the experience of parents. The ordeal experienced is also far less than that experienced by parents. If we can clearly understand that parents are really not easy, then some problems have room for maneuver.
2) Full respect for parents
Everyone wants dignity, not to mention our parents, and sometimes we may not care about the dignity of others. But we must care about the dignity of our parents. In the process of parents talking, we must pay attention to whether their words are reasonable? Is it hurting your parents? Is this threshold violated?
3) Make suggestions in a reasonable manner
Maybe we find that parents sometimes do not do it right, and it is indeed a bit excessive. But it is unreasonable for us to point it out in an imperative tone.
The advice I gave was to write a letter to my parents, which not only avoided the embarrassment of face-to-face conversation, but also made our parents realize their mistakes. This is really a double eagle with one stone!
4) Take maximum tolerance
There is a big difference between dealing with our direct contradictions with our parents and dealing with our contradictions with others. We may not be able to tolerate and adopt a hostile attitude towards some small mistakes of others. But don't use these methods on this. This is simply the fact that well water and river water do not blend with each other. After giving advice to the parents, it was found that the parents did not change much or the changes were not obvious. We're going to be tolerant: "With your eyes closed, you can't see anything!" ”
People always say, "Every family has a difficult scripture." This is clearly not the answer we want. There are also some contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in life, and there are also contradictions between brothers and sisters. Many families spend their days in trivial contradictions, and parents' actions are not necessarily right or wrong. We can't blindly identify, nor can we blindly deny, we should look at problems from a dialectical point of view, and learn to use psychological methods to solve these problems.
Editor-in-Charge: Yize Zhang
Tong Zhaojing, a national second-level psychological counselor, doctor, postdoctoral fellow, associate professor, master tutor, has long been engaged in mental health education, psychological disorder treatment, counseling and counseling, group training and lectures of universities, primary and secondary schools, enterprises and institutions.
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