The way to communicate with the child is right, it is more effective with half the effort; the method is not right, the heart is exhausted?

I am Zhuo Yan, and we are learning together for life, day 161.

A book a day, today we come to read "how to say children will listen, how to listen to children before they can say" (Part 1)

About the author

The authors, Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlisch, internationally renowned parent-child communication experts and authors of tens of millions of best-selling books, have been included in the "Who's Who in America". They are the founders of the New School of Social Studies in New York City and the Family Life Institute at Long Island University.

About this book

This book is a summary of the author's long-term experiments with parents in the schools and research institutes he founded. This is a very practical book, which summarizes the various misunderstandings of communication with children, provides detailed and specific communication methods, so that you can establish a more intimate relationship with your children and resolve communication barriers.

Core content

This article divides all the communication scenes with children into several major themes, including helping children face their feelings, encouraging children to cooperate with us, and replacing punishment with effective methods.

preface

We all say that communication is an art, and communication between adults will pay a lot of attention to methods and skills. However, when adults communicate with children, they often feel helpless, and feel that the methods of the adult world are not applicable to children at all, because children are often unreasonable, and sometimes even polite.

They are often emotional, crying inexplicably, making trouble inexplicably, and not listening no matter how much the adults persuade them. And sometimes the other way around, you want to care about your child, but the child just ignores you, they shut themselves in the room and secretly wipe their tears, refusing to tell you what happened, refusing to tell the true feelings.

The child refuses to listen and refuses to speak, both of which are headaches. In such a situation, parents will sometimes be very confused, sometimes they will be very mad, they will not help but yell at their children, and even beat their children, and finally make both parties tired and injured, and the parent-child relationship is very tense. Between adults and children, there seems to be an invisible wall, and they often can't understand each other's voices, so it is difficult to communicate smoothly.

This book is a very practical book, it talks about the various misunderstandings in the process of communicating with children, and how to effectively communicate with children in different scenarios, so that children can be intimate with you, so that children are willing to listen well and speak well, and then achieve self-reliance earlier. This book is not just a personal experience of two experts in children's education, but a compilation of many family experiences. In their long-term practice, the two authors have explored a set of languages that have helped many families build a more harmonious parent-child relationship.

Help your child face their feelings

To give a few examples, when a child tells you, "Daddy, I'm so tired!" "Mom, I have a stomachache." "Dad, this show is boring." "Mom, I hate Grandma!" How do you usually respond? Do you say, "You just got up, how can you be tired?" "Do you not want to go to school, so you say your stomach hurts?" "How interesting is this show, how can it be boring?" "It's so bad for you to say that Grandma, Grandma is so good to you!"

If you respond in this way, then you have entered the first common category of misunderstandings, which is to deny and ignore the child's feelings. We adults often think that children are very small and do not understand things, or that children's things are too small to be worth mentioning, so we will habitually deny and ignore children's feelings. What are the consequences of this? The authors say, "When children's feelings are constantly denied, they feel confused and angry. This is also a hint to children not to understand their own feelings, not to believe their own feelings. ”

Denying and ignoring the child's feelings will make the child dislike communicating with you, they will feel that you do not believe me at all, do not understand me, talk to you very weakly, sometimes even quarrel with you, over time, there is a gap between you and the child.

The common second type of misunderstanding is to make suggestions, make big reasons, and use a half-reproachful, half-preachy tone to say the truths and facts that many children already know. In fact, whether it is an adult or a child, when they are sad and sad, the last thing they want to hear is this, they will find your words very annoying, and feel that they cannot understand.

The third type of misconception is to express too much sympathy, act as a psychologist or ask a lot of questions, which will make the child feel very poor and useless, while too many questions will make them defensive and disgusted, and will feel more depressed.

So, when children fall into negative emotions such as sadness, anger, and loss, what should parents do?

