Before chatting with girlfriends, we talked about how we rarely have a real love education.
Most of those "Bibles" of love that are passed down by word of mouth are what people see from the inside of movies, television, romance novels, and advertisements.
However, these works, which have been artistically processed or capital-decorated, cultivate the love of men and women into different categories, and do not teach us the true sense of intimacy and connection.
At first, people walked into reality with longings, and then found that most of those visions did not conform to reality.
Constantly hit the wall to the end, even begin to resent, and finally retreat, choose the so-called absolute safety.
The girlfriend said: "Those who live in a mess are bitterly thinking about love."
They hope for salvation from the sky, but they are not willing to really face their emotions and feelings.
If they look at it squarely, they will find that the decision to change is up to us. ”
She sighed: "In fact, I am the same, I am afraid of self-reliance in the true sense."
I always thought how lonely I would be if I had to be emotionally self-reliant. ”
The girlfriend is very conflicted, she chose to face life step by step, with pain and soberness to look at reality, looking for answers.
In psychology, there is a saying called "dependency theory".
Refers to the psychological tendency of one person to seek and be close to another person in order to gain a sense of security.
For this person, he feels safe when the other person is present and anxiety when he is not present.
I prefer to refer to another person as "ideal love object", or to understand it as "true love".
Most people who want to fall in love have a template about the ideal object in their hearts, or maybe an archetype, or even a completely virtual dismantling combination.
There is such a category of people, attachment and parasitic tendencies are very serious.
You may even be in love, and you will also desire the object to perfectly meet your expectations, and tightly sew it into your love template.
Overlapping will feel satisfied, and not meeting will feel extremely anxious.
In fact, this kind of thinking that is attached to and parasitic in love can easily destroy intimate relationships.
After destruction, the destroyer even presents himself as a victim.
If the saboteur has not been self-aware or introspective, then such people will still repeat the script later.
You know, no matter for anyone, without seeing love correctly, you can't really enjoy love.
If such people want to save themselves, they need to reshape their thinking from the following 3 aspects.
01
Feel your own love projection
Are you consciously aware of your love needs?
For example, before, I was a person who was obsessed with a crush.
I don't really want to get into a relationship, I just enjoy the feeling of being in love with someone.
Of course, the other party did not like me.
But then I found out that I was hiding that I also wanted someone to rely on emotionally and to give back emotionally.
If you clearly express your love, you risk rejection.
Being rejected in my heart equals not being liked, and I feel threatened.
The American writer Barbara Angelis once said:
We are indoctrinated with established ideas or fantasies about our ideal partner, and then we start projecting.
Just like at that time, I often dreamed of a perfect object that would satisfy all my fantasies.
He wouldn't deny me, he would encourage and approve of me.
Subconsciously, I don't think I deserve to be loved.
So I hate rejection because it makes me feel ashamed and even angry.
Later, I was in a relationship, but he didn't meet my ideal standards at all.
In the process of getting along, I became more and more frustrated, and finally chose to break up.
During the time I just broke up, I would blame my bad luck for not meeting a perfect person.
Later, I worked harder in anticipation of being able to meet true love sooner rather than later, to have someone who would love me perfectly the way I wanted to.
However, the harder I tried, the more I felt empty, the more I felt that my current self was not worthy of love, and at one point I fell into self-hatred and self-depreciation.
In "Round Table Pie", Dou Wentao has a saying about love:
Love is a flower, delicate, and at the same time very fragile, no test can stand it, and do not test it easily.
Instead, take care of it and don't let it be destroyed by the storm.
This statement is similar to Fromm's knowledge of the power of love.
Indeed, instead of fantasizing about being saved, being healed by others, and attaching to the object of love, it is better to let the love in your heart be full, enthusiastic, and flowing.
02
Value your worries in the face of love
Psychologist Adler once famously said:
Lucky people can be cured by childhood in their lifetime, and unfortunate people have to use their lives to heal childhood.
We are always obsessed with filling the lack and absence of inner emotions with external things.
But for some psychologically complex problems, fantasizing about using "true love" to solve it is not necessarily an easy way to solve it.
People who are lacking in their hearts are unable to give love.
Because when they were young, they did not feel a lot of love at all, and when they grew up, they lost the ability to feel love.
The standards of love given and received are extremely turbulent in their inner world.
Secondary negative emotions such as jealousy, resentment, and avoidance make them lonely and confused.
Intimacy can make them feel suffocated, and feeling unworthy can bring a lot of pain and stress.
Occasionally, stress is on the verge of peaking, which can make them feel out of control.
They may even want to harm others and themselves, destroy and destroy people and things close to them.
But, take it easy.
It doesn't matter, loneliness and confusion are even good things, but also the time to be aware of yourself.
Try to let go of the feelings you hate yourself and respond to your heart.
You know, those bad experiences are not your fault.
Calm your mind, focus your attention, and focus on the emotions and feelings of the moment.
It's not scary to get out of control, the important thing is that you still have a lot of options.
There are many different ways you can make decisions, and you can feel a sense of control that your body and brain are gradually returning to.
Another small piece of advice is not to choose to worry lightly.
As clinical psychologist Jenny Siegel put it:
Worrying is about seeking answers and protection in the wrong place and preventing us from making others feel loved.
Pay more attention to your feelings, don't overthink and judge, and then pass on the love and warmth you feel.
However, some concerns are necessary and are a signal to alert you to pause.
For example, when life is at a low point, don't enter a romantic relationship because of worry and hold the mood of finding a life-saving straw.
Because that will not solve the problem, but will expose more problems.
At any time, it is necessary and urgent to recognize the current predicament and the main contradiction that needs to be resolved urgently.
03
Understand your own creativity and positivity in love
Jung once said: When you are not aware of your subconscious, it is your destiny.
Parasitic love is a situation in which self-worth is maintained in a relationship, and unilateral scarcity is satisfied by depriving and depleting the resources of the "mother".
However, it is an emotional sustenance sought by individuals under pressure, not real love.
People who tend to develop parasitic love are often people who don't know how to love themselves.
In intimate relationships, long-term happiness and harmony require methods, starting with knowing how to give love, care, and responsibility.
Self-loving people face intimacy and do not use exploitative or damaging methods.
Self-loving people, more aware of the "over-limit effect", when they meet inappropriate people, will not be bitter to move themselves.
Instead, they will understand that feelings cannot be forced, put them down in time, and respect each other's rejection.
Because they recognize the freedom of feelings and relationships, and are both emotional and rational, know how to give, but also know the gentleness of giving.
Self-love can easily be mistakenly equated with selfishness, yet the two do not coincide.
Self-love is the consummation of seeking abundance, and it is I who love you so I need you.
Selfishness is the lack of chasing satisfaction, it is I who need you so I love you.
Self-love is being true to oneself, gradually finding answers in interpersonal interactions, and perfecting oneself.
Selfish people will treat dependence as love, and once they can't rely on it, they will be depressed and miserable.
Sometimes they are exploitative gestures, sometimes flattering gestures.
But in essence, it is all an excessive demand, that is, to ask for something that the other person does not want to give in a certain way.
They are good at dependence and attachment to relationships, and others are often the tools for them to achieve their own ends or satisfy their desires.
Friends of love and respect, remember that we always have endless possibilities.
If you want others to love you, you can first try to make others feel loved.
In this sense, the self-loving person will always get more fullness and fulfillment than the selfish person.
May everyone become happy and self-loving people.
The author | Wang Jing is a novel creator and an addict to classical literature. Dabbled in Chinese and foreign philosophies, believing but not superstitious. He likes to delve into individual psychology, firmly believes that individuals are active and creative, and there are three or more solutions to everything.