Wen / Jet Lag Uncle
Source / Psychological 0 Time Difference (ID: PsyTime)
"I broke up, my heart was empty, I really can't believe that he actually broke up with me!" 」
"Did you know that the most painful thing is not when I drink and vomit badly, but the moment when I vomit and realize that I have lost the other person when I wake up?"
A "broken up" reader sends a long message backstage, and he can feel his pain across the screen.
The data shows that in the adult world, 85% of people have shared hands at least once; among college students, up to 90% of people have divided hands.
Almost all people have the experience of breaking up at some point in their lives. However, there are many people with the same disease, which does not mean that the pain of breaking up is not worth mentioning. Rather, the pain of lost love is one of the most painful experiences for human beings.
How to get out of the pain of lost love? This is the question that countless psychologists have tried to answer.
The uncle collected a lot of information and sorted out the most common suggestions among these experts, hoping to help friends who experienced the pain of breaking up.
1
How painful is a breakup?
Before we can address the pain, we need to understand what kind of pain it is.
Edward Smith, a psychologist at Columbia University in the United States, invited 40 people who had just broken up in the past six months to the laboratory, let them lie in an MRI machine, and asked them to look at the photos of their exs while constantly recalling in their minds: "How did the ex propose to break up with you."
It turned out that when people remembered their ex, broke up and the last relationship, the parts of the brain that were activated coincided with the parts of the brain that were active when people felt the pain!
Not only that, but a breakup can also bring pain similar to "drug addiction".
A Helen Fisher study at Rutgers University university in the United States found that:
When people are nostalgic for old feelings, there is also a part of the brain that is activated: the parts of the brain that are most active when they are addicted to drugs (such as cocaine), drug addiction attacks, and anxiously anticipating the next drug opportunity!
What does that feel like? The moment of drug use is drunk and dreaming of death, but the feeling of drug addiction is not exaggerated.
We all know that drugs are harmful and need to be quit, and we also know that the person who is determined to leave us and wants to break up will not change his mind, we need to move on... But just can't do it without wanting ta.
Therefore, the breakup is really painful, please give yourself a little more tenderness and care after the breakup.
2
Doing two things after a breakup will exacerbate your pain
The areas of the brain we mentioned above about pain, while scary, don't activate if you don't think of your ex.
Therefore, the next two things listed by the uncle, it is recommended that you try to avoid it when you have just broken up and think of him or not:
1. Explore the latest situation of ta through Weibo, circle of friends, mutual friends, and any other channel you can think of
How many days has it been since we broke up? I'm still in pain here, and he's already happy like a nobody?
After the breakup, you can't let go of each other, and instinctively want to pay attention to each other. But keeping your ex in mind all the time can only make you more miserable and harder to get rid of negative emotions.
Any news about ta at this time will be guided by your negative emotions and make a negative interpretation.
So remember: don't pay attention to ta anymore, this is not putting ta a horse, but putting yourself on a horse.
2. Go to a place where you date a lot with him, and do things that two people with him often do (and you are not very good at doing it alone).
In the past, when you were sweet and sweet, even if you passed through these places alone and remembered these things, it would be a sweet memory, which is called "conditioning": because this place, this thing, this thing has been tied to this person in your heart.
But after the breakup, the sweetness of the time will instantly reverse 180° and become a tear gas canister. At this time, you are in the early stages of healing, and the goal is not to heal, but to relieve pain.
So this dangerous zone, as far away as possible.
3
How to heal the pain of lost love?
Lauren Howe, a Stanford Psychology Researcher, found that some people are particularly quick to pick up from pain after the same breakup, while others can't let go for a long time. Is there any difference between the two?
Through research, interviews, and analysis, Lauren found that people who can't see it and have a hard time getting out of their last relationship look for reasons for "being broken up" in themselves and think it is difficult for them to change this "flaw."
Looking at the breakup in this way of self-blame attribution will make us blame ourselves for being difficult to let go, and on the other hand, it will also become an obstacle to the next love, thinking that no one will love their flawed self.
Looking back is all their own fault, and looking forward is all gray and gloomy. In this case, it is difficult to get out!
So, what is a better way to attribute it in the face of a breakup? The answer given by psychologists is: both inside and outside + instability + specificity.
1. Both inside and outside: "A slap does not make a sound" is also applicable to love and breakup
Your own problems, you still have to bear it yourself. But, the other side's pot, you don't need to carry.
Prepare a pen and paper to sort out the following questions:
What are the reasons for themselves that may change?
Which of the other parties' reasons are absolutely unacceptable to you?
Which compromises have you made that you will never compromise again in the future?
What external factors can be handled in a different way...?
This combing process can help you complete internal and external attribution very well.
2. Instability Attribution: Change is the source of all things
People change, such as personality. Personality sounds like a stable thing, but personality psychologists have proven that personality can be reshaped. And the environment and society we live in will also change, so the way of expression and the effect of personality will also change.
If something is causing a rift in your relationship, believe:
This thing can change in the future, and you yourself will change.
The past you do not represent the present, let alone the future you.
You can always be a better version of yourself and a better love in the future.
3. Specific Attribution: Feelings also need to be on the basis of facts
What is specific attribution?
For example, if you fail a math test, people who feel that they "don't learn well" are universal attributions, and people who feel that they are "just particularly bad at math and other subjects are OK" is a specific attribution.
Let's talk about what are the common general and specific attributions after a breakup.
General attribution:
Not only will you fail with this person, but you will also fail to change people
Not only are love relationships not handled well, but other relationships are not
Specific attribution:
I just can't get along with my ex, and there are many people in the world who can fit in with me
The problem of love has its uniqueness, and my interpersonal relationships in the family and friendship workplace and society are still handled well
General attribution after a breakup is likely to cause a total negation of ourselves, and specific attribution can help us get out of the breakup quagmire faster and meet better feelings.
Write at the end
Almost all people have to go through a breakup at least once in their life.
Because life is fluid, so is love. Even if both parties have chosen thousands of choices before the relationship begins, who can guarantee that they will stare at a person who loves him for a lifetime?
Instead of letting go of the other party and yourself, it is better to take a grateful heart, thank the ta who once gave you good memories, and also thank the self who has really paid for this love. At the next intersection, we will meet ourselves with a brighter smile.
The world and I love you.