The author gives four techniques: one is to listen attentively, you can not play with the phone, watch TV, while absent-mindedly listening to the child's speech, that way, the child will feel that you do not care about his/her feelings; the second is to respond to the child with simple words, do not need to talk at length, you can use "oh", "um", "is so" to respond, to identify with the child's feelings; the third is to say the child's feelings, for example, "Child, you seem to be very angry!" "You must be disappointed!" "Sounds like you hate doing your homework." This way the child will feel that you understand him/her very well. Fourth, when you can't help your child achieve your wish right away, you can try to use fantasy methods, such as, "I really hope to help you turn into an ice cream so that you can eat it now." ”

In short, you need to empathize with your child, and when your child feels that his inner feelings are respected and recognized, he will be willing to say more of his own thoughts, and even they can think of solutions to problems themselves.

There are many examples in the book, such as the child's little turtle died, very sad. At this time, many parents may say, "Isn't it just a small turtle?" As for crying like this? I'll just buy you another one." "You see, this is ignoring the child's feelings, judging the child from the point of view of an adult. The child may say, "You don't understand at all, I want this one." You might say, "It's really unreasonable." In the end, the two fell into an argument.

So, what is the more effective way to respond? The author gives a demonstration:

Child: My little turtle died this morning.

Dad: Oh, is it? I didn't expect that.

Child: I also teach it to play games.

Dad: You're having a lot of fun together.

Child: It's a good friend of mine.

Dad: It's really sad to lose friends. You really care about that little turtle.

You see, when a child's feelings are fully recognized, his emotions are released, so he will soon calm down and accept this sad fact.

Sometimes, the authors say, "parents don't say how their children feel because they're worried that doing so will make their children more upset." But in fact, on the contrary, when the child hears these words, the heart will feel comforted. The book emphasizes that what is more critical than the skill of language is our attitude, "If we do not empathize with the child, no matter what we say, it is hypocritical in the eyes of the child, and we all want to manipulate them." ”

Encourage your child to work with us

Note that encouraging children to cooperate with us is not to make children become docile and obedient "obedient boys", but to let children develop good character and habits from an early age and become self-reliant as soon as possible.

Parents who are anxious about parenting want their children to be obedient, but often backfire because we have many misunderstandings in encouraging our children to cooperate with us, and the most common wrong practices include accusations, insults, threats, orders, sarcasm, and so on. These methods are simple and crude, and sometimes they have a certain effect, but the essence of these methods is a kind of violence, which is to force the child with your power. Children are sometimes forced to cooperate with you temporarily due to obscenity, but in fact, their hearts are resistant. Sometimes they are not even willing to cooperate temporarily, but they have a rebellious psychology, because their emotions have not been released, and they have not identified with you in their hearts. They just think you're scary, wordy, annoying, and want to get away from you as soon as possible.

So, what is the right thing to do to encourage children to work with us? The author also gives four tips:

The first is a description, describing the problem you see. For example, a child plays with water, forgets to turn off the tap, and makes the bathroom full of water. You don't need to scold your child, you just have to describe the fact that you see it, "Baby, the water in the bathtub is spilling out." "The child will immediately know what he has done wrong. The description is to avoid accusations and complaints, and the author mentions a little trick, that is, to omit the word "you" when describing the problem, such as, "You spilled the milk", "You broke the bottle", which sounds like an accusation. After omitting the word "you", it becomes "milk sprinkled" and "bottle broken". You see, this becomes a description of an objective fact, without feelings of dissatisfaction.

The second is a simple tip. For example, if a child doesn't clean up after playing with toys and makes a mess at home, you don't need to yell at him or tell him a big truth about love and cleanliness, you just need to prompt, "The toy needs to go back to your own home!" "The child will understand immediately.

The third is to say how you feel. For example, children always like to interrupt you, very impolite, you can say how you feel, "I haven't finished speaking, I was interrupted by you, I feel unhappy." "Notice that it is to express your feelings, not to criticize, what is criticism? For example, "You're so rude, you always interrupt what I say." ”

Many family education books emphasize the need to discipline children with a positive attitude, and it seems that parents cannot have any negative emotions. But the authors of the book disagree, arguing that "parents can express their feelings, which will lighten their burden, parents do not have to be patient with their children forever, and children are not as fragile as we think." In the author's view, if we are obviously angry and pretend to be very patient, it may backfire, and the child will not realize the seriousness of the problem and the mistake of his behavior. So, we can say our emotions, but be careful to remove aggressive words and not threaten the child.

The fourth method is to write a note and post it in different places in the house as a reminder. For example, on the TV set, it reads: "Before you turn on the TV, think about it, is the homework done?" "This saves you from having to argue with your child every time about watching TV and doing homework, and the child expects to receive a note as much as he expects to receive a gift."

In addition, the author said that whether it is talking or writing a note, we hope that the child will cooperate with himself, and may wish to say a "please" word to the child, which is to set an example of politeness for the child, and the second is to establish a democratic and equal family atmosphere, which will make the child more self-respecting and more willing to be close to you.

The author said that encouraging children to cooperate with us is not to use a set of methods to manipulate children so that children can obey their words, but to cultivate children's initiative, sense of responsibility, and the ability to understand the needs of others. If we can find the right language, it will leave the child's heart unharmed.

Replace punishment with effective methods

As to whether or not to punish a child, each parent may have their own set of answers and reasons. Those who advocate the "tiger mother and wolf father" education are strong supporters of "necessary punishment", they will think that if the child makes a mistake and does not have to be punished, then the child will not realize his mistake and may repeat it later; while the advocate of "positive discipline" is firmly opposed to punishment, they will think that punishment will not work, but will make the child hate you, let the child feel guilty or inferior, and the gain is not worth the loss.

But even parents who don't advocate punishing their children may sometimes inadvertently punish their children, such as saying to their children, "You did something wrong, so don't think about eating ice cream today." Or, "You've made the house so dirty that you're not allowed to go to the movies with us tonight." Although such statements and practices are not serious, they are actually punishing children in essence.

The authors of this book oppose any form of punishment because they believe that punishment does not work, that punishment may also alleviate the child's guilt for wrongdoing, and that the child will feel that the punishment can offset his mistakes, so that he can repeat his mistakes more comfortably next time. In addition, "children's energy will be distracted from how to retaliate against their parents, missing out on their own misconduct, and thinking about the opportunity to correct mistakes, and this process of reflection is very important." ”

The author advocates alternative punishment to other ways, in a word, to expose the child to the "natural consequences" of the behavior. The so-called "natural consequence" is that if there is no external intervention, things will naturally lead to the outcome. This may still be a bit abstract, but let's take an example, when the child is walking in the supermarket with his mother, running around in the aisle, so that it is easy to bump into goods and other customers. If the mother says, "You're too reckless to watch TV tonight," then that's actually punishing, so what's the alternative to punishment? The author lists several:

The first is to clearly express a strong disagreement, but be careful not to attack the child's personality. For example, you can say to your child, "I don't like you like this, running around in the aisles will interfere with other people's shopping." ”

The second method is to offer choices, which can be said to the child: "Give your child two choices: you either have to go well or sit in the shopping cart and you decide." ”

If the child doesn't listen, the third way is to take action, for example, to carry the child directly into the shopping cart.

If none of these methods work and the mother has to take the child out of the supermarket, then the fourth method is to let the child experience the natural consequences of misconduct. On the second day, instead of lecturing at length, the mother leaves the child at home and goes to the supermarket by herself. The child will surely realize that the reason why the mother did not bring herself was because she ran around the supermarket yesterday. This is introspection, the child may beg the mother to give him another chance, but then the mother must firmly tell the child, "There will be a chance in the future, but today I want to go myself." "This is the natural consequence of allowing children to experience misbehavior.

There is a fifth way, that is, to tell the child how to make up for his mistakes, for example, the next time you take your child to the supermarket, you can let the child pick fruit for you, and let the child cooperate with your actions.

What if my child doesn't change? There is also a sixth way, that is, to discuss his feelings and needs with the child, and then everyone comes together to find a solution, and then write down all the ideas without evaluation, and finally pick out the corrective methods that are acceptable to both sides with the child, and then put them into action, which is the parent and the child facing the problem together.

This is a very hands-on book, with many specific methods and tools, which are worth trying. Communicate with children, the method is right, the work is doubled, the method is not right, the heart is exhausted.

Today's content is here, and your likes, attention, and recommendations are the biggest encouragement.

Reference resources: Get the listening book " How to say that children will listen, how to listen to children before they are willing to speak" Xu Xueqin's interpretation. To read the original text or e-book please move to get the app.